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FINALLY! The video of Steven Slater's "I Quit This Bitch" slide to beautiful freedom! Too bad it's not as magical as it could be. I blame that shit blocking the camera. - NBC New York

Stephanie Miller comes out as a gayelle!- SheWired

RPattz and Kristen Stewart aaaaaaalmost kissing! Does this mean we're all going to drown in Twihard panty cream soon? - Popsugar

Brit Brit giving us "fresh trailer park flower running to the WIC office before they close" - Lainey Gossip

Fred Armisen and Elisabeth Moss might have quit each other - Life & Style

I read this headline as "Kelly LeBrock in Playboy" and it got me excited for a quick second - Egotastic!

And here's Hilary Swank in a two-piece. Since she gets nominated for sneezing, the Academy will probably find a way to give her an Oscar for this - The Superficial

All about Steven Slater - Towleroad

Wino takes her drunk baby head titties out for a walk in London - Hollywood Tuna

Christina Hendricks' DayGlo chichis in GQ (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

White Oprah is just...um...I don't even know anymore - Celebitchy

I don't hate any of these animals either - The Chive

The sight of a shirtless George Clooney isn't what it used to be, but I still would - Popsugar

When are we going to see Ke$hit and John Travolta in the same room, because I'm still not convinced that they aren't the same person - Moe Jackson

Michael Lohan thinks White Oprah needs rehab. The truth is, we all need rehab from the Lohans. They can stay out here. - I'm Not Obsessed

Chuck Bass looking like a sour peach Creamsicle - Hollywood Rag

In "This Hasn't Happened Yet?" News: Miley Cyrus wants to get a titty job - ICYDK

Own the house where Harvey Price told Peter Andre to FUCK OFF - Holy Moly!

This Corgi knows how to belly flop (not a Snooki post) - Cityrag

As the Vampire King of Germany, Kunty Karl, and his sessy human Baptiste Giabiconi strut their asses through St. Tropez, I'll be trying to emulate their strut on a beach in Jersey (not Snooki's neck of the stroll). Although, I won't be doing it in shorty shorts like Baptiste's since that could be considered disturbing the peace.

So anymycrabswillgetnewfriends, posting will be much slower than usual since my ass will be taking a long weekend. Things will be back to normal on Tuesday!

On Tosh.0 the other night, Daniel Tosh tried to control the rumble of desire brewing in his no-no while he rubbed his hands all over Carrot Top's piping hot carcass. Daniel tried to act like his nipple holes weren't about to blow steam, but we all know that finger banging Carrot Top's chichi crevice and massaging those freckled ass dumplings would take almost anybody over the top.

Okay, if Carrot Top isn't your (aka everybody but me) thing, but watching Paula Deen in the kitchen is, then this clip will still work for you. Because it sorts of looks like Daniel is slathering butter all over a giant roasted pork butt.

And when you give Carrot Bottom a rubdown, you're the one who gets the happy ending. Or is that you're the one who gets a lifetime phobia to orange squash with an abnormal number of warts?

(Thanks Lauren)

Yes, this is a vintage photo of Camille Donatacci Grammer back when she made eyeballs swirl with her totally awesome radical dance moves on Club MTV, but I posted it so we can all see how truly timeless her NATURAL beauty is. Yes, my eyeballs are still swirling with delusion. Yes, I'll try to stop the swirls by poking my eyes with Visine. But now to the important business at hand....

Kelsey Grammer never made Camille sign a prenup before they were married 13 years ago, because he was so caught up in soul surfing through the AquaNet wave of gorgeousness above her head that he didn't even think about it. Because Kelsey never secured his money, sources tell Page Six that Camille could collect at least $30 million in a divorce settlement proving that gold diggers always win no matter what.

One of the sources explained, "Camille stands to get half of all syndication of 'Frasier' made during the years they were married. That's seven years of episodes, as well as income from other shows the company made, including 'Medium' and 'Girlfriends.' "

If Camille successfully snatches $30 million out of Kelsey's pocket, his worth will clock in at around $55 million. And it will dwindle even more when his latest knocked up piece tries to siphon a few million from his bank account after they break up.

Camille deserves $30 million and more! Stop yourself before you start arguing with me. Just look at her! Camille deserves that money for just being. Kelsey knows this so I doubt he'll try to fight her. The Frankenstein guido with Harvey Levin eyes in the picture above knows what I'm talking about. He is so stunned by Camille's beauty that he immediately signed over his Mazda RX-7 to her shortly after this picture was taken.

In case you've been telling yourself that you really need to see Souleye's bare nipples today, here he is strolling in Orange County, CA with Alanis Morrisette's pregnant ass. And yes, I'd hit it on ten thousand spoons while holding a black fly.

Some French speakers think that RiRi's “Rebelle Fleur” neck tattoo really read "Le Dumb Ass" because they say it is grammatically incorrect. They say that in French the adjective always shows up before the noun, so her neck tattoo should say “Fleur Rebelle" instead. But according to OK! Magazine, RiRi thinks she's right and knew before she got the tattoo that bitches would jump on her ass for it.

RiRi allegedly wrote her tattoo artiste the following text message before she came into his shop to get tapped with a needle: “rebelle fleur translates to rebel flower, NOT rebelious flower, its 2 nouns so in that case fleur does not HAVE to be first! Fyi, cuz they will ask”.

All the French I know I learned from Pepe Le Pew, so I'm not the one to comment on whether RiRi's shit is right or wrong. And honestly, I'm more concerned that somewhere in the world there's a sad Emo clown with a cold head.

Here's Flower Rebellious or Rebel Flower (or WHATEVER) struttin' into a club in NYC last night after performing at MSG.

A stumbling tornado of delusion, denial, back alley Botox and fried split ends crashed onto Today this morning when White Oprah sat down for an interview with Matt Lauer. It's pretty fitting that this bumbling mess of an interview aired on Friday the 13th, because this was a horrific disaster. If Freddy Krueger is ever trying to adopt a child, he can just show the agency this interview and say, "Well, I'll probably do better than this." SOLD! Give him any kid he wants!

White Oprah once again confirmed that Lindsay, Ali and the other ones never stood a chance. I bet that when the baby doctor smacked them in the ass right after they were born, every one of them screamed out the same thing: "I'M FUCKED!" The plastic trash can I watched get run over by a van last night would have done a better job in raising those kids.

The interview was just painful. Matt could have gotten a straighter answer out of the orchid sitting on the table next to Enabler the Awful. Matt ain't shit either, because I kept waiting for him to shake the coke out of White Oprah's ears so she could clearly hear all his questions. White Oprah just kept rattling on about how the judge in her daughter's case was fired for being unfair and how everything the media puts out is just propaganda. PROPAGANDA! Bitch is full of poopaganda (GONG me if you must).

Matt needed to bring out a plastic bag full of delicious pills and tell White Oprah that for every coherent and straight answer she spits out, he'll give her a treat. That would've made her tonsils wag. That's a good White Oprah!

Here's a few of the highlights (emphasis on HIGH) if it's too early for you to deal with this mess in video form:

WO on how LiLo is doing: "She's been through a lot. The judge played hardball. Lindsay was in with alleged murderers and she's become friends with a lot of them. Lindsay rolled with the punches and she's doing wonderfully."

WO on people saying her daughter is a wreck who deserves to be in jail: "I think that's all propaganda and what people are reading. As you know, you're in the business of entertainment, so I think a lot of it is pre-orchestrated and you're reading things that are not based on fact."

WO on how she's an idiot mom: "As a parent, you have to let her go a little bit. When she went out to Los Angeles when she was 19, I had to let her go and let her live and fall and fail and survive. Without failure, there's no success. I was there in close proximity, but you can't make your child not go out and go to a club and not get behind the wheel of a car. I certainly don't condone any of that behavior."

White Oprah also said that LiLo will be released from rehab early and is planning to move to NYC afterwards. One of the most hilarious parts of this tragic display of denial is when White Oprah said she was in show business long before her kids were, and they keep telling her to get back into it. I agree! As much as White Oprah makes me want to punch a naranja, she really knows how to bring the crack-infused mess.

CORRECTION: Carlton Jordan and E! Online both say that this isn't Chippy D's real Twitter account. This one is. So the real Chippy D never Tweeted that she's a role model to our youth. I fucked up! Apologies.

And the fake Chippy D is asking for "dirt" on me for writing this post. Tell the fake Chippy D just to visit any fast food or gay bar bathroom and you'll find my dirt all over the place. Seriously, I don't think they've been able to scrub it out yet.

The next time a junior high school is looking for a motivational speaker to tell young teens to cross college off of their things to do list and consider a career in turning tricks on the ho stroll, they should call up Laurence Fishburne's 19-year-old daughter Montana. Montana aka Chippy D has added "role model" to her resume right next to pussy peddler and porn star.

Didn't the melody to Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love Of All" just play in your head while reading that?

Before any meeting, Anna Wintour breathes on her assistant so he can make sure her breath is fresh. Today it is just perfect. - Cuntina

Runners-up:

Bless you. - Sweetas

Axl Rose depicts the current state of his career without even saying a word. - eddieishere

Lucy's biggest fan also has photos of himself stomping grapes, running a chocolate candy boxing line, and stealing John Wayne's footprints from Graumanns. - TexnDoc

via FunPic

Earring Magic Ken (aka 1980s West Hollywood Circuit Boy Ken or Cock Ring Magic Ken)

In 1993, Mattel popped some Ecstasy, sniffed the pina colada lube and released this kinky ass plastic twink as a "companion" to Earring Magic Barbie. Anybody with two working eyes and a sliver of common sense could see that Mattel's definition of companion must have meant someone to have a 4pm brunch with Barbie to talk about all the different kinds of fuckery they licked on the night before. And I say "licked on," because poor Barbie and Ken still don't have fuck parts!

Shortly after Mattel popped Cock Ring Magic Ken on the shelves, he became the must-have toy (sorry, pocket dildos) for gays. He became the best-selling Ken doll in Mattel's history! Instead of embracing the icon of kitsch they created, the dumb dicks at Mattel discontinued Cock Ring Magic Ken and pulled him out of the stores!

Maybe Mattel realized that they messed up by not giving Ken a cock to slip all his cock rings around! That is just cruel and intoymane! I'd like to think that Ken still found a way to get his. Like maybe one of the other Ken dolls gently poked his shallow crack with one of their earlobes? Or something! It's not too late for Mattel to fix their wrong by re-releasing Cock Ring Magic Ken with an actual cock! It's the right thing to do.

(For Tara) (Image via Flickr)