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After just two episodes, A&E has snuffed out The Hoff's reality show and is scratching that mess off its schedule. To put things into perspective, The Hoff has had relationships with hamburgers that have lasted longer than his show and that's saying a lot. Zap2It (via SOW) reports that A&E has yet to stamp the show with a giant CANCELED label but they won't be airing anymore episodes in the future.

The first episode of The Hoff's show brought in 718,000 viewers and only 505,000 watched the second. For a comparison, some show on A&E called Storage Wars lured in 2 million viewers in its debut episode. I have no idea what Storage Wars is but I'm picturing two old ladies with light purple hair fighting over the last utensil organizer at The Container Store. INTO MY TIVO!

In related news, Das Erste in Germany has announced that they will play The Hasselhoffs' 2 episodes on a loop, all day, every day until the end of days!

But seriously, The Hoff doesn't need stupid ass A&E! He has moved on to bigger and better things! Here he is posing with KITT outside of a theater in London where he's playing Captain Morgan Captain Hook in a musical spectacular that will break box office records (aka a panto production that only drunk children under the age of 8 will enjoy).

When you think of John Lennon you think of Celine Dion, obviously. So it only makes sense (it makes no sense) that Celine was on Lizard King Live last night to pay tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of his death. Since Celine will shrivel into dried cheese curds if she doesn't sing every hour on the hour, Larry kept her alive by asking her to blow out a few notes of "Imagine."

That shit was weird. It was almost like a Yoko Ono-produced performance art piece. John Lennon didn't know whether to roll in his grave or submit a transfer request into heaven's administration office to come back as a musical note dancing out of Celine's mouth.

Whatever, this clip proves that getting drunk with Celine would bring hours of endless entertainment. She's like a human jukebox! Ho knows every damn song. You could be like, "Celine, sing some Giggles," and she wouldn't waste a second before hollerin, "Tell him WHY girlfriend!" And since I brought up Giggles:

P.S. - According to the YouTube comments the trick in that Giggles video is an impostor! Only true icons have impostors!

Keith Richards has struck again! When mud monster Keef isn't striking fear into the hearts of Swedish journalists, or chasing American teenagers in their nightmares, he's murdering orchids! According to Page Six, Marie d'Origny, the deputy director of The New York Public Library, came running out of her office screaming BLOODY FUCKING MURDER when she found her small orchid dead! As the orchid lay there quivering on her desk, Marie put her ear up to its column as it weakly cooed out, "Keef did it." DAMN THAT KEEF!

Just days before Marie's orchid died a slow death, Keef was in her office waiting to go on stage for a live interview. Smoking is illegal in the library, but Keef can do whatever the hell he wants so he lit up a cig and dropped his ashes into the clay saucer underneath the orchid. The smoke choked out the orchid and it never recovered. And staring into the eye of the gargoyle Medusa didn't help either.

In Keith's defense, orchids are fragile as fragile can be. Someone gave me an orchid once and that bitch died within a day. It wasn't about to go out like Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. All parched and thirsty and shit. Nope, it knew its fate so it pulled its own plug early. Don't get me wrong, Keith could split a catcus by flinching at it too fast, but the orchid is still the Chace Crawford of plants.

TV Guide Canada published a quote they say came out of Ed O'Neill's mouth about how he feels his Modern Family TV wife Sofia Vergara should've won the Emmy instead of Jane Lynch for Glee. The quote went a little something like this: "I love Jane, honestly I do. I'm dying to star in one of Christopher Guest's movies alongside her, but I don't think she should have gotten the Emmy for that part. [Sue Sylvester] is just a one-note character."

When it got back to Jane Lynch's ears (or eyes), she responded with a simple: "Let it go, that's what we're doing." But it turns out, it didn't come out of Ed O'Neill's mouth like that. Either somebody was drunk (most likely) or a Sue Sylvester-hating force transcribed the interview, because TV Guide Canada issued a retraction and published the real quote:

“I’m one of Jane Lynch’s biggest fans. I love Jane Lynch. She is a genius. But at the same time I said ‘Sophia could win’ because … and I’ve only seen Glee a couple of … I’ve only seen Glee once. But I thought Jane’s role is rather one-dimensional. It’s kind of strident. It’s always kind of the same. I’ve seen her be much better. So I thought ‘Sofia’s funnier,’ and I think she is in these two comparative roles. Anyway, Jane won. But I was hoping that Sophia would."

And Ed tried to clear it up some more by saying these words to EW:

“Last week I spoke to a group of journalists and one quoted me supposedly saying of Jane Lynch, ‘I don’t think she should have gotten the Emmy for that part.’ I never said those words and transcripts of the press conference attest to that fact. Of course I root for my dear friends Sofia Vergara and Julie Bowen (and all of my colleagues on our show) at Emmy time, but I absolutely never said, nor do I believe that Jane — whom I think is an enormous talent — was undeserving of the award. I reached out to her yesterday to ensure she knew I’d been misquoted but I wanted to clear this up publicly as well.”

But Ed still said Jane's character was one-dimensional and that she's done better work... Okay, okay, I'll drop the ladle and stop stirring the pot filled with this non-story. We can go all go back to sitting on the couch with our hand in our safe place.

James Franco is really committed to looking like a 1970s porn star turned weekday matinee Chippendale's stripper - Lainey Gossip

Michael Lohan can start his new job by getting his girlfriend into face rehab - The Superficial

James Franco to bring Sal Mineo's life story to the big screen - Towleroad

Doesn't Denise Richards know that she isn't allowed to leave the house without reality TV treasure Irv Richards? - Hollywood Tuna

MiserAlba's got a big box (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Emma Stone Lohan as Gwen Stacy - Popoholic

Tony Parker thinks Eva Longoria passed her poon to Lance Armstrong - Celebitchy

Joe Jonas' ass crack says hello - OMG Blog!

What ass? - ICYDK

Carey Mulligan is not on her way to becoming the next Nicole Kidman in the face - Popsugar

Better than the real thing - The Berry

Why doesn't Cher politely take Xtina aside and smear those dreadful vampire brows off her face? - Just Jared

It's been 20 years since Thelma & Louise?!!! - Hollywood Rag

Ninja cats - Cityrag

A victory for blow jobs! - I'm Not Obsessed

FRANKIE BOYLE WILL ROT IN THE BOWELS OF HELL FOR THIS!!!! - Holy Moly!

This is kind of sad (and I'm not only talking about the child's weave) - Necole Bitchie

Right now at McKean Federal Correctional Institution in Lewis Run, PA, Miss Chi Chi Rodriguez and the blessed spirit of Vida Boheme are scaling the outside wall to free their sister Noxeema Jackson! People reports that after years of appeals and a last-minute stunt, Wesley Snipes has finally reported to a federal prison in Pennsylvania today to begin serving a 3-year sentence for tax evasion.

Back in 2008, a jury convicted Wesley of three misdemeanor counts of willful failure to file income taxes. Wesley kept appealing the conviction and made it known that he thought that government was out to get him for reasons beyond not filing his taxes. But time ran out and Wesley had no choice but to surrender to the man! On Larry King the other night, Wesley had this to say about spending the next 3 years in the chokey, "I think any man would be nervous. "Given the length of time that they are suggesting that I be away from my family, away from my profession, away from my ability to provide for my family and for those who have depended upon me to contribute to society ... I think anyone would be nervous about that."

On a positive note, at least we won't get another Blade movie for a while. And on another positive note, at least Randy and Evi Quaid have yet another example to throw into their STAR WHACKERS file. Don't worry, Miss Jackson, Randy and Evi will reveal the truth and set you free!

Oh, damn. At first this didn't really impress me since I used to work at Disneyland and was exposed to this on an hourly basis, but then dude went and picked up the fallen stars on the floor with the crank and roll. He colored me impressed with the flecks of pastel glitter sparking off of his heels.

This is how the cloud unicorns make rainbows!!! This is also what Clay Aiken means when he asks you if you want to fist.

via Videogum

Supposedly, Laura Dern had a look of mouth-opened SHOCK on her face when Ben Harper filed papers to be done with her ass a couple of months ago. At the time sources were saying that Laura knew they were having problems, but didn't think it was that serious especially since Ben was nibbling on her rambling rose just days before. Well, now Radar is saying that Ben has had a change of heart and he's trying to seal the cracks in his marriage with fuck glue.

Some source says that Lenny Kravitz Lite has been making visits to the marital home he used to share with Laura and there's a chance they might get back together full-time. Cut to the source: “It looks like they’re trying to work this out. Ben’s been coming to the house and showing signs he really wants to reconcile. Ben has even asked Laura to come to Paris, France to visit him while he was touring with ‘Fist Full Of Mercy’.”

I did not know Ben was in a band named after one of John Travolta's favorite weeknight activities. You learn something new... But if Ben and Laura work things out, good for them. Then they can take those divorce papers, run 'em through the shredder, throw that shit into a bowl of lukewarm water until it turns to mush, mold that mush mound into a phallic-shaped object, shellac it and then use it on each other's parts. Turn that object of a broken marriage into an object of LOVE!

Don't expect Lucifer's wish for a Palin/Gosselin 2012 ticket to come true, because Mama Grizzly can't wait for the day she gets to hunt, skin and grill Kate's old possum hair. Kate Gosselin and Sarah Palin forced bears to contemplate a year-long hibernation by camping together in Alaska for an episode of Mama Grizzly's show which airs this Sunday. If you haven't already hissed and thrown holy water at the preview, Mama Cunty whines about how this is the HARDEST THING SHE'S DONE IN HER LIFE while Mama Grizzly throws her a "Pfft. And they call me an annoying bitch" eye roll. UsWeekly says that the tension on camera was even worse off camera.

Some ho close to Kate said that she and Sarah had about as much chemistry as Jon Gosselin and a full-time job. While Kate's child army were happy doing camping shit, Kate's tongue continued to launch complaint after complaint about everything from how the food sucks to how the cold air was biting at her already frozen heart. The source went on to explain, "They didn't speak off camera. She said the food and accommodations were terrible, and it was the worst trip she'd ever been on. [Kate] had a meltdown and left the campground before sundown. She just couldn't cope."

Fuck Kate in her whine hole! Did she ever stop to think about the poor innocent wild animals she violated with her screeching bitch and moans? And the poor innocent wild trees that the poor innocent wild animals had to kick out of frustration? And the poor innocent wild hatchlings that fell out of the poor innocent wild trees when the poor innocent wild animals kicked their frustrations out? Stupid bitch!

And you know who else is a stupid bitch? The producer of this mess! They should've taken advantage of Kate and Sarah's hate for each other by staging a Mortal Kombat-like duel to the death. The wild animals and hatchlings would've gathered around them to scream "FINISH HER! FINISH HER!" It would've been a beautiful moment!

Here's Kate leaving a salon in NYC last night with $2000 on top of her head.

This week's Star Magazine cover story is about how miserable sadling Forever Aloneiston still wails out Brad Pitt's name when she clutches her pillow tightly in her giant California King bed for one. Apparently, Jennifer is putting all the blame on her friend Chelsea Handler for the story. If Chelsea never called Angelina Jolie a "homewrecking cunt bitch" during her show this past weekend, Jennifer's desperate face wouldn't have been on the cover of Star Magazine. WOE IS JEN. Jen's going to need a back transplant soon, because there won't be anymore places for her friends to stab her!!!!!!!

One of Popeater's sources say that Jennifer hasn't felt this betrayed since the time John Mayer dumped her ass via an impromptu press conference. This source went on to say, "Jen has gone out of her way to keep her private feelings about that woman who stole her husband private and has always asked her friends to do the same. She is furious with Chelsea for bringing the whole situation back to life again and landing her on the cover of a weekly magazine tomorrow with a Brad headline. She hates drama or unnecessary attention and certainly doesn't want to ever see her face on a tabloid again with a headline about Angie or Brad."

But not all is dead between Jennifer and Chelsea. Jennifer isn't going to stop sharing a 2-gallon tub of cookie dough ice cream with Chelsea, but hopes that she'll keep the homewrecking Angie jokes out of her act (even though she's been doing BMH [Before Maddox Hawk]).

Although, Jennifer might grab that tub back when she reads what Chelsea said about Angie to Katie Couric during an interview for Glamour (via UsWeekly):

"Yeah, I'm not a fan. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid."

But Jennifer will quickly give the tub back, because Chelsea went on to say this about the loneliest chin in the world:

"Jennifer Aniston makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."

Um. Chelsea, that e-mail Jennifer sent you with a picture of her dozens of cats dressed as the 12 Days of Christmas wasn't supposed to be funny.