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Chelsea Handler probably woke up on Monday morning with a severed Cabbage Patch Doll head ("WHYYYYY GOD WHY?!" - Jennifer Aniston) in her bed, but she doesn't understand why she doesn't wake up with a severed Cabbage Patch Doll head in her bed every morning. Because Chelsea said on her show last night that she's been throwing stank on St. Angie Jo ever since the saint's tongue blessed James Haven's tonsils a million years ago (and his eyeballs haven't recovered since).

Chelsea didn't blurt it out, but I think that was her way of saying that calling Angie Jo a "homewrecking cunt bitch" (in so many words) during her show in NJ over the weekend had nothing to do with her best friend forever Jennifer Aniston. No, they weren't toasting to that "homewrecking cunt bitch" before doing a Thanksgiving shot off of the shaved belly of Jennifer's cat. Here's the video of Chelsea breaking it down for us:

In case you don't feel like playing play on that shit, Chelsea basically said: "I'm been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother.... If I've learned nothing from this, it's to write some new jokes."

All Chelsea has to do is switch out the names. From now on, she should just call Brad Pitt a homewrecking cunt bitch. It freshens up the joke a tiny bit, it keeps the beautiful word "cunt" in place and Chelsea will still get amazingly hilarious e-mails of CAPS-LOCKED hate from the most devoted Brangeloonies (who are locked up in mental facilities with WiFi). You don't ever want to lose that privilege.

Tommy's Christmas wish comes true, "ass on tap" - Tex-Bro

Runners-up:

Madonna's new gym doesn't fuck around. - Rose Lizenberg

This early 1930's blackmail photo led to Scientology's first surge among macho, macho men. - dfanintheD

Let's see....Drinking a barrel full of cum filled by cop #1, whom's ass is getting fucked by cop #2, all the while trying to balance love life and public image.

Yep...that's a George Michael wet dream alright.... - The Hoople

via PIU (Thanks Benjamin)

By popular demand, here's superhandmodel Ellen Sirot demonstrating why she's at the top of her game. This is a couple of years old, but the high potent CRAZINESS is timeless. This is probably why George Costanza decided to get out of the business. DAMN!

Most of us love our hands in a for real way, because without them it would be pretty difficult to do all of life's greatest necessities like light a bong, rub our genitals, slap a trick in the face when they do us wrong, and pet kittens, but Ellen is obsessed with her hands in a Boxing Helena kind of way. Ellen probably sleeps with her hands in little boxes so they don't crawl away from her in the middle of the night. Look at her caress them as though they aren't even part of her body:

I do understand why Ellen is stalking her own hands. Her hands put food on the table. Or should I say, her hands put moisturizer on the table that she uses to slather them with as her eyes widen at their bare naked BEAUTY!

I bet Ellen dresses her hands up like a bride and groom, and then stages a little hand wedding for them before their consummate their love in a tub filled with cocoa butter and rose petals. The Crazy Hand Lady is the new Crazy Cat Lady.

And at the end of the clip, I was surprised that "Written & Directed by Todd Solondz, Starring Jane Adams" didn't pop up on the screen.

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

Nicholas Hoult (21)
Jasmine Villegas (17)
Emily Browning (22)
Aaron Carter (23)
Angel Carter (23)
Jennifer Carpenter (31)
Sara Bareilles (31)
Shiri Appleby (32)
Nicole Appleton (36)
Terrell Owens (37)
Damien Rice (37)
C. Thomas Howell (44)
Jeffrey Wright (45)
Larry Bird (54)
Priscilla Barnes (55)
Tom Waits (61)
Ellen Burstyn (78)
Eli Wallach (95)

(Image via Flickr)

St. Angie Jo was so focused on dropping a thank you note (written with slow loris venom and pressed paper made of SARS) to Chelsea Handler into the post office box that she completely failed to the notice the adoring fan trying to get a picture of her to see if vampires show up in photographs or not. But I noticed her ass. BOOM!

But seriously, I'm sure the fan just wanted to get a picture of the front of Angie's Snuggle Bear slit dress. A dress that will later be used to warm a dozen orphans on the verge of hypothermia.

Here's more Angie Jo, Almost Billy Goat Brad (thumbnail #7 is my new wallpaper for everything) and Johnny Depp at the NYC premiere of The Tourist tonight. Even though Johnny insists on dressing like Diane Keaton at a Bonnie & Clyde costume party, I forever would.

If you ever need to bail your piece out of a jail in Tacoma, Washington, you can drop into Bad Boy Bail Bonds and then freshen up your beauty next door at the most EXCLUSIVE salon on Pacific Avenue and beyond! I throw myself at the feet of Dlisted reader Shan for sending in this perfect picture of the Excuse My Beauty salon named after the internet's forever reigning beauty queen Stephen!

The Excuse My Beauty salon is the only place where you can paint a pair of heat-proof exquisite brows on your friend's face (while she does yours) and the only place where you can gets a tans on your legs (but not your face). When the beauty experts at EMB are done with you, every police officer in a 5-mile radius will be crashing into each other to put you into handcuffs. You'll look so gorgeous that cops will assume you're selling it to the highest bidder. The kind of beauty tricks will sell their children's organs on the black market for! Beauty that should be illegal! I never thought I'd type this out loud, but I'm doing it tonight: WHY DON'T I LIVE IN TACOOOMA?!!!!

Let's relive the ravishing magic of Stephen all over again like it's the first time.

Seriously, why hasn't this been inducted into the HALL OF EVERYTHING yet?!

Thanks to Kathy Griffin, I now have the image of Sarah Palin sitting her ass in a pleather rocker and taking drags from a cigarette in between yelling at Bristol for not plucking all the hairs out of the pig's feet. And Bristol, how in the fuck is Sarah supposed to eat pig's feet without no collard greens? Actually, it would be moose feet and boiled pine cones. But I digress.

Kathy Griffin went and did it! Bitch forced the troops to attack her ear holes with a whole lot of BITCH BOOM BYEs at the Vh1 Divas Salute the Troops concert on Friday night (that shit aired last night). Kathy brought up Dancing with the Stars and then joked that Bristol is the only contestant who got fatter as the weeks went by.

Kathy put it like this: "She's the only contestant in the history of the show to actually gain weight. No, come on, come on. She gained like 30 pounds a week, I swear to God, it was fantastic. She's like the white Precious."

Either the troops fap for Bristol and they didn't appreciate Kathy calling her ass fat. Or the troops fap for Precious and they didn't appreciate Kathy comparing her to Bristol. Either way they poured boo after boo onto Kathy.

As soon as Bristol finished cleaning up the broken pieces of the analog TV her mom dropped into the stairwell from above, she burped out this response to Pop Tarts: “The audience's reaction to this ‘comedian’ spoke volumes, and the decent people I know would probably have booed her, too. I hope people didn't have to pay money to hear her negativity and criticisms when you can watch my mom do that shit for free!”

You know, I'm disappointed with Tripp who obviously wrote this Bristol! In the last statement she released, she name dropped both KD Lang and the Indigo Girls! But yet she didn't pull out one famous name from the 90s for Kathy. Couldn't she have dropped Paula Poundstone's name, or even Rita Rudner? Someone. And Bristol also forgot to use the word "canard" again. We're going to need a refund.

via HuffPo

The overcrowded playground that is Twitter is now filled with a dozen fame whoring zombies furiously feeding on the "OMGZ I MISSED U" comments left by their followers, because they have been released from their digital coffins! The Keep a Child Alive's "Buy Life" campaign has magically reached their goal of $1,000,000 after five and a half days. Detective La Toya just whipped out her monocle, because just this morning they were only at the $300,000 mark.

Did Usher erase his guilt from cheating over the weekend by cutting a check? Did Pimp Mama Kris pass Alicia a $700,000 money order after Kim Kardassian busted into a seizure from not being able to share every second of her life with her 5 million followers?! Did the fact that they changed the minimum donation amount from $10 to $1 have a major effect on that shit? Who knows. But now we'll go back to knowing what Kim stuffed her mouth hole with for lunch and what kind of condiment Khloe Kardashian is rubbing on her sascrotch to make it pop. All is NOT well in the Twitterverse again!

UPDATE: TMZ says that a pharmaceutical mogul named Stewart Rahr breathed life back into Alicia Keys (and others) by donating $500,000.

Roger Rabbit wants to play patty cake with this - The Superficial

Jakey Gyllenhaal "blows you away in person." Tommy Girl just dropped his pants and got on the next private jet to Australia - Lainey Gossip

I don't know who Naike Rivelli, but she's obviously an expert at bringing the elegance while spreading the glitter (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Where the hell is a herd of vengeful caribou when you really need them? - Towleroad

Joslyn James needs to sit her skanky Peter Pan ass down - Hollywood Tuna

Kate Bosworth's FACE is melting- Just Jared

Eva Mendes' FACE is...see above - Hollywood Rag

Jessica Simpson follows the "I pay, I pick" rule - Celebitchy

Elizabeth Hurley's tits have been forced to hold their breaths again - Popoholic

Emily Blunt in Harper's Bazaar UK - The Berry

Gozer the Gozerian is looking hot - Go Fug Yourself

Pec the Halls - OMG Blog

There better be a pair of Jimmy Choo stilettos for Suri in that bag - Popsugar

Kelsey Grammer is engaged to the simpleton he dropped the gorgeous silicone orchid for - ICYDK

Bloatesque - SOW

Reese Witherspoon was charmed by the keeper of the magical forest - I'm Not Obsessed

Katy Perry as a slutty snowman - Moe Jackson

MiserAlba owns Cosmo's soul, or vice versa - Cityrag

The picture above from Awful Plastic Surgery insinuates that maybe St. Angie Jo had her nose pinched, chopped, rotated and screwed once upon a time. I'm sure Michelangelo sculpted it himself! But Angie Jo says this isn't true and swears to HERSELF that she's completely organic and 100% natural. Angie was molded from a mound of melted unicorn horns and the wings of fallen angels, and not from a mound of silicone. That's her story anyway.

Angie recently talked to the Daily Mail about Joan Collins, Shiloh and plastic surgery. Here's a few pieces from the interview.

Angie on being a natural beauty: "I haven’t had anything done and I don’t think I will. But if it makes somebody happy then that’s up to them. I’m not in somebody else’s skin to know what makes them feel better about themselves. But I don’t plan to do it myself."

Angie on Johnny Depp: "It turns out we are both a bit reclusive. That’s why our paths had never crossed – neither of us attends many parties or goes out very much. Neither of us seems to take ourselves too seriously. And maybe there’s something about being in a place in your life where your family is so central to you that you have a good perspective on it all."

Angie on Shiloh being a tom boy: "I don’t think it’s for the world to interpret anything. She likes to dress like a boy and wants her hair cut like a boy and she wanted to be called 'John' for a while. Some kids wear capes and want to be Superman and she wants to be like her brothers. It’s who she is. It’s been a surprise to us and it’s really interesting, but she’s so much more than that – she’s funny and sweet and pretty. But she does love a tie…"

Angie on Joan Collins calling her one of the only beautiful actresses in Hollywood: "Really? That is so sweet and so flattering. It means that much more coming from her, because she is just so gorgeous and cool and has been for ever."

Angie on if she's ever been asked to run for public office: "Not directly, no. And with my life, well, I’m not sure that I would be taken seriously and get stuff done."

But back to the plastic surgery shit. Angie's nose does sort of look like it's been stretched and prodded, but maybe that has to do with her losing weight throughout the years. You know what they say, "When you lose chunk, the first thing to go is pieces of cartilage in your nose."

And here's a few pictures of Angie having a Chico's Kind of Day for the Daily Mail.