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This is sweeter than a stack of deep fried pancakes doused in syrup. You just want to barf on a kitten.

Here's Shia LaBeouf sucking the mocos out of Carey Mulligan's nose in NYC today. Shia is so gentle with her. It's like watching Brooke Mueller carefully unwrap her last 8-ball. I mean, Shia even helped Carey cross a mountain of nasty ass snow. The black part of my heart (no comments from the peenus gallery) wishes a pigeon would've shit on their heads. It's just too perfect.

I bet they are so in love that Carey doesn't even mind when Shia calls her "mom" and makes her wear a gypsy skirt.

It's been a while since we've sat in on one of Khia's sermons, so here's her thoughts on Trina's leaked naked pictures. Bow your head, and listen to the preacher preach!

Keep your head bowed, she's not done yet.

Now raise your hands to the sky, and nod like you know what she's going on about! Seriously, I never thought it was possible for someone to mumble through their Tweets, but Khia has proven me wrong.

And you know that pile of rubber bands on your desk? Yeah, you might want to keep those in your drawer from now on.

via Crunktastical

If you happen to be in the NYC area and spot a crazed supermodel with rage in her eyes and a Blackberry in hand, RUN don't sashay to the nearest discount clothing chain (bitch doesn't go near those) and call the police! It's most likely Naomi the Terrible and she's a WANTED woman!

The New York Post says that the terror of the catwalk allegedly Naomi Campbell-ed a chauffeur this afternoon. The story goes that Naomi freaked out at a driver who was taking her around the city. When the driver called the police, Naomi busted out of the car and fled the scene! Naomi is now at large, and the police are looking for her.

The police said that the driver suffered a few minor bruises and bumps as a result of getting punched out by Naomi. The police simply handed him a pamphlet for the Victims of Naomi Campbell support group. They meet every Wednesday night in the basement of a church.

It's not known why Naomi flipped out, but I'm guessing the driver made the mistake of looking her in the eye. Shit, he might have just looked in her direction. That is why it's best just to blindfold yourself around Naomi and claim you're deaf. Even if you're driving!

See no evil, hear no evil!

ANSWER: Jermaine Jackson's 13-year-old son Jaafar!

Child Protective Services was called to the Jackson family home in Encino last night after they heard about an incident involving Jaafar, Blanket Jackson and a taser gun. TMZ reports that last week the Jackson's security team confiscated a taser gun Jaafar ordered off the internet. Katherine Jackson locked the gun up in one of her wig closets.

While Latarian Milton was in L.A., he must have taught Jaafar how to pick a lock using a fish bone, because he was able to get a hold of the taser gun.

Security caught Jaafar on the second floor of the home trying to turn 7-year-old Blanket into an ELECTRIC BLANKET! And that's why CPS stepped in. According to sources, two social workers spoke to Katherine and Jaafar. They also confiscated the stun gun. They are planning to return to the home to investigate the incident further.

But Blanket isn't safe yet! The sources added that there's a second taser gun somewhere in the house. Poor Blanket will have to sleep with rubber boots on and a tongue depressor in his mouth. How dreadful.

Katherine needs to put her discipline wig on and handle those kids. It's turning into Lord of the Flies over there.

Jaafar shares his name with a Disney villain, so this shouldn't really surprise me, but it does. I would expect this type of behavior from Jermajesty, because well....his name is Jermajesty. If that was name, I'd be so angry that I'd tase every bitch within arm reach.

And if Jaafar really feels the need to tase, AIM FOR JOE!

MiserAlba is back to looking miserably bitchy again. I was getting worried for a second. - Popoholic

Lucy Lawless' nipples should get an Emmy nomination - Egotastic!

Marisa Miller should keep the wig on - Hollywood Tuna

Do you think when Brit's Cheetolings are wearing their Spider-Man costumes they pretend one of her old weaves is Dr. Octopuss and attack it? - Popsugar

Eff O.J.'s acquittal suit! The Smithsonian needs to get their hands on the suit worn by the jury member who messed up his name when reading the verdict - The Superficial

Reese Witherspoon knows nobody gave her a blowout like Jakey (not like that) - Lainey Gossip

Kate Gosselin looking like a Real Housewife on a budget at Jimmy Kimmel - Just Jared

Lady CaCa's crotch....since you haven't seen enough of it (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

DanRad says he's not gay. If you don't believe him, just look at his brows - Towleroad

Ashley Cole blah blah blah - Holy Moly!

At least Eva Longoria knows that when Desperate Houswives ends, she can support herself by selling chocolate bars at construction sites - Hollywood Rag

Jesus is everywhere. Literally - Cityrag

Howard Stern grabs Jay Leno by the chin and gives it to him good - I'm Not Obsessed

If I cry on camera over Mah Boo, will he let me sit on his lap too? - SOW

Another bland piece of broccoli is The Bachelorette - ICYDK

Randy and Evi Quaid know how to do crazy - Celebitchy

(Header image via Fame Pictures)

Here's the reigning Crystal Enchantress of the Ice daring Peta to come at him while spreading his glamour on the streets of NYC this morning.

Somewhere also in Manhattan, Joan Rivers took a good look at these pictures and then went back to her dressing room to change into a different ensemble. Sorry, Joan. Johnny beat you to it.

Roger Ebert can no longer speak, eat or drink on his own after undergoing several surgeries for thyroid cancer. But thanks to a Scottish company, Roger Ebert can speak again in his own words. The computer-generated voice was built using hours of audio from Roger's DVD commentaries and TV shows. In an interview with Oprah that airs this afternoon, Roger debuted his new voice.

So now you'll have to tell your co-workers that your eyes aren't red, because you were crying like a baby while watching the clip above. You'll have to tell them that you were just smoking crack in the gas station bathroom during your lunch hour. And the wet spots on your shirt aren't tears. It's the cum stains left by the hustler you picked up on the side of the road. You know, the hustler you smoked crack with in the bathroom. There's your defense.

via Videogum

Page Six brings us this story about how Chynna Phillips filed for divorce from Billy Baldwin on Friday, but withdrew the documents yesterday after she had a change of heart. This just your regular "wife files for divorce, talks to her business manager, withdraws divorce" story. So since all I've got is time, I'm going to try to tell it using the title of every single Wilson Phillips song (covers not included) from their first two albums. Yes, I own all their albums. Yes, I am officially your mother, so send me a card (E-Cards don't count) on Mother's Day or I'll go into your old room to weep into your baby blanket.

This post isn't going to make any sense, but my posts never do so you're probably already used to that. Here we go!!!

Chynna Phillips checked into rehab for anxiety early last week, because IT'S ONLY LIFE. Five days later, Chynna shuffled up to the receptionist at rehab and said, "RELEASE ME." Once Chynna finished signing her exit papers, she turned to the receptionist, bowed and proclaimed, "GOODBYE CARMEN, I'm all FUELED FOR HOUSTON." Technically, Chynna was going back to Santa Barbara, but she's been a little spastic lately so she sometimes has no idea what she's saying.

When she got home, Chynna called her husband Billy and asked him, "WHERE ARE YOU?" Billy told Chynna that he's in NYC filming Gossip Girl. Chynna was feeling a little ALONE, so she asked Billy if he would come ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK to see her. Billy told Chynna that he couldn't, but to HOLD ON for one more day because he'd be with her soon.

After Chynna hung up with her husband, she felt like she didn't have A REASON TO BELIEVE their love would make it anymore. So Chynna called her lawyer to file for divorce. Chynna had to call him OVER AND OVER again, because the line was busy for some reason. When Chynna finally got through, she told her lawyer that she needed to divorce Billy. Chynna cried to her lawyer that she's only FLESH AND BLOOD and it was time to GIVE IT UP. Chynna's lawyer responded by saying, "I HEAR YOU." And with that, Chynna's lawyer submitted the divorce papers to be filed in a Santa Barbara court.

Billy immediately Skyped Chynna when he found out what she just did. They argued for a few minutes and Billy begged Chynna, "Please don't RELEASE ME." Chynna couldn't take it anymore and logged off after saying, "YOU WON'T SEE ME CRY, Billy!"

Chynna ran off to bawl into her bed sheets. When she wiped her eyes on the pillow case, she looked up and stared at a beautiful picture of Billy on their wedding day. Chynna realized she was just being IMPULSIVE and told herself, "Chynna, YOU'RE IN LOVE. That's the way it should be." So with that, Chynna grabbed her coat and got into her car to drive to the court house. But there was a tiny problem. Chynna's car was out of gas.

Instead of wasting time calling AAA, she put on her Easy Spirits and started to run to court. When a guy on a bike noticed she was in a hurry, he told her to hop on and he'd give her a ride. Chynna was so excited to get to the court house that she kept pulling on her savior's jacket too hard. He kept having to shout at her, "DON'T TAKE ME DOWN or you'll go down too!" Once they got to the court house, Chynna hugged her savior and said, "OOH YOU'RE GOLDEN!" Dude rolled his eyes at her, because he was annoyed that she kept pulling at his jacket like an idiot.

Just as a court clerk was about to file Chynna's divorce papers, she yelled at him to stop. The clerk turned around, gave Chynna the sex eye and puckered his lips at her. The court clerk had EYES LIKE TWINS. Skeezy twins, that is. Chynna couldn't believe the court clerk was actually hitting on her at a time like this! Chynna demanded that he hand over the papers, but he refused to do so unless she gave him a little kiss on his penis first.

Chynna told him she's following Lady GaGa's advice and only having sex with people she loves. Namely, her husband. The court clerk whispered in Chynna's ear, "THIS DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOVE, sweetheart" And just when he was about to force a kiss on her, a sassy judge saw what was going down and put a stop to it. The judge snatched the papers out of the clerk's hand, handed them over to Chynna and then fired the perv on the stop.

Once Chynna had the divorce papers in her hands, she dropped to her knees, ripped them into a million pieces and shouted into the heavens, " THE DREAM IS STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!"

The End.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go wash the patheticness from my finger tips (SPOILER ALERT: It's not going to come out).