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InTouch Weekly via Jezebel

Billy Ray Cyrus can now hump on that backyard possum without guilt, because he and his wife of 17 years Tish Cyrus have achy breaky broken up! Before Tish put on her favorite freakum dress to hit the clubs with Miley and Noah for some man wrasslin', she filed for divorce in Tennessee today. Cue Miley & Noah's cover of "Confessions of a Broken Heart."

Tish and Billy Ray released this statement to People:

"As you can imagine, this is a very difficult time for our family. We are trying to work through some personal matters. We appreciate your thoughts and prayers."

Tish and Billy Ray have 5 chirruns together including Destiny Hope, Noah, Seabiscuit, Braison Chance and Brandi.

Well, on a positive note at least this means that Billy Ray and Tish aren't going to spawn out another one anymore. And who gets the ATM code to Miley's checking account in the divorce?

Dude nips galore from last night's Rocky Horror Glee Show - Towleroad

Carey Mulligan's got some company at the Best Western - Lainey Gossip

SamRo and Xtina are not scissoring - The Superficial

Paz de la Huerta is committed to her craft (see her period piece pubic hair) (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

This is probably the most covered up Taylor Momsen has been for a while - Hollywood Tuna

Becks proves that he's a better singer than Posh - Popsugar

Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla, still doing it, never stopped - Celebitchy

Amy Wino models her line for Fred Perry - The Berry

JoJo still exists! - Popoholic

FOUR LOKOS IS KILLING OUR CHILDREN (and killing my taste buds at the same time)!!! - NYC Barstool Sports

They're using the ice cream to lure in altar boys, right? - OMG Blog

Brit Brit is cheating on Starbucks! - Just Jared

David Arquette is continuing to be that dude at the dinner table who tells you every little thing about his dick adventures when you just want him to pass the rolls - ICYDK

My bedroom is more trashed than the bedroom Charlie Sheen trashed - Cityrag

Caridee English and Marilyn Manson?!!!!? - I'm Not Obsessed

Ron Jeremy better get off my piece (I don't mean that, he can have him) - SOW

Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases...now with less Ceiling Eyes - Moe Jackson

It's a chihuahua in a duck costume! Just pay no mind to the piece of skank trash holding him - Hollywood Rag

This week, the department of Passing the Peen brings you a cover story from UsWeekly about how Justin Timberlake's dick cried a river of man chowder all over Olivia Munn while Jessica Biel was thousands of miles away. Now, the name Olivia Munn doesn't pull anything out of me, so for those of you who know her better, check all the boxes that apply: [] skank [] bore [] dumb [] trash [] other, describe here ____________

A source that Justin and Olivia, who does shit on The Daily Show, first met at a MySpace event last month in the back of Avenue in NYC. They both decided that they wanted to sniff each other's parts later on so they exchanged phone numbers. Olivia must not be a whore to the core, because the source says she was wary about humping on another chick's piece. But Justin had that one figured out and lied to Olivia when he told her that he was no longer with Jessica. That's all Olivia needed to hear, because they got it on the next two nights at The Gansevoort Park Avenue Hotel. The source says they were "openly affectionate" at the hotel and later had "amazing" sex.

Okay, I was right there strolling next to the source until they said Justin and Olivia had "amazing" sex. How do they know this? Did the source have a deep Skype conversation afterwards with Olivia's pussy? Did they get a written statement for her exhausted clit? Did they talk to Justin's prostate (because you know he keeps a finger condom in his pocket for a little poking)?

And for some reason, I don't think Jessica Biel will care much. When she heard about this, she probably lifted her face from the ass she was nuzzling and barely let out a "meh".

Letters of Note (via TDW) says that long before the days of OxiClean and stains sticks, John Lennon raged at whoever did his laundry for turning his crisp white shirt into a shade of yellah. Before the laundress could throw the blame at Mrs. Yoko Ono Lennon, John let it be known that this is impossible since "Orientals" don't spit out as much sweat as everybody else.

Since my abuelita called me a "chinito" for years the "Oriental" thing doesn't really bother me, but this is the first I'm hearing about Asians having the sweat glands of a cat! Interesting. So John is telling me that if an Asian did jumping jacks in a hot sauna while reading an audit letter from the IRS, they would barely get wet? Hmmm. Well, I obviously didn't inherit that shit since I sometimes sweat like a sober call girl around Charlie Sheen. I don't mind, though. Sweat is nature's lube (after saliva, of course).

At a charity show in London last night, Boy George called a very lucky girl a "rude cunt" before throwing his drink at her. What did the lucky rude cunt do to earn such a high honor that most only dream about when they're drunkenly dancing around by themselves on an empty dance floor to Tumble 4 Ya (FYI: You can plop me into that visual)? Well, The Sun says that Boy George wasn't playing any of his popular songs, so the rude cunt entertained herself by talking all loud throughout his performance. You know what they say, fuck with Georgie the Hutt's magic and you're going to get a cunt word in the ear and a splash of vodka to the face.

I don't know what made me laugh more in this video, that wheezy old queen Georgie blowing out a torch song, or the rude little cunt screeching for her mommy as if he threw acid on her asshole. And then George waddles off the stage like he's going to chase after her, chain her to his radiator and then beat her with the chunkiest butt beads in his drawer. Or maybe he was heading to the potato bar since brawlin' makes him hungry. I don't know, but I do know that George needs to do this at every show!

A spokesbitch for Gossip Girl's Blake Lively and Penn Badgley (who looks like a Muppet-fied shaved Monchhichis to me) confirm to UsWeekly that the two pieces of unripe jicama ended their relationship back in September. Blake probably told her rep about this back then but bitch is always mumbling like she's got narcolepsy of the jaw so he didn't know what the hell she was talking about until now.

A source type tells Star Magazine that their break up had nothing to do with the blind items that suggest Blake is trying to pull Ben Affleck's wedding ring off with her chocha, or the pictures of her licking on Ryan Gosling's cream. No, the source says 23-year-old Blake is ready to start a family, but Penn wants to keep his life baby diarrhea-free for a while. The source went on to say, "Blake comes from a traditional Southern Baptist background, and she’s always had her eye on getting married and having lots of children. The pressure on him to settle down at such a young age finally reached the point where he realized he and Blake couldn’t get on the same page, timing-wise, about starting a family."

Blake is in The Green Lantern and Penn was in fucking The Stepfather, so methinks this split has less to do with her wanting a baby in her arms and more with her wanting a piece with a Google ranking higher than hers. Famous dudes of Hollywood better submit their applications now, because spaces are filling up fast (SPOILER ALERT: You know Blake is going to end up with a trick like Shia LaDouche or Leonardo DiCatchaho. Bitch is predictable).

Many many many ex members of Scientology who were lucky enough to not get tossed into a volcano by the fiery hand of Xenu upon their exit have talked openly about L. Ron Hubbard's silent birth shenanigans. Scientologists believe that a newborn baby has already been through some serious shit and the last thing it needs is its mother's "MAH PUSSAY IS BLOWIN' UP" screams knocking the womb jelly out of its precious ears. During a Scientology birth, no music, talking or screeching is allowed. Can you imagine pushing out an entire human out of your twat hole and some motherfucker says to you, "SHHH." L. Ron Hubbard IS HATEFUL!

Anyways, because of this, Radar's news that Kelly Preston is going to stick an epidural in her tongue during labor isn't surprising at all. Apparently, Kelly did the whole SHHH labor thing for all her children, so obviously she's going to do it with this one. A former high-level member of Scientology explained the silent birth process like this: "One is meant to be as silent as possible so as to not give the child a 'birth engram' with 'hypnotic' type phrases and sounds that will re-stimulate him later in life. Engram is a term used in Scientology that refers to a 'recording' of a past painful event not normally accessible to the conscious mind."

You might be wondering how John Travolta is going to keep from flailing and wailing like Minnie Mouse getting waxed when faced with Kelly Preston's vagina, but that's not going to be a problem. The most stressful thing John and Kelly have to deal with is picking out a fourth-trimester baby pillow with a silent zipper and quiet feathers.

As we all fall off the tightrope in slow motion..... Star Magazine brings us the news that Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewrecks of Atlanta might have a new BABY!!! in her house to fetch her a glass of zinfandel and nod when she asks if you can see her check cashing place in that dress. DJ Tracy Young, Kim's ex merkin fluffer, tell Star that Kim's got a little something baking in her womb.

And the fetus wasn't made with one of Big Poppa's platinum-coated sperm fishies. The man responsible for this foolery is reportedly pro football player Kroy Biermann who happens to be Kim's current boyfriend. Kroy is probably slapping at his nutsacks while thinking to himself, "Why wasn't my jizz tardy for the party?!" That's a question we're all asking ourselves today.

DJ Tracy went on to tell Star that Kim summoned her back to Atlanta to get back together and raise the baby together as a family, "She said she still loved me and wanted to tell me something important face to face. When I asked her what she was going to do, she said, 'I want you to stay and raise the baby with me, because Kroy doesn't want to be involved.'"

DJ Tracy was all ready to move to Atlanta to become the Section 8 version of Melissa Etheridge & Tammy Lynn Michaels, but Kim dropped her on her cooch once again when Kroy came back.

I guess since Beyonce doesn't have a baby occupying space her in Womb of Dereon, the gods have chosen Kim Zolciak to bring us a slobberer who wears leopard catsuits and bedazzled bonnets with a wig attached. But I'm not going to believe this until I see Kim waddling around with a baby bakin' wig on top of her head. You know, it's the wig with the roots and the natural curl. Kim is real like that.

Charlie Sheen stuffed half of White Oprah's night time stash up his nostrils, drank a Hoff load of the sweet nectar, brutally murdered a crystal chandelier and forced a nekkid ass nekkid call girl to lock herself in the bathroom out of sheer fear, but yet he's simply brushing the crusted vomit flakes off his chest and going back to life like none of that happened. People reports that Carlos Estevez is back in Los Angeles to shoot a cameo in a friend's movie on Friday before he takes his ass back to earn the Two and a Half Men set next week. Meanwhile, the craziest thing Jon Cryer has ever done is use cinnamon toothpaste that one time instead of mint and yet he'll never ever collect a bigger paycheck than Charlie Sheen. Being Charlie Sheen is fun!!! Being Charlie Sheen's liver, not so fun.

TMZ adds that even though Charlie has been in and out of Promises in Malibu during the past few months, he has no plans to return for more treatment. Apparently, people around Charlie are like "Um, I think I see the Grim Reaper sashaying up behind you" but that hasn't slowed him down and he just wants to move past the whole "screaming hooker in the bathroom" thing.

As for Denise Richards, she's been making the rounds promoting some show and she isn't say much about her ex-husband busting into a cokey-sponsored tornado of rage right across the hall from her daughters. On Joy Behar's show last night, the former cyborg pussy peddler basically only said, “I do know what happened and I did help him at the hospital. My daughters are five and six years old. They’re at an age where they can start to understand. They have no idea what went on.”

Charlie Sheen can turn whatever is left of his brains into overcooked Malt-O-Meal and trash a fancy hotel room on a Tuesday, and then he can non-nonchalantly skip into his job and collect a $1.6 million pay check the next week. And the only thing he'll get from his co-workers is a slightly awkward "Well, at least they didn't find a dead hooker" side-eye. Why hasn't White Oprah shown up to the Two and a Half Men set in a wedding dress to propose marriage to Charlie?!