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Somewhere in the world Matthew McConaughey is handing out pink blunts to his friends to celebrate the birth of his new baby friend. 40-year-old Matthew announced on his website (which I got a contact high from) that his 26-year-old girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their daughter early today. Matthew took a hit and wrote:

Happy New Year everybody!!! On Sunday, Jan. 3rd at 12:13am, Camila gave birth to a healthy 7lb. 7oz. baby girl named "Vida Alves McConaughey".... Vida is Portuguese for "life" and that's what God gave us this morning... Camila's recovering wonderfully and we are both truly honored to welcome this little lady into our family... thanks for all your well wishes and prayers along the way. another blessed day. we give thanks. just keep livin, Matthew and Camila

Matthew and Camila already have a 17-month-old son named Levi, so I guess I was wrong in thinking that his sperm fishes just lay around watching Beavis & Butthead re-runs while finishing off an entire Frito-Lay variety pack. They actually get off their stoner asses.

And Matthew only named his daughter Vida Alves McConaughey, so he can call her VAM! And he'll fist pump every time he says it. VAM!

via People

It's comforting to know that Kanye West will continue to shout at the top of his CAPS LOCK KEY'S lungs for the next year and beyond. But I really shouldn't be surprised since Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY will outlive us all. When the world ends in 2012, aliens from other planets will scour the planet for any sign of life and the only thing they will find is Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY. And then they'll roll their eyes. You see! Kanye's CAPS LOCK KEY fuckery brings all the beings of the universe together!

Anyway, Kanye took to his blog today to loudly fart about how he's on Maya Angelou's tail and how all of us need to soak in positive forces. I'm guessing he means that we need to bong and booze more (which is what he was doing while writing this mess). It works for me.

And in 10 years, when your children ask you to read them a book, throw that shit in the garbage and read them Kanye's rants instead. Because Kanye's poetry is the only education your child needs. Yes, I've been drinking. To quote Kanye, LOL!!!

Dude nipples came out in full force this weekend from Barbados (see Gerard Butler) to St. Barts (see Orlando Bloom & Jason Statham) to Miami (see Matthew Morrison) to the beaches of Hell (see Christian Audigier). There's something for everyone here!

If Giorgio Armani's distressed leather chest cutlets don't make your fuck parts slobber like Hooch, then I'm sure Christian Audigier's will. Unfortunately for me, both Carrot Top and Mah Boo Anderson Cooper kept their bare sexiness from public eyes this weekend. Well, in Carrot Top's case I think it's against the law.

Anyway, if you want to know whose name to scream while you're flicking at your genitals then just hover your mouse over their picture (that sounds sexy).

Which portly star shocked his girlfriend on a recent holiday by unpacking a tub of bikini line hair removal cream and insisted she use it on his back, sack and crack? (3am)

Khloe Kardashian? Or Sean Astin? Or James Gandolfini? Or Alec Baldwin? Or absolutely anybody else on FatActors.blogspot.com.

Which actress had a good reason for never naming the father of her teenage daughter? The sperminator was a major American marijuana trafficker on the lam abroad who eventually returned to the United States, did a stint behind bars, and is now with a production company in California. (Page Six)

Catherine Oxenberg (aka Amanda Carrington on Dynasty)? Catherine is married to Casper Van Dien now, but she has an 18-year-old daughter whose father has never been publicly identified. I knew there was a good reason for why I watched the entire season of I Married a Princess.

This A/B list singer/performer has slept with the drummer from a popular rock band at least three times now. Both are married or with partners, and both are famous, and both have been secretly hooking up at random intervals in bizarre public places. We hear a public park was the first spot for the rendezvous, then a studio bathroom, and the third in a hotel. Not Christina Aguilera. (BuzzFoto)

That slut Miss Piggy and Animal? Or Pink and Tommy Lee (AGAIN)? Or Pink and Travis Barker? Or Brit Brit and Mick Fleetwood (HA)?

After this actor unexpectedly lost his wife, he had a major life change. Now that he's single, he's considered to be a great catch, but it's unlikely that any lucky ladies will "catch" him. That's because he now prefers young men. Particularly slender male escorts between 18 and 21. He cruises the web for young men and calls himself 'Leo.' If he's VERY interested in someone he will fly the guy to wherever he is. He brings the escorts to his homes in New York and Los Angeles and is always polite and generous. Sorry, ladies. (Janet Charlton)

I'm going to bypass the Liam Neeson guess and go with Stanley Tucci instead? And I'm also going to guess that you're going to spend your afternoon creating a profile on Rentboy using the username: skinny18luvsbaldies.

While White Oprah spent her New Years passed out in a La-Z-Boy with empty Bartles & Jaymes bottles strewn around her, her daughters spent the holiday dirtying up the island of St. Barts. In between checking hotel ash trays for smokable cigarette butts and sitting in on 3-hour timeshare presentations for free drink tickets, LiLo found time to Tweet!

In her Tweets, LiLo cyber kicked SamRo in the pussy bone (just like daddy) and promised to spread the Lohan virus even further in 2010. Wrap yourself in a fumigation tent and read LiLo's crackiness:

Wishing everyone a blessed new year in 2010! Everyone get ready for more (but positive-LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!!!) Thanks for all of your support!
7:56 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from UberTwitter

Me, HOV, beyoncé, Ali Lohan, @paufdenkamp @jessicaschul usher and many more ringin' in the new year coz THAT'S WASSUP
8:03 PM Dec 31st, 2009 from UberTwitter

To answer everybody's question...My new years resolution is to stop letting the lucky few that have my heart, try2constantly tear me down.
11:15 PM Jan 1st from UberTwitter

2010 is about moving forward, not backwards. Leaving the bad (people, habbits, and negative energy behind) time to make changes-right!?!? :)
11:18 PM Jan 1st from UberTwitter

Lohan Mayhem sounds like a rash you get on your asshole from self-tanner build-up. And the drug dealers of the world shouldn't report to the end of the unemployment line just yet. When I Googled "habbit," this came up, so I don't think LiLo was referring to the bad shit. She's simply going to switch to The Tongue for 2010.

Here's LiLo working it like a Google Street View prostitute in St. Barts the other day.

After Kate Hudson and A-Roidy stopped licking each other's butts there were rumors that it ended because she only cared about the spotlight and became too needy. There was also a rumor that Kate cut the cord, because A-Roidy just couldn't make her clit bust into a seizure. But now some source is telling OK! Magazine (via NYDN) that A-Roidy's obsession with Vadge was the real reason why Kate Hudson took her vagina elsewhere.

The source went on to say, "Kate was mad with jealousy. he gave A-Rod three chances to stop contacting Madonna. How would you feel if your new boyfriend kept calling his ex?"

Maybe Kate jumped to conclusions. Maybe A-Roidy wasn't trying to get back into Vadge's strong Conan-like thighs. Maybe A-Roidy only called Vadge to continue to get tips on how his biceps can pop nutsacks just from flexing like hers.

Although, it probably broke Kate's lady boner when A-Roidy asked her to put on a He-Man costume and sing the lyrics to Justify My Love while tapping his ass cheeks with a roid needle.

Dolores Hope, Bob Hope's 100-year-old widow and a recording superstar sensation!

When Dolores Hope was 83-years-old, she decided that she wasn't quite ready to retire to her corner and nibble on caramel squares for the rest of her days. So Dolores hopped on her Hoveround, drove into the nearest recording studio, gargled with hot Metamucil and cut her first album of old timey songs called Dolores Hope: Now and Then.

Since then Dolores has released three more albums and is hoping to put out another one before she turns 101 this May. And when her album does come out, I'm sure Dolores will knock down hos half her age (i.e. Lindsay Lohan, etc...) by outselling them on the charts. Dolores once again proves that memaws rule the world with an Icy Hot-scented fist!

(For Eric)

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