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Shortly after Céline Dion's double dose of baby came riding out of her womb on musical notes, her rep said that she needed some time with her husband René Angélil to come up with names. So Seeeeeelean sat in a darkened corner in a room in her Florida castle and held her twins tight while humming softly until a pair of names came to her.

Now, I was hoping that just like she did with her son René-Charles, she would give her twins names that make them sound like European gigolos who masquerade as counts to steal priceless gems from horny old rich ladies. I also was hoping that she'd at least throw a René in her twins' names so that one day they can form a family group called Céline and the 3 Renés. But no, Céline and René Angélil have named their twin boys Nelson and Eddy. instead Their names have nothing to do with Nelson Eddy. People explains:

The name "Eddy" comes from Eddy Marnay, who produced the singer's first five records. "He was like a father to her," says Dion's rep. "Eddy is a major influence in both Céline and René's lives."

Nelson is named after Nelson Mandela, whom Dion met two years ago while kicking off her world tour in South Africa. "René said that in just the few minutes they were able to spend with him, they were impressed by the human being he is," says the rep.

"Céline and René want their children to be inspired by their names, because they were so inspired by these men,"

Okay, but couldn't Céline put a little sparkle on it. You know, make the name kick you in the tonsils. Put a thrust on it. Saying their names should make you want to reach for a bag of Ricolas. Like Nélson and Éddy. There, that's better. See the different an accent makes!

When John Mayer goes to the beach, every douchebag flushed down a toilet tries to come home to papa. - oggie168

Runners-up:

I'm not sure what the hell that is, but Kirstie Alley says it's only three licks to get to its center. - Team Valtrex

And when the womb of Mimi opens this Spring, a thousand butterflies will prance and sing "Vision of Love". - Keshiakola

The Jersey Shore's Vinny shows the world what Snooki was talking about. - WillDevil

(Thanks Amy)

Andy South's delicate and graceful mom from Project Runway 8! - This is a long time coming, I know, but today just seemed like the right day. Not much sense was made during last night's overdrawn and WTFery finale. I mean, Jessica Simpson judging a fashion competition instead of a country fair fart contest held behind the Port-A-Potties? Andy's clothes looking like something a middle-aged lady of leisure might buy at Cache to wear to her country club's "The King & I" theme dinner? Wretchen's shit, which was snatched from an old Three's Company costume closet marked "extras". But the one bright spot was Andy South's mother sitting front row and proudly beaming from her eyebrows for her son's big moment. Finally some real talent and beauty!

Brows that make me want to cry pineapple-scented tears every 10 minutes like the clouds in Hawaii. Brows that make me want to string purple orchids through them and wear around my neck for the rest of my days. Heidi Klum should've announced these brows as the real winner of Project Runway:

Right? Right. Okay, there was another bright spot last night. When Heidi (SPOILER ALERT) announced the winner! I think I let out a laugh thinking about all the bitches who spit out their white wine spritzer at the TV when Heidi named the granola cunt and the Bitchenstock of Oregon as the winner over Mondo. "CANCEL MY LIFETIME!" "But it comes with your basic cable." "Oh."

Oh well, Wretchen will have a glorious career being a talking head in "Reality TV's Most Hated Bitches" specials for years to come!

Winona Ryder (39)
Amanda Beard (29)
Ben Foster (30)
Brendan Fehr (33)
Tracee Ellis Ross (38)
Gabrielle Union (38)
Rufus Sewell (43)
Joely Fisher (43)
Yasmin Le Bon (46)
Randy "Not The American Idol One" Jackson (49)
Finola Hughes (51)
Dan Castellaneta (53)
Kate Jackson (62)
Richard Dreyfuss (63)
Melba Moore (65)

(Image via Flickr)

When some readers of Shape Magazine saw this cover of Falcor LeAnn Rimes, they raised their fists into the air, fell out of their lawn chairs and kicked a baby squirrel nibbling on a nut nearby. They couldn't believe that such a pristine, decent and morally upstanding publication like Shape would interview a no good, dick snatching slut whore like LeAnn. How dare Shape dirty their freshly starched nun habit with LeAnn's stank! They should only feature virgin bunnies on their cover (I'd totally get a subscription to Shape if they only featured virgin bunnies on their cover).

So a bunch of readers (aka Brandi Glanville using a hundred Gmail accounts) wrote angry e-mails to the editor demanding to know the meaning of this! The editor-in-chief Valerie Latona wrote many of them back and she didn't tell them to chew on Brandi Glanville's taint. Instead she apologized and said the magazine made a mistake by putting a noted "husband stealer" on their cover. AHAHAHAHA. You know LeAnn's ex has got a kumqat-tini in his paw and is laughing all theatrical-like at this unnecessary drama.

Here's a copy of the e-mail from TooFab that Valerie sent out:

Subject: To my dear Shape readers

You are all in good company (why I'm e-mailing you all together) as you all agree Shape has made a terrible mistake in putting LeAnn Rimes on the cover.

Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal-but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.

But it did not come across that way ... And for that I'm terribly sorry.

I hope that we can do better the next time for those of you that will give us another chance.

Humbly,

Valerie

To be honest, Shape should apologize. But not because they put LeAnn Rimes on the cover. But because they put that shitty picture on the cover. Apology accepted, Valerie!

Patricia and David Arquette showed up to the Onexone Gala in NYC last night and I guess every reporter was asking her to comment on the current status of her brother's marriage. Patricia basically told reporters that if a question about her brother starts to tingle on their tongue, they should excuses themselves, go to the bathroom, pull down their pants and try to lick on their own assholes because that's a better use of their time than asking her about family issues. This is what Patricia said (via UsWeekly):

"How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!"

This is why I'm not a reporter, because I probably would've answered seriously with: Eh. Who? Not really. Witnessing this video. I'm doing it right now. Probably.

But seriously, why are these reporters asking Patricia Arquette about David Arquette when they have David Arquette in front of them. David will tell them whatever they want to know. ANYTHING. David has already told Howard Stern that he hasn't sexed his wife in months and that he cried tears the first time he stuck it in another snatch. So basically, David is wide open for you. Want to know if his shits are banana-shaped? David will answer that. Want to know if David really cried because it was the first time he had sex without getting interrupted by a call from Jennifer Aniston? David will tell you this!

Besides, reporters should be asking Patricia more important things! Like why hasn't she done a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with Alexis Arquette yet?

And you're all probably making the same "not this shit again" face as old girl in the back after reading Howard K. Stern's name. Three years after Anna Nicole Smith went off to heaven where every angel is a sugar daddy, her former life stalker and bad shit supplier Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy for delivering pills to her on a silver platter even though he knew she was an addict. The jury did acquit his ass of 7 other felony charges.

One of Anna Nicole's doctors, Khristine Eroshevich was also convicted of four charges, but her other doctor Sandeep Kapoor got a not guilty stamped on all of his charges and he's free to go.

The D.A. says that Howard K. and Khristine both face up to 3 years of scrubbing their assholes with government soap in prison. But a legal expert type tells E! Online that there's no way Howard K. Stern will face the booty bandits in prison. They say he will get probation since he's got a clean record. Sentencing has been scheduled for January 6th.

And in the dusty community center of a mobile home park somewhere, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Kimmie are all toasting to this news with Dixie cups filled with Cisco and Hill Country soda! Happy America (copyright: Mama Lynn)!

Demi Moore obviously ripped off the bottom of her dress so she'd be ready to bust out her "gorilla giving birth to an ostrich egg" moves later. Demi is always ready! - Popsugar

Keira Knightley has the posture of Gollum - Lainey Gossip

Capri Anderson was Charlie Sheen's paid poon after all. Okay, I forgive her - The Superficial

RiRi's bulging alien chest balls aside, she's holding her own umbrella! I did not know celebrities knew how to do this - Hollywood Tuna

Heidi Klum presents Trannyformers as seen through eyes of Nicki Minaj costume - The Berry

Fergie is definitely wearing one of Blanche's favorite after-sex cover ups (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ick. Nast. - Towleroad

Actually, I like my eggs scrambled with cheese and some hot sauce on the side since your ass is asking - Crunk + Disorderly

Harvey Price, come get your mom's dollar menu wig - Holy Moly!

Taylor Swift's wax figure might be hotter than her - Popoholic

Pervin' for peace - NYC Barstool Sport

The original Sister Wives are saying goodbye next season - ICYDK

Sharon Stone is looking hot - Celebitchy

Terrifyingly cute puppies for Halloween - Cityrag

Hopefully, Gargamel will make a cameo in the sequels - Just Jared

Brit Brit is back with her true heartmate after cheating on it the other day - Hollywood Rag

Jessica Simpson makes a funny - I'm Not Obessed

Courtney Love has been so well behaved lately (okay, for like a week) and frankly I've been worried about her, so it warms the factory defected hot plate known as my soul to see her pulling her old tricks out of her bag. You know, I'd rather Courtney use that finger to type out a profound Facebook rant that turns my brains into the consistency of creamed salmon, but this is still a win on all levels.

While shopping for stuff in West Hollywood yesterday, Courtney flipped off the paps and then delivered a real "fuck you in the face" when she bent over and revealed her her Styrofoam plate of parmesan chicken cutlets (no relation to you know who).

And later in the night, Court washed her pits with a towelette from El Pollo Loco to attend the amFAR Gala at Chateau Marmont. Yes, Court sort of looks like a wax statute of Madge made from dollar store tea lights and the box of birthday candles your mom uses every single year, but I still think she's looking good (written while completely sober...maybe that's the problem).

Is there anything Katy Perry's tits can't shoot out? Does that mug of Swiss Miss on your desk need a little dressing? Well, Katy Perry's boobs can spray a dollop of canned whipped cream on that shit. And in her new video for Firework, Katy shows us that we don't need to pay a visit to The Bang Bang Lady and The Boom Boom Girl, because she can give us an inspirational firework show just by sticking her chest out. Caretitty Stare!

Source: Made in Brazil via Towleroad