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TURKEY LURKEY (as played by the patron saint of sarcasm Dorothy Zbornak as played by the patron saint of EVERYTHING Bea Arthur!!!!!)

Put down one of Sandra Lee's Thanksgiving Jell-O shots for a minute, gather hands, bow your heads and give gracias to the beautiful things that life has gifted us with like: each other (AWWWWWWWWWzz), high-speed internet connection, bongs, Rojo Caliente, gingers in general, lube remover, ethanol, kittens who can't open their eyes yet, glasses-wearing babies, the Boos (including Mah Boo, Boo Berry and Boo Boo Bear), half-popped corn kernels and most importantly the spirit of BEA ARTHUR!!!!!!!

Oh, and we should also give thanks to Foxy Loxy for catching the turkey we're about to gnaw on. Wait. Did I just ruin Thanksgiving dinner by saying we're about to eat Bea Arthur in a turkey costume? Fuckit. Put the turkey in the fridge and give me another Jell-O shot. Happy Tanksgiven', hos!

Bruno Tonioli (55)
Katie Cassidy (24)
Gaspard Ulliel (26)
Joey Chestnut (27)
Barbara & Jenna Bush (29)
Christina Applegate (39)
Jill Hennessey (42)
Billy Burke (44)
Dougray Scott (46)
Kevin Chamberlin (47)
Amy Grant (50)
John Larroquette (63)
Ben Stein (66)

Yeah, I know that could be Calista Flockhart and Khloe Kardashian in the pic above for all you know, but the "these two" I'm talking about are Cameron Diaz and A-Rod. Here's Cameron Deeznuts and A-Roidy sunning their chichis on a boat in Miami yesterday afternoon. The last time I checked, Cameron was off that roid dick and was running her nipples through Matthew Morrison's hair. But I guess she must've missed raspberrying A-Rod's succulent chesticles and came back for more.

We've all got those fall-back pieces we sometimes call up for a quick pick me up (or a peen me up in most cases). Although, for some reason mine only text back with: go eff something else i hate u diaf. Texting hard to get, I know!

The rumor going around the tetherball court for the past few weeks is that two of the Gosselin sextuplets were kicked out of private school for being bad ass bullies who can't behave right in class. Kate Gosselin hasn't said a word about this, but Mary Hart is on the case!

The glamorous ladybot aimed her laser beam eyes at Kate and tried to extract out the truth during an interview for Entertainment Tonight. But since the invisible wall surrounding Kate is made from 100% hardcore cunt bricks, Mary was unable to get through and she never admitted that her kids were expelled. Kate did admit that they are currently being homeschooled, though. I guess Latarian Milton's Academy of Hood Rat Stuff was full.

"Two of my children, no, are being tutored at home, with a teacher who is working closely with our kindergarten teachers in school, doing the identical curriculum.

The pressure was getting to them... You have the divorce anger mixed in with that. They needed some breathing time. The goal is to get them back into school as soon as possible."

Breathing time from kindergarten?! Damn. Shit must've changed since when I was a kid, because the most stressful thing we learned in kindergarten was to NOT eat glue (something I have yet to grasp). Who can blame them, though? If your mom ate the nanny alive every time she spoke without saying "Yes, your cuntress" first and if your dad was Ed Hardy's answer to Jabba the Hutt, you'd want to slap one of your lil' classmates too.

via HuffPo

As a responsible pet owner (HA, I know), I need to know if Jeremy Piven registered that creature on his head with the city, and is it micro-chipped? - Moe Jackson

How much do you want to bet that MTV is going to give Teen Mom Amber's daughter a show called Cradle of Love where hos compete to adopt her? - The Superficial

Dan Rad is Harry Potter - Lainey Gossip

Candice Swanepoel's nipples all over V Man (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

What the hell kind of dildo is Joe Jonas' beard carrying around? - Hollywood Tuna

Meanwhile, Reese Witherspoon is thinking to herself, "Hmmm.....Should I reline the kitchen shelves or defrost the freezer this weekend?" - Popsugar

RUBBERS FOR EVERYBODY, so says Pope Eggs Benedict - Towleroad

Ashley Olsen wearing Kirstie Alley's favorite eatin' outfits - Just Jared

Shaving the word "ASSHOLE" into the back of his head would've had the same effect - Videogum

Dude wasn't pulling his hair, he just wanted to see how luscious and full of body it was - NYC Barstool Sports

Wise travel words from Chris Rock - Cityrag

All flavors of GROSS SHIT (except for the puppy) - Hollywood Rag

Lisa Rinna is doing the Demi Moore - SOW

The chick from the Phantom of the Opera movie and Sideshow Bob are done with each other - ICYDK

And here's that Minka Kelly person carrying strawberries - Popoholic

Denise Richards teaching her kids to the lie about dumb crap - I'm Not Obsessed

Charlie Sheen's imprisoned porn star is going to sue his ass after all - Celebitchy

You've probably already patted yourself to every single one of these Dave Salmoni pictures, but why not do it all over again like it's the first time - The Berry

The Brawny Man is totally fapping to this. Here's The Man Your Man Could Smell Like and The Most Interesting Man in the World together at last. Obviously, this picture was taken from inside of Chuck Norris' head.

@isaiahmustafa via Buzzfeed

Popeater says that this Thanksgiving, St. Angie will gather her child army in a circle and recite Christina Ricci's "thanks for letting all us white people kill the Indians and steal their tribal land" speech from The Ice Storm instead of giving them a turkey dinner. Brad Pitt might have told Extra that his family is going to "whip up a turkey" somewhere, but Popeater's sources say that St. Angie wants nothing to do with it! So take off that pilgrim costume and pull the chosen ones out of that cornucopia, Maddox, because Thanksgiving is CANCELED!

One of Brangelina's friends explain, "Angelina Jolie hates this holiday and wants no part in rewriting history like so many other Americans. To celebrate what the white settlers did to the native Indians, the domination of one culture over another, just isn't her style. She definitely doesn't want to teach her multi-cultural family how to celebrate a story of murder. Angelina gets so grossed out by Thanksgiving that she has made sure her family will not be in America this year on Thursday."

But that know-it-all bitch Wikipedia tells me that the reason why I shove my head in a bowl of cranberries and rinse out my face with pumpkin pie vodka is because it's how I give thanks for a bountiful liquor cabinet, or something like that.

But really, the real reason St. Angie hates Thanksgiving is because she doesn't appreciate everybody at the table screaming "Pass the mashed potatoes, gravy, pie, biscuits, yams, buttermilk to ANGIE!!!" And she also doesn't appreciate her kids throwing her judgmental side-eyes when she feasts on wisps of air while they devour turkey legs. So if Maddox keeps his eyes down, Thanksgiving will be restored again!

File this under: THE STORY OF THE YEAR! Jay Kay of Jamiroquai and Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols were sitting next to each other in business class on a flight to Australia when shit went down. Or should I say, when shit went out in cloud form. Jay Kay tells The Sun that the foul, dirty, disgusting, throat-choking, lash-singe-ing farts that came out of Johnny Rotten made the oxygen masks shake and the flight attendants stick their heads out of the emergency door for fresh air. According to Jay Kay, Johnny Rotten's a-hole basically bombed out a terrorist threat.

"He is a fucking nuisance. I was seated next to him on a flight and the whole trip he just kept farting. It was totally foul.

He kept saying, 'Oh, that wasn't me' or, 'The meal smells a bit off, don't you think?' He drove me insane."

Jay Kay says that he would rather endure the torture of coach than breathe in Johnny Rotten's butt sneezes again:

"At least I'd be able to breathe a bit. They banned smoking in the air and they should ban farting."

What does Jay Kay expect Johnny Rotten to smell like? Bunnies made from gardenias bouncing around in baby powder?! It's Johnny Rotten! I'd file a complaint if he didn't inflate the under seat life vests with his farts. I really hope that Johnny Rotten's gas follows Jay Kay around for the rest of his days, because bitch is funny when he gets angry over farts.

At the end of his show at NYC's Bowery Ballroom last night, Pastor Gay Fish took to the imaginary podium and spit out a 9 minute long whiny bitch sermon about himself, Taylor Swift, himself, Matt Lauer, himself, Dubya, himself, himself, himself and himself. Even Stuart Smalley was like, "Give the mirror some air, dude, and back away..."

It's just 9 minutes of Kanye yanking at his own shit while wailing out WOE IS ME song about how everyone's out to destroy him. Bitch, you ain't Alexis Carrington! And Alexis would simply slap a bitch, steal their man and then move on to the next. Instead of making everybody head to the exit door early by busting out a rant, Kanye just needs to slap Matt Lauer and steal his man. Do it like Alexis would.

If you don't feel like spending time with Kanye's voice today, here's a couple of subjects he touched upon last night. From UsWeekly:

Gay Fish on the Taylor situation, which happened like 15 centuries ago: "Taylor never came to my defense at any interview," West ranted. "And rode the waves and rode it and rode it."

Gay Fish on the Today show manipulating Dubya's words to get him ragey: "Because [of] the popularity of me, they exploited that...That's not what he f*cking said!" West railed. "That's not what he said! He said it was one of his lowest moments. But it shows you---the way they try to villainize, the way they tried to do that."

And here's the video from Gotcha Media.

The best part is when some dude in the audience screams "WHO CARES?!" Now that's the real voice of the people. Preach it!

Those of you who celebrate Carb & Booze Day tomorrow are going to need something to talk about in between nibbling on Jell-O salad around the table. So after you finish telling your nana and your other relatives the story about a young man's discovery of a menstrual artifact in a crotch cave, you can paint them a picture of Dennis Rodman getting something sucked on during a radio interview yesterday morning. Gobble gobble.

Dennis called in to 790 The Ticket, a South Florida Sports Talk Radio, and a few minutes into the interview it became clear that his blood flow was going downstream instead of upstream. Dennis kept throwing out a bunch of "ums" and barely audible responses. Basically, bitch acted like me whenever the nurse at the free clinic asks me how many partners I've humped on in total. When the hosts finally asked Dennis what he and his trick Teresa were up to, he said, "She's just sucking something. Sorry! I'm sorry about that. You said keep clean, right?"

If the Dennis Rodman of today didn't look like Gollum on the wrong kind of growth hormones, this might give me a fever in the nipples, but it doesn't. Especially because he didn't specify what kind of "something" Teresa was putting her lips on. My imagination is fueled by gutter water, so the image of Teresa chupa-ing on Dennis' anus ring is going to stay with me through the holidays.

via Cleveland Leader