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Shayne Lamas tells UsWeekly that her 52-year-old father Lorenzo is not only engaged to his 23-year-old girlfriend, but he's "over the moon" in love with her. Shayne needs to go back to school, because it is impossible for Lorenzo to be over the moon. When Lorenzo and the Empress of Lucite divorced, his access to the moon was taken away. Lorenzo is no longer allowed near the moon. Shayne should've said that he's over the strip club neon sign. That would've been more fitting and accurate.

So yes, the Yanni of Santa Monica asked his girlfriend of 3-months to be his wife. She said "yes." And get this mess, her name is Shawna Craig. SHAWNA! The "W" must stand for wannabe whore! It's pretty obvious what Lorenzo is trying to do here. He's trying to replicate the Beauty and the Beast romance he had with Shauna Sand. It won't be long before Shawna tries to dye her hair angel whisper blonde to match Shauna's. And when Shawna tries to walk in a pair of exquisite lucite heels, they will commit suicide by breaking into a million pieces. Lucite's heart will always belong to Shauna Sand.

I mean, there's no replacing this:

That's like trying to recreate the Creation of Adam on a toilet in a junkyard using old markers and melted Crayons. Only Shauna Sand can blind men with her natural beauty (see the dude in the white shirt). Lorenzo needs to stop!

Deadline Hollywood is saying that JLo's record label Sony Music Epic has dropped her on her fat ass. Here's the visual:

JLo's 7th album Love? was supposed to come out in April, but now that she's no longer with Sony that shit has been shoved to the back of the shelf to collect dust with copies of Shall We Dance and virgin bones gathered by Skeletor. JLo's manager Benny Medina confirmed the split, but said it was mutual:

"Jennifer had a wonderful relationship with the Sony Music group, and they have shared many successes together, but the time was right to make a change that best serves the direction her career as an actress and recording artist. She is grateful and appreciative to everyone Sony for all that they accomplished together."

The makers of auto-tune don't need to cross JLo off their Christmas card list just yet, because her rep said that she's currently in negotiations with a different label.

JLo's movie The Back-Up Plan has also been pushed to April 23rd.

Despite not having a movie or album to promote, JLo will still be the host and musical guest on SNL this weekend.

So let me this finger this gently for a second. Lorne Michaels is letting JLo do double duty on SNL, yet he refuses to give the legendary Betty White her own show?! What in the how?! I mean, Betty White has a permanent place at top of the ladder of relevancy, while JLo is flat on her ass at the bottom. Somebody grab Lorne's hand and lead him out of 2001.

Here we have Amanda Seyfried going to first base with her dog friend on the streets of Los Angeles this past weekend. Don't sit there and try to act like you've never kissed your dog on the lips after a couple of drinks. Although, I made the executive decision to keep my relationship with my dog strictly professional after I witnessed him fishing for cat cookies in a littler box when he was a puppy. If he wants to partake in scat shit, that's on him, but his lips won't be anywhere near mine.

But every now and again, my dog will catch me off guard and tongue my lips real fast. I doubt he's trying to give me a token of his affection. He probably just thinks the inside of my mouth is a bountiful buffet of deliciousness since he watches me stuff my face all day long with everything found in the snack section of the grocery store.

Judge Judy and gossip columnist Cindy Adams went out last night to pick up dudes, slap chickenheads and dance on the boardwalk by themselves. You know, the usual. But before they left the house, Judge Judy should've taken Cindy aside to gently tell her that she looks like Khloe Kardashian's used tampon (hairballs and all).

"I want to go to there" - Papa Joe quoting Liz Lemon after seeing this picture of Ken Paves touching sexual napalm - Egotastic!

Evan Licecheck and Nasty Nastia are bumping gold medals - Just Jared

Charlie Sheen will use the crackhead defense - The Superficial

Vanilla?! Doesn't Kim Kardashian prefer chocolate? - Hollywood Tuna

This is what happens to you when you stare at George Hamilton too long - Holy Moly!

Hayden Christensen and Jon Hamm takes their beards out in Vancouver - Lainey Gossip

This is a new one: Sophie Monk's post-car accident photo-op (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Basically, Jakey G is trying to say that he has gnarly ass hooves - Towleroad

Cruz Beckham partied all weekend - Popsugar

Kelly Osbourne is disappearing! - Hollywood Rag

Moron in the Idiot Mask - ICYDK

Jane Fonda didn't need plastic surgery! If she wanted to feel sexier, she should've just slipped on one of her old spandex leotards - Celebitchy

Meanwhile, Basement Baby is still making Easy Mac on her radiator - Socialite Life

Tranny Mess calls Tyra Banks a tranny mess - SOW

What Bai Ling will be wearing next season - Cityrag

Travis Barker is not the one - I'm Not Obsessed

(Image: Pacific Coast News)

St. Angie, Billy Goat Brad and all eleventy of their children left Venice, Italy for Paris this morning surrounded by a team of security. The security was mostly for the twin messiahs (who may or may not have found Brad's secret hash stash), because if the hand of a mere mortal touches them, Earth will turn to dust.

But seriously, St. Angie should get rid of all that security and just keep her kids on those child leashes. Child leashes are not only the greatest invention in life, but they are also all sorts of entertaining. Just yesterday, I was on my way to buy a taco and some lady had her toddler on a leash. Of course, a grouchy ass grandma had to say something like, "Oh my. Treating him like a dog!" Ha. I would've given up my left nipple if the mom pulled out a bag of cookies and told her child to sit. Grandma would've turned inside/out.

Even though I think child leashes are necessary (no, I don't), I'm glad they weren't around when I was a kid. If they were, my abuelita would've tied my leash to a tree in the backyard and forgot about me. I'd still be there today, and rightly so.

Here's more of Brangie and their army of walking hats leaving for Paris.

Since Adderall pills don't magically grown on trees, Lindsay Lohan gave an EXCLUSIVE interview to The Sun about her adventures in cokery. The whole conversation is totally confusing, because LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone's sponsor or something. LiLo claims that even though she drinks a glass of the sweet nectar every now and again, she's pretty much sober.

While we're all in real-life, LiLo is on a different part of the island in a totally different time period. J.J. Abrams obviously produced this interview. Here's some quotes:

LiLo on how her father drove to the bad shit:
"When my father was going public, that's when I hit rock bottom. I abused substances too much and it wasn't the answer to my problems. People need to know that. I tried to mask my problems with alcohol, cocaine and mind-altering substances. Now I'm in a place where I don't need to use anything and I can feel emotions because I choose to. I learnt from my mistakes and I'm now healthy and happier. I never want to be close to losing everything I worked for and aspired to have my whole life."

LiLo on how she's the new Candy Finnigan:
"Mind-altering substances are so dangerous. If I can teach others, especially teens, by sharing my experiences, then that's what I will continue to do. I've made some dreadful mistakes but learned from them - that has probably saved my life."

LiLo on how she knew the magic of Ambien before Tiger Woods:
"I went to rehab three times. The first time I checked myself in because I had taken Ambien. It's a sleeping aid but it makes you hallucinate. I'd run a bath and fallen asleep on the floor and the bath had overflowed. When I woke up I was so scared, I called my therapist and said, 'Can I just go somewhere for a month? I'm around bad people and I need to take care of myself'. I was terrified, so I put myself in."

LiLo on how she became the massive wreck she is today:
"There was a point when I didn't know how to say 'No' and I was trying to please everyone. I was doing pop and making films. I was young and thought I could go out, have fun, then go on set and record. I ran myself down and I lost track of who I was."

LiLo on the first time she was every caught with coke by the police:
"It was in a purse and I was with friends. I wasn't trying to lie to police. I was only aware of cocaine because of my dad. I was terrified of it. But I tried it because I was stubborn, stupid, and wanted to see what it was like. It's not something I ever want to do again. It made me feel like shit. It became uninteresting to me. I'm hyper anyway and I have that kind of personality so I don't need something like that."

LiLo on how she's full of shit:
"I'm allowed to drink now but I know my limits. There are certain situations where I have obligations. There's no reason to (drink) because I don't want to feel like s*** in the morning. I've now learned my boundaries and I've been very good with cleaning house with people who I know didn't have my best intentions at heart. A lot of people in LA are very self destructive. Partying so hard simply isn't worth it. Life is worth living and there is so much to do and experience, it's wonderful."

I mean, this is a parody...right?

A few weeks ago, I begged Jared Leto to take a machete to his "Ode to the Unicorns" hair, and it looks like he did just that. And apparently, photographer Terry Richardson is the one who gently dry fucked Jared's skull with a hair clipper. 30 seconds to fug.

Jared showed off his new mohawk at a 30 Second to Mars show in Manchester, England last night. You know, just when I start to think that Jared is embracing his natural hotness and treating it with the respect it deserves, he does shit like this! Why must he continue to exorcise the hotness? Put down your fists and stop fighting the hot, Jared.

That being said, I'd totally spread my cheeks and brush my ass lips with his mohawk.

Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We've all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It's like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.

RPattz could've at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn't the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on...

Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn't for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.

Here's some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.

Best Film: The Hurt Locker
Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air
Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education
Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress: Mo'Nique, Precious
Rising Star: Kristen Stewart

And here's a few pictures of the winners, losers and those who were just there for a free gift bag. They are: RPattz, Carey Mulligan, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Gabourey Sidibe, Guy Pearce, two late-in-life lesbians in love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with his girlfriend Reena, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen with Kathryn Bigelow, Kristen Stewart, Matt Dillon, Loki's true soulmate with his fiance Elena, Prince Willy and Tom Ford.