Earlier I posted a highly important news story (eat that with a dollop of whipped sarcasm on top) about White Oprah's plans to hold a press conference today to talk about her new line of eco-friendly toothbrushes. Aaaaaand here's the pictures from that very special press conference which was held in one of the lesser used gates at Port Authority in NYC.
The launch of the Lohan Brush was attended by a college student doing her final thesis on mental illness, a few Japanese tourists (they are everywhere) and a dozen people that White Oprah owes money to.
White Oprah told those who attended that the green Lohan Brush requires no water. This will come in handy when your water has been shut off due to non-payment and you need to clean out your pipe. White Oprah is always thinking about Lindsay. And she really is, because that white brush can double as a taint tickler.
The news about Anna Nicole Smith's estate not getting one penny from J. Howard Marshall's estate got me down, but this shit right here perked me back up like an afternoon prostate exam!
E! News is saying that Kelsey Grammer's stunning trophy wife and Irritable Bowel Syndrome advocate Camille Grammer is one of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills! Yes, I know you were hoping that the next Real Housewives shit show would take place in Appalachia, but this is still good news. Hug your bowels!
Camille has long been one of my gold digging idols, so I will be taking notes each week to learn how it's really done. Unfortunately, it isn't a one-angel show and Camille will have company. But don't worry, they don't even come close to dimming Camille's shine. HAGS! The lot of them!
They are from left to right:
Kyle Richards - Kyle is Paris Hilton's aunt and Kathy Hilton's mother. She's married with chirruns. Kyle is also Hedy to Demi Moore's Allie. She is awful.
Kim Richards - Kim is Kyle and Kathy's sister. She's divorced with chirruns. She is awful.
Adrienne Maloof-Nassif - This plastic surgery wonder who looks like a constipated grasshopper is a member of the Maloof family who owns the Palms in Las Vegas. Adrienne is married to a plastic surgeon who appears on Dr. 90210 from time to time. She is awful.
Lisa Vanderpump-Todd - Lisa owns a few restaurants in L.A. with her husband. She has two kids. She is awful.
Seriously, Bravo did good by casting Camille, but where's The Empress of Lucite or Angelyne?! You know, the real stars of L.A.!
The planet shifted off its axis again this afternoon, because Howard K. Stern, Dannilynn Hope, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Larry Birkhead all fell out of their chairs simultaneously after a court ruled that Anna Nicole Smith's estate won't get a penny from her late billionaire husband's fortune.
At the time of her death, Anna Nicole was battling J. Howard Marshall's family over the $300 million she claims he promised her before he passed. A lawyer for Anna's estate said he will appeal this latest decision and take this mess back to the Supreme Court.
That means Anna Nicole licked on J. Howard Marshall's curdled pepaw chowder and rubbed her bits on his moth balls for NOTHING! FOR NOTHING! Oh well. Dannilynn will still be fine. Bobby Trendy will take her under his sequined wing and teach her how to make a fortune super-gluing boas to pillows from the Z Gallerie outlet.
Bombshell McGee's "WP" tattoo does not stand for "White Power" as has been previously reported. Jesse James' jump-off tells her latest pimp InTouch Weekly that the "WP" actually stands for "Wet Pussy." Boobshit went on to say, "Jesse and I had a conversation about it and he says a lot of his friends have the tattoo."
See, that's the beauty of having initial tattoos! You can pretty much queef out any random meaning depending on who is asking. WP also stands for: Whore Pie, Wife Puncher, Wayward Poon, Whacked-out Possum (tribute to Kate Gosselin), Winnie Pooper, Wolf Piss, Wench Pleasesitdown....etc...etc...
Daddy Spears needs to summon Our Lady of Cheetos back to his kitchen with promises of Velveeta grits, because this doesn't look good - Hollywood Tuna
Here's your chance at a comeback, Miss Cleo! - The Superficial
The answer to all of OctoCrazy's financial troubles! (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Is that Evil Russell from Survivor with Stephanie Seymour?! - Egotastic!
MAH BOO WAS
AWFUL ROBBED ON JEOPARDY! - Gawker TV
Angie Jo's penis gloves return to The Tourist set - Popsugar
Kate Moss is sober for once. Yeah, I'm just having a laugh - Holy Moly!
Look at this adorable picture of a prisoner and her master - Just Jared
Sarah Jessica Parker's hands terrifying innocent people in Vegas - Hollywood Rag
Another reason for why auto-spell on cell phones is the work of the devil - Towleroad
Sharon Stone could NEVER ruin anything! Well, except for the lives of a hundred mink - Celebitchy
And today's episode of "The Jokes Write Themselves" is brought to you by Jennifer Aniston - I'm Not Obsessed
CoCo has a lot of love to give - Cityrag
In other news, SamRo just announced that she's moving to India - ICYDK
We all need to move to Japan and get jobs as Don Drapers, because it's obvious that they encourage you to eat LSD tabs during brainstorming sessions. That's the only way I can explain this trippy, terrifying commercial starring a broken-hearted boy (who is trespassing, by the way), an Adrien Brody look-alike and a bag of drugs masquerading as chips.
Actually, there's another explanation as to why this commercial is a total mind fuck: IT'S FROM JAPAN.
We're NOT going to have a party this Friday night, because there really is no reason to celebrate now that we know Paula Abdul isn't going to host the Star Search reboot. Ed McMahon can cancel those coffin rolling lessons, because his legacy is preserved...for now.
A source tells E! News that Paula and ABC were thisclose to closing the Star Search deal. Apparently, Paula and ABC just couldn't agree to the terms of her contract and so they both stepped away from the table. Actually, ABC was waiting for her to sign the contract, but Paula got distracted by something shiny in the corner so she dropped her pen and went to play that. By the way, the shiny thing in the corner was Simon Cowell's nipple. Speaking of...
Paula is still talking to Simon about possibly being a judge on The X-Factor.
A Super 8 motel room somewhere might soon be filled mountains of baby diarrhea and used black market collagen syringes, because OctoMom is in danger of being kicked out of her La Habra, CA home. Amer Haddadin, the man who owns the house, claims that OctoMom's family is behind on the payments and owes him nearly $450,000.
Amer tells KABC-TV that when OctoCrazy cried about needing a home for her 10 million hongray children, he stepped up and offered to sell them his home. Amer agreed to carry the $450,000 loan for one full year or until OctoCrazy's family could come up with enough money for the down payment. Octo also agreed to pay Amer $4,139 a month for the first year. Amer says she has been late on her payments several times.
Amer has started foreclosure proceedings and says he has no choice but to kick Octo out on her fat lips. Amer added, "I was the kids' savior. What they are doing is not right, and I am going to take them to court. They are not cooperating with me."
Not only is this bad news for Octo's child army, but it's also bad news for all of us. Octo refuses to get a full-time job, so expect her to pose naked in a spread for Stretch Mark Fetish Magazine and star in a Vh1 reality show called Uterus of Love.
P.S. - As far as I know there's no such thing as Stretch Mark Fetish Magazine. But if it exists, please don't tell me the truth. Not today.