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Well, I guess I got the "mess" part right in the title. So...Stephen Baldwin, the burnt out weed bud of the Baldwin brothers, gave a long ass interview about RestoreStephenBaldwin.com, the website devoted to putting money into his checking account in the name of the lord.

Stephen didn't create the website himself, but he's throwing up his hands and praising it. This is what Stephen had to say when he was asked if he would actually accept your donations:

Yeah, I would accept it, but I want to just clarify. What's interesting is the initial motivation was this vision to see if Christians and people of that faith might agree with an idea and the vision that he had, and the larger vision is this thing called 'All Who Knew Him.' I'm just somebody that agreed to be the first recipient of that vision. I'll be honest with you, I wasn't sure whether or not this thing was going to get any attention or have any awareness. I don't even know how long it's been out there, but it sat around for a while initially. As the result of one blogger writing something pretty nasty, that's what kind of became the catalyst for the awareness that we see now. Interestingly enough, I don't have any numbers, but a significant response in regards to donations has been triggered as a result of that. So, in other words, somebody wrote something mean, and Christians said, "Whoa, wait a second, maybe that isn't such a bad idea."

Again, I have no control over any of it. I'm not looking at it like it's some business deal for me. I'm not involved, I don't want to be involved... it's a charitable situation and whatever God's going to do, God's going to do. If it turns out to be something that blesses me in a great way financially, then amen. I can tell you right now: If $20 to $50 million came in from the launch of this idea -- the idea being this 'All Who Knew Him' vision -- I think that would be a great opportunity to use those funds to do more and more charitable work. It could become something that once people go to the Web site and understand its true motivation is, I think the sky is the limit and that would be awesome. But the key there is that people need to go to the Web site and understand its true motivation. So many people are reacting to it without really understanding it.

If that's making you throw Stephen a "Come again?" look, then read the rest of the WTF interview at Popeater.

You know, if I put a $10 bill in Stephen's donation cup, I might see the light (no, I won't) and feel warmth in my veins. But if I put a $10 bill in a bartender's hand, I know for a fact I will see the light, feel warmth in my veins AND THEN SOME. So I'll go with the latter.

Warner Bros. has announced that Christopher Nolan's third Batman movie will start making fanboys (and their admirers) bust the panty pudding on July 20, 2012. Christian Bale said a while ago that he already signed on for a third movie, but additional casting hasn't been announced.

There isn't even a script yet, but Warner Bros. is fast-tracking this shit because they want to put as much money in their cleavage before the world drowns in oil, lava and the saliva of morons (direct that towards the moron of your choice).

If this shit is coming out in 2012, that means they are going to shoot it sometime next year. That doesn't give us much time to start campaigning for: Phoebe Price AS Poison Ivy, Quween of the Scene AS Harley Quinn, Larry King AS The Penguin, Mickey Rourke's torso AS Clayface, Nicole Kidman's ass lips AS Mr. Freeze and of course Sean Young AS Catwoman. I mean, Sean Young has already auditioned for the role. It's her destiny.

Below is the clip from back of the day of when crazy ass Sean dressed up as Catwoman and went on The Joan Rivers Show to try to convince the producers of Batman Returns to cast her. Unfortunately, there's no sound for some reason, but just play something that reeks of desperation over it.....like Xtina or JLo's latest single.

It's been over a week since Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage which landed his ass in a hospital in Arizona, but his doctor says that even though shit is still serious he hopes he will be well enough to compete with his fellow Celebrity Apprentice contestants in the live finale at the end of May. I hope he is, because I need to witness Bret Michaels and Cyndi Lauper trying to have a conversation with each other. It's probably like watching aluminum foil spark in a microwave. Anyway, back to the serious talk!

Dr. Zabramski, Bret's surgeon at the Neurological Institute at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Phoenix, had this to say yesterday:

"There is no doubt that Mr. Michaels' condition is serious. He has an unbelievable fight in him and told me what kept him alive at the moment of the hemorrhage was that he did not want his family to wake up and see him lying unconscious in the middle of the floor. It was a combination of Bret's fight to stay conscious during the hemorrhage and get to the emergency room, and the immediate medical attention provided by our staff at Barrow that enabled us to stabilize his condition.”

Dr. Zabramski will hold a press conference on Tuesday to talk more about Bret's condition.

Unfortunately. Dr. Z did not give an update on Bret's current weave situation. Hopefully, his weave is also eating the jello and getting enough fluids so that it can fully recover and gloriously return to bask in the headlights of the Rock of Love Skank Bus.

White Oprah and her precious child have reunited again, and they hit the streets of NYC to do what they do best: ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING. I shouldn't say that. They did buy a hot dog, which is probably the best decision they've made in years, decades, etc...

Lilo is back in New York to shoot a Mother's Day special for E!. Lindsay is going to help her mother clean out her closet. Obviously, they haven't filmed this shit yet because what is White Oprah wearing? Bitch is dressed like the toddler daughter of a mafia wife who went a little too far during a shopping spree in Reno.

Lilo probably only agreed to clean out her mother's closet because she knows there's a dozen or more forgotten Adderall and Percocet pills in the pockets of White Oprah's clothes. It's Easter all over again!

Gabriel Aubry issued a statement last night confirming that he is no longer doing the nekkid Halle Berry dance on Halle Berry. Sad, right? It's sad because he didn't issue the statement in front of a video camera while lounging nekkid ass nekkid on a bear rug in front of a roaring fire with a rose between his peen lips. That's the saddest part of all. Here's Gabriel's statement:

“While I will not comment on all of the wild inaccuracies being speculated about in the media, I am sad to say that Halle and I have decided together to separate at this time.

She is, and will forever be, one of the most special and beautiful people that I have ever known, and I am certain that we will continue to have only love and respect for one another."

What he's really trying to say is that their relationship could've been saved if only they knew about the Better Marriage Blanket months ago. Pretty people always cut the deadliest ass queefs.

Anyway, here's Halle Berry mending her broken heart while holding on to the hand a hot piece in NYC last night. Dude could be her bodyguard, but she has a look on her face like she can't wait to get home and open up her present. Nothing seals the cracks of a broken heart like peen glue.

The Better Marriage Blanket!

Are the flatulence molecules from your partner's farts eating away at your marriage and causing you to reach for divorce papers? Well, you might as well draw up those papers, because your ass deserves to be alone if you can't handle a little heat under your nostrils. But before you do that, there might be answer to all your problems. It's The Better Marriage Blanket! From their "official" website:

The Better Marriage Blanket is made using the same kind of activated carbon fabric found in Military Chemical Suits.

As a science teacher, I had used activated carbon in my laboratory lessons and was aware that chemicals and gasses are absorbed in millions of microscopic pores in each tiny particle of activated carbon. (See "The Blanket"). This principal is what makes The Blanket so effective! Activated Carbon is well known in Science and Industry for its odor absorbing properties. It is safe and non-allergenic.

Somebody throw a Better Marriage Blanket over that description, because it reeks like bullshit in a sauna. But let's play along anyways!

So basically, the BM Blanket is kind of like a Snuggie, but instead of keeping you warm, it hugs a fart and smothers that shit air until its dead. That way you won't murder your fuck partner's asshole in the middle of the night. If only they made a version for dogs, because that is the real dark-sided shit right there.

via Videogum (Thanks Nancy)

Joanna Lumley (64)
Julie Benz (38)
Wes Anderson (41)
D'Arcy Wretzky (42)
Tim McGraw (43)
Judge Marilyn Milian (49)
Ray Parker Jr. (56)
John Woo (64)
Rita Coolidge (65)
Judy Collins (71)

(Image via Flickr)