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InTouch Weekly's cover story is all about Charlie Sheen's alleged affair with a lingerie model named Angelina Tracy. Their proof was this picture of Charlie Sheen leaving Angelina's house in a full-proof disguise! Yes, basically Charlie Sheen is trying to jack everyone off with Vanilla Gorilla's Hitler stache. We see you.

Anyway, Charlie's spokeswhore denied the affair and also gave the BEST explanation as to why Charlie was in disguise:

"The woman in question is the sister of one of Sheen's campmates and Sheen was only responding to a 12th-step call. Since Sheen knew he was being followed and how this would look, he wore the moustache in a tongue-in-cheek disguise gesture."

HA! If you ever need an excuse, call up Charlie Sheen, because he's a professional at that shit. If being the highest paid actor on TV doesn't pan out for him, Charlie should sell excuses. I mean "tongue-in-cheek"? I'm sure his tongue was in her cheeks alright.

According to UsWeekly, Justin Timberlake is maliciously torturing his girlfriend Jessica Biel by flirting with his ex Cameron Diaz on the set of their movie Bad Teacher. And according to me, UsWeekly is maliciously torturing us by using a picture of Cameron Diaz on their cover looking like she's about to send a dark cloud of locusts after us before retreating into a bottomless pit. But this post is not about that. So just step into a circle of sea salt, and let's move on...

Several sources tell UsWeekly that Justin Timberlake knows by working with his ex-piece on a movie, he has cut a wound into Jessica Biel's heart. And apparently, he keeps pissing on that wound by tickling the pepperonis on Cameron's face. One source said, "He tortured Jess by taking this role, and they are reaching a breaking point. The truth is, I don't know if they can survive this. There's lots of laughing, making fun of each other, kidding around off camera. Cameron's sassy with him -- and slick, prancing around in tight clothes."

A different source said that Justin doesn't "respect" Jessica anymore, and even makes fun of her ass with his friends when she's not around.

Why does this sound like some shit we'd hear in the quad during morning break while painting each other's nails with Wite-Out and colored markers? Or if you were that kind of bitch, while sniffing Wite-Out and colored makers.

Jessica is built like Groundskeeper Willie, so if Justin really hurt her feelings, she should just activate her Hulk rage and punch square him in the chocha. It wouldn't solve anything, but at least she could say she punched Justin in the chocha.

And yes, I'm still holding a crucifix up to that picture of Cameron Diaz while typing with one hand.

First came the news of the demise of Larry King's marriage, and now People says that Mel Gibson has returned his Russian baby mama Oksana Grigorieva to the gold digging factory from which she came from! We're all getting dumped today! It's National Jessica Simpson (or Jennifer Aniston, depending on what your mood is) Day!

Mel and Oksana have only been dating for a little over a year, but apparently they broke up shortly after the birth of their 5-month-old daughter. A source says, "They just drifted apart. They’re both working hard on their careers and trying to raise a sweet baby together. They're still friends and they'll both raise Lucia together."

You know, Oksana is proving to all gold diggers in training out there that you don't have to get married to get paid. Pop out the baby, collect your check and be on your way to the next mark. Oksana's already has Mel Gibson and Timothy Dalton's pictures on her Wall of Fame, so I wonder who's next. Gird your sperm, because she's coming!

If you're a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man's zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.

In the divorce papers, Larry blames "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn't stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin's blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.

Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.

But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can't club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer's still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?

Nothing helps you get over the fake miscarriage of your fake fetus like a glittery gay with a disco ball forehead and dangerous eyebrows that can cut the horn off a unicorn - Hollywood Tuna

Kara Diosmioleavealready continues to torture us with her naked body - Egotastic!

RiRi looking like a caramel Justin Bieber at the Dodgers game - Lainey Gossip

TyTy Banks continues to RUIN everything - The Superficial

Kellan Lutz loves getting wet and dirty with pigs - Towleroad

The Keebler Elves' jack-off material for the week - Popoholic

Mickey Rourke's girlfriend is turning into Fire Marshall Bill (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Dear Demi, STFU - Celebitchy

LeAnn Rimes got banged and it's not a good look - Just Jared

That balcony in Venice is getting more camera time than Phoebe Price on the stroll - Popsugar

iPad: So easy even a pussy can use it - OMG Blog

A judge declares that the producers of Jon & Kate are not child slave masters - ICYDK

Pictures outside of a glory hole - I'm Not Obsessed

CZJ's nipples through time - Cityrag

Snooki training for her future career - Hollywood Rag

Jay-Z doesn't eat chocolate - Crunk + Disorderly

Coco, the demure flower who blooms once a day on Twitter, visited Ice-T on the set of Law & Order yesterday, and she brought along her adorable puppy friend who we'll call Cammy T (note: not short for Chamomile Tea).

Cammy T has a bright shade of nervous on his face and I'm assuming it's because he too thinks Coco's ass looks like a baby rattlesnack after swallowing two litters of puppies. Somebody should tell Cammy he has nothing to worry about. And those barks and whines coming from Coco's ass is just gas.

In case you were otherwise engaged last night (examples: watching Lost or desperately trying to find a way to write off dildos and booze on your taxes), here's the promo for Glee's all-Vadge episode which airs next week.

It's Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester singing (with the help of an army of auto-tune), dancing and groping her way through Vadge's "Vogue." Personally, I would like to see Sue Sylvester whip tricks in a remake of Vadge's "Human Nature" video, but I'll take this.

And since Hulu doesn't like non-Americans, here's the YouTube version:

After postponing several shows, Whitney Houston finally started the UK and European leg of her world tour in Birmingham last night. Several audience members said Whitney couldn't reach the high notes and was sweating more than Vanilla Gorilla at temple. Um. Do those bitches think it's 1995 again? The Whitney of the new millennium has barfing pores and cracks notes in two! This isn't your memaw's Whitney. The Sun reports:

The singer was even booed by disappointed fans.

One jeered "where are you", after she disappeared from the stage for three songs. The break, after Houston had been performing for barely 20 minutes, featured backing singers giving renditions of For The Love Of You and Queen Of The Night.

And then there was a video montage soundtracked by her recorded version of One Moment In Time. When Whitney returned to the stage she apologised, saying: "I heard you get mad. You're a little pissed off I understand. However I thought you would enjoy the montage. I humble myself and thank you for being so good over the years. Well, I'm here now and have even changed my clothes."

That sounds like a show to me, but I also stand up and throw a bouquet of opening night roses whenever a crackhead on my train rattles on about how her goody bag doesn't work like it used to (true story).

Anyway, here's Whitney sounding like a deaf walrus giving birth to a full grown elephant covered in spikes.

Grab a gold goblet, jump on your camel and ride towards the holy land (which is temporarily in Venice, Italy) and gather at the steps of the Church of Brangelina, because Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says the newest Fetus Christ is currently simmering in St. Angie's womb of wonder. And they must be right, because look at that bump! Or maybe she ate a garbanzo bean for lunch instead of her usual, a sandwich made out of her children's tears.

A source on the set of The Tourist tells Star that Angie must be knocked up for the fourth time around, because she's drinking grape juice instead of red wine and has asked the costumers to help her hide the evidence. A different source says that Angie has already told Brad and the child army. I'm sure Maddox was so thrilled he could fart after finding out that he had to train yet another brat how to properly wear all-black.

If this is true (which you know it isn't), how does Billy Goat Brad find the time? When he isn't cowering in fear of Angie, he's off secretly meeting Jennifer Aniston. What am I saying? Angie doesn't need to fuck on Brad to get pregnant. All she has to do is send her leechy vagina out in the middle of the night to feed on Brad's huevos and collect what she needs.

I leave you with pictures of one of the twin messiahs, Knox, with Brad's mama je'e on THAT BALCONY in Venice yesterday.

Bombshell McGee was supposed to start her "Nazi Sluts Do It Better" club tour in Miami next week, but the venue has canceled that shit after receiving a bunch of complaints. Your Jewish nana from Boca has done good!

The operating officer at LIV, the venue for Bombshit's party, did the Kanye shrug and claimed they didn't know she liked to do herself with Swastika dildos:

“We didn't know about the Nazi stuff until today. We just thought she was some bad girl that was coming to town and wanted to host a bad girls night...

LIV is the place for the A-list to play. She does not fit with our regular programming."

Miami is already being violated by the new breed of pussy parasites the Jersey Shore whores brought to their city, so enough is enough!

Bombshell will now open her tour at the KKK's annual family picnic.

via Music Rooms