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The 'Things I Would Rather Do Than Sleep With a Kardashian' contest just keeps getting wackier! - starla1971

Runners-up:

OMG! One of Madonna's arm veins has escaped into the PhotoShop Matrix. Run, Morpheus, run!! - jazzfish_77

PyQuil, the nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffyhead, fever, so you can get these motherfucking snakes out of my motherfucking mouth medicine. - Ikcor

Big deal. Stop crying. Pamela Anderson has had slimier things in her mouth and up her nostrils than that and she's a woman. - El Bastardo

via AP

Malik Turner, a 40-year-old UPS sorter who lives with his mom in Harlem and is the most eligible bachelor in the New York, if not the country, if not the world, if not the universe!

Scooping up vagina with the click of a mouse on Craigslist isn't the way a natural born romantic like Malik wants to woo the lady of his wet dreams to snuggle with him on the top bunk in his mom's guest room/office/craft station. Malik prefers to do it the old-fashioned way so he has posted several hand-written personal ads on telephone booths around the city. Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is how Romeo met Juliet.

Malik might be filled with a brand of delusion you thought only existed in a Lohan, but he knows how to write a personal ad. Malik's personal ad makes Harry Potter seems like something that exists in real reality. When Malik's kindergarten teacher told him to "dare to dream", he took that shit a little too far.

Basically, Malik is looking for a 21-45-year-old white or Hispanic female (NO SHE-MALES!!!!) with red or blonde hair (NO BROWNHAIREDS!!!) who has big tits (NO FATS!!!!) and is a total slut (NO HOOKERS!!!). She must also be a non-smoker who goes dutch (NO GOLD DIGGERS!!!) and regularly wears daisy dukes with 6-inch spiked heels (NO SHE-MALE HOOKERS!!). Malik is hoping to find all of this in a classy lady who stops and reads personal ads on a damn telephone booth!

If you're a 22-year-old Hispanic slut with red hair who thinks she has finally found her Prince Charming, think again. Malik is only looking for fuck times and isn't ready for anything serious.

I'm not going to add anything else, because Malik has it covered and you should really spend time reading his entire ad. And in case you haven't already noticed, MALIK IS WEARING A FANNY PACK! A fanny pack that matches his outfit! Yeah, so don't act like you're not dialing 9-1-7-6-5.... right now.

Kelly Osbourne (26)
Simon Le Bon (52)
Patrick Fugit (28)
Vanessa Mae (32)
Scott Weiland (43)
Matt Drudge (44)
Marla Maples (47)
Veronica Hart (54)
Roberto Benigni (58)
Jayne Kennedy (59)
Ivan Reitman (64)
Lee Greenwood (68)
John Cleese (71)
Ruby Dee (86)
Nanette Fabray (90)

Since Taylor Swift lives her life like she's a damn Strawberry Shortcake character, she went apple picking with Jakey Gyllenhaal on Saturday afternoon at a farm in Hopewell Junction, New York. And no, apple picking is not some kind of sex act involving eating several rolls of Saran Wrap and eating apple slices out of a....forget it. What I'm getting at is that they actually picked apples! I swear, skipping and giggling, these two.

A source tells UsWeekly that before their stroll through Park Slope on Sunday, Jakey and Taylor twirled through the Fishkill Farms. The source went on to say this mess, "They were walking through the trees, having fun together. They looked happy. Some of the customers tried to take a photo of them, but they were hiding from them in the trees. They drove through the orchard and bought the apples on the way out."

Hiding in the trees?! Fuck Tom Sawyer and Becky Thatcher. They're more like the Fox and the Hound. The song about this shit is practically writing itself.... "The apple in the tree... Why couldn't you let it be? You picked at my heart.... You tore it apart. I thought you were my white knight, Jake and now I'm falling back into the field of heartache..."

And I bet for their next date they are going to go antiquing followed by a tea tasting under a weeping willow tree. Taylor's publicist (or whoever paired these two together), you crazy for this one!

Need the perfect monster costume to throw some permanent scare on the dumb neighborhood children who don't know that the international sign for DON'T EVEN is a turned off porch light? Or to wear for the kinky dude in your life who rubs his foreskin to pictures of Jocelyn Wildenstein and always licks his lips when Dorothy Zbornak floats onto the TV screen (But who doesn't, right?). The scary Grocery Store Monster costume from the Snickers commercial is just what your ass needs and it can be all yours! Clothes Off Your Back is auctioning off the mask and robe used in the commercial and the bid is at $250 right now with less than 2 days left. But if you'd rather spend $250 on whores and the bad shit, you can make your own using a printed out picture of Xtina and a leopard Snuggie.

via TDW

After Carey Mulligan and Shia LaDouche flushed their relationship down the urinal of broken hearts for the final time, she had to stay in L.A. to shoot a film. So she moved out of Shia's fancy million dollar house and into the Best Western Hollywood Hills (not the one pictured above, obviously). Carey doesn't need imported Swiss truffles on her pillow (stuffed with the feathers from a unicorn's wing) every night or a toilet that uses Volvic water instead of tap. No, Carey just needs a bed and a 3-cup coffee machine. This is what Carey told People at last night's Hollywood Film Awards:

"I don't know why people are so down on the Best Western. They have the best sweet potato fries I've ever had."

Who is talking dirt about the Best Western? Oh, I know who is. Obviously, nobody at the Daily Mail has stayed at a Best Western. That shit is nice. I mean, they have not-so-stale croissants at the breakfast bar and I've never once thought to myself "This pillow was totally used to suffocate a crack whore" at bedtime. That is practically luxury! I've stayed at some decrepit dumps that make the Best Western look like The Golden Palace.

There was this one no-tell motel in Downtown San Diego that took the goddamn cake and smashed it. At the check-in counter, they had a note taped to the bulletproof glass window that read: "We are not responsible for any bodily injuries that may occur in your room - Management." First of all, who is this management? They are acting like they have weekly company meetings in the conference room where they throw around ideas while passing around a bagel platter. MOTEL PLEASE! Second of all, somebody actually typed out that memo on a computer with a straight face and straight fingers. Third of all, nothing makes me want to close my eyes in a strange room like knowing that if a crazed murderous bitch (aka a member of management) stabbed me in the gut in the middle of the night and I crawled down to the lobby while bleeding to death, the front desk clerk would simply point me towards the pay phone in the lobby. Yeah, but I still stayed there a second night. Well, it was like $30 a night and I didn't want to waste my drinkin' money!

The trailer for Shawty Mane's Never Say Never 3D! No word yet if the "Bieber vs. a bottle" incident got the 3D treatment. Yeah, I know that's a selling point - OMG Blog

Demi Moore wearing the perfect outfit to bust out her "ostrich trying to fly" dance moves at any time - Lainey Gossip

Meanwhile, Papa Joe just rolled himself in batter and is about to jump into the deep fryer - The Superficial

Dude is really excited to be hugging a naked Gis Bundchen - Hollywood Tuna

Xavier Samuel needs to wear less clothes - The Berry

Get me one of these!!!! - Towleroad

Halle Berry and Lenny Kravitz must share a stylist - Popoholic

Oh, Crystal Renn is just looking to see if she has any boogers up in there (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Blasphemy! Disney is cutting Keef Richards out of POTC4 - Celebitchy

Prettier than two pastel ponies licking on a rainbow lollipop - Popsugar

Brothers & Sisters is getting more Balthazar Getty - ICYDK

Amber Rose, we know your story already! We've all seen Mannequin a bunch of times - Crunk + Disorderly

Jon Stewart is like really influential - Cityrag

Kara DIOSMIO just won't go the fuck away!!!!!! - I'm Not Obsessed

Detective La Toya and a shopping cart - Hollywood Rag

Definitely needs more Eric Stoltz - SOW

Nicolette Sheridan's pearl necklace is a nice touch - Celebslam

This post has nothing to do with the silicone glazed orchid we all know as Pete Burns, but he's a global pop star who lives in London and who definitely has "highly sensitive" pictures worth at least £2,000 each (give or take 3 zeros), so it works! Anyways, a 24-year-old man named Sebastian Bennett was convicted in London today of breaking into a famous pop star's home in the middle of the night, stealing two of her lap tops and then blackmailing her for thousands with a few "highly sensitive" pictures he found on her hard drive. The pop star wants to keep a giant question mark over her face so she has taken out a court order banning the media from dropping her name. Magnifying glasses up!

Last November, the mysterious pop star lost her house keys while going to get her hair done. Her keys somehow landed into the hands of Sebastian Bennett. That night, a man (probably Sebastian) used the keys and snuck into her house while she was asleep. The burglar almost got caught when one of her relatives, who was asleep in another room, woke up. The burglar ran out of the apartment with two of her laptops and a set of car keys. The pop star thought that was that and then the emails started showing up in her inbox...

The blackmail demanded £20,000 for 27 "highly sensitive" (in case you didn't know already, these pictures are HIGHLY SENSITIVE) pictures of the pop star. If she didn't pay up, he was going to start shopping them to the media. He told her he could probably get at least £54,000 for them so she was getting a discount. To make a long story less long, the pop star set up a sting operation with the cops and the bitch got nabbed! The end. But who is this mysterious pop star with HIGHLY SENSITIVE pictures? This is what we know:

1) She's a world famous pop star
2) She's "instantly recognizable"
3) She has a house in London

All signs point to Pete Burns again! No. The Detective La Toya who lives in the parlor room in my head tells me this is Lily Allen. My inner DTL also tells me these HIGHLY SENSITIVE pictures aren't of her nipples or of her making a Hitler salute in a sexy KKK outfit or anything like that. I bet the pictures are of her watching a Justin Bieber video all the way through. That shit is beyond damaging.

via Telegraph (Thanks Jim)

Whenever my mother dragged my ass to church as a kid, you'd always find me lying down on one of the pews in the back with a box of Fig Newtons in my hand and an "OVER THIS" look on my face. But this baby is not like me because she's feeling whatever is coming her way. You know what's coming her way? The hypnotic moves Jesus' main fly girl is serving. Obviously.

And this is pretty much me whenever I watch Showgirls.

via Anorak

At last night's For Colored Girls premiere in NYC, Roshumba, a model type who's also a judge on that She's Got The Look mess, showed up looking like her asshole was trying to play a game of Hongray Hongray Hippo with her dress. Wearing Mrs. Brady's honeymoon outfit out in public is one thing, but wearing a dress that sucks to your nalgas and makes those around you think that your no-no could suck the mole off of Blake Lively is another. The only thing I have to say about this is, where did Roshumba get that dress, because Gay Al Reynolds is going to want one in every damn color.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's premiere which doubled as the Super Bowl of eyebrow game. In order: Roshumba and her "look at this power bottom" dress, Janet Jackson with her piece guest, Thandie Newton, Macy Gray, RUBY DEE!!!!, Ashford & Simpson, Phylicia Rashad, Loretta Devine and Patti LaBelle.