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Alicia Keys' spokeswhore confirms she's got a case of the babies and the father is her piece of over a year rapper Swizz Beatz. And Alicia's not taking her bow just yet, because she also said she's getting married to Swiss Beatz later this year. And here I was thinking that Alicia Keys only got moist when she had a little labia on her tongue. I for one am floooored (not really).

Their rep tells People: "Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz are expecting a baby and are engaged to be married in a private ceremony later this year. They're very happy."

This will be Alicia's first kid and Swizz's third. Swizz started bumping it with Alicia while he was married to Mashonda. Bitch jumped from one family to the next like when Shelly Long leaped from rock to rock in Outrageous Fortune.

Mashonda later wrote an open letter to Alicia, which I hope she'll read at the wedding after she crashes that shit. WELL, I'm always hoping for Dynasty moments! And that wedding is going to be the best, because instead of throwing rice everyone is going to throw side-eyes and lip smacks.

Here's Alicia looking like the plastic flower section at Michael's just barfed all over her while walking the red carpet at some event in NYC London today. This was before she announced her engagement to Alice the Goon.

The Linda Lovelace biopic starring Lindsay Lohan hasn't even started shooting yet (and it probably never will), but there's already posters out for that straight-to-Skinemax disaster. Yeah, LiLo is playing Linda Lovelace. She calls it "acting," but most of us are calling it on the job training for her future career.

Anyways, Tyler Shields shot the pictures for the poster, and you can tell this trick spent hours upon hours researching every little thing about Linda Lovelace. You should unbutton your top two buttons so you can feel my sarcasm gently hit your chest.

I mean, everyone knows Linda Lovelace constantly had her fingers in her mouth just like Lindsay Lohan! Seriously, why does this bitch always have her hands up to her mouth in every picture? Do her phalanges pores secrete liquid Adderall (highly possible)? Does she wear polish made out of coke on her nails (again, highly highly possible)? It's as if she's got tiny penises on her hands instead of fingers. Just bite a finger off already and stop!

Damn. Damn. Damn. Gary Coleman is in the hospital for the ten millionth time this year and some say he's listed in critical condition. Gary was hospitalized in January and February after he suffered a seizure both times. This time around Gary was admitted to a hospital in Utah after he fell and hit his head. Poor Gary probably tripped over his wife's teefs.

Gary's manager told E! News, "We're just getting bits and pieces right now, so there's really nothing to report. If there's anything to announce, we'll let you know."

And since Gary is reportedly in a bad way, I won't even comment on those evil CROCS on his feet. Hold up, was he wearing CROCS at the time of his fall? I'm telling you.....

It wouldn't be the end of another season of American Idol without a meltdown (smells like singed chin hair, over microwaved corn from a Hungry Man meal, titty chaffing and grape soda) from a bitch who is taking that shit way too seriously.

First, the tornado fucks with her Criminal Minds and now this?! And no, she never screams, "HEEEEE IS NOT A CHRIIIISTIAN-AH!" I kept waiting too.

via Videogum

This is POOPY Paltrow's version of the projects - Lainey Gossip

Vanilla Gorilla's dad says he wasn't physically abused, but his sister says he was. How about we all psychically abuse him right now so we can stop with this back and forth - The Superficial

Are we sure Mischa Barton's wearing panties? Maybe her chocha just naturally looks like that - Egotastic!

The terrorists have won - Hollywood Tuna

Kristin Davis borrowed Liza's cutlets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The "Daniel Craig kissing a dude" rumors are dead to me without pictures to fap to - Towleroad

Russell Brand is totally overthinking jacking off - Celebitchy

Oh look, Megan Fox has a pistol in her hand! Expect Heidi Montag's audition tape for Jonah Hex 2 any minute now - Popoholic

If the whole "making toddlers scream" thing doesn't pan out, Justin Bieber should become a professional glass door crasher - Just Jared

Lindsay Lohan celebrates the "NO BOOZE" rule thrown on her by going to a bar - Popsugar

Everyone cheats on JLove - ICYDK

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Holy Moly!

Kat Von D's eyebrow game is in check - Moe Jackson

A Drugstore Cowboy indeeeed! - Hollywood Rag

What Xtina's pets look like - Cityrag

Please let Jesus be a Flowbee in the hands of Rojo Caliente, because those pieces of ginger polyester in Cynthia Nixon's hair are making me want to switch religions. Those kids behind Mrs. Rojo are trying not to laugh out loud, because they know if they do a Home Depot will drop on top of them. That is also why I'm trying to be as nice as possible to Mrs. Rojo, but it's the most difficult thing I've ever done (hit me with a "dramatic faggotry" stamp) in my life!!!!!

Why did Cynthia have to leave her hotel looking she was just rejected from a casting call for The Real Housewives of Orange County? That vein on her forehead is trying to pop itself so it can bleed all over that low-budget clip-on mess. Hopefully, Rojo's love volcano will eat those extensions up when Cynthia is kissing on it later tonight. That shit needs to be sacrificed.

On a positive note, at least the giant black cloud (aka the reviews for SATC2) hovering over My Little Pony Parker's head took a little attention off of Cynthia's tragic situation.

Here's more pictures from today's Sixty and the City 2 premiere in London.

You know that New York Times article where M.I.A. threw pieces of caca at Lady Gaga (that should be a nursery rhyme)? That article I tucked into bed last night and sang a sweet lullaby to? Well, apparently M.I.A. didn't love it as much as I did, because she has gone after Lynn Hirschberg, the writer of the article. The article wasn't exactly lapping up M.I.A.'s taint sweat, but it wasn't that bad either. M.I.A. doesn't agree and she Tweeted a cell phone number along with this tricky message:

CALL ME IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME ABOUT THE N Y T TRUTH ISSUE, ill b taking calls all day bitches ;)

That shifty bitch tricked her followers into believing that they were calling her, but the phone number actually belongs to Lynn Hirschberg. Lynn told the Observer that she's not changing her number even though she finds the whole thing "infuriating":

"It's a fairly unethical thing to do, but I don't think it's surprising. She's a provocateur, and provocateurs want to be provocative. The messages have mostly been from people trying to hook up with M.I.A. If she wants to get together with John at Bard next week, I have his number."

Here I was about to declare M.I.A. our new reigning cuntress, and then she goes and Tweets one of her arch rival's numbers? That burn isn't even going to leave a mark! A cunt to the core would get revenge by fucking that bitch's boyfriend on her favorite dress. M.I.A. needs more Aaron Spelling in her life!

Or M.I.A. could've just thrown Lynn into Courtney Love's cage.

via Pitchfork

The stoner hero formerly known as Rabluntzel took a machete to his glorious mane a couple of weeks ago, because it was too high maintenance. Willie Nelson publicly debuted his new bob at a show in Maui a few days ago. Willie's hair was so long that he could tickle his prune hole with it, but his spokeswhore said he didn't think cutting it was such a big deal. The spokeswhore didn't say where Willie's hair went.

You know what that means? We all better start looking under every rock on eBay, because Willie's hair is some potent shit! Think about all the good shit particles his follicles have swallowed over the years. Snoop Dogg just came.

Seriously, stick a lock of Willie's hair in your pipe and call the local grocery store to warn them to clear the potato chip aisle, because you're about to bulldoze through.

And not only because you might end up sharing bathroom duty with Roman Polanski in prison if you do. But also because if you even lay one finger on The Lesbeaver, he will chomp on you like Queen Latifah on a basket of warm muffins. Don't let the fact that he can't get through a night without pee pee-ing in his bed fool you. The Lesbeaver is not the one.

David Koch, the host of Australia's Sunrise show, said in a radio interview yesterday that Justin Bieber is a diva bitch-in-training, because he cursed out a staff member on the show. David said, “We had him on and he was a thoroughly nice bloke... really decent guy. Our floor manager was directing him to where he was about to perform and he turned around to (the floor manager) Nick and said: 'Don’t ever fucking touch me again.' And then Bieber's sound guy... said 'don't take offense mate he tells us that all the time'."

Justin denied David's story in a series of Tweets yesterday:

family time with my mom couldnt come at a better time....i was raised to respect others and not gossip...nor answer gossip with anger.

i know my friends family and fans know the person i am. hearing adults spread lies and rumors is part of the job i guess.

but i all i have to say is...kill em with kindness.

It's cute when toddlers curse, so this story is all I need to get me through the day. BUT what I really want to know is why are a bunch of grown ass adults touching Justin Beiber? Didn't their parole officer teach them to never ever touch other people's babies? I know Justin's hair is a magical helmet of shiny dreams wrapped around golden locks that draw you in, but keep your shit to yourself!

via The Daily Mail