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In case you missed it (and still give a dick), here's the 5-minute secret interview the hardest whoring pimp in the golf game gave to ESPN. This is Tiger's first interview since he brutally murdered that fire hydrant in cold water. Tiger allowed ESPN's Tom Rinaldi to ask him whatever he wanted as long as it was under 5-minutes. Yup, all the orgasms you can bust in 5-minutes!

Tiger didn't bring anything new to the party. He basically said that he did some pretty bad things (Yeah, we've seen all those bad things on The Insider by now) and that he married Elin because he "loved" her. When Tom asked Tiger if he got down with more than one jump-off, he simply said, "Just one is enough." I expected Mama Woods to shout from off camera, "Just as we rehearsed in the basement, Tiger! SING OUT! SING OUT!"

But seriously, Tom Rinaldi needs more people. Tom easily could've made that 5-minutes streeeeetch all the way into tomorrow afternoon. One word: AMBIEN. A few sips of Ambien tea, and Tiger would've answered any question Tom asked, made him a turkey club, choked him out, called him his whore and humped a stage freight. And when Tiger woke up from his Ambien haze, he wouldn't remember anything. If only Barbara Walters gave this interview. She would've come prepared with a bottle of the zzzzzz shit hidden in her cleavage.

Click here if you can't see the video above.

We all know that Joe Jonas' strut is a dangerous weapon that should be used with caution. When Joe's foot hits the streets, bitches hit the pavement. So I wonder how many gallons of soda came flying out of mouths and how many pairs of keys dropped when Joe Jonas stomped through Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood yesterday. Joe probably didn't even notice a thing, because he was too busy singing "My smoothie brings all the hos to the yard" in his head.

Here's more of Joe Jonas and his trainer enjoying a cold beverage after working out at Muscle Beach. That is probably the gayest thing I've ever written (this minute).

No, this video of Jesse James' mistress Boobshit McGee is not in slow-motion. Bitch's stripper game just sucks. Like a bow-legged giraffe on downers trying to wiggle a kidney stone out of its pee hole - TMZ

Whoever Dr. Conrad Murray is in CAHOOTS with better watch it, because Detective La Toya's got their number - Radar

Hugh Grant is a splosher - Popeater

The Situation and Pauly D from Jersey Shore better start getting to know each other real well, because this is their future (PEEN ALERT NSFW) - ONTD

Lady Gaga whips her dick out and fires back at the ho suing her ass - HuffPo

Brittany Murphy's medicine cabinet looked like the inside of White Oprah's purse - NYDN

Is R. Kelly producing The Real World: New Orleans? - Nola.com

Um. How does Scott Weiland think his wife's vagina felt?! - Page Six

Bikini pictures of PP? CHECK! Lucite on water? CHECK! Prince Hot Ginge flashing a little leg? CHECK! Now I know how the baby Jesus felt when he was visited by The Three Kings bearing gifts. Shut down Sunday, we're all done here.

At an event in London the other night, Prince Hot Ginge and several disabled veterans gave reporters 1/100th of a striptease. PHG and the veterans also announced that they will trek 300 miles across the Artic to the North Pole next year. PHG is planning to join them if his military commitments allow him to. The charity expedition will be led by a team of experts, and all money raised will go to Walking With the Wounded.

Wait. Hot Ginge wants to step foot on the Artic? That's like taking a flame to an ice cube. That is some fast forward Global Warming shit. Al Gore and the polar bears will never approve this!

Haul out the holly, because March 21st is officially my new Christmas! I have already been gifted with pictures of Chicken Cutlets sunning her hot cross buns in Malibu, and now here's pictures of Shauna Sand riding a jet ski like a graceful lucite angel dolphin gliding through clouds made of diamond dust. That's not water splashing. That's the jet-ski orgasming, because it had the epitome of elegance on its back. Cancel church, because here we have the father, the son, and the holy lucite.

Here's more of the Empress of Lucite and her new subservient in Miami yesterday. And you know that I'd lick CHERYL BURKE'S mop head if Shauna commanded me to, but she really needs to send that beat down Louis Vuitton bag to the Natural History Museum already. It's pretty much an artifact.

Yesterday at 1:32EDT, international supermodel and Earth mother Phoebe Price took her spot on the beach in her Toys "R" Us giraffe onesie and allowed her heat-seeking freckles to summon the sun to the equator. Yes, this is what happens at the Equinox. It also explains why most of the Los Angeles area smelled like burnt tangerine chicken.

And while PP was doing her part for the planet, she was also kind enough to strike a few poultry poses for the paps. The Foster Farms chickens now have their fapping material for the day!

The Skateboarding Owl!

Tony Hawk better keep his wheels moving, because this owl coming after his ass! Alby the Owl has become somewhat of a local celebrity in Folkstone, Kent because his crazy owner claims he loves nothing more than to feel the wind under his wings as he skateboards around town.

Alby's owner Brian Maxted, who also runs an owl sanctuary in town, says the Tony Hawk of owls discovered his skateboarding talent at a shopping center one day. Brian regularly takes Alby and some of the other owls out to drum up donations for his sanctuary. One day, Alby was chilling out when a boy with a skateboard came by to say hi. Crazy ass Brian claims Alby perked up and jumped on the boy's skateboard.

The story at The Telegraph says that Alby's skateboarding skills have gotten so advanced that he swoops onto the board using the momentum from his flight to push him along. Shit sounds impressive, right? Well, look at this hilarious video below of Alby's skills.

So "swooping on the board" = "standing on a skateboard that's being pulled by a ratty string." Brian needs to stop freebasing bird seed and Alby needs to practice more! Hoo hoo's crazy? YOU ARE, BRIAN!

But seriously, I'm still impressed with Alby's skills, because I don't think I could do that. After about ten seconds, I'd get bored and jump off to go eat a string cheese or something.

And I still think Alby needs to star in a remake of Gleaming the Cube.

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