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Here's Shia LaBeouf giving his bottle-nosed nipples some air on the set of Transformers Tres in L.A. yesterday. I'll just save all of us some time on this Friday night and say, I'd hit it until we heard the sound of the garage door opening and his mom pulled into the driveway. Hell, I'd even massage his raisin fingers with aloe vera after he finished sucking his thumb.

If the mystery meat in McDonald's McRib doesn't tear up your guts and land you on a shared cot at the free clinic, their customers will! This is a clip from Sfist of an all-out, hair-pulling, face-punching, foot-kicking battle at a McDonald's on Third Street in San Francisco right after the first game of the World Series on Wednesday night.

The person who uploaded this Mac Attack Royale says it all started when "some chick was arguing about their order, the chick with the yellow thong tells her, she shouldn't talk like that in front of her daughter. Chick says she's not my daughter and throws soda at the yellow thong chick. then all hell breaks loose."

These raggedy hyena bitches need to swallow a bowl and hold it for ten seconds, because it. is. not. that. serious. Walk out the door, turn left, skip 5 steps and you'll bump into another House Of Ronald. Now, if they were at an In-N-Out, I'd say, "Whoop that trick, animal style!"

The broken condom secret love child of Speckles the star-nosed mole and the Geico Piggy is facing up to a year behind bars, because the L.A. County District Attorney's Office has charged her with possession of ecstasy. This all goes back to when T.I. and Tiny were busted in Los Angeles last month. T.I. has already earned 11 months of scrubbing his taint in a shower room full of convicts for violating his probation, and now there's a chance Tiny will be shuffling right behind him. They better leave enough pizza money on the table for their child army, because mommy and daddy might be gone for a while.

TMZ reports that prosecutors in L.A. have decided to no go after T.I. for the charges since he has already been sentenced to 11 months in Georgia. So I guess Tiny is taking the fall then.

The only thing I have to say about this is if Tiny gets thrown behind bars, she should consider dying those Jem! weave pieces a nice shade of prison orange. Bitch does not want to clash with her jumpsuit.

Out of all the people Elisabeth Hasselcrack could viciously violate by dressing up as for Hallowpeen, she just had to after one of the most influential icons of my childhood: Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan! Where the hell is a vengeful Krystle Carrington and a fountain full of crocodiles or Moldavian terrorists when you really need them?

Whoever came up with this mess of idea wouldn't know Alexis Carrington if she sashayed up to them, tore out one of her shoulder pads with her bare nails and used it to slap them three times in the mouth. Joan Collins is so glamorous that she wears high heels and diamonds when she pees pees, and Elisabeth Hasselcrack is about as glamorous as yogurt. (Disclaimer: I don't know for a fact that Joan Collins actually urinates. This has never been documented as fact. It should still be considered an urban legend for now.)

Bitch looks more like a little boy country mouse dressed in Dollar Tree drag as Bernice from Designing Women. And the stick firmly shoved up Hasselcrack's asshole made it impossible for her to do the "stealing your men, and taking over your companies" strut. HOW DREADFUL. See for yourself in the clip below:

But I can't stay mad at The View. They did give us a deranged Barbara Walters as Rita Hayworth. Yup, Rita Hayworth. More like Jessica Rabbit's memaw who eats bunny rabbits alive!

And no comment about Sherri "The German" Shepherd as Grace Jones.

When Joan Rivers became Snooki... And when I realized for real that Snooki truly is the size of an armadillo's peen - E! Online

The producers of Captain America realize that the only way to sell this shit is to put Chris Evans' half-nekkidness on display - Lainey Gossip

The Mel Gibson demon has jumped into Charlie Sheen - The Superficial

This is what happens when you wear your long johns (or white leggings in this case) outdoors - Hollywood Tuna

Yigit Pura from Top Chef: Just Desserts is making it way too easy for the horny Photoshoppers out there - Towleroad

Christina Hendricks' magnificent chichis look weepy-ish - Popoholic

Send the hard criminal to life (or the length of a SpongeBob Squarepants episode) in her room without the possibility of dessert - NYC Barstool Sports

Note to teenagers: Get knocked up, submit your audition tape to MTV and make more than your teachers! - Celebitchy

Blair Waldorf in Marie Claire - The Berry

Charlie Brown raps - OMG Blog

Well, here's Owen Wilson with his top off if that's what you want to see today - Popsugar

Meredith Vieira gets Cacaized - Just Jared

Celebrities with candy - Cityrag

Portia de Rossi once weighed less than one of Aretha Franklin's chichis - ICYDK

Vintage Bruno Mars - Necole Bitchie

Mad Mel is going to be very popular in the chokey - I'm Not Obsessed

Bat Boy got sick of Xtina's all-you-can-eat coochie buffet - Hollywood Rag

Obviously, a mold of Vinny's watermelon dick is in Snooki's bag - Moe Jackson

Now we know what the creepy Snickers lady pusher is hiding underneath her leopard robe. BAM. Nip/Tuck's Julian McMahon got his nipples pleasantly perky by sticking 'em in a bowl of ice cubes and plumped his peen to thrust and bust as Dr. Frank N Furter in The Rocky Horror Picture Show tribute concert, which benefited the Painted Turtle camp.

The rest of the cast included Evan Rachel Wood (as Magenta), Hurley (as Eddie), Nicole Scherminger (as Columbia), Mr. Schue from Glee (as Brad), Lea Michele (as Janet AGAIN), Jack Nicholson (as The Criminologist) and Tim Curry AS TIM CURRY!

It's a good thing that these pictures don't make sounds or move, because even though seeing Julian McMahon in John Travolta's favorite pajamas is a spiritual experience that is taking all of my parts higher, this concert looks like a mess! But I'm probably just thinking this, because that Lea Michele trick was involved and my Lea Michele tank is already overfuckingflowing thanks to those Dove commercials that play every ten seconds. Whatever. I'll just busy myself by imagining Julian McMcahon's lipstick-covered peen lips in the Rocky Horror intro.

The editor-in-chief of Shape wants to clarify that ridiculous e-mail Too Fab posted where she apologized to some of her readers for making a "terrible mistake" by featuring a "husband stealer" on their cover. Valerie Latona tells USA Today that her words were twisted around and she isn't budging from the decision she made to put Falcor's constipated auntie on the cover of Shape's "HIDE YO HUSBANDS" issue. This is what Valerie had to say:

My comments have been taken out of context. I used the words of the few unhappy readers who wrote in.

I stand by the fact that LeAnn's story is compelling--and her courage and strength in the face of so much adversity is compelling. That is why I put her on the cover of Shape for what is now the third time.

The fact is a mere 40 readers out of almost 6 million readers wrote in to complain calling LeAnn a "husband stealer" and a "terrible mistake for Shape". I wrote to those women apologizing that our cover choice did not make them happy—as I have done for other cover stars in the past."

Valerie is only saying this shit, because she knows not to eff with LeAnn!! LeAnn will put on her dick snatchin' suit, fly into Valerie's bedroom window, grab her husband out of bed, throw him into her giant black sack (with a shiny gold outline of a dick on it), and then hustle back to the safe house to add a husband to her collection! Valerie knew this was going to happy eventually when she closed her eyes last night and Limahl's sweet voice started filling her ears. LeAnn was comin' comin' comin' comin' for her HUZBEEEEEND!

And in possibly related (not really) news, Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brandi Analglandville was busted for DUI this morning. That vicious LeAnn! Bitch stole Brandi's husband, and now she has stolen her common sense too! Is there nothing she won't steal?!

Keanu Reeves really is the gift that keeps on giving. When he's not entertaining us by being sad, he's entertaining us by being happy. When he's not entertaining us by being happy, he's entertaining us by breaking important laws. When he's not entertaining us by breaking important laws, he's entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake. And when he's not entertaining us by face farting all over a cupcake, he's entertaining us by doing Tai Chi in a shady part of NOWHERE in Los Angeles. THE FUCK?

At least I think he's doing a totally random session of Tai Chi, but he could also be doing something usually found deep in the mind of M. Night Shyamalan, or maybe he's invisible fishing?

Trying to bring out raw emotion in a movie is obviously not Keanu's true calling. Reinventing memes is!

Audrina Patridge's mom, Mama Lynn, is the emergency room hospital bracelet on my wrist that I never EVER went to cut off, so I don't think she needs to issue any kind of apology for giving an inspiring and beautiful sidewalk performance of "Rose's Turn" outside of Beso on Tuesday night. In an open apology letter given to UsWeekly, Mama Lynn says she was extremely emotional (Translation: Extremely TANKED!) about her daughter's execution from DWTS and slurred some things in the heat of the margarita...I mean moment:

"I am sincerely sorry for the negative things I said in the heat of the moment. As a mother, there is no pain in this world like seeing your children upset. I am so proud of my daughter and all she has accomplished on Dancing with the Stars. I was extremely emotional after her elimination -- it just came as such a shock. I want to apologize for offending anyone."

If anything, we should be thanking Mama Lynn! Thanking her for finally shedding a fluorescent light on something that has been plaguing me for years: WHY IS CEILING EYES FAMOUS?! If Mama Lynn never pushed Audrina out in the bathroom stall of a Yorba Linda sports bar, Audrina would've never ended up on The Hills, which means we would have never been introduced to the happy hour version of Mama Rose! So I'm returning Mama Lynn's apology in a half-full Bartles & Jaymes bottle!

And in case you want to relive the magic, here's an encore performance:

If you need a totally last-minute costume to wear to your office Halloween party later this afternoon, just go as Mama Lynn! Simply slip on an outfit from the Bebe's outlet (which you stole from your daughter's dirty laundry basket), superglue a Misty to your hand, pour an entire bottle of White Shoulders over your head and then booze until this sentence makes sense to you: "She's a Polish, Catholic, fucking full-on Italian." HAPPY JIBBY KIBBLE!

Shortly after Céline Dion's double dose of baby came riding out of her womb on musical notes, her rep said that she needed some time with her husband René Angélil to come up with names. So Seeeeeelean sat in a darkened corner in a room in her Florida castle and held her twins tight while humming softly until a pair of names came to her.

Now, I was hoping that just like she did with her son René-Charles, she would give her twins names that make them sound like European gigolos who masquerade as counts to steal priceless gems from horny old rich ladies. I also was hoping that she'd at least throw a René in her twins' names so that one day they can form a family group called Céline and the 3 Renés. But no, Céline and René Angélil have named their twin boys Nelson and Eddy. instead Their names have nothing to do with Nelson Eddy. People explains:

The name "Eddy" comes from Eddy Marnay, who produced the singer's first five records. "He was like a father to her," says Dion's rep. "Eddy is a major influence in both Céline and René's lives."

Nelson is named after Nelson Mandela, whom Dion met two years ago while kicking off her world tour in South Africa. "René said that in just the few minutes they were able to spend with him, they were impressed by the human being he is," says the rep.

"Céline and René want their children to be inspired by their names, because they were so inspired by these men,"

Okay, but couldn't Céline put a little sparkle on it. You know, make the name kick you in the tonsils. Put a thrust on it. Saying their names should make you want to reach for a bag of Ricolas. Like Nélson and Éddy. There, that's better. See the different an accent makes!