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Everybody, gently place the words "fuck off" on the tip of your tongue, because it will launch out of your mouth as soon as you read the next sentence. Get it ready. Katie Price married her cross-dressing, cage-fighter boyfriend Alex Reid in Las Vegas this afternoon. AND RELEASE!

The Princess Diana and Prince Charles of this generation kicked the dead horse that is marriage at a chapel at the Wynn Resort. Katie's publicist and a handful of TV cameras witnessed the blessed event. Katie's spokesbitch immediately issued this statement after the ten-second wedding.

"Katie and Alex are delighted to announce they got married in a private, simple ceremony. Their decision to marry has not been made with any media deal in place. It is purely down to their love for each other."

HA! I love how her publicist has to point out that this is not a publicity stunt in anyway shape or form. Uh huh. I'm sure Katie wore a dress made out of Balloon Boy's runaway balloon, and Alex wore a tuxedo made out of Tila Tequila's fixed pregnancy tests. They toasted to their new union with flutes filled with OctoMom's amniotic fluid. The twinkle in Katie's eye was actually a shiny, gold dollar sign.

You'll see it for yourself when these two fermented blood oranges are on the cover of OK! Magazine next week. But the cover won't be the same without Harvey Price on it, flipping us the bird. Sigh. Katie kept us from seeing Harvey in a white tuxedo. THAT (selfish) BITCH!

Here they are shopping for rings before their wedding. The look on the woman's face in the first thumbnail says it all. I too puckered tighter than Roxanne's tuck when I first read this mess.

Yesterday in Los Angeles, everyone from Celine Dion to Sad Clown Baby to Gay Fish to Vince Vaughn (insert a million question marks here) to Barbara Streisand gathered at Jim Henson Studios to record the 25th anniversary of "We Are The World." As far as I know, the roof of the Jim Henson Studios is still intact. This is kind of surprising since you'd think all those egos in one room would've blown that roof right off.

"We Are The World: The Remake" premiere at the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics on February 12th. Proceeds will go to Haitian relief. Kanye West will also release "I AM THE WORLD" a day later.

When Quincy Jones first announced this mess, he said Lady CaCa, Taylor Swift, Justin Timberlake and Beyonce would all be a part of it. None of them showed up. But who needs those has-beens when you have the vocal powerhouse that is VINCE VAUGHN! When he sings extra loud, his long nose hairs back him up by whistling. Vince is his own quartet!

Click here to see the full list of performers.

And since Simon Cowell will not be outdone by the likes of Quincy Jones, he has released his own charity single for Haiti. It's a cover of REM's "Everybody Hurts" (and it really does hurt) featuring Susan Boyle, Miley Cyrus, Cheryl Cole, Mimi, Mika, Leona Lewis, James Blunt, Michael Buble, Jon Bon Jovi, Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and a million others.

Here's a few more pictures from the recording of "We Are The World." Where is Heidi Montag and Kim Zolciak?!

Conrad Murray, the doctor with the common sense of a bitch on I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant, will be charged with involuntary manslaughter for his involvement in the death of Michael Jackson. Sources (aka Detective La Toya's intuition) tell ABC News that Connie will be indicted through a criminal complaint as early as this week. The sources added that when he is charged, Connie will surrender himself to the police.

Connie has been the focus of a long investigation into the death of MJ. Connie admitted that he kept feeding MJ all sorts of painkillers and anesthetics right before he died. But Connie continues to believe that he did nothing wrong. His lawyers told ABC, "We continue to maintain that Dr. Murray neither prescribed nor administered anything that should have killed Michael Jackson."

If convicted, Connie could get two to four years in the chokey.

You know Detective La Toya is at a Cache right now picking out her outfits if this goes to trial. La Toya wants to look her murder trial best when she throws Connie a "told you I'd catch you" look.

But really, there's no need for La Toya to waste her precious time looking for court outfits, because this amazing ensemble below is the only one she needs:

And I also hope La Toya performs this beautiful song every single day during lunch break in front of the courthouse.

It's a good thing that Betty White will outlive us all, because when you're on your deathbed your last wish will be to get a "Die Soon" card from her like the one she gave to Rue McClanahan.

As you know from looking at the prayer circle of cheesecakes in your living room, Rue suffered a stroke recently. One of Rue's friends tell Lady Bunny that Betty White sent her a touching card that read: "Dear Rue, I hope you will hurry up and die so that I can be the last Golden Girl left." Rue was "tickled" by this. And then she sharpened her shank.

via WOW Report

This is supposed to be Katie Price's week with Harvey Price and the other rugrats, but she dumped them on the nannies to fly to Vegas with her cross-dressing, hemorrhoid-faced boyfriend Alex Reid. ILLEGAL! May the bitch catch food poisoning from an all-you-can-eat buffet (might I suggest the Excalibur's buffet), because only an evil demoness with a soul as dark as John Mayer's penis would leave Harvey!

The Sun reports that when Peter Andre heard Katie left the kids behind, he immediately farted the dildo out of his butt and ran to pick them up! One of Peter's friends said, "It's absolutely outrageous the way she behaves with the kids sometimes. They are an afterthought."

And why is Katie in Las Vegas anyway? Well, some think that Katie and Alex will elope this weekend, because this is what she recently wrote in OK! Magazine: "This year I will marry Alex and I'm going to have his kids."

I'm sure Alex will make a precious bride, but Katie really is made of pure hate if she's going to throw a wedding without Harvey there to officiate the ceremony and serenade her with a chorus of "Fuck Offs" as she walks down the aisle. A new low.

Here's the devil incarnate arriving at Vegas' McCarran Airport with Alex Reid. Ugh. Alex always looks like he's trying to give birth to a basketball-sized shit.

Reese Witherspoon and her ass giant friend starring in the all-blonde remake of Hayden and Wladimir's relationship - I'm Not Obsessed

Fully Dressed Ginges with iPhones - Towleroad

Karen from Mean Girls has breasts, and here they are - Egotastic!

Drunk Sarah Harding's upskirt moment - Hollywood Tuna

Pink's nose injury might be from a muff dive gone wrong (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

HoHan and SamRo: Take 4,345,669 - Popsugar

Supermodels are skinny - Holy Moly!

Wino is looking hot (served without even a drop of sarcasm) - Just Jared

Maggie Gyllenhaal dressed like one of the background secretaries from 9 to 5 - Lainey Gossip

Is the Apocalypse near? Posh is barefoot - Hollywood Rag

If Tiger Woods goes on a cruise with Elin, he better get a life jacket permanently attached to his body - Celebitchy

Joey Fat(pause)one living up to his name - SOW

Sienna Miller leaving Jude Law's house this morning - Socialite Life

So it looks like Solange might get some company down in the basement after all - FreddyO

Captain Harris from Deadliest Catch had a stroke - ICYDK

What the Spears family tattoo album looks like - Cityrag

The Over the Moon Watch: Helen Mirren edition - People

Rest in peace, Justin Mentell - E! Online

I know you probably think that I report the important news affecting our world today from a wood-paneled office while wearing a three-piece suit and freshly polished wing-tips. But the ugly truth is I make the blog donuts from a broke down West Elm table while wearing sweats and a t-shirt thin enough for me to use the ends to floss the jerky bits out of my teeth. I am lucky.

However, it is a pain in the asshole whenever I have to put on outside clothes to go to the corner store to buy more beef jerky. But thanks to the genius makers of the Pajama Jeans, I don't ever have to strain myself by putting on real pants AGAIN! The Pajama Jeans are pajama bottoms that look just like a pair of fancy jeans from the European designer section at a fine department store. It's a mirage!

This shit should be called Life Changing PJeans! They take you from day to night and back to night again. These are the only bottoms you'll ever need in your life. Well, almost the only bottom you'll ever need. You still need this bottom, because you do have to watch American Idol twice a week.

via Videogum

If you answered "yes" to that question then your name is probably Gene Wilder. Well Gene, whip out the Orange-Glo and lube your genitals up, because word on the internet is that a naked video of Jersey Shore's Snooki is up for sale.

Radar says that in addition to a video, there's also pictures of Snooki's tangerine titties and butterscotch pudding pot making the rounds. Snooki took the pictures and video herself, but she's not the one peddling them to the highest bidder (uh huh). Radar, who claims to have seen the pictures, says that one demure photo shows Snooki "in her bedroom, on her knees, with one hand on the ground and the other holding the rail of the bed frame. She is looking at the camera with her head tilted slightly." That sounds like some Alley Cat on a Hot Tin Roof shit.

Isn't this absolutely the shock of all shocks? Snooki is so refined and ladylike on the show. I mean, she puts her hand over her vagina before she queefs.

But seriously, even though we've never seen Snooks fully nekkid ass nekkid, I still feel like I've seen everything but her damn uterus. It's like if I got an e-mail with the subject: Kirstie Alley Sloshing. My dead-wrong imagination has already painted that horrific picture in my head, so there's no need for me to open it. I already know how it's going to make me feel (SPOILER ALERT: like this).

It's been a while since I've posted a henpecking fight on The View, so here's one from this morning. Hasselcrack, Whoopi and Joy argued about where the 9/11 terrorist trial should be held. Hasselcrack thinks that it should take place at a Survivor tribal council (or something like that). You know, I have to agree with her on this one, because it's not an official decision until Jeff Probst announces it.

That being said, it's hard for me to completely focus on what Hasselcrack is squawking about when she's wearing a toddler's clown dress that would look much better on Raggedy Anne.

Because this picture of Prince Hot Ginge singeing eyeballs with his fiery nipples in Barbados this past weekend is worth a thousand headlines (and ass orgasms). If Mop Head's voodoo curse on me suddenly worked and I dropped dead right now, I'd be okay with that because this beautiful picture of PHG would be the last thing I'd see. Actually, these dumb words I'm typing would be the last thing I'd see. Fuck. Mop Head is always ruining things!

I leave you now, because I'm a little distracted. My heat-seeking tongue keeps wanting to lick the monitor. And yes, I've already Photoshopped my head on that pepaw's body in the first thumbnail below. It's going to be my new drivers license photo.