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Evan Likesdadick tells Radar that he's in the market for a brand new girlfriend to keep him company. Well, Sex and the City 2 is coming out this weekend and nobody wants Evan to coo at Jason Lewis' nipples by himself, so he better get on that shit. Evan says:

"I'm lonely. I need a girlfriend. I’m looking for funny, someone who can deal with a busy schedule—which has been a problem in the past. And I don't know, just a cool girl. I need someone to hang out with me.”

That sound you just heard was Johnny Weir's glitter hole spitting sparkles into his fur panties after reading Evan's mess of a quote.

(Image via Warren and Derrick)

The makers of Botox aren't going to be happy when they find out that Kim Kardashian admits to using their shit. That's not an endorsement you want seeing as though Kim looks like a creature in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

Kim Kardassian is still farting about how she's never been under a plastic surgeon's scalpel, but she does that admit that in addition to being full of shit and NFL sperm, she's also full of Botox. Kim tells Nightline, "I'm totally not against plastic surgery. I've tried Botox before. That's the only thing that I've done. I've never had my nose done. What's funny about my nose, it's my biggest insecurity. I always want to get my nose done . . . I went to the doctor, I had them take the pictures, he showed me what it would look like and it just didn't -- I wouldn't look the same."

This Close Encounters of the Third Kind-looking bitch is serious. Kim really wants us to believe that Botox is the reason why she looks like she's about to jump out of a bitch's stomach and sing "Hello Mah Baby" while kicking across a diner counter. If Kim wants a face that only L. Ron Hubbard could love, then that's fine but she doesn't have to spit lies. Alien, please.

via UsWeekly

Hos at the French Open yesterday should've been keeping their eyes on Venus Williams' balls, but instead they couldn't stop staring at her "Noah Cyrus going to church" tennis teddy and her flesh colored ass huggers. Venus brushed off the prudes and said her ensemble was about the "illusion that I've got a vagina...a lot of my motif this year."

Venus' rock hard butt cheeks could crack a tennis ball just by flinching at it, so I say she should flaunt them as much as she can. Especially because every time she shows off her ass, Gay Al Reynolds punches at his nalgas because no matter how many "squeeze the peen" exercises he does they will never be as great as Venus'.

I scream, you scream, we all scream at the sight of Heidi Montag - Hollywood Tuna

Jennifer Aniston's nipples are always so damn excited, because they know the chances of them getting bit by an annoying baby are slim to none - Egotastic!

Ryan Gosling really gets the tingles for his white shoes - Lainey Gossip

The Vlasic pickle stork is probably fapping to this - The Superficial

Some ho carrying around her weathered Armani leather beach bag (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Lady Gaga gets a boner from all the dick rumors - Towleroad

The real winner of Celebrity Apprentice is Cyndi Lauper's Medusa hair - Celebitchy

Blinded by the Kiki - Popoholic

Panty Creamer of the Minute: Ryan Phillipe - Popsugar

Monica Bellucci & Vincent Cassel have a new baby fweeeend - Just Jared

Suri Cruise stocking up on Jimmy Choo stilettos at Barney's - ICYDK

Eff the Super Mario cakes, tell me more about that magical wolf painting in the background - OMG Blog

Bow Wow's supposed peen looks like a misshapen banana half-dipped in milk chocolate - Crunk + Disorderly

Speaking of bananas, Zac Efron is deep throating one - Celebslam

Vanilla Gorilla's "Urkel sucking helium" voice is making my ears cry - I'm Not Obsessed

If STAINS got a tattoo... - Cityrag

Holly Madison surrounded by a trio of piping hot pieces - Hollywood Rag

(Image via Pacific Coast News)

Leave it to the maternal goddess that is CoCo to teach our youth how to properly motorboat. CoCo posted this picture on her Twitter page of her niece Daisy cuddling up to her gigantic baby head chichis. CoCo wrote: "Hangin w my twin nieces.Daisy just loves my boobs.She likes putting her head in between them".

It's sort of sweet now, but it won't be in a few years when Daisy pisses off the other kids in the playground by hogging up all the rubber balls. Daisy's mom better keep this picture on her at all times so she can use it to explain to the teacher why her daughter is always raspberry-ing basketballs during recess.

via Tabloid Prodigy (Thanks H.M.)

Since I haven't posted an animal love video (Kendra's sex tape does not count) in a while, here's a clip of a fluffy pussy and a doggy partaking in a little face fellatio and ear nibbling action.

These two are freaky ass bitches, because they know they are being filmed yet they continue to get down with each other. They even look at us like, "Are you enjoying this?" Kinky fucks!

via TDW (Thanks Jen)

Dressed like a rest stop prostitute turned middle-aged office temp who is always asking you for cigarettes and never washes her hands after she pisses, Lindsay Lohan graciously showed up to court in Beverly Hills today to get reamed by Judge Marsha Revel. Don't worry, Judge Marsha duct-taped a dental dam over her mouth before she gave it to LiLo.

As expected, Judge Marsha ordered LiLo to wear a SCRAM anklet and told her that she must stay away from booze and drugs. LiLo will have to undergo random drug testing once a week and she also must continue to attend alcohol education classes. If she fucks up, she will be thrown in jail before she can snort up the last line.

LiLo's lawyer also tried to be slick by asking the judge if she can remove the SCRAM anklet while "working." Her lawyer said she's due to begin shooting a movie in Texas, and the anklet might get in the way. Judge Marsha shut that request down.

LiLo must start wearing the SCRAM anklet within 24 hours, so if you're in the L.A. area you better hope that you stocked up on the sweet nectar because there's about to be a drought! Bitch went straight from court to the nearest economy-sized bottle of vodka.

And oh, how I wish a SCRAM anklet on LiLo's ankle. Seriously, that SCRAM anklet is going to stay drunk, high and hollerin'. So don't be surprised if you see Pete Doherty curled around LiLo's ankle.

Alien Princess RiRi wants to become somebody's mother one day, but says she's leaning towards taking the adoption route because the thought of passing a baby through her vag gives her the scareds. You know, the thought of RiRi passing a baby through her vag gives me the scareds too.

In an interview with Bauer Radio's In:Demand show RiRi says, "I'm really scared of the actual child birth situation, but I do want to be a mother one day. Even if I have to adopt I want to be a mother."

If I was RiRi I'd be scared of child birth too. If RiRi's baby inherited her infinityhead of wonder, she'd suffer the longest childbirth of all childbirths. I mean, it would take HOURS for her baby's forehead to clear her snatch. The nurses would pull up a chair and play a game of Tic Tac Toe on baby's forehead while waiting for its eyes to show up.

via Contact Music

Instead of picking out ensembles that will go perfectly with her SCRAM bracelet (which is what she should be doing!), Lindsay Lohan gave a totally bullshit interview to a scary omni-powerful voice in Blanche Devereaux's bedroom.

If your eyeballs are feeling lazy this morning and they don't feel like rolling continuously, let me break it down for you: BITCH DENIES EVERYTHING. Lindsay says she isn't eating the bad shit and was only in Cannes to promote her movie. If this was an audition tape for Intervention, bitch would get the job.

I mean, if Lindsay wanted to look like she was at least trying to tell the truth, she should've told the interviewer to hold a bottle of Jack over the camera so her shifty eyes could focus on one thing instead of searching the room for a fucking clue.

Over the weekend, the News of the World unofficially crowned Sarah Ferguson the true Duchess of Pimps after they posted a video of her trying to whore out her ex-husband Prince Andrew for $750,000. The tape was part of an undercover investigation to get Fergie to agree to sell business access to Prince Andrew, who is a British trade representative. The NOTW says they heard on the stroll that Fergie was willing to sell access to her ex, so they sent in an undercover reporter (posing as a fancy businessman) to catch her in the act!

In the video, Fergie accepts a $40,000 down payment and tells the undercover reporter that she will introduce him to Prince Andrew and open any door he wants. Fergie also claimed that Prince Andrew knew of the deal and told her to demand $750,000. Fergie says on the video, "He knows that he's had to underwrite me up to now because I've got no money." Prince Andrew swears Fergie is lie-telling and he didn't know anything about what was going down.

After the NOTW published their ESCANDALO expose, Fergie came out and apologized to the royal family for trying to pimp their shit out. Fergie said, "I very deeply regret the situation and the embarrassment caused. It is true that my financial situation is under stress. However, that is no excuse for a serious lapse in judgment, and I am very sorry that this has happened. I can confirm that the Duke of York was not aware or involved in any of the discussions that occurred."

Scotland Yard says that Fergie did nothing illegal, so she won't be shuffled off to the chokey at this time.

You can't fault Fergie for doing what she needs to do to keep her wine glass filled with her medicine and her lungs filled with fag smoke. The Weight Watchers money dried up a long time ago, and Prince Hot Ginge keeps telling her to "FUCK OFF" when she asks him to pose for tasteful nudes, so what else is she supposed to do?!

And while watching this sequel to The Grifters, I kept waiting for Patsy and Edina to stumble in to tell Fergie to hurry her ass up before they huffed all the gas from their waiting car.