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Yes, I know I'm following a major WHO THE DICK CARES story with another WHO THE DICK CARES story, but the celebwhores you sort of kind (but not really) care about are clenching their wombs and hiding their engagement rings until after the holidays so that they can have your undivided (but not really) attention then. So this is the news we have to deal with today. It might go down easier than a blended fruit cake with a splash of rum.

People brings us the news that Constantine Maroulis' girlfriend Angel Reed birthed out a 6lb baby girl late last night. A baby girl that probably slid right out if she inherited her father's ability to naturally seep out grease from his pores. Connie and Angel gave her the name Malena James and he had this to say about becoming father for the first time:

"Sometimes Christmas comes early and we're so lucky to get the greatest gift a few days early. Angel and I are thrilled to welcome our perfect baby girl into the world today. Mom and baby are healthy and I couldn't be more excited to ring in 2011 this way."

Yes, a true Christmas gift! And a gift for Baby Malena who gets to see this punchable face every single day.

Well, now we know who's going to be female heavyweight champion of the world in 2030.

Cisco Adler, who is solely famous for Slinky Nuts™, has found somebody out there who actually wants to marry him. Another Christmas miracle! UsWeekly says that Mischa Barton's ex-fuck time partner is going to marry his model girlfriend and chin twin Barbara Stoyanoff. A source says they are happy BLAH BLAH BLAH and are going to get married sometime this February.

I know there's not a care in your being that is interested in wrapping around anything Cisco Adler-related, but I covered this non-story just so we could gaze at his (NSFW) low-hanging crotch cocoons again. Congrats to Cisco! He finally found a woman who doesn't mind when his nuts hit her in the chin while he hits it from the back. And a woman who doesn't mind that he has to stand on a 10-feet latter to tea bag her.

Just a couple of days ago, Dawn Holland was waving her good fist into the air and vowing REVENGE against Lindsay Lohan for allegedly calling her a "cunt bitch" before spraining her arm by yanking a phone out of her hand. Betty Ford quickly dropped a WE QUIT YOU, BITCH on Dawn for talking to the media about LiLo's situation, etc... At the time, Dawn was all about pressing charges against LiLo. If convicted, LiLo could've faced 6-months in the chokey for violating her probation. Well, the Lohans can breathe a little easier into their bongs this morning, because Dawn has completely flipped to the other side and is not interested in pursuing charges. TMZ says that Dawn has refused to work with authorities and even told them to drop the case and move on to more important things. Hmmm.... And a hmmmm...

Dawn's lawyer said that she won't testify against LiLo and "will not continue to press charges against Lindsay, nor will she be assisting any further in the investigation or prosecution." Her lawyer went on to say that no crime has been committed and as a recovering addict herself, Dawn does not "in any way shape or form to do anything that would violated Lindsay's probation or cause an arrest."

Sorry, Lohan kids! Try not to look too disappointed in the face tomorrow morning when you open up your Christmas gifts and find out that White Oprah got you an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, a half-smoked pack of Reds, 3/4ths of an Adderall, matchbooks from various Long Island bars, a picture of your mother with some random guy in a thong, a full roll of toilet paper stolen from a room at Howard Johnson and whatever the hell else she found at the bottom of her purse. White Oprah had to spend your Christmas gift money on hushing up that Dawn Holland trick. Hey, at least she wrapped that shit!

The wind is a little lonelier and sadder today now that it will no longer get a slight caress from Zac Efron's golden locks every time he has a "salon glooooow" moment by gently whipping his hair. Zac took his hair from "Twinkie with a body wave" to BUTCH BITCH for his new movie called The Lucky One, which is currently shooting New Orleans. One of Zac's fans was able to catch him beauty ready on the set and so he agreed to pose for a picture. And don't worry, as soon as a pair of scissors cut off his magical bangs, angels swept down from heaven, gathered it in their hands and donated it to foreheads in need. You can't let bangs like that go to waste.

And here's Zac with a six-incher (or maybe it's six-and-a-half) in Los Angeles the other day. Oh, and he was holding a sandwich too.

Buzz's girlfriend from Home Alone! Because we're all Buzz's girlfriend at one point in our lives. We're all just a face in a frame bought on layaway from Marshall Field's that somebody WOOFS at from time to time. But I don't know what the hell Kevin is woofin' at since he looks like a malnourished apple head chihuahua who got the smallest spot in the womb. That's actually a good look now that I think about it. Anyway, here's Buzz's girlfriend (Fun fact: Buzz's girlfriend is actually a little dude in drag):

Happy Merry Christmas Eve Day, everyone! Don't forget to woof at your best friend's girlfriend and/or boyfriend today!

Ryan Seacrest (36)
Robert Schwartzman (28)
Michael Raymond-James (33)
Mekhi Phifer (36)
Stephenie Meyer (37)
Ricky Martin (39)
Mark Valley (46)
Kate Spade (48)
Lee Daniels (51)
Anil Kapoor (51)
Mary Higgins Clark (83)

THE GIFT OF DIVORCE! It was just over a week ago that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo got peens wagging and chochas chirping at the thought of them back on the market when they announced that they're splitting up....and now he's making it official. People says that Ryan filed for divorce this afternoon in Los Angeles. If you're hoping that Ryan and ScarJo's divorce will get so filthy dirty that they'll eventually wrestle naked in a kiddie pool of oil in the middle of a court room, you better pull your pants back up. That's not going to happen. ScarJo filed her divorce response at the same time, which means they are probably going to play nice. No greasy ScarJo and RyRey nipples for now.

Ryan and ScarJo didn't get a prenup, but neither is seeking any kind of spousal support. They both list December 14th as the day they decided to take their genitals elsewhere for good.

There's a million rumors going around as to why their marriage flopped on the sand before dying. Some say that ScarJo treated Ryan like an unwanted dingle, and others say that one of them cheated. But People says that they barely were around each other due to their careers and decided that calling it a day was better than trying to work that shit out.

Well, fuck us all! Two celebrities not chewing each other's eye balls out during a divorce battle? Something in the eggnog ain't clean (Ed. note: I don't anything in eggnog is clean). Maybe Ryan wants to get that shit over with so he can go back to doing ab crunches. Or maybe it's just a Christmas miracle! A sad Christmas miracle, but still a Christmas miracle.

(Image via Fame Pictures)

Fame can be a burden as well as a blessing. This is the case with Blue Boy, a multi-hyphenate who is definitely feeling the pressure of leading a double life. His actress girlfriend is a public relations setup and is purely for show. The two of them don’t even like each other. He smiles for the camera, but he is actually so distressed with the direction his career and his life are taking that he is now drinking heavily every day. Blue Boy’s friends and family are very, very worried about him, but having so many people depend on his wholesome image makes it difficult for him to take a step back and ask for help. It’s about time he did, though. If he doesn’t, he’ll wind up in the same place as someone who was once linked to him. (Blind Gossip)

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene? But I'm more "clutching my anal beads" shocked to find out that the forever pristine and pure Jonas Bros. can actually drink SINFUL alcohol without turning inside/out before combusting. You know, like when a Gremlin is exposed to Evian.

Another small, but nice kindness. As I said in the photos, it has been raining for what seems like forever in Los Angeles, but has only been this week. Yesterday was probably the worst it has been. Anyway, this C- list actress who is on one of the biggest network television shows of all time (although she was a latecomer to the series)was driving home yesterday in this monsoon when she saw a car that was on the side of the road. A woman was standing outside looking under her hood in the rain and our actress decided to stop and see if she could help. Well, it turns out the woman was standing there and had three of her kids in the car, including one in a car seat. The woman did not have a cell phone. Our actress called a tow truck driver for the car, and then gave the entire family a ride home all the way on the other side of LA. In the rain. Our actress even gave the obviously struggling woman a few hundred dollars to help pay for the tow and the repairs. (CDAN)

Biggest network TV show of all time that is still on the air? Err. Possibly Glee and possibly Dot Marie Jones, but I don't think she'd call a tow truck or drive that family across the city. She'd simply stick a few $100 bills into their mouths and gently launch them back home safely with one swoop. Maybe Lauren Lee Smith from CSI? That's all I've got.

The Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir already makes spark of magic with his blades when he twirls around the ice like a delicate unicorn chasing a bubble, and now he's hoping to spread a thin layer of glitter over your ear drums with his singing voice... Now, I don't think that's glitter over my ear drums, but there's definitely a thin layer of something in my ears after listening to his first single called "Dirty Love." This mess sort of sounds like some random 80s song as covered by Disneyland's Tomorrow Land Band on a Saturday afternoon, so I'm not sure what to make of it. I'll just leave it here for you to judge:

And instead I'm going to focus on that cover of Johnny looking like a model in Project Runway's Clan of the Cave Bear challenge.

Miley Cyrus has used the body of Kelly Osbourne to clone herself. And so it begins.... - Popoholic

Keira Knightley's Facebook relationship status might be switched to "It's complicated" - Lainey Gossip

The new racy Miley Cyrus pictures aren't that racy - The Superficial

Satan's b-hole must be all kinds of frostbitten, because Pat Robertson just said something very un-PatRobertson-like - Towleroad

This Christmas, Parasite Hilton's crotch crustaceans will be sunning themselves on the beaches of Hawaii - Hollywood Tuna

Sooookeh jogs the dog (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Should've been the duck phone - Celebitchy

Richard Gere's greatest enemy - The Berry

I guess Prancer got a video camera and internet access for Christmas - OMG Blog

This is a step up from what's usually on Pink's head - Popsugar

Dude should join the cast of Spider-Man - NYC Barstool Sports

Michelle Williams publicly talks about Heath Ledger's death for the first time - Just Jared

Why does Kelsey Grammer keep doing this to the exquisite silicone flower of mad delusional? - ICYDK

I guess chupacabras don't suffer from pregnant swole feet - I'm Not Obsessed

Aunt Becky is looking good - Hollywood Rag

This will be me all weekend long. Correction: This is always me - Cityrag

Willow Smith may not know maths, but she definitely knows how to pose with a tinsel Christmas tree (or whatever she's holding) - Necole Bitchie

Chloe Sevigny just described half of the celebwhores out there - Holy Moly!