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Cross out "Guantanamo Bay" on your protest signs and write "Lynwood Correctional Center" in its place, because that's where the real suffering is going on! White Oprah is speaking out against the harsh conditions her child is facing in jail. Abnormal Rae said that her daughter Lindsay Lohan doesn't even have a pillow or a cell phone in jail!!!!! And she's being treated like a COMMON CRIMINAL!!!!!! Ha. Nana Lohan should really fight the urge to pop White Oprah's double bubble of delusion with her knitting needle, because this is comedy at its finest.

White Oprah took a break from organizing the Million Crackhead March to speak to Radar about the injustice happening at Lynwood:

“She doesn’t have cell phone privileges, that’s absurd. She doesn’t even have a pillow to sleep on. I talk to her through glass. There’s a phone and we put her on speaker but I can’t even hug my daughter. She’s treated like a common criminal.”

“I have to say that the people inside have been pretty cool to her…the guards and the inmates. We’re all so happy that this is finally coming to a close. When this first happened, we were all hysterical messes. But I’m so proud of Lindsay, she’s been so strong and positive, even under what I consider to be a extremely harsh punishment.”

Translation: "My daughter is being treated like everybody else in jail AND THAT IS WRONG! They don't even have an on-staff spray tanner!"

The best part is that White Oprah notarizes every single shit nugget of delusion that jumps off her tongue. She really believes in what she's saying. I keep expecting White Oprah to rip her mask off revealing that she's really Jennifer Coolidge and this is all just a part of Christopher Guest's newest mockumentary. But no, this is real.

I want to tell White Oprah to raise her fist high for her cause and then shove it up her asshole, but I don't want that. White Oprah's quotes are much too magical and I can't get enough.

"We're here! We're high! Get used to it!" - White Oprah while protesting outside of Lynwood this weekend

Ryan Gaycrest no longer has to squirt WD-40 into Kara DioGodjuststopalready's locked jaw before every show, because word is that the American Idol producers have put all her shit on the curb. TMZ says that the producers have told Kara "We quit you, BITCH" and so she's following Ellen Degeneres out the door.

Apparently, JLo and Steven Tyler are saddling up, because they are the next bitches to ride the dead horse. TMZ's source claims that next season's judges will be Randy Jackson, JLo and Steven Tyler.

Watching Kara Diowhatever was about as much fun as getting a prostate exam from Edward Scissorhands (Actually, besides the fact that your asshole would like an open faced Philly Cheesesteak afterwards, getting a prostate exam from sessy Edward Scissorhands wouldn't be that bad.), so I'm glad that she's gone. Every time she opened her mouth, I just wanted to throw a wrench in there so her gears would get stuck. But replacing her with JLo? JLO! JLo should be a judge on Tone Deaf Idol, not American Idol.

And I'm all about Steven Tyler as a judge. Wherever there's a trainwreck, you will ALWAYS find Steven Tyler there with a conductor's hat on his head. This should be good.

Sorry, Justin Beiber, but even holding a gun, you're still just an embryo. - jazzfish_77

Runners-up:

Pretty Woman 2: Gerbil's Revenge - AgentM

2010s upgrade on Dick in a box...fool in a ball. - El Bastardo

Unable to cope with impending obscurity, one of Heidi Montag's implants takes desperate measures for a spread in "Guns and Ammo" magazine. - Helluva HeLa

via Crewcial

You know this was coming. It is my duty to officially pay tribute and bow down to the new Hero of Huntsville, Antoine Dodson! In case you haven't fed your soul with a piece of Antoine, click here to see the message he left on a local news broadcast for the dude who tried to attack his younger sister before he jumped in and saved the night. If Mushu from Mulan could actually scare bitches with his fiery breathe, he would be just like Antoine Dodson.

Below is Antoine's second interview where he gives a complete description of the dumb fuck fool who messed with the wrong one. I could curl up on Antoine's front law and listen to him all day.

Kate Bush (52)
Diana Vickers (19)
Jaime Pressley (33)
Sandra Diaz-Twine from Survivor (36)
Hilary Swank (36)
Elvis Crespo (39)
Tom Green (39)
Christine Taylor (39)
Christopher Nolan (40)
Simon Baker (41)
Terry Crews (42)
Vivica A. Fox (46)
Lisa Kudrow (47)
Alton Brown (48)
Laurence Fishburne (49)
Richard Linklater (50)
Delta Burke (54)
Ken Olin (56)
Frank Stallone (60)
Jean Reno (62)
Arnold Schwarzenegger (63)
Paul Anka (69)
Peter Bogdanovich (71)