When Tori Spelling calls all her old 90210 cast mates, they either hang up on her face or pretend to be the maid and tell her they are dead and not to call again. That's because they are all co-presidents of the I HATE TORI SPELLING club. That's what Tori says anyway. During an interview with Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM radio show this morning, he asked her about Tiffani Thiessen. Tori said:
"She doesn't talk to me anymore. All my cast members hate me. People say, 'Do you mean during 90210?' I say, 'No, we were great friends during 90210. We were friends after 90210.' They all came to my first wedding. All of a sudden I marry Dean McDermott, and I don't know what happened. I lost all my cast members."
Gaycrest said that as far as he knows, Tiffani does not have a dart board with Tori's face on it down in her basement. Tori's response to that was, "It's my perception, and nonetheless, it's a fun story."
Some may think that Tori's friends deleted her name from their address book after she sexed on a married dude while she was married, but I don't think that's why. Tori is sitting by herself in the cafeteria thanks to a little thing called Brenda Walsh-infused KARMA! When everybody was throwing shit at Brenda Walsh back in the olden days, Tori turned her back on her. Well, Karma is a bitch whose full name is Shannen Maria Doherty. This is also why Kelly Taylor has a permanent abscess on her taint (just go with me on that one).
Or maybe Tori's old cast mates don't talk to her, because they are afraid she's going to seduce their children with a delicious feast so that she can devour them whole. That's probably it.
Not since Celie and Nettie embraced after 40 years apart while Miss Sophia looked on through her one working eye has a reunion softly caressed my no-heart and made me a little moist in the sockets. Detective La Toya Jackson took a break from starring in Michael Jackson tributes from here to Eyjafjallajokul to reunite with Bubbles the chimp in front of Animal Planet's cameras.
In a special on the life of Bubbles airing tomorrow night, La Toya travels all the way to Bubbles' new cage to see his face again after 20-something years and give him a pit bath with a garden hose.
La Toya also sits next to Bubbles' cage and cries hot tears of whatever the fuck she injects into her face while he thinks to himself, "Who the fuck is this?" You can't blame Bubbles for not giving a shit, because the last time he saw La Toya she didn't have a face like an E.T. action figure. But I'm still standing next to them in spirit crying, "This is the day of my dream!" That it is!
Clip of Bubbles and La Toya's reunion below:
You decide which bitch that headline is directed towards (SPOILER ALERT: the hot bitch in the pink tie). Yesterday, Catherine Zeta-Jones finished her final performance in A Little Night Music on Broadway and celebrated by picking up her dog's ass nuggets on the streets of NYC while stretching out Posh Beckham's favorite ensemble. I love how even CZJ's bodyguard is dressed like he's about to sip mint juleps on the veranda of the Gatsby Estate. The truth is, CZJ's dog won't shit unless he's surrounded by fancy motherfuckers in fancy clothes.
CZJ is way too refined for me. I bet she pisses with her legs crossed (she finds a way) and wears white satin gloves whenever she changes Michael Douglas' colostomy bag.
Which sex piece is working a pair of heels like Tommy Girl and Suri on the stroll? - Lainey Gossip
Your nipple is probably more famous than the nipple belonging to AnnaLynne McCord's sister, but here it is anyways - Egotastic!
This is an uncalled insult to retarded people - The Superficial
Katy Perry wearing a strong contender of the new Slut Dress of '10 - Hollywood Tuna
If only Ginger O'Day dropped one right on Aubrey's tits (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
James Franco says he's not gay, but he wouldn't mind playing gay 100 times over - Towleroad
Orlando Bloom is going to make such a beautiful bride - Celebitchy
Well, the "awkward" part is right - Popoholic
Chace Crawford is growing a new beard - Just Jared
Does bronzer have steroids in it, because Zac Efron is getting beefier than Brook Hogan - Popsugar
Brit Brit is re-entering 1990 by wearing a fucking lace choker! - ICYDK
Kitten on a turtle - Cityrag
Oh, Trace Cyrus, go back to your stable already - Hollywood Rag
And on the second Sunday of every May, Spencer Pratt's mother wishes she would've swallowed the load that had him in it - I'm Not Obsessed
New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys summon the panty pudding - SOW
Kelly Brook no longer has a wallet to fuck - Holy Moly!
The kitten with the tiny hat has returned, but this time Speedo is not around to smack that cone of whipped meat out from under his little tongue. The last time Speedo Joe Jackson-ed the kitten with the tiny hat he got dragged away by Pussy Protective Services. That shit sucks, because the kitten with the tiny hat just isn't the same without Speedo there to pussy slap that hat right off of him.
And please tell me that Speedo's pussy slap wasn't viral marketing for this ice cream place. Please tell them that Speedo's pussy slap came from his cunty heart.
via Buzzfeed (Thanks Jennifer)
If an emotion called jealousy filled you up after reading about how Jeremy London's kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, then find yourself a car with a flat tire and hit the streets of Palm Springs, because apparently that kind of shit happens all the time! That's what Jeremy's wife Melissa seems to think anyway. In an interview with Radar, Melissa says that the nay-saying bitches out there should stop fucking them with the doubt stick, because it could happen to you. "PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!" - Lindsay Lohan
Melissa, who was also kidnapped but later driven home after she started crying, says that she is scared for her life still, because the cops have yet to find two of the kidnapping crackhead makers. Brandon Adams was already arrested and charged with stealing an idea from an episode of Six Feet Under.
Melissa went on to pull all of our dicks, “This is real. Jeremy’s still in shock. He was very scared. People don’t understand that police only have one of the guys in custody. There are still two suspects out there. We’re very scared. I just hope this never happens to them. Police told us this is the new thing to do down here (Ed note: The police didn't tell them that)... rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more.
We’re working with police to get the other two guys behind bars. Brandon Adams has already given a partial confession. As a woman and as a mother, I just want these people behind bars.”
Oh, and about that "mother" part. Melissa and Jeremy lost custody of their son Lyrik, because they named him Lyrik. No, they lost custody because of their addiction to the bad shit. Surprise, surprise.
This whole shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier. But what's even crazier is that this is my 4th post about Jeremy London! It's as if someone kidnapped me in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box and forced me to write about him over and over again. I wish they would force me to smoke crack instead. Oh, well. Maybe next time since this is the new thing.
And the detectives on this case should really investigate as to whether Melissa is in fact a plastic ventriloquist's dummy made by the makers of the Real Doll (SPOILER ALERT: She is).
And here's a nekkid ass nekkid Lady CaCa on the cover of Rolling Stone looking like the Dutch Boy in drag as a porn version of Tank Girl.
Vanilla Gorilla's dick is probably giving the Hitler salute to this wreck, because this is a Swastika away from completely looking like one of Boobshit McGee's old poses.
And whoever ran this mess through the Photoshop machine needs to come up to the podium to accept their award for pasting Cartman's bare nalgas on Lady CaCa.
Outside of a restaurant in Milan the other night, Morgan Freeman just couldn't contain his desire to kiss and nipple-grab Matthew McConaughey. Git it, pepaw! Git on that bitch as if he was your step-granddaughter!
Down in Anna Wintour's dungeon this morning, her and Andre Leon Talley are wrapping up a Tim Gunn voodoo doll in poly-blend rayon (to Anna that's the equivalent of burning him alive) while interns dance around them while holding burning JcPenney catalogs, because Tim is spitting up all their secrets in his new book.
Page Six reports that in Tim's newest book "Gunn's Golden Rules", he writes all about Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley's ridiculous ways. First up is his encounter with Anna Wintour at a fashion show back in 2006:
"I was with a colleague from Parsons, and we had been discussing the will-she-or-won't-she-take-the-elevator question, so we ran over to the elevator bay to see if Anna would deign to get on. She wasn't there. Then we looked over the stairway railing. And what did we see but Anna being carried down the stairs. The bodyguards had made a fireman's lock and were racing her from landing to landing. She was sitting on their crossed arms.
I ran to the window to see if they would put her down on the sidewalk or carry her to the car like that. They carried her to the car. And I thought: I will never for get this."
The top of Tim's head looks like Anderson Cooper's silvery field of nutsack hair, so he would never tell a lie, but something about this story doesn't make sense to me. There's no way Anna Wintour would let a pair of peon hands touch her. Even if the pair of hands were wearing gloves made out of leathery skin from Donatella Versace's inner thighs.
Anna was probably being carried on a throne made of the bones of her past interns while 12-year-old models threw silk Hermes scarves around her. Either that or Andre Leon Talley just stuffed her between his ass cheeks before he walked down the stairs since she weighs about as much as one of Tori Spelling's kidney stones.
And speaking of ALT, here's Tim's little queef on the Priestess of the Pucker:
"When we return to the green room, we see that someone has spread a translucent barber's bib over Andre and he's reclining, his arms at his sides. He's being fed grapes and cubes of cheese one by one, like a bird in a nest."
And the problem with this is....? ALT's wrists are much too fragile and precious to handle chocolate covered Double Downs and bacon-wrapped balls of fried mink (you know it wasn't grapes and cubes of cheese).
That being said, Tim Gunn needs to give us more of this. I would rather him whisper it into my ear as I run my fingers through his platinum follicles, but reading it in a book works for me too.
Chris Klein was thrown into a jail cell last week after he was arrested on suspicion of DUI in L.A.. When Chris gave fellatio to a Breathalyzer, it registered his blood alcohol level as .20. And animal rights groups are also shaking their fists at his ass (sounds sexy, but it ain't), because Chris' dog was in the car with him at the time.
In Chris' defense, his dog was supposed to be his designated driver, but then that bitch got drunk too. Don't you hate when that happens?
Anyways, Chris' rep has announced to People that he is drying out at Cirque Lodge in rehab since he's got nothing else to do. The spokeswhore said this:
"After recent events, Chris was forced to take a clear look at a problem he has been trying to deal with himself for years. He understands now that he can not beat this disease alone.
He thanks everyone for their support as he takes all the necessary steps to deal with his addiction and asks for privacy while doing so."
Asks for privacy? Why is Chris putting a "Do Not Disturb" sign on his door when nobody was planning to knock anyway? That's not true. I'm sure Suri knocked and then slipped a Narconon pamphlet under his door. She gets a pair of heels for every new recruit she brings in.