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Jared Leto is turning "fighting the hot" into an art form - Just Jared

These LeAnn Rimes bikini pictures will make you squint as hard as she is - Egotastic!

Vadge is still slowly sucking the youth of Baby Jesus. And right in front of Jay-Z! - Lainey Gossip

The answers to a shit load of blind items (Example: Barry Zito eats his own dick leche) - CDAN

Suri Cruise could beat all those amateurs - Towleroad

JWoww's line of ho shit wear for all the day-shift hookers and strippers out there - Hollywood Rag

Who in the name of all things nasty would eat a rhino horn? Well, apparently Elle Macpherson has and does - Celebitchy

CoCo is just a refined lady who lunches - ICYDK

RPattz and Reese Witherspoon kissing on set. I don't think I need to say it, but I still will: "Reese, you in danger, girl" - Popsugar

And Goldie Hawn will simply call him "Boyfriend #123,657" - I'm Not Obsessed

Pam from The Office got married in real life - Popbytes

Heather Mills finally gets some action - Holy Moly!

Gay Fish must have released Amber Rose from her contract, because now she's trying to get a job as Reggie Bush's main piece - Necole Bitchie

This looks like MC Hammer's old pants, Jessica Simpson's infamous mom jeans and Baby Huey's giant diaper all mutated into one and attached itself to Gwen Stefani's body. The fuck is this?! Unless you're suffering from a violent case of the wet shits and can blow at any moment, those jeans are not the look.

At least Kingston is showing us that someone in that family knows how to put a WTF ensemble together the right way.

Cristiano Ronaldo has kept his charbroiled lips shut since announcing on his Facebook that he is the proud single father of a newborn baby. Crispy crossed his spicy Slim Jim legs and refused to spit out anymore details. But the Portuguese newspaper Diario de Noticias (via Daily Mail) claims they have a few more facts on Crispy's secret baby. Let's see what they brought to class:

Rumor #1: Cristiano hired an American surrogate from San Diego to carry his orange baby

Rumor #2: The baby boy was born on June 17th while Crispy was competing at World Cup in South Africa. He traveled to San Diego on June 29th immediately after Portugal was eliminated from World Cup.

Rumor #3: Cristiano has named his son Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro. Ronaldo is Cristiano's middle name.

Rumor #4(from a different source): Crispy didn't use a surrogate. The baby was the result of a one-night fuck he had in America. He paid her off to stay quiet.

Okay, I know the whole "paid surrogate" thing is giving you visions of Cristiano and Ricky Martin pushing baby strollers together under a flock of unicorns prancing over a rainbow*, but can we focus on what really matters here.....like the baby name.

Up until a few minutes ago, I didn't know Crispy's last name isn't Ronaldo. So I threw him a few "Is the grease clogging the pores on your scalp?" look thinking that he named his kid Ronaldo Ronaldo. That shit is an unfortunate stutter.

"Ronaldo Ronaldo" just doesn't bump a hip into my soul the way "Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro" does. Let's call him Baby Santo Dios for short.

* Truthery. I think I'm the only mammal on this planet who doesn't think Cristiano Ronaldo is full gay (bi, maybe). Yes, I'll turn my Gaydar into the Geek Squad for repair.

At the BET Awards last week, Alicia Keys threw her pregnant ass on top of a piano and crawled on that shit like she was Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys. And on Saturday night at the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans, Alicia busted on her nalgas while performing in heels. Okay, this is a sign that Alicia needs to sit her shit down before she gives her unborn fetus vertigo. That poor fetus is probably dizzy as all fuck! Alicia should at least stick a Dramamine up her cooch before performing.

But seriously, I don't know why Alicia wants to stand up anyways. Standing is overrated. Being pregnant gives you a good excuse for sitting at all times. When bitches see a baby belly on a crowded train, that's their cue to stand up and offer their seat. That is a beautiful power. So Alicia should take advantage of that while she still can.

I mean, if I was Alicia, this would be me at all times:

Although, I don't think Burger King girl above is pregnant with a baby. I think she's just permanently pregnant with laziness. I should use that one from now on.

via Concrete Loop

Raquel Welch is an ageless goddess perfectly carved from a bronzer stick and she can do no wrong, so I'm not sure how this tragic situation happened to her at the opening of The Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia on Friday. AND Raquel is a master wig mistress so we all expect her to always be at the top of her wig game! That wig looks like it's trying to pry itself off of her hairline so it can quietly find the nearest exit. We know that's not what it's trying to do since we'd all chew our own nipples off in order to sit on Raquel's head.

Where was the Beyonce in Raquel's life to blend that mess and secure it with wig saliva (aka glue)? I mean, why is Raquel making it so easy for her enemies to snatch her wig off?! WIGS BETTER ROLL for this shit!

That being said, Raquel's exquisite lip liner looks like it was applied by the hand of Renoir.

Jessica Simpson, the wide receiver for Papa Joe's 69ers, and Eric Johnson, the former tight end for the 49ers, have reportedly been bumping fuck parts since May. TMZ has it on good authority (hint: Papa Joe slipped a note under Harvey Levin's protein shake at the gym) that Jessica and Eric are "very happy." Eric used to be married, but he filed for divorce from his wife this past February.

Ken Paves is probably sick of Chestica crashing his dates by showing up on his door with an Entenmann's cake and a SATC box set. So for the sake of Ken Paves' expertly bleached b-hole, I hope this new relationship works out for her so it gives that bitch someone to do. And it will work if Eric doesn't mind it too much when Papa Joe stares at Chestica's chichis while slowly licking the butter on a kaiser roll during dinner. Hopefully, Eric is okay with being the Marilyn of that crazy family.

Here's Chestica Spanxing for her life with creepy Papa Joe at the opening of the Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia on Friday.

The TV Hat (Alternate Name: The Ass Hat)

Now I finally know what to get one of my uncles for Christmas. Thanks to the TV Hat, dude no longer has to plug his living room TV into the longest extension cord and wheel that shit to the front yard to watch it on hot days when he doesn't want to pay for air conditioning. With the TV Hat, he can lounge on his front patio couch without straining his arms. Although, he's going to need an iPod to operate this mess, so he's on his own with that one.

The TV Hat is also perfect for when you just want to spend your day at work tickling your genitals while watching porn. Just throw the TV Hat on top of your head, drape your body with a Snuggie and throw a DO NOT DISTURB sign over the front of your cubicle. The TV Hat's flaps will muffle your fuck moans (or your cries of embarrassment from wearing a TV Hat). If your boss asks about it, just say you have a medical condition (examples: chronic insanity or a fluorescent lights allergy). You can't argue with a medical condition.

Here's the infomercial for the TV Hat, which I'm pretty sure isn't a hoax. Hopefully, the makers of the TV Hat will also release an Internet Hat, so I never have to deal with live people in real-life again!

via Buzzfeed

Katherine Helmond (82)
Eva Green (30)
Róisín Murphy (37)
RZA (41)
Kathryn Erbe (44)
Edie Falco (47)
Marc Cohn (51)
Huey Lewis (60)
Judge Joe Brown (63)
Paul Smith (64)
Robbie Robertson (67)
Shirley Knight (74)

(Image via Flickr)