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Because even Hazmat-made shampoo failed to remove the layers of meth smoke, whiskey crust, tan grease and various kinds of dick leche from Lindsay Lohan's mop, she decided to throw bleach on the whole thing and go "White Oprah blonde."

Apparently, LiLo spent over five hours inside of a West Hollywood getting this shit done last night. It would've taken less time but the sink kept clogging up with grease, so eventually they had to take her out back and hose her down.

Now I'm no Sally Beauty, but doesn't some hair bleach products have a bit of alcohol in them? So wouldn't the bleach seep into her pores causing her SCRAM anklet to start hollerin? Now we see this bitch. While her head marinated in bleach, her mouth was sucking on a tube attached to a keg filled with all kinds of the sweet nectar. You can't say this mess isn't resourceful.

John Travolta must have shimmied his hips and jiggled his man chichis extra hard during the Scientology fertility ritual, because Star Magazine is saying that Kelly Preston has two adorable Xenulings growing in her womb. Kelly and John already confirmed that they are expecting, but they didn't say anything about her hatching twin boys.

A source claims that John's sperm thetans get stage fright when they see a real-life labia, so Kelly conceived through in vitro fertilization. The source added, “They were ecstatic when they thought they were having just one baby. Now that there will be two, they can barely contain their happiness!”

Well, John and Kelly better scream for joy while they can, because the Church of Mork calls for a silent birth. That's going to be interesting. John will have to bite onto one of Tommy Girl's butt plugs so he doesn't awake the theatans on his twin boys by screeching in excitement. John will freak out thinking about all the tap dance numbers he can choreograph for the three of them. I hope those boys like sequined sailor outfits.

And Suri better send the Travolta Twins a message telekinetically letting them know that John is their father, so they don't wail in terror after seeing his face for the first time.

From the Rivers' Family Album: The day Joan brought Melissa home from the hospital. - loozer

Runners-up:

The Vanilla Gorilla gets a makeover to improve his image, but he still acts like a bitch in heat. - oggie168

Nice to see that Bethenny Frankel had a portrait of her and her new baby done. - MaryAnne29

You see, Mrs. Duggar? If I can have just one and stop, you can too. Fucking stupid humans. - jazzfish_77

Source: Beastcub via TDW

Criminal Minds' #1 fan!

Don't mess with Texas while they're trying to watch Criminal Minds! Garsh fuck! This unidentified hot bitch (just picture Roseanne with tattered Suzanne Sugarbaker hair) almost threw her PB&C shake at her moving picture set after an idiot douchebag weatherman interrupted the season finale of Criminal Minds last week with an emergency report about a stupid tornado that was nowhere near her. She was madder than fish grease, so she ordered one of her chirruns to bring the kitchen phone to her so that she could throw pig shit at the douchebags responsible for ruining her night!

The best part is, the Criminal Minds season finale actually airs tonight. You know they're going to cut off her cable 10 minutes before the show ends just to put heat on her asshole.

Source: Next Round via TDW

Stevie Nicks (62)
Ashley Massaro (31)
Matt Stone (39)
Kylie Ireland (40)
Helena Bonham Carter (44)
Lenny Kravitz (46)
Genie Francis (48)
Bobcat Goldthwait (48)
Pam Grier (61)
Philip Michael Thomas (61)
Hank Williams, Jr. (61)

I was having a pleasant dinner when the person next to me said, guess who is gay. Well, it would be easier to guess who isn't gay, but I said I didn't know. They then said the name of this married, foreign born, former A list female singer and sometime actress who will always have A list name recognition. I had never even heard a peep she was. A gay right supporter for sure, but gay? Absolutely 100%. (CDAN)

CHARO!!!! Where do you think "cuchi cuchi" came from?

Could it be this person is just ticked they didn't win? Could be, but let us judge for ourselves. This ex contestant (you will never get it) of a top ranked non cable reality show spilled that one of the show's judges hates white people. The judge makes no effort to talk to anyone who is white and will go out of their way to not talk to white people. During the taping of the show, the cameras would have to roll for a very, very long time to ever hear anything positive about a white contestant from this judge. Most of the time it would take a prompt from a producer to get the judge to say anything remotely positive about the white contestants. (CDAN)

All I know is that this isn't Randy Jackson, because he has in Journey which is one of the whitest bands in history.

Ben Kingsley told a story on The View this morning about an unpleasant dinner he had at the home of a Hollywood actor: “There are times when I wish I could have said or done something differently. [For example] The last time I was here, there was an old Hollywood actor who invited me back to his home. He was with his aging German girlfriend. I was instantly nervous around her. During the meal, she said ‘Are you Jewish?’. And I said ‘No as a matter of fact, I’m half Indian and half English.’ And she said ‘Oh my god, that’s even worse.’ [audience gasps] So, I did not drop my knife and fork and say ‘Fuck you’. I stayed in a state of rage throughout the dinner. Why? Because everything happens for a reason. And now here I am with you and [pointing at the camera] if you’re still around, you racist old witch…[gesturing to The View panel] these girls have now heard it, and you know who you are! You know who you are!” (Blind Gossip)

I think Robert Redford just married a German lady.... But whoever it is will now be turned away at the doors of Heaven for fucking with Gandhi!

Which late-night TV host is having Tiger Woods-like problems? One woman has already come forward, but at least one more is looking to sell her sordid story. (Page Six)

All of the abuelitas of the country are going to take their switches to George Lopez's ass.

Now that it's starting to get hotter I'm seeing more and more dudes walking the public streets wearing a cardigan but nothing else underneath it. Not even a half-shirt, a dickey or pasties. Nothing. It makes them look like they reek of Cool Water and are graduates of Dimitri The Lover's School of Elegance. Maybe they are sick of chicks having all of the nip slip fun, so they are trying to get themselves a piece. It works for me.

I only wish that Mr. Rogers was still around to partake in this new trend. Actually, maybe it's better that he isn't, because I don't think Lady Elaine Fairchilde could take getting an eye full of Mr. Rogers nip.

Anyways, here's Colin Farrell going commando on top while leaving a store in Los Feliz, CA yesterday.

Men's Health Magazine has put out their annual Worst Drinks in America list and Cold Stone Creamery's PB&C shake took the #1 spot thanks to the 2,010 calories your body will gain if you drink an entire 24 fl oz cup of it.

To put this into perspective, 2,010 calories is what you would ingest if you licked a little bit of Paul Mason's pre-cum or inhaled near Aretha Franklin after she sneezed. On the other side, I don't think Angie Jo has consumed 2,010 calories total in her lifetime.

Here's the details from Men's Health. Keep a shot of insulin near you just in case:

Cold Stone PB&C (Gotta Have It size, 24 fl oz)

2,010 calories
131 g fat (68 g saturated)
153 g sugars

Sugar Equivalent: 30 Chewy Chips Ahoy Cookies

In terms of saturated fat, drinking this Cold Stone catastrophe is like slurping up 68 strips of bacon. Health experts recommend capping your saturated fat intake at about 20 grams per day, yet this beverage packs more than three times that into a cup the size of a Chipotle burrito. But here’s what’s worse: No regular shake at Cold Stone, no matter what the size, has fewer than 1,000 calories. If you must drink your ice cream, make it one of the creamery’s “Sinless” options. Otherwise you’d better plan on buying some bigger pants on the way home

Kirstie Alley is probably throwing a Kanye shrug at this, because she puts SlimFast powder in a PB&C shake and makes a sensible breakfast out of it. Hell, she probably brushes her teeth with it.

That mess is every flavor of disgusting, and yet I still want to bathe in a bath tub full of it. Goodbye working arteries, hello deliciousness!

Billy Goat Brad finally has a best friend to bump heads with in the field and to scale the sides of mountains with while trying to get away from hongray Angie Jos jackals. Yes, I've been watching Life again. But enough about me, and more about Billy Goat Brad's new cuddle partner in the barn. People says that Rob Lowe has given himself a Skid Row fugunder to play an "insane" movie star for three episodes of Californication.

Rob wouldn't say if his character is based on Billy Goat Brad, but if they were standing next to each other it would take Maddox a few seconds to decide which one to throw a rope over and lead to the stream for a drink.

Rob better keep a beautiful Jennifer Aniston portrait tucked under his chin minge at all times just in case Angie Jo gets confused and starts feeding from the wrong pair of nuts.

Eva Longoria looking like a deranged raccoon in the face. And Posh looking like a deranged raccoon attacked her head. Hmmm - Lainey Gossip

AnnaLynne and Angel McCord are over this shit. Just like I'm over them trying to be the new Landers Sisters - Egotastic!

Boy Lohan lied - The Superficial

Kate Hudson looks mighty proud of her new titty situation - Hollywood Tuna

Cameron Diaz or a sun-dried Kiki Dunst? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

It's a good thing Justin Bieber can't read or this might make him cry extra hard during potty training - Towleroad

RiRi as Slash......Come again? - Celebitchy

That cracking noise you hear is coming from Squinty Zellweger's ankles - Popoholic

XXXtina's Ho Shit Tour has been put on pause - Just Jared

I hope Gwen Stefani is knocked up because we haven't had a fucked up baby name in a long time - Popsugar

Mindy McCready may or may not have overdosed on pills - I'm Not Obsessed

Duh. - ICYDK

Celebrity Baby Tossing is going to be a new game show on NBC in 3..2.. - Cityrag

What Tiger Woods' gardeners look like - Holy Moly!

Must resist making a "Cannes" joke - Moe Jackson

But Jessica Simpson's fitness video will be in Papa Joe's pants at one point or another - Hollywood Rag