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LiLo went off to India last month to film a BBC documentary about child trafficking, and here's the first trailer for it.

You know, I'm not sure why she went all the way to India to learn about child trafficking. She could've just interviewed her own parents. Okay, okay, I know she's trying to get some publicity, but it's hard for me to fake a seriousface while watching this when she's got two giant gummy worms on her face.

via ONTD

And here we have Xtina and Cher on the Los Angeles set of their movie Burlesque yesterday afternoon.

I'm sure these two are bonding like Kim Kardashian and a bed pan since they both don't have pores on their face anymore. And also because they both have a faucet in their bathroom that only spews foundation piped in directly from the MAC Factory. They have a lot to talk about.

Wait, let's do the Reverse Running Man back to subject of make-up. While I'm sure the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition team put enough plaster on Xtina's face to cover every single house in a Phoenix subdivision, she does look kind of natural here. Did I just write the words "Xtina" and "natural" in the same sentence? Excuse me while I go look out my window for the four horsemen.

At this point, Hollywood taking a giant sledgehammer to the sparkly jewels of our childhoods by remaking them has become a part of life. It's something you are forced to deal with even though it makes a piece of your heart shrivel up, pass through your system and exit out of your asshole. You know, like not touching a narcotic for 2 weeks so you can pass a drug test. It must be done. I guess.

That's why I wasn't really surprised to learn that soon someone besides Meshach Taylor will launch flaming disco balls out of his ass as Hollywooooood (Fun fact: Saying the name "Hollywooooood" over and over again is a way of exercising your prostate). And someone besides Andrew McCarthy will slide all zany-like across a department store floor as Jonathan. And someone besides Kim Cattrall will play a plastic mannequin devoid of any kind of personality (Side note to Kristen Stewart: TEXT YOUR AGENT). And someone besides Estelle Getty will....OKAY, that one I can't do. It hurts too much.

This is all according to Cinematical who reports that Gladden Entertainment will modernize Mannequin with a younger cast. They are currently looking for a writer.

The truth is, I'm just trying to be brave for you guys. This hurts more than the time I tried to eat a piece of broccoli without dipping it in mayonnaise first. WHY DO THEY HAVE TO RUIN MANNEQUIN? Drown us all in a sea of teddy bears instead!

And whenever I put my ear up to a seashell....I don't hear the ocean....I hear this instead:

Nothing's gonna stop us now! Well, except maybe the Mannequin remake.

Ashley Greene should get a doctor to look at that.... - Egotastic!

Hopefully, Sean Penn and Vadge were having dinner to discuss doing a sequel to Shanghai Surprise - Lainey Gossip

JUST LEAVE TILA ALONE TO MOURN IN PEACE!!! - Hollywood Tuna

And Sharon Stone is like a glistening wet spot on the casting couch - Celebitchy

Someone gave the Jersey Shore kids a bath - Just Jared

The Blair Witch is putting out an electro-pop album - Towleroad

Not since Ava Gardner has there been such a stunning brunette in Hollywood - Popsugar

Hannah Montana is still on?! - ICYDK

Please tell me Big Brother is going to lock Ivana Trump in a room full of screaming kids - Holy Moly!

Let's all take a walk to our neighborhood crackhouse and catch up with Frankie - Freddyo

Evan, you do in danger girl - Socialite Life

Mop Head is really trying to destroy me and it's working (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

But what Jackie Chan really wants to do is sing! - Hollywood Rag

CZJ likes to date men her real age - I'm Not Obsessed

Happy Birthday, Elvis! - Cityrag

The hair stylist who glued on a broke down bathroom drain weave over Kate Gosselin's possum head for the cover of People Magazine said it would cost 6,450 American dollars if he did it in his salon. So if Kate Gosselin needs a touch up in his salon, the kids will have to eat butter noodles for the rest of the month.

Ted Gibson of the Ted Gibson Salons tells Radar that he would normally charge $950 to trim Kate's possum, $500 to throw some Surgi on her hair for highlights, and another $5,000 for the long extensions. That brings the grand total to $6,450! Ted added that they were together for around 20 hours. I'm sure Ted spent 16 of those hours trying to dodge the rabid possum's attacks.

This is ridiculous. Almost $6,5000 FOR THAT! The Rock of Love skanks could fix Kate Gosselin up for free in 5 easy steps:

1: Go diving for weave scraps in the dumpster outside of Brit Brit's house.
2. Paste weave scraps on Kate's head using nail glue.
3. Go to nearest bar, get Kate so liquored up that she passes out on the men's bathroom floor.
4. Leave Kate on the bathroom floor for at least 3 hours so that her weave soaks up enough urine, beer and jizz crust to achieve that full-bodied skank look.
5. Give Kate's weave a final tousle while she does a shot out of a skank's vagina.

There you go! And it would look way better than that shit she has on her head now.

It looks like Peter Pan, Wendy Darling and the stage rigger all traded their pixie dust in for some angel dust. And like angel dust, just when you think this video has taken you to the highest point imaginable, it takes you even higher.

And yes, I traded my pixie dust in for angel dust too.

via Gawker TV

A man in Britain was just trying to share a beautiful intimate moment with his girlfriend when he got a little too excited by her sexual wiles and his dick got stuck in her orifice. Oh, and I should mention that his girlfriend was a fucking steel pipe. PAGING EDWARD SMITH! Here's your newest wingman to hit the used car dealerships with you.

The Sun reports that when a team of firefighters arrived, they all died from choking to death on their own laughs. But then a more serious crew came to the man's rescue, they brought a metal grinder out and began to cut the pipe off his peen. You would think that his peen would've went limp just from hearing the metal grinder's motor, but it didn't. A firefighter with a steady hand hand spent 30-minutes carefully cutting off the pipe. Fortunately for the pipefucker, the firefighter did not Lorena Bobbit him. His peen might have the sads for a few days from being publicly humiliated, but besides that it is doing fine.

A rep for Hampshire's Fire and Rescue Service said, "It was a very delicate operation that required a very steady hand and the crew was worried about things getting too hot during the cutting. It's certainly an unusual call-out and I'm sure the man won't be getting into that situation again."

The man didn't say how he got his dick stuck in a pipe, but it's pretty obvious what happened. The dude was about to have sex with Parasite Hilton, and figured the best way to protect himself was to wrap his peen in steel. Stavros Niarchos has a permanently rusty dick from doing this so often.

The CEO of St. John tells WWD that they have decided to try a different flavor for their upcoming campaign, so they will not be using St. Angie anymore. St. John's CEO, Glenn McMahon (whose name has just been removed from heaven's VIP list) explained that they felt St. Angie's fame eclipsed the brand she was trying to promote. Hum. I wonder why they thought that? Maybe they realized this while watching hundreds of crazy Brangaloonies wearing "Team Jolie 4 Evah" t-shirts slobber all over their front windows. That would be a clue.

Glenn went on to say, “We wanted to make a clean break from actresses and steer away from blondes and cleanse the palette. We needed to show a modern point of view of St. John. We have evolved.”

The first color St. John is adding to their new palette is ginge. Glenn announced that supermodel Karen Elson is the new face of St. John starting now. SCORE ONE FOR THE GINGES. They have been having a bad couple of months, so they really needed this victory.

FUN FACT: The beautiful beast out-posing St. Angie in the ad above is none other than former Hot Slut of the Month CHALCY! Let's relive the magic of Chalcy and Kyra Sundance all over again:

Free clinics everywhere will be on high alert this weekend, because Pamela Anderson is back out on the prowl. Radar reports that Pammy's trailer park love affair with electrician/surfer Jamie Padgett has come to an end. The two had been bumping genital warts for the past year, but Pammy decided that her vagina needed something different to slurp on.

A source said, “Pam made it pretty clear she is no longer dating Jamie and that she was looking for a new love interest. She didn’t have anything bad to say about him and described him as a ‘sweet guy’ and that she hoped they would remain friends. Her ex-husband Tommy Lee was jealous of Jamie and Pam’s relationship and he had given their two sons Brandon and Dylan some surfing lessons.”

Jamie poked out of his CDC-ordered contamination tent and told Radar he didn't know if he was still with Pamela. Jamie said it was up to her.

Basically, Pamela used Jamie and she's done with him now that he's finished crossing her wires. We all know that Pamela is having trouble finishing the renovations on her house, so my guess is that she got Jamie to do electrical- work for her pro-BONE-o. All plumbers should beware, because Pammy is coming for them next.

Remember Karen Sala, the Crazy McCrazanadian who swore on her straitjacket that Keanu Reeves was the biological father of her four adult children? Even after Maury Povich gave Keanu the thumbs up and declared that he wasn't the father, Karen still shouted from the top of the trash heap in her kitchen (she strikes me as the Hoarders type) that his sperm and her egg made several baby omelets.

And Karen has a case for herself! Karen dragged Keanu's lawyers back to court and offered up these three AMAZING reasons for why his DNA didn't match up. It's like if Alan Ball wrote a storyline for Days of Our Lives.

From E! Online:

Claim No. 1: Keanu Reeves knows hypnosis.
Sala had a perfectly reasonable explanation for how Reeves managed to pass the DNA test: He used hypnosis to tamper with the results. So convinced is she of the cheating tactic, Sala requested that Reeves be made to undergo a second round of tests, to which the actor's lawyer unsurprisingly refused.

Claim No. 2: Keanu Reeves is a master of disguise.
According to Sala, the actor has used both hypnosis and an apparent mastery of shape-shifting to pass himself off as different people, including Sala's ex-husband. As for why Reeves would do such a thing? Why, in order to secretly cohabitate with Sala and be present at the births of her children, of course.

Sala, however, refuses to accept the possibility that it may actually have been her ex-husband, not the A-list actor, with whom she shared a home. She also refuses to produce her children's birth certificates or have her ex, who is listed as the kids' father in their divorce proceedings, undergo a DNA test to prove his paternity.

Claim No. 3: Keanu Reeves is not Keanu Reeves.
Sala claims she has known the actor since she was 4 years old, alleging that he grew up just down the street from her. The hitch was, according to Sala, that back then Reeves was going by the name Marty Spencer (he wasn't). She claimed it was only years later that she connected them as the same man (they aren't).

"I didn't know he was Keanu Reeves," she said. "To me he was Marty Spencer."

It is with Spencer/Reeves that she claims she carried on a sexual relationship before, during and after her marriage.

WE'LL ALL HAVE WHAT KAREN SALA IS HAVING! TWO SERVINGS! Seriously, everyone put on your crazy suits and board the crazy train express bound for Crazyville!

I need to stop myself. Karen Sala is not crazy. Karen Sala is also not a money-grubbing famewhore. Karen Sala is more famous than Keanu Reeves, so why would she be after his fame or money? I mean, Karen Sala was the breakout star of one of the biggest movies in history: Lady and the Tramp:

Would Peg, the skanky dog who stole our hearts, ever tell a lie? I rest my case.

P.S. - The judge sided with Keanu and threw the case out. Boo on him. But this won't be the last of Karen/Peg!