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Sometimes a video comes along that just makes you want to lock the chain on your door and call in sick. This might be one of those videos. It's True Blood's Alexander Skarsgard partaking in some drunken dry ass play with his "Beyond The Pole" (I'll fucking say) co-star Rhys Thomas. It's like a frat boy party meets a Calvin Klein ad circa 1995 meets a fangerbaner's wet daydream.

ASkars exposes his Swedish nipples before trying to awaken Rhys' no-no with a faux ass much. Rhys is trying to act all giggly, but you know he got the twitches at least once.

This is obviously some marketing shit, but at least it's marketing shit that plays to all my senses. Enough of me, roll that beautiful bean footage already:

Visit My New Plaid Pants if you need screencaps to make a collage to hang on your bedroom ceiling.

(Thanks Maimo)

This A-lister comes off as a cool customer, but behind closed doors she stresses out about everything. Her partner’s been telling her to do what he does when he’s stressed — get stoned! She hasn’t taken his advice yet, but everyone wishes she would. (Star Magazine via Blind Gossip)

St. Angie and Billy Goat Brad? And who is this "everyone"? Don't tell me Maddox is looking at his mom like, "You need a blunt, girl."

This Blind Item deals with a female judge or host on a reality show. She absolutely cannot stand her boss who is a big-time network exec. Both have clashed egos more than once, but it wasn’t always that way. When the two first met, they flirted terribly, leading to a one night stand. After that, things went sour and the two create terrible tension behind the scenes of the show. The other judges/cast/crew/etc. are often caught in the middle and everyone is hoping to get rid of this female judge next season. Not Sharon Osbourne. (BuzzFoto)

"Female judge" conjured up portraits of my favorite judge ever Judge Mablean. Then it started to get a little weird when I pictured Judge Mablean humping on her boss while ticking his ass with her gavel. My real guess is Kara Diostfunow and Simon Fuller from American Idol? Or Mia Michaels and Nigel Lythgoe from SYTYCD (HA!) ?

This A list singer/writer/musician is working on a secret documentary. Nothing really juicy. More like his impression of the world. In every city he goes to, he puts on a disguise, goes downtown, and plays music on a street corner and asks for money. He plays his songs but does nothing to let people know it is him. It all gets filmed. No one really pays attention to him or even thinks he is anything special. He then films himself on stage in front of 25,000 people singing the same song and the crowd reaction. (CDAN)

I just hope this is John Tesh, because the world really needs a John Tesh documentary. Or Michael Bolton.

Which Hollywood couple are failing to convince people that they’re the new power couple in town? It’s been a long time since one of her films has scored, whereas her intended is on the way up. He was convinced into this PR made match but he’s having massive second thoughts. You can see the actress being dumped yet again – perhaps even before she gets to the altar this time. (Popbitch)

Squinty Zellweger and Bradley Cooper? Poor Squinty. Why do her boyfriends keep shaving her off their faces?!

Here's Russell Brand, the former prostatetute who was tamed by Katy Perry's chichis, on the NYC set of the remake of Arthur. Russell has snatched the title from Dudley Moore. The rest of the cast includes Jennifer Garner, Helen Mirren and Nick Nolte.

I don't know about this mess. Judging by his costume, it looks like Arthur got an Annie Hall Easter makeover by one of the Jonas Brothers. Although, at least our asses know that Arthur 2.0 dresses to the right.

Ever since Mel Gibson called a lady officer "Sugar Tits" and told a Jewish officer that his people are what is wrong with this world, The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has been silently waiting in the dark for the chance to jump his ass. Well, their chance has come. UsWeekly reports that the Sheriff's Department has started a file on Mel Gibson entitled: "Revenge Is A Sugar-Tittied Bitch."

They are investigating Oksana Grigorieva's claims that Mel exorcised his crazy all over her by beating on her several times. A rep for the Sheriff's Department had this to say:

"We opened an investigation into allegations and those do involved domestic violence and other things. We did our first interview on Monday and the investigation is on-going. When it is compete, we will turn it over to the District Attorney just like we do in any case. We take these allegations seriously and we are moving ahead. It will be a thorough and exacting (investigation). The DA will be the ultimate purveyor of what will happen."

While I do think that Mel seems about as pleasant as 7 minutes in heaven with a bear trap, I will refrain from stamping a "GUILTY" label on top of his forehead until concrete evidence comes out. What am I going about on? He's Mel Gibson! That's all the evidence we need. Throw him in general population and air it live on webcam! Not since the Shiba Inu puppy cam....

Guess who? Hint: She doesn't wear pearl necklaces anymore - WOW Report or The Frisky

It was so hot in NYC yesterday that I pretty much wore the same outfit as Ashley Greene (sans camisole) - Egotastic!

How much do you want to bet that this is probably one of the first times Fishsticks Paltrow has been in her kitchen - Lainey Gossip

Jeremy London should write comedy - The Superficial

"Mirror, mirror....who's the plasticiest of them all?" - Hollywood Tuna

Where's the red lipstick?????!!!!? (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kelly Bensimon is just crazy period - Celebitchy

MiserAlba looks pretty (served with only 2% sarcasm) - Popoholic

Drew Barrymore on Elle - Just Jared

#nobodycares - ICYDK

A novela star comes out as a gayelle. ESCANDALO (not really) - Towleroad

Coop from Nurse Jackie is shirtless...and I still would a zillion times over - Popsugar

JLove in 2010's answer to Co-Ed Call Girl - I'm Not Obsessed

Arrested Development Transformed - Cityrag

Dita Von Teese brings le nalgas out for Gaultier - Holy Moly!

JLove's memaw can't get enough of the popcorn scrimps and cheese bread - Hollywood Rag

RPattz and a puppy friend - SOW

Shawn Chapman Holley no longer has any pubic follicles to pull out in frustration, so she has decided to finally put herself out of her misery by dropping the crazy off at the nearest gutter. TMZ says that they called Shawn Chapman Holley's office to get a comment on something, but they were told that she's no longer representing Lindsay Lohan.

They found out that LiLo has already hired the esteemed law offices of Scooby Doo. No, LiLo has hired Tiffany Feder-Cohen, a lawyer who was just admitted to the bar last year. And I'm guessing that in about a week, Tiffany will be hitting the other kind of bar any chance she gets to deal with LiLo's delusions of crackery. Case in point, TMZ says that LiLo is already planning to appeal Judge Marsha's 90-day in jail sentence.

When I first read this mess, I was really hoping that White Oprah would represent LiLo in court from now on. The court would have to accept the "Official Certificate To Practice Important Legal Stuff" White Oprah printed off the internet. This whole saga has really been missing White Oprah in a serious business woman's suit. "I object on the ground..." No, I mean White Oprah would literally object while on the ground because she'd be so fucked up from the night before.

FINALLY! Here's an edition of "This Is Our Future" that should give all of us hope. When we're all drowning in White Oprah's non-stop delusions, we can calmly close our eyes for the last time knowing that the future will be filled with magical things like blonde mullets, German Pet Shop Boy impersonators, lip-synching Statute of Liberties and a chorus of dancing football players. Yes, the future is going to be every color of gay in the Gayola box. YAY!

(Thanks Kari)

For those of you looking for the perfect appetizer to give to your guests before serving them a canned whole chicken, I present to you The Candwich! The Candwich currently comes in three flavors (barf, barfier, and barfiest) and even includes a candy surprise. Hopefully, this candy surprise they are talking about will cleanse your mouth after you vomit up The Candwich into the can near your desk (coming soon: Canvom).

Not only is canned shit going to be a popular item in the Spears household (Leave her alone, making a simple 3-ingredient sandwich is hard), but this should also be in every single natural disaster kit right next to the dusty can of peas and space blanket. Because when you're sitting on a giant pile of rubble that used to be your house, nothing will make you feel worse like biting into a shit-flavored corn syrup sammy. You might as well take that FML feeling all the way over the edge.

Source: Eater via Buzzfeed

Not Eddie Monsoooooon! AbFab's Jennifer Saunders, the woman I would give my last drop of vodka to if she asked for it, has been battling breast cancer for the past 8 months. Don't run down to the university to get that bitch troll Saffy to open up a can of heartache just yet, because the BBC reports that Jennifer has been told by her doctors that the cancer is in remission after undergoing months of treatment.

Jennifer was recently seen at Wimbledon wearing a bandana and a wig. This caused a few nosy hos to start speculating shit.

Jennifer's rep said she won't talk about it and never will, so just leave the "Get better, sweetie darling" card from Lacroix on her doorstep and keep walking.

You're going to have to throw away the brow tweezers you got engraved with the name "Ronaldo" on it, because apparently that's not what Cristiano Ronaldo named his 1-month-old son. Cristiano's sister tells The Daily Telegraph that Crispy has given his son the name Cristiano Jr. I guess Cristianojesty was already taken. Crispy's sister said:

"The baby is doing very well. We are looking after him while Cristiano is away. He's called Cristiano just like his dad. "Cristiano chose the name but we like it. He looks like his father and like me. He has the same eyes. We don’t know the mother, we never met her."

It makes sense that Cristiano Jr. is named Cristiano Jr. I mean, Crispy Sr. has already hired Mimi's airbrusher to paint 6-pack abs on Crispy Jr. so his son can have a situation just like him! Crispy Sr. has already ordered a custom-made spray tanning playpen so that his son have a perfect "5-month-old orange left in the back of the fridge" complexion just like him! And Crispy Sr. has already already bought a pacifier that squirts lip gloss so that his son can have precious shiny lips just like him. So of course he's going to name his son after himself!

Here's more of Crispy Sr. flaunting his ebony toe nails while on vacation in NYC with his girlfriend. Before you start going on about how Crispy Sr. should be at home in Portugal with his new baby, think for a minute. Crispy Jr. is obviously not ready yet.. Do you really expect Crispy Sr. to spend an extended amount of time with a pasty baby with non-plucked brows?!