Or where are the men in white coats when you need them? On today's Ty Ty's Hour of Foolery, she pranked her audience by pretending to foam at the mouth and bark like a dog. Um. Somebody should tell Ty Ty that a prank is supposed to shock people. Most of the audience probably didn't even bat an eye, because Ty Ty is always foaming at the mouth and barking at hos. This isn't a prank. This is an hourly occurrence. CRAZY naturally runs through her veins.
Ty Ty's staff should've pranked her ass back by having the dog catcher come out and drag her ass down to the pound. And you know nobody wants to adopt her.
But seriously, Ty Ty only did this to give Joel McHale a sweet tingle. This is like a dance of seduction meant only for him. Lou better tuck his tail in, because this will be the clip of the weeeeeeek.
Jodie Sweetin, seen here with her 2-year-old daughter Zoie (the unnecessary "i" is for "I will need years of therapy") is knocked up with her second little bundle of joy. Jodie's rep (aka Kimmy Gibler) confirms the news to People. Jodie will pop later this year, and the father is her boyfriend of one year Morty Coyle. Only Stephanie Tanner would hump on a dude named Morty Coyle.
Before you go around singing about how Jodie is going to have a junked-up baby and she's going to trade her kid in for a bag of meth, you should know her rep claims she's completely clean. Her rep went on to say, "She’s looking forward to moving on with her life and she’s just happy to be a mom."
The National Enquirer (via Popcrunch) asked Jodie's ex-husband and Zoie's father, Cody Herpin, what he thinks about her being pregnant again. Basically, Cody wants to steal dad's car and crash it into the kitchen. Cody is pissed and he said, “I'm totally disgusted with Jodie right now. Raising a child takes a lot of time and patience. Jodie hasn’t put in nearly enough time with our daughter — and now she’s having another child! I find it hard to believe that Jodie will keep up her sobriety with the choices she keeps making. To have a child with somebody is no small thing. Hopefully, Morty realizes having a child with Jodie is a full-time job. That’s something I had to learn the hard way.”
HOW ROOOOOOOD of Cody to say that shit! Sure there was a time when Jodie drove around drunk with her kid in the car, but she's a changed woman now! The new Jodie will offer her baby a DRANK too instead of hogging the bottle up for herself. The new Jodie has manners!
Which ex-boy band member has began hooking up with fans, male or female, that he meets via Twitter? He Direct Messages them then proceeds to have Skype Sex with them. And he really likes it when he finds fans and they put on his music. Extra points for having one of their posters on your wall. NOT Donnie Wahlberg (Gossip Boy via Blind Gossip)
@jordanknight? But I'm secretly hoping it's someone from b4-4 or Immature.
So yesterday, I guessed Ben Affleck. I'll stick with Ben Affleck and raise it by saying the escort was Matt Damon. WELL, Matt is expecting another kid so the bitch needs the dough!
What B-/C+ list TV/movie comedian/"actor" on a long-running network show got away with showing up late, never learning any of his lines, and generally driving the crew crazy with his arrogance...for as long as he was romancing the show's A list star. Once that was over, so was his free ride. (CDAN)
I'm about to guess Jamie Kennedy and JLove, but in what world is she A-list?
No, this is not Amy Wino without her crackhive on. It's Hank Azaria as Gargamel on the NYC set of The Smurfs.
You know, Gargamel actually fits in on the streets of Manhattan. Dude looks like a regulary hipster junkie who will bother your ass for a quarter, a rock or a light. Speaking of, why are crackheads always asking me for a light when I don't even have a cigarette in my hand? Whenever I see a stumbling mess coming towards me, I just know they are going to ask me if I have a cigarette and a lighter. I don't even smoke! Wait. Are those bitches trying to make a fag and flamer joke by asking me for a cigarette and a light? Okay, I get it now.
Here's more of Hank with Ali Lohan brows in NYC today. Just for the record, yes, I'd hit it while shaving his brows and painting new ones on with a bright blue Sharpie.
Tommy Girl on the set of his movie showing one of his "ASSistants" how he prefers the open hand fuck instead of a traditional fisting - Lainey Gossip
Pauly D and Vinnie continue to pull the cream of the skank crop - The Superficial
Ceiling Eyes really needs to get her wonk shit fixed so she can clearly see the d-bag she's screwing every night - Hollywood Tuna
Parasite Hilton's nipples for the zero of you out there who haven't seen them yet - Egotastic!
Diora Baird's titters on Twitter (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Ricky Martin tells Arizona's new immigration law to eff off - Towleroad
Megan Fox is making Jonah Hex look like soft-core period porn - Popoholic
Annoying Slag vs. Annoying Slag - Celebitchy
Did Noah and Tish Cyrus co-write Miley's new song? - Just Jared
Don't call LisaRaye a gold digger, but you can call her a platinum digger - Necole Bitchie
In blow your mind news, a reality trick was caught doing a line of the bad shit - I'm Not Obsessed
Does Bombsite McGee still go here?!!!? - ICYDK
The source got it wrong, Kim Kardashian stinks like a giant taco - OMG Blog
Heidi Montag is in a Julia Roberts movie?! - Popsugar
Grace Jones is a legend, so I will not comment on the state of her tongue - Hollywood Rag
Maybe she's saying hi to the crabs crawling out of her cleavage? - Cityrag
A 59-year-old man in China died after his friends pranked his ass (literally) by shoving an eel up his culo while he was dozed off from the drunks. When doctors got to the man, they found that the 50cm long Asian swamp eel had eaten his bowels. Throw all of them in jail! Even that nasty ass eel!
You know, I bet this happens to Richard Gere all the time, but luckily the eel gets full from eating all of the gerbils.
TGIF, right! Or should I say, thank god I have friends who make sure the eel is dead before sticking it in my HELL-NO-NO hole.
And with this story and the memaw nightmare from yesterday, I understand if you need to delete me from your life FOREVER. I deserve it.
Lance Armstrong announced on his Twitter page yesterday that his girlfriend Anna Hansen is knocked up with his fifth child. This will be Lance's second kid with Anna. They have a 10-month-old son together. Lance has also has twin 8-year-old girls and an 11-year-old boy with his ex-wife. Somewhere in the world, Sheryl Crow just kicked a puppy in his nutsack.
Lance is one of those hos who has a Twitter page for their unborn baby. Anna and Lance's fetus is Twittering under the name @Cincoarmstrong. I'm trying to find this cute, but I just can't. Here's Fetus Armstrong's first Tweets:
I got 2 arms, 2 legs, a nickname, and i'm 2 inches long. See y'all in October..
9:19 AM Apr 20th via web
I'm now the size of a lemon, 3.5 inches long, and weigh 1.5 ounces. And oh yeah, I'm on Twitter.
2:41 PM Apr 25th via web
Yeah, that is definitely not cute.
And Lance's ball deserves the honor of being named Testicle of the Year. That bitch is working harder than a call girl during the Republican National Convention. Go, nut, go!
Nevermind the fact that Sarah Jessica Parker looks like a stallion-to-mare transsexual who is focusing hard on a horse fly between her eyes, what did they do to Kim Cattrall's face?! That's a straight-up cartoon face. That's the face of the new gay dude in the Archie Comics.
Are we sure the new Sex and the City doesn't take place in Chernobyl? That would explain this poster. I mean, I think I see a radiation cloud behind them.
All eyes (not really) have been on Kate Hudson's chest area ever since the rumor went around that she got stuffed with tiny titty sacks the size of Heidi Montag's nipple implants (you know that bitch got nipple implants too). Lately, Kate has been hiding her freshmen chichis, but she brought them out to play last night SANS bra.
Kate was as flat as Jon Grosselin's crotch before, but I'm still not convinced that she got them plumped. Maybe her chest is swelling, because they are allergic to her douchebag poses. That could be it.
But you know what I am convinced of? I'm convinced that I need a hobby, because I've been staring at Kate Hudson's chichis for 10 minutes straight. It's probably because they look like two dwarf gerbils masturbating next to each other. Can't you see their tiny penises? Yes, I need a hobby.
While I go and find one, look at these pictures of Kate at some Chopard event in NYC last night with Fishsticks Paltrow who looks like a lace butt tampon.
I think it's safe to say that we all co-sign the look on the faces of the two people behind Lindsay Lohan. That's a "Shaking My Head Without Shaking It" look if I ever saw one. That's basically how we all feel about this mess.
TMZ is predicting that Lindsay Lohan will go to jail for violating the terms of her probation for DUI. Bloatedhan was supposed to go to alcohol education classes every single week, but since she's Lindsay Lohan she barely shows up. The judge warned her that if she didn't complete the courses she would go directly to jail.
The University of Jack Daniels (or wherever Lindsay goes) hasn't turned her in for not showing up, because they are only required to let the court know about truancy if the student hasn't attended class for 21 days. The trick knows how to trick the system so she usually waited until the 21st day to show up for class.
Lindsay's lawyer said this, "We have received no negative written report from the program and contend Ms. Lohan is therefore in compliance."
In Lindsay's defense, how in the hell can she go to booze ed classes when she's always tanked?! Bitch should just tell the judge that she's already highly educated on the subject of booze. In fact, several bars in the Los Angeles area have named her their official Valedrunktorian. So she should be teaching a master class on booze, not taking one.
And I would like to think that the judge will shock us all by throwing her in the chokey for a long ass time. Then she will sober up, fall in love with her cellmate (a gentle cholita dyke named La Chona) and the two will move to Mexico where they will open up a taco stand by the beach. But that won't happen. Lindsay will stroll into jail, make new drug contacts and then stroll back out 90-minutes later. That's the way the crack rock crumbles.
Here's a few pictures of Lindsay and the Wicked Witch of Long Island leaving Los Angeles yesterday. Do not make the first thumbnail bigger or you might feel the urge to throw a glass of water at the screen.