One of the rules of life is that if you're ever in the pitch black darkness, you never ever stick something in your eye without licking it first to make sure it's not going to leave you looking like you should be barking at the crew to swab the poop deck while a damn ass parrot squawks on your shoulder. Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Von Anhalt did not follow this rule and it almost cost him his eyeball.
Prince Von A-Hole's spokeswhore tells CNN that he will be wearing an eye patch for the next two weeks because he accidentally squirted his eye with Zsa Zsa's nail glue instead of Visine. Prince Von A-Hole's excuse is that "it was dark" and "it was a stupid thing to do."
This is obviously a sign. It was only a few months ago when the prince's pie hole almost went mute after a bee flew into his mouth and stung the shit out of his throat. And now he almost goes blind from his own dumbfoolery? What's next? Dude is going to stick a pair of baby black widows in his ear holes instead of headphones? Someone is trying to make sure that Prince Von A-Hole won't be able to text or talk out messages to the media. To which I say to that someone, TRY HARDER!
You're on a date with some dude you really like and it's going better than well. He tells you that he loves the way your hair curls like Mariah Carey's before she discovered a flat iron, and you giggle as he opens up the door for you to the County Fair store near your house in Meadville, PA. While browsing for beef jerky and condoms, you decide that you like this dude SO MUCH that you really want to do something special that will impress him. You know what to do. You grab his hand, lead him to the walk-in freezer, pull your skirt up, pull down your panties and take a straight-up piss all over a bunch of bagels and cookies. A swoon fills the dude's heart as urine-scented cold smoke fills the freezer. That's exactly what 23-year-old Carrie Harkness did on Saturday morning.
The Smoking Gun says that Carrie's impromptu freezer piss caused $508 in damages. Carrie was charged with criminal mischief and disorderly conduct and for being a nasty ass. Carrie will have to show her face in court on January 12th.
A couple of days after Carrie, who is a mother of two, killed a bunch of cookies by emptying her bladder on them, she posted this message on her Facebook:
“Omg have you ever liked someone so much and go out with them and make a fool of yourself????? wish I could take back friday night!!!!! But youngstown is on point wish my friend could forgive me!!!!!!”
Okay, we've all been drunk in the middle of a walk-in freezer and thought about pissing on the bagels, but we didn't do it! Just like we've all been drunk in the middle of the subway and thought about pulling our nipple out to try to lick it, but we didn't (at least I don't think I did) do it! I mean, I'd stand in her corner if she pulled the "When You Gotta Go You Gotta Go" card, but her excuse is that she was trying to impress somebody. Who the fuck is she trying to impress with her down to piss antics? R. Kelly? If that's the case, no amount of golden shower behavior is going to impress him since homegirl is a little out of his usual age range.
Lots of celebrity break up announcements this holiday season, but one more is supposed to be coming in the next few weeks. This couple has actually been split up for months now, but you may not have even noticed since – like Scarlett and Ryan – they are usually photographed separately from each other. They were going to announce a couple of weeks ago, but got cold feet once they saw the flurry of attention that other celebrities were getting for the same action. The more famous of the two wants the publicists to release the announcement between Christmas and New Year’s in the hopes that the public will be too busy celebrating the holidays to notice. Before you start feeling sorry for either of them, though, you should probably know that both have already moved on to new relationships. (Blind Gossip)
Knobby the Sasquatch has been photographed more times than Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin together, so I'll throw a question mark after their names. And it kind of makes me sad that they might split up without having a serious couple name. We should give them one now! Chrisneth? Trowtin? Gooplay? Two cunts?
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson – done. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens – split. Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpenter – kaput. Anna Friel and David Thewlis – over. Dylan Walsh and Joanna Going – going, gone. Let’s recap. One of the guys is dating an ex. Two of them are clearly gay. Another is a little indiscriminate with his seed. And the other – eh, who cares. (Billy Masters via Blind Gossip)
And here's what my guess sheet looks like: Ryan - with the ex, Zac Efron - with a peen, Michael C. Hall - with a peen, David Thewlis - with everyone and Dylan Walsh - with who cares?
This B- list actor is on a hit network television show right now. He used to be on another hit show back in the day, but was not the star like he is right now. Anyway, he recently got a very large raise and decided to spend a portion of it doing good. He went to the largest homeless shelter in downtown Los Angeles and handed out $20,000 in $100 gift cards to Wal-Mart to every person with a child and then arranged three buses to transport all the people to the closest Wal-Mart. (CDAN)
Wal-Mart?! He's supporting Wal-fucking-mart? What a mooooonster!
Basically, Nicole Kidman meant to say that Xenu's got the other two kids' souls by his fist - Lainey Gossip
Becks is topless and getting poked (not like that) - Towleroad
You can almost hear the material on CoCo's dress crying out for mercy - Hollywood Tuna
If they made a CAPS LOCK butt plug charm, Kanye West would be all about it - The Berry
Kim Kardashian with a mouth full of foam (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Vivica Fox is very fertile - Celebitchy
Emily Blunt's blouse-thing is confusing me - Popoholic
Larry King's lizard dick still gets hard naturally - OMG Blog
Shia LaBeouf or a stoner hitchhiker who is visiting us from 1974? - Popsugar
Suri Cruise is obviously embarrassed to be seen with her parents when they're looking like that - Just Jared
I can't wait to see Bret Michaels' weddin' bandanna/veil - ICYDK
The dudes who broke into 50 Cent's mansion know how to party - I'm Not Obsessed
Finally, some sensible tattoos! - Cityrag
Paul Wall is now Paul Half-A-Wall - Necole Bitchie
I'm eating chicken dumpling soup here, fuck! - Hollywood Rag
Vanessa Manillafolders and Nick Lachey at LAX, still dressed like it's 2001 - Moe Jackson
When dollar sign-less Kesha strolls down the toilet paper aisle at Rite-Aid and eyes a succulent bundle of Charmin on the shelf, her stomach growls, she licks her lips and she thinks about how she can't wait to get it home and nibble on it raw. You see, Keisha is addicted to eating toilet paper and she let TLC's cameras document her love for unused ass wipes for their show My Strange Addiction. Terrence Howard is so confused right now.
You know, I've been known to nibble on raw Top Ramen noodles during an HSN marathon or two, so I can't judge Kesha, but I still can't believe she eats that toilet paper completely plain. No Lawry's Seasoned Salt, no hot sauce, no ketchup, no ranch dressing, no Fluff, no Nutella, no Molly McButter... NOTHING! Gross. If Kesha really wants to rock her world, she should Top Chef that shit by sticking a slice of ham between two pieces of tp. Or go gourmet by shoving a slice of salami between two Always pads before grilling it on a George Foreman. A maxipadnini, if you will. Seriously, eating a raw piece of toilet paper is like eating something out of Fishsticks Paltrow's kitchen. No thank you.
However, at least when Kesha does her business her toilet paper-covered shits wipe her own asshole so she doesn't have to!
If Blanket Jackson cloned himself twice and started a Hanson tribute band, it would look just like this latest nugget of fuckery cooked up by Richard Heene (aka Balloon Boy's dad). Richard has a totally useless piece of shit product out called the Bear Scratch, which is literally just a piece of wood, and has forced his boys out onto the ho stroll to whore that mess out for him in a music video. The result will make you want to scratch your eardrums and eyeballs out on the nearest tree. And since the nearest tree is almost 2 blocks away, I guess I'll have to buy a Bear Scratch. Fuck.
And I can't wait to see the leather bears get down to the dance remix version of this at The Eagle.
via Media Bistro
Who knew that in between spreading freshly burnt liner around his eyes in the girls' bathroom with Rayanne and Angela, Rickie was working out his abs with a Thigh Master and bench pressing Jordan Catalano (which isn't that hard since Jordan is the size of a lasagna noodle) in the school gym? Damn. Here's Wilson Cruz flashing his nipples at Splash Bar in NYC last night. I so would, even if he still had hair like Webster's mom.
It's a slow week and the flu is fucking me not-so-gently and refusing to stop, so now seems like a good time to read what Dr. Drew has to say about what will happen when the holy duality of Brangelina breaks into a million pieces. For some reason, HuffPo asked Dr. Drew to give his opinion on everyone from Miley Cyrus ("She's in trouble") to Kelsey Grammer ("I can't make sense of it") and this is what he said about Brangie:
Just add up a couple things. There's no such thing as 'I was a heroin addict.' That doesn't exist in nature. Something is going on with [her] addiction. Or she's in recovery. And I don't see any evidence that's the case. So we've got one person who's a heroin addict. Which is a chronic lifelong condition, period. We have another person who has said things like, "Well, Jennifer [Aniston] was into long-term relationships, that's just her way of looking at things." I mean, that demeaning attitude towards other people's emotions. Now put those two people together and you have got a really volatile situation. And they're constantly creating things to weld themselves together. Which is only going to serve to make a more nuclear eruption. There will be some sort of meltdown that will be phenomenal when it does happen.
Dr. Drew's right. When Brangie breaks, so will the world. The Four Horsemen will be replaced by Jennifer Aniston's lonely vagina squirting FUCK YES juices for the first time in years and the swarm of locusts will be replaced by the blood and tears of rabid Brangeloonies who have nothing to live for anymore. But more importantly, can somebody please ask Dr. Drew if it's okay if I drink the used water in my Vicks Vapor Humidifier? With whiskey, of course.
Seen here flashing a scar she got on her head from trying to make a really deep thought that one time, Heidi Montag is still crying Botox tears of sadness to Life & Style about how having 20 plastic surgeries a year ago has left her body bruised and scarred like a Spider-Man cast member. Yeah, fuck those needy orphans who will be sad on Christmas morning because their stockings will be empty. Pour all your sympathy into Heidi's cup instead. And FYI: When trying to push out a tear for Heidi, the tension might cause you to push out a slightly wet fart instead. That'll work too.
Heidi cries to Life & Style that trying to turn herself into a Chrissy Crocker Real Doll has left her factory defected in every single way including: "a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job."
Heidi, whose very own Dr. Frankenstein died in a car crash, went on to say that every time she looks at her scars she's reminded of the mistake she made. And then she low-blowed her dead plastic surgeon with this: "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body."
And then she also low-blowed Edward Scissorhands when she said this: "I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands."
And yet she still has to have another surgery to get the talking pus-filled hemorrhoid known as Spencer Pratt removed from her ass. But I do love how it was only a year ago when she was queefing happiness over her new plastic body.....while collecting a check. And now she's repeatedly crying about how much she hates her new body.....while collecting a check. I wonder what Heidi's next trick will be? It's a shame that the plastic surgeon removed most of her internal organs and lady parts to give her a thinner waist, because how is she going to kick the Teen Moms off all the tabloid covers by declaring that she's knocked up?
Lindsay Lohan only has a few more weeks left of rehab at Betty Ford and I guess the bitch wants to go out with a bang. Specifically, a bang that feels a lot like a push. The night LiLo broke curfew by partying at a bar with her roommates, she got into some sort of physical altercation with one of Betty Ford's staffers. The employee knew that boozing was going on so she demanded that LiLo take a drug/alcohol test immediately. Instead of curtsying and saying "yes ma'm" like a good little rehabber should, bitch got bold and started a fight with the female staffer. The female staffer put her hands on Lilo, LiLo pushed back and BOOM! The police were called.
TMZ says that employee told the police that she wanted to press charges against LiLo for pushing her. The police are investigating the push and will slide it over to prosecutors who will decide whether or not they will pursue charges. Sources close to LiLo say that she's pulling the WOE IS ME card by saying that this particular staffer has always hated her and is happy to see her go down.
Michael Lohan tells Gossip Cop that his precious innocent child did get drug/booze tested that night and it came back negative.
Since LiLo is still on probation for DUI, Judge Fox could send her to the clink for 6-months for violating that shit by whoopin' on a trick.
LiLo is so close to graduating from rehab and she goes and pulls this shit? Does this bitch cut her coke with DUMB? If LiLo had the sweet nectar in her system and was trying to distract the staffer from testing her, this is not how you do it! You complain about having bad fish for dinner, run to the bathroom, barf out as much evidence as you can, shave your hair off, flush the hair down the toilet, give yourself a bladder enema and then inject your veins with baby's blood from an extra large vial you keep shoved up your asshole for occasions like this. Or you just tell the staffer that if they don't get out of your face you'll make them watch Just My Luck. That'll move them.
Meanwhile, White Oprah is down at the court house filing a lawsuit against Betty Ford for premeditated attempted murder and for ruining a buzz (that is illegal in the world of Lohan).