Before a concert in Glendale, Arizona the other day, Justin Bieber was almost attacked by a mob of crazed girls, so naturally he escaped by jumping on a Segway and zooming upstream. You were wrong in thinking that The Lesbeaver only travels in a baby walker. They grow up so fast.
This is the thing, I get a cramp in my side and run out of breath when I change the channel too fast and I could probably catch Justin Bieber on his Segway. Either those girls barely learned how to walk 10 minutes before this or they just love running around while screeching like a hyena getting waxed.
Maybe they are running like the pavement is made of banana peels, because they have no idea what to do with Justin Bieber once they catch him. Braid his luscious locks? Entertain him with a rattle? Or just scream at him until his ears fall off. Definitely the latter.
If you've ever wondered who buys the used Walmart brand lingerie in the 1lb for $1 bin at the Salvation Army, you now have your answer! The Annual Harley Rendezvous was held this past weekend and it's still the place where elegance and grace go for inspiration. It's like a Hogan family reunion produced by Jerry Springer.
The Harley Rendezvous is like the Gathering of the Juggalos' refined aunt who is such a lady that she wears lace panties under her spandex chaps and makes sure all the dildos are clean before she puts them in the children's sandbox bucket hanging off of her stirrup chair.
Are you taking notes, because I know you've been doing things ALL WRONG. You've been wearing poly-blend panties under spandex chaps and and not washing the dildos you put in the bucket hanging off your stirrup chair. And I know you've been going straight topless instead of painting a cartoon character over your titties like a true lady does. It's a good thing the charming flowers of the Harley Rendezvous are here to teach you how to carry yourself like an aristocrat. Henry Higgins who?!
You can see more pictures of this wondrous event at Cityrag.
Marc Jacobs' ex-fiance Lorenzo Martone confirmed last week that they are no longer spending their nights together doing 500 crunches (foreplay) before painstakingly plucking out the long hairs on their beard to keep that shit looking as manicured as Norwood Young's hairline. Lorenzo claims that his relationship with Marc ended around two months ago. Gatecrasher reports that Lorenzo didn't even let the Marc Jacobs brand saliva on his nipple dry before he started bumping nalgas with Lance Bass. Lorenzo and I obviously go to the same church since we both believe that life is too short to let your no-no go cold.
For the past few months, Lance and Lorenzo have been seen out on several dates around NYC and Miami. One of Lance's friends says that the two are dating, but doesn't think they are going to last very long. The friend said that Lorenzo is trying to get serious, but Lance isn't exactly creaming at the mouth about their relationship, because he likes them "younger and prettier."
Younger and prettier?! I need to update my files, because I was under the impression that if you are Brazilian, have a peen and can crack a hazelnut with your bicep, Lance will find a way to fit you into his briefs. I guess not. But Lance is not right for the "younger and prettier" thing. I mean, does Lance remember this:
How soon Lance forgets that he once looked like the postmature love child of Rosie O'Donnell and Kelli Carpenter.
RPattz just isn't the same without hair that looks like it's trying to kiss a rainbow with its tips - ICYDK
Michael Cera as Captain America - Lainey Gossip
R.I.P. Maury Chaykin - Washington Post
There has to be an "Oliver Stone and Mel Gibson walk into temple together..." joke somewhere in here - The Superficial
What in the name of Poison Ivy's hooker cousin is Katy Perry wearing? - Hollywood Tuna
The Kardashian Factory pushes yet another out onto the ho stroll - Egotastic!
American Idol's Ian Benardo is still a mess that not even Kevin Costner can clean up - Towleroad
Diddy's butt plug polisher performing in St. Tropez (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
I wonder what Whoopi Goldberg has to say about this - Celebitchy
Skull cake! I don't know whether I want to throw a vat of holy water at it or make out with it - The Chive
Adriana Lima's sexyface looks more like a someonejustcutoneface - Popoholic
Ke$ha must get all her manufactured quotes from Skynyrd groupies - Just Jared
Guy Ritchie enjoys a life sans Vadge - Popsugar
Nasty Nastia at Planet Hollywood! - Moe Jackson
When I first saw the picture on the left I thought to myself, "What kind of foolery is Miss Jay up to now?!" - Necole Bitchie
IN THIS ECONOMY, ScarJo is trying to save money by cutting her own hair with her feet - SOW
In related news, the City of New York just announced that the Stock Exchange will be closed for the rest of the week so it can be properly fumigated - I'm Not Obsessed
Follow Justin Timberlake's nose job - Cityrag
My bowels are already full with enough pictures of Mel Gibson to last me until my next movement, so I thought I'd switch things up by putting a picture of a baby kangaroo in his place! If you are really having a major craving for Mel's image, go into your office bathroom and find a floater. CRAVE SCRATCHED!
But you don't need to do that since this baby kangaroo is all you really need. When you've got too much Mel in your head, just stare into this baby kangaroo's adorable eyes. Actually......that baby kangaroo is kind of giving me a smirk like he wants a blow in the Jacuzzi. Damn Mel! Mel has to infiltrate everything that is innocent and beautiful with his gutter nastiness! DAMN MEL TO THE ROSE GARDEN! Ugh. Let's just get to the Mel news already:
Mel was not drunk on holy water and vodka during his recorded rants: TMZ's sources claim that Mel was not under the influence of anything mind-altering during his tirade against OctoSana. They say that Mel hasn't had a sip of the sweet nectar since SugarTitsGate '06. So Mel is just naturally high on the crazy!
Mel buried the placenta in the rose garden: Right before Mel yacked up his rage on OctoSana over the phone, the two took part in a tree ceremony in his backyard. They planted a fir tree in honor of their daughter Lucia and also threw the placenta in there. Apparently, it's tradition in some parts of Australia to bury the placenta.
TMZ claims that during the ceremony the gardener said something (example: I'd like to bury my fir tree in your garden) which made OctoSana smile. That was Mel's cue to erupt into a shit storm of jealous lunacy. Mel accused OctoSana of wanting to bone the gardener. Then Mel stuck his head in the dirt, brought the placenta out with his teeth, ripped it to shreds and then chased everyone around the backyard.
And that's that for now! Since I already tainted the baby kangaroo picture above, here's a video for you to cleanse your soul with. There's no way I can dirty up this magical video of a baby kangaroo staring at a butterfly. Actually, that butterfly does have a smirk on its face like....I'll stop.
Selena Gomez is not going to let a little thing called Nofuckingvoiceitis get in the way of promoting the missile that is attacking my kindergarten years, so she brought this speech device thing to her interview with George Lopez. When George asked Selena a question, she hit a button and the "Press 0 to speak to a customer service representative" lady spit out her pre-programmed answer.
That robot lady is the hardest working bitch in the game. I mean, I'm pretty sure she sang the vocals for Money Can't Buy You Class.
If Hulk Hogan cracked open his fortune cookie chichi (or is that a bloated Pac-Man with a wart on his chin?), he would find these words of wisdom: "CONFUCIUS SAYS, DON'T EVEN TRY IT, ASSHOLE!" It's safe to say that we all co-sign that shit. Radar is saying that Hulk Hogan is working with infomercial king Kevin Harrington on a new hand cleanser made from pumice.
Hulk's lawyer says that he believes the product will turn Hulk Hogan into the new Billy Mays. Hulk's lawyer said:
“Billy’s unfortunate passing kind of left a hole. We all agree that he certainly has some big shoes to fill as far as Billy Mays is concerned, but I don’t think that any of us doubt that he has the ability to do it. We hope this is the beginning of a very long and good relationship between him and Kevin and the various products that Kevin may bring to the market. Terry brings decades’ worth of charisma and credibility to the marketplace.”
Just because Hulk looks like he uses Orange-Glo as a body lotion doesn't mean he's got the same powers Billy had. Besides, the world doesn't need a stupid hand cleanser made from pumice. If we want to get the skank off our hands, we just need to hold our palms up to one of Billy's old infomercials and let his "Miley Cyrus after gargling sand" voice scrub that shit clean. Hulk Hogan is not needed.
And will somebody please switch Hulk Hogan and White Oprah's peroxide with NAIR, because obviously the stuff they use causes extreme delusion in the brains.
The last time Fishstick Paltrow spread her oral GOOP all over a mic was for that Duets movie with Huey Lewis. Kevin Spacey is still whistling her song when he's strolling through Hampstead Heath in the middle of the night.
Anyways, Fishsticks the singer is back and this time she's slipped on her cowboy boots made from grass fed cattle to moan out the title song for her new movie Country Strong. You know after she sang that shit she washed the twang out of her mouth with a glass of distilled rain drop water collected just for her by a small tribe in the Amazon. Fishy is all cuntry!
Loretta Lynn's b-hole could blow out a catchier country song, but Fishy's voice doesn't sound that awful. Admitting that makes me feel like a dark cloud just butt fucked me without lube, so I'm going to go console myself by snuggling with my Rojo Caliente paper blanket. Yes, I made a blanket out of those pictures. Duh.
Are those security guards protecting the divine vagina at any cost? Or is it the other way around and they are protecting the Japanese public from the divine vagina, because they know its powers of hypnotism? Whatever the case may be, the security guards did their job because no fatalities, injuries, blackouts or adoptions were reported.
Here's St. Angie Jo wearing one of Morticia Addams' favorite freakum dresses to the Japanese premiere of SALT today. That dress is cut so high that you can practically see a piece of Brad Pitt's bloody nutsack hanging out. Git 'em, saint! Make Gomez throw himself in a casket and close the door for a little alone time.
And this has to be my favorite picture from the premiere. The saint throws a side-eye!
Angie looks like she just locked up Cinderella in the attic! No wonder there was an unscheduled solar eclipse in Tokyo today (No, there wasn't). The sun was trying to escape from Angie's side-eye by hiding behind the moon.