At 11:11 and 11:12 am EST today, you might have heard two unicorn coos softly skipping along the wind outside. No, you didn't hear Bill Kaultiz's mating call, but I totally understand why you would think that. You heard the sounds of Celine Dion's twin boys entering this world! Yup, their first wet burps are totally going to go to #1 and #2 (respectively) on the adult contemporary charts.
People confirms that Celine and her 500-year-old husband René (insert the obligatory "they can share the same diaper changing table" comment here) became parents in Florida today for the second and third time. Celine's BABIES!!! showed up a little early so they are hanging out in an incubator for a while. This is the shit Celine's rep said:
"Celine, René and their son René-Charles are thrilled. One of the boys weighed in at 5 lbs., 4 oz., with the other at 5 lbs., 10 oz.
Celine is resting now and they plan to discuss what to name the boys when she wakes up. René-Charles has been to the hospital to visit his brothers and is just so excited they are here."
NO NAMES!? How in the fuck can you birth out a baby statement and not give us the names? But my guess is that Celine and Pepaw René are going to name them René-Charlesier and René-Charlesest since they were most likely both born with a luscious waterfall mane of golden dreams on their head.
And I can't wait to see all of them on a SANS FARDS cover of 7 Jours.
Seeing pictures of that homewrecking skank Andy Cohen tickling Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's ear with his flirty words made me collapse against the wall and slowly slide to the floor, but this is bringing on a whole new kind of melodramatic fall. Think of Sharon Stone's glassy-eyed final stumble down the dark hallway to the depths of HELL in Casino (sans the whole "dying of an overdose" thing):
Yeah, Mah Boo is simply doing his paid job by interviewing Lady CaCa for 60 Minutes in London, but was the hug necessary? (OBVIOUS ANSWER: NO!!!). CaCa knew what she was doing. She made sure Mah Boo got a good look at her bunny teefs, because she knows how much he loves creatures of the hopping kind. And Mah Boo is wrong for falling for it.
I swear, there must be some kind of support group for delusional bitches whose fantasy boyfriend keeps betraying them through pictures. There must be! Can somebody please ask Jennifer Aniston and get back to me.
The Crazy Train Express has pulled its breaks and is stopping at the next station for maintenance, because it knows that there is no way it can keep up with the light speed crazed crackery the Quaids are flicking out onto the tracks. Just when I think they can't CRAZY any harder, they do!
Randy & Evi Quaid, who got caught in Vancouver on Thursday afternoon, pleaded with Canada's immigration board on Friday to not send them to the US to face vandalism charges. Evi told the board that Hollywood has already murdered their friends Heath Ledger and David Carradine and she's afraid that it will wrap its leather gloved hands around Cousin Eddie's neck next! I mean, she knows this because the bowl of Rice Krispies and apple juice she had for dinner one night snapped, cracked and popped this into her ear. Here's what HuffPo says went down during the hearing:
Evi Quaid begged a Canadian immigration adjudicator not to force them to return, saying on Friday that friends, such as actors David Carradine and Heath Ledger, have been "murdered" under mysterious circumstances and she worried something would happen to her husband next.
"We feel our lives are in danger," she said. "Randy has known eight close friends murdered in odd, strange manners ... We feel that we're next."
During a break in the proceedings, the Quaids' lawyer, Brian Tsuji approached the media to read a single-sentence statement from the Quaids. "We are requesting asylum from Hollywood star whackers," he read, declining further comment on the mental state of his clients.
The Quaids were ordered released from custody Friday, but must each post $9,750 bail and fulfill their promise to appear for their next hearing Thursday.
Fulfill their promise?! That's not how the Quaids roll. By this time tomorrow, the Quaids will be floating on a pool lounger on the Beaufort Sea to seek refuge in the North Pole (the Polar Bears are like "How about NO.").
And please spend a little time with their note in thumbnail #3. It's my new favorite thing. I'd like to think it was written with a severed chicken's foot and wet ashes under a highway bridge. More of this!
While surrounded by a pack of slobbering pussies aching to get a giant piece of juicy meat into their mouth holes, Katy Perry and Russell Brand became husband and wife in a traditional Indian ceremony at the Ranthambhore tiger sanctuary in Rajasthan today. It was very traditional except for the little fact that they both aren't fucking Hindu! I'm joking. I'm sure they watched Eat Pray Love all the way through at least once and that counts. No, I think I read somewhere that Russell thanks the Hare Krishna movement for getting the bad shit off his crave list. Or something.
A rep for Katy or Russell haven't confirmed the wedding yet, but the Associated Press has it on good authority that the two slipped a ball and chain on each other's ankles in front of 80 guests including RiRi, David Walliams, David Baddiel and Jonathan Ross. AP says that both Katy and Russell wore traditional Indian wedding clothes as did several of their guests. Apparently, Russell Brand's wedding procession featured 21 camels, elephants and horses.
Congratulations to Katy and Russell! And condolences to the free clinic and the makers of the morning-after pill, because they are really going to lose business now that one of the world's biggest self-proclaimed man whores is off the stroll for good.
And here's a few amazingly interesting pictures of Russell and a tiger getting ready for his wedding day.
UPDATE: Confirmed. Russell and Katy sealed it with a statement: "Russell Brand and Katy Perry were pronounced Mr. and Mrs. Brand on Saturday, October 23. The very private and spiritual ceremony, attended by the couples' closest family and friends was performed by a Christian minister and longtime friend of the Hudson Family. The backdrop was the inspirational and majestic countryside of Northern India."
The Sony Walkman - I have really really bad news for you. I know you were up really late last night making the perfect weekend mix-tape to play for your best friend today. You sat by the radio and waited until they played your favorite songs and then you hit record really fast after the DJ finished talking. I know, it's gross when the stupid fucking DJ keeps spitting out his verbal masturbation even after the song starts. Like doesn't the dumb ass know you're trying to make the perfect mix-tape! And since you didn't have any blank tapes, you had to put Scotch tape over the hole on one of your old cassettes. Your ass even made a cover using a glitter pen and magazine pictures.
Well, I know you were going to go to KMart today to buy a Walkman for your friend to listen to your amazing mix-tape on and really get intimate with the music, but sadly you're going to have to get a regular old Boom Box instead, because Sony birthed out their last Walkman in April. They're closing their legs and they won't push out anymore. The Walkman is now an artifact. It's the end of a seriously ANNOYING era, because my Walkman would eat the shit out of batteries and the play button would always pop up for no reason! But it's still sad days. Put a black veil over your screen, iPod, and mourn the loss of the bitch who paved the way for you.
And for those of you young whores out there who are like, "What iz Walkman?", shut the fuck up, write your name on the nursing home visiting sheet and bring me my butterscotch pudding and the mix-tape my friend made for me.
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