The News of the World has published what they say are ESCANDALOSO pictures (you have to pay to see that mess, so fuckit) of married Elizabeth Hurley rubbing her mouth all over the mouth of a dude who isn't her husband. The NOTW claims that Elizabeth's wayward snatch has skipped on over to the peen of Australian cricketer Shane Warne and that the two were together as recently as this past Wednesday.
Not a great day. For the record, my husband Arun & I separated a few months ago. Our close family & friends were aware of this.
about 4 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
Elizabeth started spreading her chest dumpling all over Arun in 2002 and they got married in 2007.
Below are pictures of Shane taking his swollen cricket out for a little swim while vacationing with his ex-wife and kids in Fiji three years ago. Yes, Elizabeth has moved on from the Indian Julio Iglesias with that. Possible gold digger fail alert.
I mean, Arun looks like he cums rose-scented hundred dollars bills, but maybe Shane really has the shit that makes Elizabeth's chocha chirp. Who knows. But I do know that Arun better get revenge by humping on Divine Brown in a car parked on Sunset Blvd.
But in The Lesbeaver's defense, if that Blink-182 dude asked Ozzy Osbourne if he watches Sharon Osbourne's show The Talk, he'd probably answer with: "Who the fuck is Sharon Osoburne?!"
10-year-old superstar sensation Willow Smith is too busy whipping her hair that she doesn't have time to whip out stupid school books to study. Willow tells The Telegraph (via CBS) that there's no time for school shit when she's trying to focus all her energy on snatching RiRi's wig off in a bid to become the next big thing. Yeah, 2010 isn't over yet, but it's safe to say that the powers-that-be can start engraving Will and Jada's names on the PARENTS OF THE YEAR trophy. Title won!
This is what Willow had to say:
"I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school."
Willow isn't missing anything. MATHS is for suckers! Who needs to know the answer to 2 + 2 (Don't tell me! I'm thisclose to solving it for myself!)? That's what Willow's assistants are for! Who cares if Willow can't sound out the words on her contract that read: "Your forever future earnings go into your parents' checking accounts. FOREVER!" Willow is a BIG STAR! Besides, if her career should fail for whatever reason she can just blame it on the maths.
And here's a little clip from Maury that reminds us all that 2012 isn't that far away and society is going to go out with a BANG! 13-year-old Cel’andrea (Ironically, that sort of sounds like the name of a birth control and herpes simplex drug in one which has been banned from the FDA and can only be found in certain pharmacies in Algodones, Mexico) tells Maury that she sends naked pictures of herself to boys and that SNOOKI is her idol. Yup, we're fucked.
It's a good thing that Hairspray took place in the 1960s, because Cel'andrea is exactly what Tracy Turnblad would look like if it was set in the Jersey Shore era.
The Royal Family released two official engagement portraits of Prince William and Kate Middleton shot by Mario Testino, and even though the one above is softly whispering "And a kiss begins with K" into my eyes, it's not perfect. You know what it needs? A HOT GINGE BOMB! BOOM:
Fucking perfection! Now it's truly ready for public consumption!
Never mind Nicole Richie throwing an "Am I really going to marry a bitch from Good Charlotte?" look, because she did marry a bitch from Good Charlotte last night at her daddy's mansion. After being together for four years and making two babies together, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden said "Til Death or an InTouch cover story from a call girl proclaiming 'Joel Madden sent me sexy text messages!' does them part" in front of 130 friends and family in Los Angeles last night. UsWeekly says that guests included Khloe Kardashian, Samantha Ronson and an elephant. Since Parasite Hilton couldn't make it, she sent the elephant in her place so she could be there in aroma (no offense to the elephant's anus).
Nicole's best friend Masha Gordon was her maid of honor and her daughter Sad Clown Baby was the flower girl. Nicole apparently wore a Marchesa wedding gown constructed by an army of twee mice with paws small enough to handle the teeny tiny threads of silk on her dress which was probably the size of a bunny's condom. And to honor her father, Nicole Richie placed a giant Lionel Richie clay head in the middle of every table. Now that is a centerpiece to knock a granny over for:
Anyway, congrats to Nicole and Joel and blah blah blah... This calls for a HAMSTER DANCE!
And that's probably EXACTLY what Benji Madden looked like when he tried to get his beat on last night.
Ginger, the cunning cat from South Wales who summoned the police to his door when he "accidentally" dialed 999 (the number for emergency services) while taking a nap on a phone. THIS IS NEWS. Ginger's owner Mr. Howard Moss tells the most important news service in the world The Daily Mail that he was left scratching his WTF place when the police knocked on his door answering to a 999 call placed from his house. The police came inside to make sure everything was alright and then they saw it: GINGER's sneaky ass napping on top of a phone with the receiver off. Mr. Moss went on to say, "When the police realized what had happened they were quite amused. I asked them if they had ever had a call-out like that before and they shook their heads."
You know who wasn't amused? GINGER! That call was not accidental. Ginger's fragile eyeballs just couldn't take looking at his owners' fug ass sweater anymore. This is a violation of all his rights and straight-up harassment so he called the police to do something about it. And they didn't! Look at how Ginger is looking away with a tinge of sadness mixed with disappointment in his little eyes. The police have let him down! Justice has not purrvailed (ugh, you can GONG me hard for that one).
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