LiLo is not kissing on Roberto Cavalli because she loves the feel of charbroiled flesh against her collage-stuffed worm lips. LiLo is trying to distract Roberto while her hand snatches his wallet. And since sticky fingers (in more ways than one) LiLo is such a pro, bitch also managed to get her hands between Roberto's ass crack and pull a diamond stud off of his ass lips without him noticing. Who ever said the ho doesn't have talents?
But seriously now, LiLo should pose next to Roberto more often, because his sun-dried tomato complexion makes her skin look somewhat clean. Usually, I have take several moist towelettes to my monitor after going through pictures of LiLo. And I only had to do that once (see the last picture) this time!
Here's more of the hardest working non-worker in the business partying it up with Robert Cavalli in Milan over the weekend.
Whitney Houston rolled into Sydney Airport this morning looking like the crazy lady in your neighborhood who hacks at her front yard weeds with a kitchen knife at 12 in the morning, and threatens to shoot you with a BB gun if you try to pet one of her 80 cats. DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!
There's no need to get on the phone with Dr. Drew just yet. Whitney looks raggedy rough, because she spent the entire night looking for her hairline and she still hasn't found it.
Either that, or one of her infamous doody bubbles is being stubborn and refuses to pop! Where's Bobby B's finger when you need it?
Jennifer Love Hewitt recently told George Lopez of all people about how she regularly vagazzles her chocha and recommends that every woman join her. Well, Bryce Gruber from the Luxury Spot got vajazzled at a salon in NYC to see what the hell that moron JLove is raving about.
I learned a few things while watching this enlightening video. First of all, they shouldn't call it vagazzling, because the crystals don't actually touch your puss. They should call it fupazzling.
Second of all, getting fupazzled really limits all the sexual positions you can do with your fuck time partner. Well, unless your fuck partner gets off on getting scratched the hell up by sharp objects.
Third of all, the fupazzling makers should really market this towards crazed Twitards, because this looks like a syphilis rash you would get from Edward Cullen.
Fourth of all, the "look 4 less" version of this can be achieved using an old stencil, a can of silver spray paint and a handful of craft glitter.
Zhora, the alcoholic Russian chimp who has been forced into rehab by his people.
Unfortunately for us, Zhora is one of those shy drunks, so there's no pictures of him in action. Instead I had to use this picture of some chimp sucking on a water bottle in Shanghai. Just pretend that this Chinese chimp is Russian, and that the bottle of water is vodka. If that doesn't work for you, just go to Google Images and type in "Mel Gibson." That will give you hundreds of pictures of a drunk chimp.
Reuters reports that Zhora originally worked as a circus performer, but was sent to live in a zoo in Rostov after he got a little too aggressive. While at the zoo, Zhora discovered life's four greatest pleasures: Sharpies, fucking, boozing and smoking! Yes, Zhora is totally your chimp.
When Zhora wasn't drawing pictures with a Sharpie (aka sniffing that shit behind the cave) or wet humping on lady chimps, he was begging tourists for booze and cigarettes. Since you can't deny a drunk chimp (ask Denise Richards), the tourists regularly gave Zhora what he wanted.
After Zhora got his 6th DUI, was caught with a dead hooker in his trunk and developed a major addiction to smoking banana skins, his handlers sent him off to rehab.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to buy a chimp suit and a ticket to Russia. I mean, a never-ending supply of Sharpies, free booze and cigarettes? We're all in the wrong business.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
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Jim Carrey's daughter Jane gave birth to a baby friend of the male variety in Los Angeles last night. This is Jane's first kid with her musician husband Alex Santana (no relation to Carlos, I tink). People has the details:
Jane and husband Alex Santana welcomed their first child, son Jackson Riley Santana, at 12:28 a.m. Friday in Los Angeles, PEOPLE confirms. He weighed in at 7 lbs., 11 oz, and measured 20 inches long.
Granpappy Jim also Tweeted the first picture of his grandchild, and Jackson sure does look like a newborn baby.
To anybody who saw Ace Ventura in the theaters, the news of Jim Carrey becoming a grandfather will probably make you feel old. AND YOU ARE! Your sciatica doesn't hurt because you went a little overboard at that anal sex key party last night. It's because YOU ARE OLD! You didn't fall asleep 5-minutes into Law & Order the other night, because the new kind of weed you're trying out gives you the sleepies. It's because YOU ARE OLD!
Yes, we'll all be checking into retirement communities soon. Actually, that's not such a bad idea, because those old geezers really know how to party. It's just like college, but with more prescription meds. And you don't have to worry about your one-night stand getting all clingy afterwards. There's a 100% chance that your one-night stand at the retirement community won't even remember who are you in the morning. See you there!
Marie Osmond's 18-year-old son Michael Biosil committed suicide in Los Angeles last night by jumping from his downtown apartment building. Donny Osmond confirmed the sad news to Entertainment Tonight (of course). Donny released this short statement to them:
"My family and I are devastated and in deep shock by the tragic loss of our dear Michael and ask that everyone respect our privacy during this difficult time."
Michael left a note behind explaining to his family that he just couldn't deal with his life-long battle with depression, anymore and felt like he was completely alone and didn't fit in. Damn, that's bringing the sads.
Could today's news get anymore awful with the earthquake in Chile, the tsunami warning in Hawaii and now this. Let's just all get in a room and surround ourselves with Marie's dolls. Like this.
Rest in peace, Michael.
Brit Brit's weave mites were getting into the bags of grits, so Daddy Spears sent her off to the salon to get that shit fumigated.
Last night, Brit Brit showed up to the Nine Zero One salon for the works! The staff puts on their hazard suits, flea dipped Brit, tamed her weave with a garden hoe and a peroxide prayer, rolled her in Cheeto dust and brought Maaco in to do her face. VOILA!
Brit Brit went in looking like a beautiful and rare Louisiana trailer park dandelion that tastes like 4-day-old Frapp crust and causes you to hallucinate about Christmas when you chew on it. And Brit came out looking like something Hulk Hogan would love to massage while wearing a yellow speedo. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Brit looked better before.
But I shouldn't worry, she'll be back to looking like her old stunning self when she rolls off the futon tomorrow morning. Yay!
Jackee Harry is making a second appearance as Hot Slut of the Day to celebrate 227 Day! Today is the day you stick your head out of the window to talk trash with your neighbors on the stoop about the building's resident slut (which is probably you). Or you can do like I'm going to do: slip on an outfit so tight that it makes your arteries pop and get yourself a MAN! ANY MAN!
Below is a clip from 227 of Sandra, one of my childhood heroes, proving that she's always got dick on the brain:
Happy 227 Day!
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