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Yes, Michael Lohan has a heart. And yes, that heart attacked itself this afternoon. Michael's girlfriend Kate Major (who kind of looks like the kid from Two And A Half Men dressed as Tara Reid) told TMZ that Michael was rushed to a hospital in New York after complaining that his chest hurt. An EKG performed at the hospital showed that Michael had a little piece of karma lodged in his arteries, so doctors will unclog them this Friday.

Kate made sure to make every stop on the famewhore train, because she even called up Radar. Kate told them, “He was short of breath all day. His blood pressure skyrocketed. Right now they’ve told him it looks like he had a minor heart attack but they are still doing tests on him. Michael was in Miami. We just flew back to New York last night. But he didn’t feel well all day today.”

And if you missed any of this, there will be a week-long special devoted to this shit on The Insider. Fire up the artery cam!

Screw tiger (the animal, not the Woods)! 2010 is really the year of Betty White! Not only is Betty White confirmed for Saturday Night Live on May 8th, but she also just got her own TV show. Betty White will be a series regular on TV Land's Hot In Cleveland. The show stars Wendie Malick, Jane Leeves and Valerie Bertinelli as three women from Los Angeles who rediscover themselves in Cleveland. Betty plays their landlady.

Originally, Betty was only supposed to be in the pilot, but her role was expanded due to an obvious reason. The obvious reason being that she is Betty White.

In 2010, Betty will also star in a remake of Basic Instinct, record an electro album with DJ Ruth Flowers, star in a burlesque show in Paris and snatch away Brad Pitt from St. Angie only to dump his ass the next day. 2010 is Betty's year!

If you know who photographer Terry Richardson is then you pretty much already know he's a proud perverted pervert who whips his peen out like a party favor. Oh, shit. That was a new tongue twister! A tongue twister that will make you want to cry in a hot shower after saying it. Anyway, Terry's gross ways aren't exactly new news, but lately it seems that ladies are coming forward to call him out on it.

Last week, supermodel Rie Rasmussen told the New York Post that she believes Terry manipulates young naive models into taking off their clothes for his camera. Rie thinks that the girls don't say shit, because they are afraid it might piss off their agency or mess up their careers. And today, The Gloss published a piece by lady named Jamie Peck who posed for Terry twice when she was 19.

Jamie writes that her first session with Terry was fine. Although, Terry did ask her to call him Uncle Terry. Note: You probably should be concerned if someone seriously asks you to call them uncle and a quick search on Ancestry.com shows that you are not related to them in any way.

The second time Jamie posed for Terry is when things got interesting. In Jamie's own words:

Uncle Terry was feeling frisky that day! I told him I had my period so I wanted to keep my underwear on, and he asked me to take my tampon out for him to play with. “I love tampons!” he said, in that psychotically upbeat way that temporarily convinces so many girls that what’s fun for Uncle Terry is fun for them. (I can just imagine him chirping, “Why don’t you wear these fairy wings while I fuck you in the ass? Wouldn’t that be like, so fun?” to some attenuated girl fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe. Either the man’s totally delusional, or he gets off on the fact that many of these things are not, in fact, very much fun for the girls.) I politely declined his offer to make tea out of my bloody cunt plug. It was then that he decided to just get naked.

Before I could say “whoa, whoa, whoa!” dude was wearing only his tattoos and waggling the biggest dick I’d ever seen dangerously close to my unclothed person (granted, I hadn’t seen very many yet). “Why don’t you take some pictures of me?” he asked. Um, sure.

I’m not sure how he maneuvered me over to the couch, but at some point he strongly suggested I touch his terrifying penis. Who the heck specifically requests a handjob, that most unpopular of sex acts which, were we casting a sex act version of The Breakfast Club, would undoubtedly play the part intended for Anthony Michael Hall? I’ll tell you: high school boys and Terry Richardson. Not that I would’ve preferred him to request anything else, I’m just sayin’: if you ask for an H.J., you are aiming low with complete knowledge that the girl is not into it.

This is where I zoom out on the situation. I can remember doing this stuff, but even at the time, it was sort of like watching someone else do it, someone who couldn’t possibly be me because I would never touch a creepy photographer’s penis. The only explanation I can come up with is that he was so darn friendly and happy about it all, and his assistants were so stoked on it as well, that I didn’t want to be the killjoy in the room. My new fake friends would’ve been bummed if I’d said no.

I must have said something about finals, because he told me, “if you make me come, you get an A.” So I did! Pretty fast, I might add. All over my left hand. His assistant handed me a towel.

There's not much for me to say, but I will thank Jamie for giving me today's phrase that pays (you with images only a therapist can erase from your mind): CUNT PLUG!

And since your nasty ass is curious, (NSFW)click here and (NSFW) here to see the biggest dick a 19-year-old Jamie Peck had ever seen.

My credit card has been declined more times than I'd like to admit, so I'm not passing any judgment here. I mean, a few weeks ago I got the BIG D while trying to buy brand name toilet paper, a box of Emergen-C and a Snickers at the damn deli.

When the cashier gave me the awful truth, I politely took the card from her, rubbed the strip against my jeans, blew on it as though my breath would magically fill my Visa with my money, and then handed it back to her to try again. It didn't work. This is what pretty much happened to Mischa Barton (sans the "rubbing against the jeans" part) at Whole Foods last night.

Radar says that Mischa got a case of the hongaries (gee, I wonder why) at Whole Foods last night, so she started eating from a carton of cooked pasta while waiting in line to pay for it. When it came time for her to pay, Mischa handed over her credit card and that shit got denied faster than Pete Doherty trying to donate blood. When the "Bitch U Broke" message came on the cash register, Mischa desperately tried to find cash in her purse, but she came up short.

Thankfully Mischa didn't have to regurgitate pasta back into the carton and hand it over to the cashier, because her friend paid for her.

And this ends yet another installment of Stars That Are Broker Than Lindsay Lohan...

You know how you regularly hug a bottle of whiskey, and kiss it goodnight before caressing its forehead? Well, Mike Tyson does that too, but he does it with pigeons. PIGEONS! Yes, those nasty creatures that always shit on your head without buying you a drink first.

Mike loves pigeons so much that he's doing a reality show about pigeon racing for Animal Planet. So let's recap. Mike Tyson loves pigeons, and there's such a thing as pigeon racing. Did I just get to this planet or something? What in the pigeon head fuck?

The New York Daily News says that "Taking on Tyson" will begin production this Spring in NYC. Mike will take viewers into the competitive world of pigeon racing. Mike has raised pigeons all of his life, but he's never raced them. Cameras will follow him as a team of experts helps him train and race his pigeons against more experienced pigeon racers. Seriously, I've got the same look on my face that Mike Tyson had when Robin Givens was telling Barbara Walters about how he beat her ass. This world is crazy.

Jokes aside, I have a feeling that Mike Tyson is going to be the greatest pigeon racer who ever raced. Think about it. If you were a pigeon and Mike Tyson had just let you go, you'd fly as though you were getting fucked in the butt by a lit firecracker. You'd fly far far away from his scary face.

And did somebody say PIGEON:

This better be the theme song for Mike's show.

This Blind sounds a little like a Cinderella story, only come to Hollywood. This pair of sisters each grew up with the same dream: to be famous. It worked out for one more than the other thanks to this B/C lister’s ambitious tricks. We hear a part was once offered to her sister, that helped give our star her big break. Although she was young, she beat her sister to the call back and charmed the executives and convinced them to take her instead. She’s now a much bigger star than her sister! Not Annalynne McCord. (BuzzFoto)

Haylie Duff and that shady shyster Hilary Duff?! Haylie will get her time in the spotlight soon when they need a real beauty for the remake of National Velvet.

We thought that the premise of the Celebrity Apprentice was to help raise money for charities by having the contestants perform business- like tasks. We were wrong. The premise is actually to serve as a platform for has-beens to quarrel in the hopes that it gains them the five minutes of camera time they desperately seek. At least that’s the way one of this season’s contestants is playing it. Desperate for a comeback, he is determined to be the most talked-about celeb on the show. He will be, too, if the producers choose to air an incident where he steals something of value from another contestant. He planned on hocking it at a pawn shop to gain more money for his team, but the producers put a kibosh on that at the last second. So now he’s decided to antagonize one person each week until one of them reaches the breaking point and takes a swing at him. (Blind Gossip)

This could be any of the dudes. Seriously. But I'll throw all my cards on Rod Blagojebitch, because....well....for obvious reasons.

This B+/A- all movie actor is mostly known for his pot smoking. Recently though he has begun to experiment with harder stuff and even PCP. The first time he tried PCP which was about six weeks ago he knocked out all the windows to his house with his hands. His hands were a bloody mess and he required lots of stitches. As he was running through his house knocking out the glass he kept saying, "I have to get the bugs out of the house." ( Not James Franco) (CDAN)

Matthew McConaughey? But I don't think he's on PCP, I think there's really bugs in his house. Like scabies and shit.

Bulgerace dressed like the bell boy/dildo polisher/pillow fluffer at Tokio Hotel - Just Jared

Paquita La Del Barrio needs a chankla to the mouth - Towleroad

This is the second time this year I've seen Posh in flats! Shall we pour one out for stilettos? - Hollywood Tuna

Kate Winslet is on a boat......without Leonardo DiCaprio - The Superficial

Jerry Hall's precious date is giving me fever (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Sam Worthington's in Details magazine looking like if Pacey from Dawson's Creek hit puberty - Lainey Gossip

Hopefully, Heidi Montag melts into a puddle of silicone from the bright lights and sun exposure - Egotastic!

Jennifer Aniston's got that fresh "just rolled around in bed with my pillow boyfriend" hair - Popsugar

Gis Bundchen's nipples 15 ways - Cityrag

St. Angie is still dressed like a floppy penis with fat foreskin - I'm Not Obsessed

Why is Eugene Levy's son asking for Ceiling Eyes' autograph? - Hollywood Rag

From the brain of Katie Price: edible lipstick for the prostitot in your life - Holy Moly!

Summit obviously got into Kristen Stewart's stash and smoked the wrong shit - ICYDK

Because Elin's "Ah Iz Sorree" diamond ring isn't going to pay for itself, Tiger Woods has announced his return to golf - Celebitchy

Scientology's answer to your crazy aunt who bitches how she needs to loser her lonjas before biting into a Zinger was on Today this morning to whore out her new reality show about being fat and her new weight-loss program called Organic Liaisons. Fun fact: "Organic Liaisons" is also what Gwyneth Paltrow calls masturbation.

Organic Liaisons has been accused of being a front for Scientology, because their corporate office is based in Clearwater, FL, which is where the Church of Suri's High Heels is also based. Also several high-ranking Scientology members sit on the board of Organic Liaisons.

This morning, Meredith Vieira asked Kristie if it was true that L. Ron Hubbard's frozen jizz juice is the secret ingredient in Organic Liaisons. Kirstie said, "It's such bullshit. It’s not true. It’s not true. I’m the top executive. The address in Clearwater is my accountant, and he’s a Scientology Jew. I don’t know what to say to it.” Kirsie went on to deny that Scientology gets a cut of Organic Liaisons' profits, “No, they don’t. I’m way too cheap to do that."

You know what Meredith forgot to ask? She forgot to ask Kirstie for proof that Organic Liaisons actually works! I'm sure it will make you feel less GLIB, but will it melt your chunk?! Maybe I'm on too many anti-depressants, but Kirstie looks like she's been eating donut pills, not weight-loss pills. Bitch is still fat!

I mean, taking weight-loss advice from Kirstie Alley is like taking classes in tact and etiquette from Rielle Hunter.

My internet connection must be hungover, because bitch is not cooperating today! It gets up for a quick second, and then passes the hell out again. So please talk amongst yourselves while I try to round-up the Duggars so that they can form a prayer circle around my modem. Or maybe Michelle can give birth to a Time Warner technician who can fix this shit!

via People

At a Gotham Magazine party in NYC last night, Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats stepped out together as a couple for the first time. In case you haven't heard the whispers on the playground, Swizz is currently going through a messy divorce from his wife Mashonda. Shit got dirtier after Mashonda wrote an open letter accusing Alicia Keys of Sienna Miller-ing her marriage. And here we are now.

But on to more important matters, did Alicia replace her bottle of Proactiv with Swizz's pencil peen (you know that's what it looks like), because her skin looks like Tommy Girl's ass cheeks if he gets too close to a bottle of anti-depressants.

And I know Swizz looks like a perma stoner with a bad case of the farts, but I still would. I can't help it, but his Adrien Brody nose is making my b-hole want to scoot on over.