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I think you misunderstod, sir. CSI doesn't stand for cum stain investigator. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

I'm totally down with whole "service" part, but the "protection" really depends on how drunk I am. - cliff777

Inspired by Heidi Montag's "Transformers 3" audition, Mario Lopez tries Method acting for a role in the upcoming "NYPD Blew." - One-trick Pony

Do you have any experience with law enforcement? Kind of, I once blew a security guard at a George Michael concert. - oggie168

via Poorly Dressed (Thanks Tracy & Joan)

Kimba, the 4-month-old Persian kitten who survived 30-minutes in a washing machine! File this under: squeaky clean pussy, dizzy pussy, drowning pussy, soapy pussy.... etc... etc...

Lindsay Rogers, Kimba's owner, says his fluffy pussy snuck into a basket filled with dirty clothes right before he dumped that mess into the washing machine. Lindsay had no idea that Kimba was being shaken and stirred for almost 30 minutes. Lindsay talked about this highly important, red siren news item to Australia's Manly Daily (via DS), "When I opened the door, it just went ‘meow’ and stuck its head out. I couldn’t believe it - the spin cycle at the end goes really fast and I couldn’t believe it survived."

Kimba was treated for shock, hypothermia and inflamed eyes at the local vet, but she's made a full recovery since then.

Silly ass Kimba! At least this ho knows now that the pussy goes ON TOP of the washing machine during spin cycle (ask your auntie), not in it! And I expect Kimba to take gold at the 2012 Olympics for wet pussy spinning. Sorry, Phelps!

Patch Adams (65)
Joseph Cross (24)
Carey Mulligan (25)
Colbie Caillat (25)
Jesse Bradford (31)
Elisabeth Hassleback (33)
Justin Kirk (41)
Kylie Minogue (42)
Glen Rice (43)
John Fogerty (65)
Rudy Giuliani (66)
Gladys Knight (66)
Carroll Baker (79)

Alicia Keys' spokeswhore confirms she's got a case of the babies and the father is her piece of over a year rapper Swizz Beatz. And Alicia's not taking her bow just yet, because she also said she's getting married to Swiss Beatz later this year. And here I was thinking that Alicia Keys only got moist when she had a little labia on her tongue. I for one am floooored (not really).

Their rep tells People: "Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz are expecting a baby and are engaged to be married in a private ceremony later this year. They're very happy."

This will be Alicia's first kid and Swizz's third. Swizz started bumping it with Alicia while he was married to Mashonda. Bitch jumped from one family to the next like when Shelly Long leaped from rock to rock in Outrageous Fortune.

Mashonda later wrote an open letter to Alicia, which I hope she'll read at the wedding after she crashes that shit. WELL, I'm always hoping for Dynasty moments! And that wedding is going to be the best, because instead of throwing rice everyone is going to throw side-eyes and lip smacks.

Here's Alicia looking like the plastic flower section at Michael's just barfed all over her while walking the red carpet at some event in NYC London today. This was before she announced her engagement to Alice the Goon.

The Linda Lovelace biopic starring Lindsay Lohan hasn't even started shooting yet (and it probably never will), but there's already posters out for that straight-to-Skinemax disaster. Yeah, LiLo is playing Linda Lovelace. She calls it "acting," but most of us are calling it on the job training for her future career.

Anyways, Tyler Shields shot the pictures for the poster, and you can tell this trick spent hours upon hours researching every little thing about Linda Lovelace. You should unbutton your top two buttons so you can feel my sarcasm gently hit your chest.

I mean, everyone knows Linda Lovelace constantly had her fingers in her mouth just like Lindsay Lohan! Seriously, why does this bitch always have her hands up to her mouth in every picture? Do her phalanges pores secrete liquid Adderall (highly possible)? Does she wear polish made out of coke on her nails (again, highly highly possible)? It's as if she's got tiny penises on her hands instead of fingers. Just bite a finger off already and stop!

Damn. Damn. Damn. Gary Coleman is in the hospital for the ten millionth time this year and some say he's listed in critical condition. Gary was hospitalized in January and February after he suffered a seizure both times. This time around Gary was admitted to a hospital in Utah after he fell and hit his head. Poor Gary probably tripped over his wife's teefs.

Gary's manager told E! News, "We're just getting bits and pieces right now, so there's really nothing to report. If there's anything to announce, we'll let you know."

And since Gary is reportedly in a bad way, I won't even comment on those evil CROCS on his feet. Hold up, was he wearing CROCS at the time of his fall? I'm telling you.....

It wouldn't be the end of another season of American Idol without a meltdown (smells like singed chin hair, over microwaved corn from a Hungry Man meal, titty chaffing and grape soda) from a bitch who is taking that shit way too seriously.

First, the tornado fucks with her Criminal Minds and now this?! And no, she never screams, "HEEEEE IS NOT A CHRIIIISTIAN-AH!" I kept waiting too.

via Videogum

This is POOPY Paltrow's version of the projects - Lainey Gossip

Vanilla Gorilla's dad says he wasn't physically abused, but his sister says he was. How about we all psychically abuse him right now so we can stop with this back and forth - The Superficial

Are we sure Mischa Barton's wearing panties? Maybe her chocha just naturally looks like that - Egotastic!

The terrorists have won - Hollywood Tuna

Kristin Davis borrowed Liza's cutlets (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The "Daniel Craig kissing a dude" rumors are dead to me without pictures to fap to - Towleroad

Russell Brand is totally overthinking jacking off - Celebitchy

Oh look, Megan Fox has a pistol in her hand! Expect Heidi Montag's audition tape for Jonah Hex 2 any minute now - Popoholic

If the whole "making toddlers scream" thing doesn't pan out, Justin Bieber should become a professional glass door crasher - Just Jared

Lindsay Lohan celebrates the "NO BOOZE" rule thrown on her by going to a bar - Popsugar

Everyone cheats on JLove - ICYDK

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Holy Moly!

Kat Von D's eyebrow game is in check - Moe Jackson

A Drugstore Cowboy indeeeed! - Hollywood Rag

What Xtina's pets look like - Cityrag

Please let Jesus be a Flowbee in the hands of Rojo Caliente, because those pieces of ginger polyester in Cynthia Nixon's hair are making me want to switch religions. Those kids behind Mrs. Rojo are trying not to laugh out loud, because they know if they do a Home Depot will drop on top of them. That is also why I'm trying to be as nice as possible to Mrs. Rojo, but it's the most difficult thing I've ever done (hit me with a "dramatic faggotry" stamp) in my life!!!!!

Why did Cynthia have to leave her hotel looking she was just rejected from a casting call for The Real Housewives of Orange County? That vein on her forehead is trying to pop itself so it can bleed all over that low-budget clip-on mess. Hopefully, Rojo's love volcano will eat those extensions up when Cynthia is kissing on it later tonight. That shit needs to be sacrificed.

On a positive note, at least the giant black cloud (aka the reviews for SATC2) hovering over My Little Pony Parker's head took a little attention off of Cynthia's tragic situation.

Here's more pictures from today's Sixty and the City 2 premiere in London.