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Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer's Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.

Alec responded to Mike's story by calling him a "whore" and a "queen." Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn't exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: "Alec Baldwin -- Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!' Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood -- the monster lurks among ye!"

Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought "ye" into it.

Alec didn't miss a beat, and he shot back with, "Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me."

That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:

After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: "Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned."

A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.

This hot young actor has all the girls swooning over his good looks, his cool manner, and his gorgeous hair. Too bad the latter isn’t all his. Yes, even men have their hair enhanced to make them always look like they’re a few weeks late for a trip to a barber. Don’t run your fingers through this guy’s hair, though. If you get caught in the Virgin Indian Remy, he might bite you. (Blind Gossip)

RPattz's magical unicorn forest is 100% natural! Every time a Twihard screeches his name one of his follicles grows half an inch. So I don't think it's RPattz. I'll go with Ian Somerhalder from The Vampire Diaries?

This (ditzy) movie A-List actress smoked so much pot in her honey wagon on the set of one of her films that the company that rented the trailer had to rip all the carpet out and repaper the walls. They demanded that the studio collect the money from the actress, but the studio is nervous about pissing her off because for some inextricable reason she still brings seats into the theaters, so they put the responsibility back on the rental company. They say it’s up to the rental company to collect the money and now the jilted business is threatening to out the actress’ little habit. Not Charlize Theron. (BuzzFoto)

Well, when you google "ditzy stoner" Anna Faris' picture comes up second! But I'll still guess Cameron Diaz?

Which comic and former TV star gets his kicks by calling phone sex lines? A neighbor mistakenly got his phone bill and saw over a thousand dollars in charges. What’s the deal with that? (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

Leave Conan O'Brien alone! He has a lot of free time now. What else is he supposed to do?

This about to hit A list television actress on a fairly new hit network show shocked all of her fellow cast and the crew after she was handed a cup of coffee by a production assistant. After the production assistant had walked away, she had a sip, turned around and said, "that f**king n***er can't even make a cup of coffee. They should fire him." You could have heard a pin drop. (CDAN)

Does that fug monster from High Society count?

People reports that Adam Dell, brother of Dell founder Michael Dell, is indeed the man who created the sperm fish that knocked up Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi. This rumor went around last January, but People has it on good authority that's it true. And I don't know if Padma's baby is actually heir to the Dell fortune, but I like the way that sounds so I used it as a title.

A source tells people that Adam and Padma are trying to work out visitation rights with their one-month-old daughter Krishna. The source added that Adam wants more time with his daughter, "It's all in negotiations. They are trying to work it out. They are trying to avoid anything messy."

When People asked Padma to comment on this story, she screamed, "I have a newborn! I just want some peace and privacy."

That's a good one. I might use it. When the 500th telemarketer fucks with my life tonight by calling me, I'll just yell at them, "I have a newborn! I just want some peace and privacy!"

And in more relevant and important news, what is going on behind Padma in that picture above? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!!

Did David from Roseanne join a hipster cult devoted to the works of Grace Jones?

Where do I sign up?

If you've been patiently waiting for a song based on Tiger Wood's freaky text messages, then maybe T-Pain's video for the auto-tune extravaganza "Reverse Cowgirl" will hold you over until then.

Personally, I don't appreciate this video since it looks like it was based on Lady Gaga's menarche party. No thanks.

via The L Magazine

Jesse James has broken the awkward silence in the room by releasing an open apology to his wife Sandra Bullock and his three chirruns. Jesse doesn't come out and say that he boned that Bombshell trick, but I'm sure he's not apologizing for leaving a log in the toilet without flushing. Or maybe he is, because that would be pretty embarrassing and uncalled for. Here's Jesse's statement to People:

"The vast majority of the allegations reported are untrue and unfounded. Beyond that, I will not dignify these private matters with any further public comment.

There is only one person to blame for this whole situation, and that is me. It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way.

"This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me."

Hmm. That's all nice and everything, but where's Jesse's direct apology to CinnaBun?!!!

CinnaBun probably wouldn't accept Jesse's apology anyway since TMZ reports that she is missing again. This is the second time this year! Poor CinnaBun. She's probably at the dollar theater watching The Blind Side over and over again.

RIP: Fess Parker's raccoon cap sprouted wings and carried him off to the great big frontier in the sky - E! Online

How to make a Jennifer Aniston movie look good: Keep her presence in the trailer to a minimum - Lainey Gossip

If only Ceiling Eyes could look down she'd see that her titties are choking - Hollywood Tuna

Shocking news of the day: Heidi Montag still has sweat glands (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Is it just me or does Bombshell McGee kind of look like Gretchen Rossi in the face? - Egotastic!

Snooki belongs on death row - The Superficial

That Lady GaGa is a litterbox full of laughs! Like she has a vag! - Towleroad

Vadge wraps her roidy tentacles around another young piece - Hollywood Rag

Dear Demi Moore, please take off those lucite heels at once. You are not the one. - Popsugar

Get contact high from these pictures of Kristen Stewart - Popoholic

A remake of Mr. & Mrs. Smith starring two wet tampons - Just Jared

Bring back the Falcone Twins! - Cityrag

Fishsticks Paltrow is charmed by the exotic, far-away food known as fried chicken - Celebitchy

The most exciting thing you'll see all day: Amy Adams buying beef - ICYDK

Basically, what Mark Ballas is trying to say is that Kate Gosselin is a total snobby asshole - I'm Not Obsessed

Frankie Sandford from The Saturdays reveals her Care Bears obsession - Holy Moly!

I better warm up a bowl of canned menudo, because somebody got drunker than a Russian chimp last night. Yeah, I know you did, but so did RPattz!

While leaving a club in London last night, RPattz gave us the 3 faces of drunkness: happy, barfy and coma-ey. It's a good thing he had a team of security around him, because if he didn't a mob of crazed Twihards would've ravaged him and rubbed their unclothed coochies all over his body. That would've ended in disaster since I don't think RPattz always carries an EpiPen on his person.