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Don't you worry, there's no need to throw a panty over your eyes, because no Xtina labia is visible from here. I mean, do you see a second pair of red lacquered lips puckering at you from down below? Xtina always makes sure her lips match. She's a lady like that. Maybe she's wearing flesh-colored vagina Spanx, or maybe she sprayed her cooch with equal parts bronzer, pancake make-up and whatever they color Barbie's skin with so it matches the rest of her body. Who knows.

On Hollywood Blvd. this afternoon, Xtina gracefully lounged on the sidewalk next to her star while her mom and younger brother watched all proud-like. The fact that Xtina looks like "Hatchet Face after a Swan makeover" doesn't make me ignore her parched eyebrow situation.

I don't understand why she keeps doing this to herself! Xtina covers almost every one of her pores with enough grease to keep Tommy Girl's no-no in business for years yet she can't throw a little moisture on her brows. It's like she dusted her brows with the ashy charcoal my mom hasn't cleaned from her Weber in decades. Only Vincent Price is allowed to have brows like that. Come on, Xtina, put some Sharpie on it!

Looking like Shelley Duvall with her favorite probe blocker cap on, Elizabeth Denise Crull of Orlando, FL tells Wesh2 about how she sort of kind of crashed into a school bus filled with karate students (no karate kids were injured).

You know, you could totally make a potent cocktail with her 100 proof saliva, but I'm on her side! It's not bitch's fault. She tried to turn her steering wheel to hit the bus, but it kept jumping around. And then um....she went to hit the break but she ended up stomping on the um...the um.... (excuse me while I sort through the junk drawer in my head) the um... gas pedal instead! The break pedal and the gas pedal totally switched places to fuck with her! FREE DRUNK LIZZY DENNY (no, don't).

via Gawker TV

Eight years after Daddy Spears and Lynne Spears both took their hands off the half-melted plastic ladle in their aluminum pot of coarsely ground loooove, they have put their hands back on and are stirring together again!

People says that Daddy Spears and Lynne Spears were grinding on each other at Boudoir in Los Angeles. YES, a witness-type says they were dancing on each other to their own daughter's songs. Lord, catch me as I fall. Watching Daddy Spears and Lynn Spears rhythmically hump on each other probably looks exactly like two elderly chickens with Tourettes fighting under a blanket in slow motion. Or like Demi Moore dancing in front of a mirror.

Another source says that this isn't the first time Daddy and Lynn have spent time together. Apparently, they've been licking warm grits off each other's nipples since this past summer. The source went on to say, "They are back together and are doing well and happy. They're not remarried but back together."

So now when Daddy Spears checks the possum trap in Brit Brit's backyard, he has a helping hand there to hold up the door while he wrassles up Thanksgiving dinner by the neck. And when the kitchen range breaks down for good, he can push it into the backyard for Lynn to use as a gardening table (my cousin did that shit, so I shouldn't joke) instead of throwing it out. Daddy Spears' partner in ratchetness is back!

And here's Brit Brit spending time with JJ the other day while hurting my everything with those mutant UGGS (?) on her feet.

Ryan Gosling needs to call it a day, because the boy in the I Heart Haters t-shirt has this! - Popsugar

"I did not have sexual relations with that transsexual Thai bar girl...or that tiger" - Bill Clinton's line in The Hangover 2 - The Superficial

Well, I hope they have a Best Western wherever The Great Gatsby is filming - Lainey Gossip

Eva Mendes stares into a face that looks more natural than her (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Riding bitch - NYC Barstool Sports

Orlando Bloom likes surprises - Popsugar

Ho has moves - OMG Blog

How many posthumous Michael Jackson singles are there?! - Towleroad

Posh's nipples are as frozen as her feelings - Cityrag

An artiste who gets all his supplies under a restaurant dining table - The Berry

Spider-Man on Broadway is going to be a mess - Just Jared

What Nick Lachey really meant is, "I did it fiiiirst! Aha! Aha!" - ICYDK

A stupid little thing called "marriage" isn't going to stop Katy Perry from bringing out her slut - IMO

You know something ain't right when Carmen Electra is the most covered trick on the beach - Hollywood Rag

Snooki should put a rubber on EVERYTHING (even pickles) she puts in her mouth so this makes sense - Celebitchy

Looks like Tootie is taking hair advice from Willow Smith - Crunk + Disorderly

Is Mila Kunis auditioning for a role on The Walking Dead? - Popoholic

Kellan Lutz all roidy-ish - Popbytes

J "I'm A Size Two" Love actually does look like a size two here - Hollywood Tuna

Ken Jeong likes to show off his unit - SOW

The most attractive sound that has ever come out of Cheryl Cole - Holy Moly!

Long before Taylor Momsen was cementing her status as the hardest bitch on the playground by running a Shake and Bake meth lab in the glove compartment of her Barbie car, she was starring in a Shake 'N Bake commercial!

This is a 3-year-old Taylor Momsen shaking away any hope she had for a childhood (her queefs, not mine!) back in 1997. We're not only watching a little girl make a delicious chicken meal that is best served with hot mashed potato flakes, but we're also watching her slowly become the SAD PANDA she is today.

via HuffPo

GQ has named ScarJo its "Babe of the Year"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you CITIZEN'S ARREST the cover of a magazine, because this is thieving in every degree. International supermodel and the flame in America's torch Phoebe Price is the only "Hot Babe of the Year" every single year until years don't exist anymore! It's in the Constitution of the United States of Fuckery.

Yes, if you want to get all technical with me, GQ left the "Hot" off, but still! PP's body temperature fluctuates more than my sanity levels so sometimes she's "Frozen Babe of the Year" or "Thawed Out Babe of the Year" or "Needs A Snuggie Babe of the Year" or "Charbroiled Babe of the Year" or simply just "Babe of the Year".

GQ better sprinkle some chicken seed on their office floor and get ready to bow down to their new poultry overlord. PP will own them as soon as she finds a lawyer in the yellow pages who will work for headbands. "Larry H. Parker got me the GQ EMPIRE!!!" - PP when she's done with GQ.

If you want to be a shameless traitor, you can go here to see ScarJo's Photoshop Award-worthy pictures in GQ, or you can do the right thing and spend time with the ONLY Babe of the Year below.

Never EVER before have I wanted to shop at Goodwill in Seattle like I do now after watching this clip from a local news station. They had me at these four sparkly words which gently twirled across my soul: TONS OF FUCKING SEQUINS.

I swear, I even put my hand up to the screen and everything.

via TDW

Whoever said RiRi isn't the kind of role model you want kids today to look up to, need to spend a little time with these pictures of her posing with a bunch of chirruns outside of a restaurant in NYC last night. While the Ronald McDonald bukkake on her head says "Fuck My Life", the necklace around her neck says "fuck you." Now that is a lesson plan I can get behind.

Most parents want to do the honor of teaching their children the only words they will need in life, but I'm sure they didn't mind their kids learning from RiRi. And I'm also sure that these kids' teachers will be so proud when they bring this mess of a picture in for show and tell. Those teachers are going to need a bigger gold star!

And I'm sure that RiRi's rep will say that she thought her necklace meant "rebellious flower" in Dutch.

Here's a few more pictures of Teacher RiRi with our nation's youth last night and also of her leaving her hotel this morning with Argie Cherries' freshly scalped mane on her head.

The ghost of Taylor Momsen's future look, Sebastian Bach, was slipped into a pair of handcuffs first thing this morning at a bar in Toronto after he allegedly murdered a wine glass by throwing it across the room before biting at an employee who was trying to control his rage. Sebastian not only looks like one of the Real Housewives of Orange County without her face paint on, but he fights like one too. I'm into it.

The Toronto Sun says that 42-year-old Sebastian got into a fight with the staff at Riley’s Old Towne Pub. When they told his ass to get out, Sebastian headed for the door with a glass of wine in his hand. They told him he had to leave the wine glass, so he pulled an "If I can't have you, nobody can!" and threw it at the front door. That's when the owner of the bar tried to hold Sebastian down until the cops got there. While the owner hugged Sebastian hard, he got bit in the hand. The cops arrived and found 1.95 grams of weed in Sebastian's pockets. He was charged with with assault, possession of marijuana and mischief. He will face a judge in Toronto sometime today.

All of this foolery could have been avoided if Sebastian politely excused himself from the argument to smoke a little of the good shit in a bathroom stall. Instead of biting into a ho's hand, Sebastian would've wanted to bite into a piece of fried grease at KFC. And trust me, unless you're Vampireina Jolie or pepaw zombie Keef Richards, biting into fried grease is much more delicious than biting into human skin.

Papa Joe knows that Jessica Simpson's marriage to that Eric Johnson dude is going to last about as long a red velvet whoopie pie in front of her face, which is why he used Flex Pay to buy the cheapest ruby, diamond and yellow gold engagement ring on HSN. This is also why there's no way he's going to let her exchange vows with Eric without slipping a money condom (aka a prenup) over their marriage first.

Popeater says that Jessica's basic ass believes that the fart bubble enveloping their love will never pop, so she's not going to ask Eric to sign a prenup. Jessica didn't do it with Nick Lachey and his ass sashayed away with $10 million between his succulent man chichis. But a source says that as her manager Papa Joe gets 10% of Jessica's $100 million fortune and so he's not going to let Eric Johnson mess with his money. The source went on to say, "At the moment, Joe is sitting back and being a great father, supporting his daughter and his future son-in-law. However, you can bet after all the excitement has died down, Joe is going to do everything in his power to make sure Jessica doesn't walk down the aisle until Eric signs away any right he might have to Jessica's enormous fortune."

Eric barely finalized his divorce from his wife of 5 years a quick minute ago and he's only been nibbling on Jessica's coochieronies for a few months.

When Papa Joe's eyeballs aren't awkwardly glued to Chestica's chesticles, they're glued to her checking account. He's going to do whatever it takes to get Jessica to sign a prenup, even if it means getting seriously serious. Papa is going to sit Jessica down and lay 10 Twinkies out on the table. Then he's going to tell her that if Eric files for divorce after realizing that he can no longer deal with her burping into his b-hole during a salad tossing, he could take up to 5 of her 10 Twinkies in a settlement. That will set her right! When all else fails, bring Twinkies into it!