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If Blanket Jackson cloned himself twice and started a Hanson tribute band, it would look just like this latest nugget of fuckery cooked up by Richard Heene (aka Balloon Boy's dad). Richard has a totally useless piece of shit product out called the Bear Scratch, which is literally just a piece of wood, and has forced his boys out onto the ho stroll to whore that mess out for him in a music video. The result will make you want to scratch your eardrums and eyeballs out on the nearest tree. And since the nearest tree is almost 2 blocks away, I guess I'll have to buy a Bear Scratch. Fuck.

And I can't wait to see the leather bears get down to the dance remix version of this at The Eagle.

via Media Bistro

Who knew that in between spreading freshly burnt liner around his eyes in the girls' bathroom with Rayanne and Angela, Rickie was working out his abs with a Thigh Master and bench pressing Jordan Catalano (which isn't that hard since Jordan is the size of a lasagna noodle) in the school gym? Damn. Here's Wilson Cruz flashing his nipples at Splash Bar in NYC last night. I so would, even if he still had hair like Webster's mom.

It's a slow week and the flu is fucking me not-so-gently and refusing to stop, so now seems like a good time to read what Dr. Drew has to say about what will happen when the holy duality of Brangelina breaks into a million pieces. For some reason, HuffPo asked Dr. Drew to give his opinion on everyone from Miley Cyrus ("She's in trouble") to Kelsey Grammer ("I can't make sense of it") and this is what he said about Brangie:

Just add up a couple things. There's no such thing as 'I was a heroin addict.' That doesn't exist in nature. Something is going on with [her] addiction. Or she's in recovery. And I don't see any evidence that's the case. So we've got one person who's a heroin addict. Which is a chronic lifelong condition, period. We have another person who has said things like, "Well, Jennifer [Aniston] was into long-term relationships, that's just her way of looking at things." I mean, that demeaning attitude towards other people's emotions. Now put those two people together and you have got a really volatile situation. And they're constantly creating things to weld themselves together. Which is only going to serve to make a more nuclear eruption. There will be some sort of meltdown that will be phenomenal when it does happen.

Dr. Drew's right. When Brangie breaks, so will the world. The Four Horsemen will be replaced by Jennifer Aniston's lonely vagina squirting FUCK YES juices for the first time in years and the swarm of locusts will be replaced by the blood and tears of rabid Brangeloonies who have nothing to live for anymore. But more importantly, can somebody please ask Dr. Drew if it's okay if I drink the used water in my Vicks Vapor Humidifier? With whiskey, of course.

Seen here flashing a scar she got on her head from trying to make a really deep thought that one time, Heidi Montag is still crying Botox tears of sadness to Life & Style about how having 20 plastic surgeries a year ago has left her body bruised and scarred like a Spider-Man cast member. Yeah, fuck those needy orphans who will be sad on Christmas morning because their stockings will be empty. Pour all your sympathy into Heidi's cup instead. And FYI: When trying to push out a tear for Heidi, the tension might cause you to push out a slightly wet fart instead. That'll work too.

Heidi cries to Life & Style that trying to turn herself into a Chrissy Crocker Real Doll has left her factory defected in every single way including: "a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job."

Heidi, whose very own Dr. Frankenstein died in a car crash, went on to say that every time she looks at her scars she's reminded of the mistake she made. And then she low-blowed her dead plastic surgeon with this: "People have fewer scars from car accidents than I have on my body."

And then she also low-blowed Edward Scissorhands when she said this: "I would love to not be 'plastic girl' or whatever they call me. Surgery ruined my career and my personal life and just brought a lot of negativity into my world. I wish I could jump into a time machine and take it all back. Instead, I'm always going to feel like Edward Scissorhands."

And yet she still has to have another surgery to get the talking pus-filled hemorrhoid known as Spencer Pratt removed from her ass. But I do love how it was only a year ago when she was queefing happiness over her new plastic body.....while collecting a check. And now she's repeatedly crying about how much she hates her new body.....while collecting a check. I wonder what Heidi's next trick will be? It's a shame that the plastic surgeon removed most of her internal organs and lady parts to give her a thinner waist, because how is she going to kick the Teen Moms off all the tabloid covers by declaring that she's knocked up?

Lindsay Lohan only has a few more weeks left of rehab at Betty Ford and I guess the bitch wants to go out with a bang. Specifically, a bang that feels a lot like a push. The night LiLo broke curfew by partying at a bar with her roommates, she got into some sort of physical altercation with one of Betty Ford's staffers. The employee knew that boozing was going on so she demanded that LiLo take a drug/alcohol test immediately. Instead of curtsying and saying "yes ma'm" like a good little rehabber should, bitch got bold and started a fight with the female staffer. The female staffer put her hands on Lilo, LiLo pushed back and BOOM! The police were called.

TMZ says that employee told the police that she wanted to press charges against LiLo for pushing her. The police are investigating the push and will slide it over to prosecutors who will decide whether or not they will pursue charges. Sources close to LiLo say that she's pulling the WOE IS ME card by saying that this particular staffer has always hated her and is happy to see her go down.

Michael Lohan tells Gossip Cop that his precious innocent child did get drug/booze tested that night and it came back negative.

Since LiLo is still on probation for DUI, Judge Fox could send her to the clink for 6-months for violating that shit by whoopin' on a trick.

LiLo is so close to graduating from rehab and she goes and pulls this shit? Does this bitch cut her coke with DUMB? If LiLo had the sweet nectar in her system and was trying to distract the staffer from testing her, this is not how you do it! You complain about having bad fish for dinner, run to the bathroom, barf out as much evidence as you can, shave your hair off, flush the hair down the toilet, give yourself a bladder enema and then inject your veins with baby's blood from an extra large vial you keep shoved up your asshole for occasions like this. Or you just tell the staffer that if they don't get out of your face you'll make them watch Just My Luck. That'll move them.

Meanwhile, White Oprah is down at the court house filing a lawsuit against Betty Ford for premeditated attempted murder and for ruining a buzz (that is illegal in the world of Lohan).

It looks like the opening night performance for Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark will now be held at Lenox Hill Hospital's physical therapy room. I mean, this $65 million mess is turning into Larry H. Parker's workers comp wet dream come true. In case you don't already know, the Julie Taymor-directed and U2-penned (Ugh, I know) Broadway musical has delayed its opening a couple of times due to creative changes and has claimed 3 performer injuries. Well, add another one to the list, because the show was cut short last night after stunt actor Christopher Tierney (who does the flying stunts for the Spider-Man character) fell from a platform into the pit when the rope holding him snapped. Okay, when even the ropes are pulling some "I QUIT THIS BITCH" shit, it's time to shut it down and leave that flying crap to the Cirque du Soleil people.

The New York Times says that towards the very very end of the show, Mary Jane falls into the pit and Spider-Man is supposed to jump down to save her. But instead of the two rising triumphantly from the pit, Mary Jane screamed and started crying like the critics will be on opening night. The house lights immediately went up and everyone was told to go home. 911 was called and Christopher was taken to Bellevue Hospital Center by ambulance. Christopher gave the thumbs up as he was shuffled into the ambulance, and apparently he suffered minor injuries and will be released soon. Clip of Christopher free falling to pain below (courtesy of TMZ):

This Faces of Death shit hasn't even opened yet and people are already bleeding for it. It's not right when the cast members are updating their wills, taking out bigger life insurance policies, calling their loved ones before every show to say "I love you..." and making the sign of the cross over their faces when they sashay out on stage. Don't ever say "break a leg" to a Spider-Man cast member, because it will probably happen.

On a positive note, if Julie Taymor's main goal is to lure Nascar fans to Broadway, it's working.

Well, technically it's a gently used kidney, but it's new to his body so it works. Entertainment Weekly says that Tracy Morgan will be out of at least 2 episodes of 30 Rock next year because he's recovering from a kidney transplant. Tracy, who suffers from diabetes, got a new kidney installed on December 10th. If the nurse taking my blood misses the vein, I have to call up some kind of trauma hotline to talk the pain out, so if I had a kidney transplant I'd be hugging my Pillow Person in the fetal position for weeks. But Tracy Morgan is built from stronger parts, because he's already out doing shit. Tracy was at the Knicks game on Friday night. Tracy's rep had this to say about the whole thing:

“Tracy is doing well and taking some much needed time to recover after the surgery. He is looking forward to going back to work after the holidays.”

The writers of 30 Rock will explain Tracy's absence by saying that he had some sort of breakdown.

Get better, Tracy! Try the sugar-free Jello and all that. Oh, and congratulations to the medical team who operated on Tracy. Unless they soaked in Spermacide, downed a birth control shake and slipped a NuvaRing on every one of their fingers before the surgery, they're now pregnant with Tracy's babies.

I'm sorry Mr. Aiken, but I'm not required to lick it. - Vern

Runners-up:

Southwest changes their slogan after one too many people take advantage of their "Bags Fly Free" generosity. - ISprainedMyUvula

The next day, in therapy:
"Show me on the doll where the TSA touched you..." - lifeislikecake

via FunPic

The male jewel beetles of Australia who are so hard up that they've been caught humping on beer bottles together. Yup, an all-dude orgy fueled by beer. Male jewel beetles are just like us! But at least they don't have to go to the emergency room and use the "I accidentally sat on it" excuse when the beer bottles get stuck.

Researchers say that there's a lot of lonely beetle snatch in Australia, because the males waddle by the females and head directly to the beer bottles. They think the dude beetles get boners for the sun-glistened bumps on the bottom of the bottle and mistake that shit for a female. Researchers are concerned, because if the jewel beetles continue to fuck on beer bottles instead of females, it could cause problems for other species. Well, maybe once researchers find a cure for that shit they can share it with the world. I'm sure there's a lot of females with frustrated vaginas out there, because their dudes would rather suck on a beer bottle with his friends than hump on them.

Source: News.com.au via Fark

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