Evan Rachel Wood left STK in Los Angeles last night with her fiance Marilyn Manson (aka The Eater of Dreams) and she tried to look like she was not trying to show off her engagement ring. Bitch please. Stop trying to be slick. Just keep Marilyn busy in the backseat of the car by giving him a wrapped twinkie, and then proudly show off your stupid ring to the cameras. Marilyn wouldn't mind, because I'm sure he made the ring himself using the crushed bones of vampires and rock candy.
And I really wasn't joking when I called Marilyn The Eater of Dreams. I mean:
If the townspeople of Springwood threw powdered donuts at Freddy Krueger instead of burning him, he would look just like Marilyn Manson. 1...2..Marilyn's coming for fondue....
Even though RPattz's new wax figure at Madame Tussauds's in London looks more like a skinny Leonardo DiCaprio with a Yorkie on his head, that isn't stopping crazed Twihards from trying to lose their virginity with it. I hope the cleaning people know how to remove extra chunky panty pudding crust from wax, because that thing will be covered in it at the end of the day. You know how some park statues are drenched in pigeon poo? Well, it's going to look like that, but instead of pigeon caca it will be coochie cream. MAN DOWN CODE 10!
And in 9 months, all of these crazies will be giving birth to tealights and shit.
Vanilla Gorilla is getting one trick closer to beating Tiger Woods' record, because a fourth side ho has come forward claiming that she too fucked Jesse James on the down low for 3 years. Mistress whore number four (I made a rhyme!) comes complete with protection. Radar says that the fourth mistress has already hired famed mistress protector Gloria Allred to represent her. Gloria says that her client isn't sure if she's want to go public or not.
Let me break it down for you. What Gloria really means is that the ho in question is waiting for Vanilla Gorilla to ejaculate a wad of cash all over her lips in exchange for her silence. Gloria is a lady, so she doesn't talk dirty.
Gloria also said,"I represent a beautiful model and businesswoman. She had a three year intimate relationship with Jesse James."
WAIT! Did she just say "businesswoman"?! Um. Did this "beautiful model" register as an official businesswoman with the Busineswoman Czar Lisa Wu Hartwell:
While Lisa Wu checks on that, read the rest of Gloria's statement: “He pursued her and had strong feeling for her. She is in the process of trying to decide if she will come forward. She has proof of their relationship including hundreds of text messages, emails and photos. The relationship JUST RECENTLY ENDED after the scandal broke."
Once more mistresses come forward, someone should organize a Ho-lympics. Vanilla Gorilla's mistresses vs. Tiger Woods' mistresses! There can be events like the sext-athlon (who can make a dude bust a nut from a text message the fastest) and the 300-meter race (who can put all her clothes back on and run through the sprinklers in heels before his wife gets home). This must happen!
One of the twin messiahs pointing and laughing at the all the peons below. Or maybe she's laughing at daddy's beard again - Lainey Gossip
MTV has canceled their realistic documentary series on the lives of out-of-state migrants in Los Angeles - The Superficial
Sick of seeing Bar Refaeli in a bikini? Well, here's Bar Refaeli in lingerie. It's a totally different experience - Egotastic!
Brandy could cause a car accident with that ass! Oh, wait.... - Hollywood Tuna
Vanessa Hudgens thinks she's Lisa Bonet or some shit (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
This is what it looks like when Rojo Caliente has an orgasm - Towleroad
Oh, Taylor Swift is just playing a real-life game of Marry, Fuck, Kill - Celebitchy
Kristen Stewart's "pumping gas" face is just like her "posing at a premiere" face - Popoholic
Katherine Heigl is blonde again, because she realized it really brings the bitch out of her face like no other color can - Just Jared
Reese Witherspoon's boyfriend dresses like a spiritual lesbian grandma from the waist down - Popsugar
Steve McQueen was such a gentlemen that he held his penis like a fancy cigarette (NSFW) - OMG Blog
Peta tells Jessica Simpson to drop the snakeskin. How dare they talk about Papa Joe like that! - ICYDK
"Pushed into a bush by the paparazzi" is the new "My drunk high ass fell because I was drunk and high" - I'm Not Obsessed
Heidi Klum uses the "fold and bite" technique when eating pizza. Good to know. - Hollywood Rag
And later that night, Larry King asked Snoop Dogg if they made weed mash, because he has a hard time chewing on the smoke - Cityrag
While Katie Price was waiting for her husband Roxy at the shrink's office, she should've checked herself into one of their comfortable padded rooms - Holy Moly!
Neversquare at ONTD just had to point out how much Ke$sha looks like John Travolta in the face.....and in the crotch too, probably. DAMN TO THE FUCK! How am I going to watch Grease without picturing Danny Zuko barfing in Parasite Hilton's closet or licking Mick Jagger's asshole (Ed note: That probably happened in real life).
This must be some kind of Scientology trap, because I'd be willing to go through a week of Tommy Girl's Booty Camp in order to unsee that image. I didn't mean that, Scientologists. Please don't come beating on my front or back door.
Anyway, here's more of John Travolta's secret love child with a sewer rat dipping her never-ending crotch in Bondi Beach today.
If you've been desperately looking for a friend to keep your Placenta Teddy Bear company at home while you're at work, then ruuuuuuuun to Etsy and get yourself the Belly Button Lint Bear! Yeah, it's a tiny teddy bear made out of belly button lint. I'll wait as you dry yack into your palm. Pause. Whistle. Pause. Are you done yet? Ok!
The seller doesn't say how many different belly buttons they had to pick to collect enough lint for one bear. What I want to know is, how can we be sure the lint is coming from belly buttons only? I think we deserve to know if they used clitty lint too.
And I'll holler at you when someone on Etsy starts selling a Butt Dingle Bear. It will complete the trio!
And you thought you were the only one who bled from all of your face holes while watching the animal slaughter known as American Idol. Well, you're not alone. During last night's show, the camera cut to two bloody girls in the audience. Simon got jealous, because he wishes his ears would literally bleed when he says, "My ears are bloody bleeding!"
The truth is, the girls were friends of that Siobhan chick and they did themselves up as zombies to support her. You know, it's just like the time your friend's dressed up like cheap whores to support you in court. Yeah, like that. And it's fitting that Siobhan's friends would dress up like zombies since her high-pitched "mid-pubescent red fox getting castrated with a butter knife" screech forces dead bodies to jump from their graves and throw themselves into the nearest fire.
And if for some reason you too want to look like a zombie today, just watch Miley Cyrus' performance on Idol. Your skin will crack and you'll turn grey from choking yourself. However, if you suffer through the pain, your boss will probably send you home early! #brightside
(Image via The Daily Wha.at)
Xtina hasn't released any actual music from her new album, but she keeps burping out the art (for lack of a better word) for it. I'll take it. We've already seen her "Ode to Erotica Vadge" cover for her single "Not Myself Tonight," and now here's the cover for the actual album "Bionic."
I think Xtina came up with the idea for this shit while watching Evita on mute with The Rocky Horror Picture Show soundtrack blaring from her son's Inspector Gadget boombox. It all clicked in her head as soon as she sniffed on a tube of red lipstick (her drug of choice).