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Ellen Degeneres is following Simon Cowell and his delectable fur titties through the exit door and will not return to American Idol next season. That means Ryan Gaycrest will be the lone beautiful blonde lesbian in the building. Ellen explained it like this on her site:

A couple months ago, I let FOX and the "American Idol" producers know that this didn't feel like the right fit for me. I told them I wouldn't leave them in a bind and that I would hold off on doing anything until they were able to figure out where they wanted to take the panel next. It was a difficult decision to make, but my work schedule became more than I bargained for. I also realized this season that while I love discovering, supporting and nurturing young talent, it was hard for me to judge people and sometimes hurt their feelings. I loved the experience working on "Idol" and I am very grateful for the year I had. I am a huge fan of the show and will continue to be.

Now if the producers will just lure Paula Abdul back with the promise of installing a Vicodin vending machine in her dressing room. Specifically, an easy to use Vicodin vending machine since Paula can't even use a Pez dispenser without calling the Geek Squad. Actually, fuck American Idol. Fox should just produce a reality show about Paula Abdul trying to figure out how to work a vending machine.

Looking like she should be lying in bed while yelling at Little Edie to feed the cats, Vadge is seen here directing her movie W.E. in the South of France today. I'm not sure, but that looks like a cigarette in her hand. Doesn't smoking mess with the breathing exercises she does during daily 15-hour yogapilatesvirgineatinggyrotronic sessions?

You know, Vadge has been hanging around Taylor Momsen, the hardest bitch on the jungle gym, lately. That explains this. I swear, that Taylor Momsen is such a bad influence.

This is what Janet Charlton is saying anyway. Janet says that everybody needs to stop calling Jake Gyllenhaal "Jake Gayllenhaal" or Toothy Tile, because she has it on good authority that he doesn't like a hard peen on his tongue. According to Janet, he prefers a bong on his tongue instead. Janet says this is the real reason why his relationship with Reese Witherspoon didn't work out. From Janet:

"At last the truth comes out. An acquaintance of Reese and Jake acknowledges that they were very smitten with each other for quite awhile and seemed perfectly matched. Unfortunately, Jake had a habit that Reese could not live with, and he wouldn’t give it up. He smoked way too much. And we’re not talking nicotine here. Not only did it rub Reese the wrong way, but she worried about her children being exposed to his bad habits. So, regretfully, she moved on. Note: those of you who insist that Jake is gay are NUTS."

NUTS? Kind of like what Jake likes on his.....Okay, I'll shut my fingers about that already! No more of that shit. Janet would never tell a lie, so I will update my files to say that Jake is straighter than a quick trip to the outhouse (copyright: some hillbilly who said that to me outside of a gas station in Tennessee)! And if Jakey ever needed a quit hit, I'd gladly let him take one off my bong. Anytime!

The Crackhead Leprechaun of Mobile, Tallulah Bankhead, Toni Tennille, Lionel Richie and Nat King Cole are all bright shining stars who all hail from Alabama. Well, add Antoine Dodson to that list! Antoine is now an overnight hero after he stopped an intruder from getting on his sister in the middle of the night.

Antoine wants everyone in Lincoln Park to hide their kids, hide their wives, hide their husbands, and hide their everything, because somebody is snatching people out of their beds. Then Antoine let his sister's attacker know how this story is going to play out. There better be a sequel to this and it better be in IMAX 3D.

And just like that, A STAR IS BORN! You can run and tell that!

(Thanks to all who sent this in)

This isn't what it looks like! Those ladies are beauticians and they are simply feathering and highlighting Bon Jovi's dick bush - Egotastic!

Gerard Butler named as the spokesman for L’Oreal's new line of topical ointments and roid cream! - Lainey Gossip

Does Cristiano Ronaldo's girlfriend realize that a hot bitch with a yellow purse is stealing the spotlight from her? - Hollywood Tuna

ANNE RICE IS NOT A CHRISTIAN-AAAAH!!! (Read that in God Warrior voice) - Towleroad

Simon Monjack left Brittany Murphy's estate dry - The Superficial

Blake Lively wearing a dress made out of placemats from the Little House on the Prairie - Popoholic

Kelly Bensimon goes jogging, stays out of traffic (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

JLove's got a new future ex-boyfriend - Celebitchy

Hehe. Steve Carell says "fuck you" to Zach Galifanakaisisiswhatever - OMG Blog

DELICIOUSNESS!!!! And I'm not talking about Orlando Bloom - Popsugar

Leonardo DiCaprio is not going to go in the Jacuzzi with Mel Gibson -ICYDK

ASkars old timey photo shoot that gives me the vapors just a little - Just Jared

JLo can't believe it's all butter - Cityrag

Business Woman out of The Real Broke Housewives of Atlanta - Crunk + Disorderly

Tara Reid better remove her skank lips from Lois Aldrin's man! - Hollywood Rag

The look on the dude's face behind Kate Hudson says it all - I'm Not Obsessed

Because Maury was booked for the week, President Obama decided to open the gate and feed the crazy hens on The View this morning. Obama said that he chose to go on The View, because it's one of the shows Michelle actually watches. But I'd like to think that Obama went on The View just to fuck with Hasselcrack.

Obviously, they talked about boring political stuff...blah...blah...blah...but then they got to the highly important news that American is really concerned with. They brought up a cokeyhead and an overcooked Ewok! Obama admitted that he knows Lindsay Lohan is locked up, but he took a page out of Mimi's Lisa Frank notebook when he said he nevah heard of Snooki.

You lieeeeeee! It was just a couple of months ago when Obama brought up Snooki's name during a speech. Yes, obviously one of his speech writers threw her name in there, but even if Obama knows who Snooki is he should never admit it. Never admit to knowing what a Snooki is. Even Willy Wonka turns his head the other way when he passes Snooki in the hallway at his factory.

But seriously, I'm sure Obama and Snooki will laugh about this when he names her Secretary of Fuckery in a couple of years.

via Jezebel

Here's Ed Westwick looking like he's about to pirouette and leap into the title role in Robin Hood: Gays in Skinny Jeans at a network event last night. Personally, I always love it when Ed Westwick shows off that he has more fur on his chest than Robin Williams has on his ass cheeks. I don't even care that he's wearing a plunging blouse from the J. Jill catalog. Bring on the chest pubes!

Speaking of pubes, is it just me or does that V-neck make it look like Ed's got the shape of an extra pointy dick head on his chest? I'd hit it. The pointy peen head on his chest, I mean.

Tom Selleck was also at the same event as Ed, but sadly he didn't rip off his shirt and challenge that trick to a hairy chest-off. Tom didn't bother, because he knew that victory would've come too easy.

On the left is Drew Carey back in January of this year, and on the other side is Larry King Drew last night at a CBS event in Beverly Hills. Drew tells UsWeekly that he pulled some John Goodman shit by losing almost 70lbs in just a few months. Drew also said that once he cuts the excess skin off his body, he will throw it in the blender with some Crayons and make it into liquid eyeshadow to spread on Mimi's beautiful lids.

The National Enquirer reported a few months ago that Drew was trying to lose weight by injecting himself appetite-suppressants, but he claims he dropped the fat by watching this video on a loop. No, he said he lost it the Star Jones way: DIET & EXERCISE! Drew said that thanks to a cardio program, he is now diabetes free! Drew said, "My fiancee has a 5-year old, and wow, I'd love to see him graduate. I'd love to be able play with him without getting tired, enjoy my life and watch him grow."

Who knew that when you peeled several layers off of Drew Carey, you'd find Pat O'Brien's long lost brother underneath! Seriously, I'm almost expecting Drew to ask me if I want to get some coke and hire some strippers. The answer is yes, by the way.

At yesterday's Hollywood Foreign Press Association Luncheon in Beverly Hills, Nicole Kidman showed up with her hair covered in ginge! Yes, I'm sure Nicole's weave was yanked out of a dozen Anne of Green Gables dolls, but it's still ginge so I'll take what I can get.

And for the first time in a long time, guests at the party didn't throw salt water on her lips after thinking that mutant slugs were attacking her mouth. So maybe Nicole eased up on her nightly ritual of injecting Antifreeze into her lips. Although, one guest did try to chip off a piece of Nicole's forehead to put in their cocktail....

Katie Price thinks that Harvey, Princess Tiamamameckaleckahimeckahineyho and Junior should all send her and Peter Andre thank you notes for making them the luckiest children ever by getting divorced. They aren't lucky because they no longer have to listen to the loud slurping noises Katie made when she ate on Peter's ass. No, Katie says that they are lucky because they now get twice as many presents and vacations!

On This Morning Katie told the hosts, “I think it’s probably good I split with Pete when they were so young. I was about their age when my parents got divorced and I can’t even remember it, so hopefully they won’t either. They’re lucky really, all kids with divorced parents are lucky because they get extra Christmas presents and trips out and two sets of birthday presents.”

At first I thought Katie had a point, and then I went to peek into the treasure box filled with all the presents my dad bought me after my parents divorced. Guess what? It was fucking empty! The only thing my dad ever got me was a stupid acid washed jean jacket from Miller's Outpost. I lost that shit the next day during gymnastics lessons at SCATS. Yes, I lost the jacket in a place called SCATS. Symbolism.

My mom pretty much worked until her hand bones cracked into a million pieces just so she could buy us presents at Christmas times, so I really hope my lost acid wash jean jacket somehow ends up on Katie's doorstep. Then I hope Harvey takes that jacket and shoves it in Katie's mouth! And once he does that, Harvey should take Katie to the plastic surgeon's office. I'm pretty sure that during her last boob job, the plastic surgeon put the silicone bag in the wrong tit. He put it in the tit on her neck instead of the tit on her chest.

via Metro