Archives

Cancel the parade from LAX to the jail house, because Lindsay Lohan will not be put into handcuffs when she flies into Los Angeles tomorrow afternoon from France. The arrest warrant shoved between LiLo's ass cheeks has been lifted, because she paid 10% of her $100,000 bail.

Earlier today, Judge Marsha Revel issued a bench warrant for LiLo's arrest and set her bail at $100,000 after she didn't show up to court.

Right after the judge dropped her gavel, White Oprah shook a few coins out of her cooch (there were a few lodged up there from the old days), stole one of Nana Lohan's social security checks and sold Ali Lohan into white slavery so that she could pay $10,000 to secure LiLo's bond.

You shouldn't completely throw away your dream of a pap getting a picture of Lindsay Lohan bawling like a Wonky while being taken away in a squad car, because she still has to show up to court on Monday morning with her lawyer. If she doesn't, she could be arrested. So you know what to wish right before you blow some random dude in the bathroom of a bar this weekend. Yes, you should always make a wish before you blow anything. Know this!

Just because Katie Price is stuffing a few squid (I meant to write "quid," but I like squid better) into that baby's diaper to pose during a photo call for her stupid new baby clothes doesn't mean baby has to pretend to NOT to look terrified when she gets all close.

That's a "Back the fuck up, bitch" face if I ever saw one. Baby is probably wondering why the rotten orange it was playing with earlier now has hair like a toy pony and eyelashes like a dust brush. If baby didn't have such tiny arms, she would've slapped the grease right off of Katie's face.

Here's Katie whoring out her new collection of baby clothes in London today. Right now Katie only has onesies and beanies for sale, but soon her line will also include wigs you can glue right onto baby's head, t-shirts with built-in silicone bags and bottles with a secret syringe that will shoot collagen into your kid's lips while they're drinking milk.

Just one day after appearing on Oprah, Bret Michaels has once again found himself spreading his golden European weave across a hospital pillow after he suffered a warning stroke and doctors found a hole in his heart. Yes, Oprah and then a warning stroke. Related? Possibly. Maybe. Definitely. Yes.

This statement was released on Bret's website today:

Bret Michaels was readmitted to the hospital this week after suffering numbness on the left side of his body, predominately his face and hands which doctors described as a Transient Ischemic Attack (TIA) or warning stroke. While MRI and CT scan tests were being conducted, Michaels also received a Doppler Ultrasound of his legs and lower abdomen looking for blood clots and most importantly an Ultrasound Bubble Test of his heart was conducted which proved positive for a Patent Forum Ovale (PFO), a hole in the heart. Dr. Zabramski (Bret's neurosurgeon), Dr. Becker (who ordered the test), Dr. Cook (who conducted the test) and Dr. Frey (Director, Outpatient Stroke Program) all confirmed the results.

Dr. Zabramski states "There is no doubt that the positive Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) is devastating news to Bret and his family. The good news is that it is operable and treatable and we think we may have diagnosed the problem that caused the Transient Ischemic Attach (TIA) or warning stroke; however we feel it is highly unlikely this is connected to the brain hemorrhage he suffered just a few weeks earlier. Once again it is great that he quickly reacted to the severe numbness and got to the hospital immediately."

Dr. Zabramski continues, "I realize Bret wants to make a full recovery so that he can be active with his family, attempt to attend the finale of Celebrity Apprentice and especially get back on the road to continue making music. Without a doubt he is very determined to get healthy and make a 100% recovery. Medically speaking it is a fantastic attitude both mentally and physically for him to have. However, Bret's brain and body are not quite 100% yet, especially with the hole found in his heart. Further tests will be conducted throughout the week and I will have more information next week as to how this Patent Foramen Ovale (PFO) will be treated. For now, Bret will be treated with outpatient care which includes a daily injection of Lovenox (a blood thinner to reduce the chance of blood clots) and blood tests."

Bret's rep said that he's walking around and is in good spirits. Bret is hoping to make it to the live finale of Celebrity Apprentice this Sunday in NYC. Bret's rep did not say if he was watching Busty Cop 3 at the time. Bret just needs to stay away from Busty Cops 3 from now on. That shit isn't good for his health. Stick with Busty Cops 2.

You would think that Justin Bieber's helmet of magical locks would protect his skull from injury, but that is not the case. The Lesbeaver went up against a revolving door at a Radisson and LOST.

You might want to stop watching after the 0:28 mark unless you want a reason to go bang your own head into a revolving door at the nearest Radisson.

via Buzzfeed (Thanks Tom Ryan)

A t-shirt promoting colonics? A suit made out of Donatella Versace's shedded skin? Adrien Brody is forever dead to me....unless he fixes this by posing naked in a field surrounded by Afghan Hounds - Lainey Gossip

JLo dressed like a second rate Jackie Collins character. I'm probably giving her too much credit - The Superficial

Kendra Wilkinson should not be fucking on camera. She should be cleaning up that dirty ass room. I mean, a visor hanging over an intercom thing? Tacky bitch! - Egotastic!

Grace Jones forever (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ceiling Eyes can't even show her nipples right! - Hollywood Tuna

When is the paddy wagon going to crash into the Salahis' house? - Towleroad

Which community theater production of Romeo & Juliet did Lily Allen steal that dress from? - Popoholic

Jennifer Aniston thinks she looks "rough." "Rough" is offended. - Celebitchy

Reese Witherspoon or Elin Nordegren? - Popsugar

Connor Cruise is getting so tall that Tommy Girl will soon have to start wearing his double decker platforms around him - Just Jared

Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper are on a break - ICYDK

Is this what the flight to hell is like? - OMG Blog

"The Jonas Brothers trapped in an elevator" sounds like the beginning of the worst gay porn ever - I'm Not Obsessed

12 pictures of Michelle Duggar's vag - Cityrag

Valerie Bertinelli is getting married - SOW

Sandra Bullock isn't taking any chances - Hollywood Rag

It's a serious shame that the lemur is wearing a diaper, because if he wasn't Snooki would clearly see what her future looks like. Although, I'm sure she's smelling it.

And honestly, Snooki is the one who should be wearing the diaper, not the lemur.

Image via INFDaily.com

This really is turning out to be the year of philandering peens. Soon "Let me smell yo dick" is going to be the new "How was work?"

George Lopez's wife gave him one of her kidneys 5 years ago, and now The National Enquirer is saying that he has thanked her by giving his dick to two pussy peddlers for a price. If this is true, bitch needs to get her kidney back with interest. When she handed over one of her kidneys on ice, she didn't expect his ass to use it to help him hump a whore.

One of the professional hookers, who goes by the name "Tiffany," told The Enquirer, "I had sex with George Lopez for money, and so did a friend of mine. He wanted a threesome and texted me . . ."

Sandra Bullock always wondered why when George Lopez came over for dinner he always spent most of the night whispering with Vanilla Gorilla in the corner. They weren't talking about cars and shit, Vanilla Gorilla was giving George Lopez tips on how to get puss juice out of his clothes using a Little Tree air freshener, a stick of Wrigley's and spit.

And if you ever think that a hooker's job is easy, just reread this quote: "I had sex with George Lopez..."

Somebody actually wants Lindsay Lohan, and that somebody is Judge Marsha Revel in Los Angeles. Judge Marsha just issued a bench warrant for LiLo's arrest, because she failed to show up to court this morning for her DUI progress hearing. LiLo's lawyer tried to argue that she couldn't make it to court today because Michael Lohan's hired ninjas ate her passport so she couldn't get on a flight from France to California. Or something like that.

The judge threw LiLo's excuse into the trash and issued a warrant for her arrest. The judge said LiLo can post $100,000 bail if she wears a SCRAM bracelet, doesn't drink any of the sweet nectar and submits to random drug testing at least once a week. When LiLo's lawyer continued to whine about the decision, the judge explained that her client could've easily gotten a new passport and made it to the hearing in time. The judge added that LiLo has a history of not showing up to scheduled hearings.

Judge Marsha just dropped a "Bitch Boom Bye" on Lindsay's head! By the way, it helps if you picture Judge Marsha as Marsha Warfield. Actually, most things are better if you picture them as Marsha Warfield.

This is going to be good. Thinks about all the excuses she's going to come up with when her SCRAM bracelet goes off or when her drug tests come back positive! "My not father snuck into my room while I was sleeping and gave my SCRAM bracelet a hand job to start screaming!" "My not father poured meth into my bottles of fake tanner."

And now LiLo can finally wear her 6126 leggings with a built-in-pouch for a SCRAM bracelet.

Here's LiLo walking the plank in Cannes late last night.

Paramount announced yesterday that prolific philosopher and soon-to-be Fox Reality Channel star, Megan Fox, would not be in Transformers 3. They decided it was more cost effective and easier on the nerves if they used a wig-wearing piece of wet cardboard as Shia LaBeouf's love interest instead. And they would probably get more raw emotion out of a piece of cardboard. But wait! Megan Fox wants it known that Michael Bay did not throw her ass towards the exit sign, she quit that bitch!

Megan's spokesbitch tells People, “Megan Fox will not be starring in Transformers 3. It was her decision not to return. She wishes the franchise the best.”

I know that Megan is trying to save face, but that was a dumb bitch move! Bitch can kiss a weekly unemployment check goodbye now that she's saying she quit instead of getting fired. Stupid toe thumbed fuck. I say that with respect (no, I don't).

And guess who is already trying to land Megan's spot in Transformers?

Before you laugh, let me remind you that Heidi Montag is a CGI robot with the personality of a broken car engine so she'll fit right in with the rest of the cast,