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When I first heard that Tila Tequila was going to perform at the Gathering of the Juggalos in Illinois, I figured shit would get beyond real. Well, shit not only got beyond real, but shit got all over Tila Tequila. Literally. Tila Tequila tells TMZ that right went her toe hit the stage, the Juggalos allegedly* started a revolt against her by stoning her ass and launching a tidal wave of piss-marinated caca at her face.

Tila, who sent pictures of her injuries (see the pictures here) to TMZ, claims that the Juggalos wanted her DEAD!

Here's Tila's account of the Battle at Faygo:

"I went onstage and immediately, before I even got on stage, DUDES were throwing HUGE STONE ROCKS in my face, beer bottles that slit my eye open, almost burnt my hair on fire cuz they threw fire crackers on stage, and they even took the shit out of the port-0-potty and threw shit and piss at me when I was onstage."

These people were trying to kill me. So then after the last blow to my head with the firecracker they threw at me exploded, my bodygaurd and the other security grabbed me and ran as fast as they could to the shitty trailor. Since their security SUCKS, the 2 thousand people ran after us, trying to kill me. They almost got me so they finally reach the trailor, blood all over myself, cant stop bleeding, then all of a sudden, all 2 thousand people surround the trailor and busts the windows!!! Even the guys INSIDE with me were shaking! Their hands were shaking cuz they were so scared! So 3 guys inside the trailor had to grab a table and push it over the broken windows and grabbed all the chairs they could find so hold the people from outside back. It was scary as hell!"

The police showed up, but they wouldn't comment on what exactly went down due to HIPPA laws.

Whoever thought Tila Tequila performing for thousands of Insane Clown Posse fans was a good idea needs to ask their dealer to change their crack prescription, because they are obviously smoking the wrong shit! Tila bringing her ho show to the Gathering of the Juggalos makes about as much sense as Mel Gibson performing at a Yiddish theater. It was obviously a trap!

Although, the Juggalos do love magic all up in this bitch, so you would think they would be enchanted by Tila since she's half leprechaun and all. And where was her Tila Army when she really really needed them the most?! That's a rhetorical question.

* I say allegedly because Tila Tequila makes shit up all the time.

E! News reports that Neil Patrick Harris and his partner of forever David Burtka (who is throwing us a "Yes, Doogie checks my no-nos' heartbeat with his peenoscope every night, thankyouverymuch" smirk in that picture above) rented themselves a prime womb and are now expecting TWIN BABIES!!!! in a few months.

A source says that NPH and David have already started making plans for a baby shower. The source also said that the "beautiful surrogate" (as opposed to a dog ass ugly surrogate) is going to give birth this October.

So far NPH hasn't confirmed or denied if he'll be wiping up newborn slobber (make that two servings) and drowning in a mountain of Baby Wipes (insert Terrence Howard jealous face) this fall.

If this is true, congrats to NPH and David. I'm sure their twin babies will be coo-ing and gurgling the melody to every popular show tune by the time they're 6-months-old. NPH's babies: Already more skilled than me and their asses aren't even born yet!

UPDATE: NPH Tweeted today that it's a fact that he's expecting twin chirruns with his partner. He Tweeted this: "So, get this: David and I are expecting twins this fall. We're super excited/nervous/thrilled. Hoping the press can respect our privacy..." And here's hoping he names one Doogie and the other one Howser.

Early last year, Thomas Jane (the pier hobo above) and Patricia Arquette decided that they were sick of looking at each other's genitals every morning so they filed for divorce. A few months later, they both thought to themselves "You know, I miss seeing that bitch's genitals every morning" so they got back together. Well, now they are back to needing a different set of genitals in their lives, because they have filed for divorce AGAIN. Thomas Jane's spokesbitch issued this statement to People:

"The split is completely amicable and their prime focus is their daughter. They ask that their privacy be respected at this time."

That means Thomas will now spend his days trying to erase the memories of Patricia by remodeling the home they once shared together. Then when his house burns down, he'll live in a tent in the backyard and sell his Grade A dick on the side to make ends meet. Yes, I'm still watching Hung, but only because I'm still hoping that during an episode in the future they'll finally give me what I came for: HUNG DICK! I'll even take a prosthetic at this point! I'm that hard up.

Delilah Rene Lune, best known as simply "Delilah" the radio queen of sappy ass love songs

While sitting in front of a field of annoying brake lights on the Garden State Parkway last night, my "kill a bitch" rage was temporarily soothed by Delilah who has a voice as soft a cashmere teddy bear's taint. Don't let Delilah's "Ah eat the souls of your chirrun" smile fool you, she really does have a soothing voice you just want to take a bath in.

For those of you have never been stroked by Delilah's sweet tone, she has this nationally syndicated radio show where people from around the country call in to dedicate a love song to their loved ones. The lonely sadling (aka Jennifer Aniston using a voice box) calls in and tells some story about how they are sitting on their sofa alone missing their special someone. They ask Delilah to play a song that will fill in the cracks of their broken heart. Or some shit like that. Then Delilah gives a spoon full of advice she probably read in Reader's Digest before playing a song that makes your mom weep. That's usually how it works.

I think that Delilah should be the voice of everyone from now on. If Mel Gibson politely asked Delilah to be his voice, the messages he left for OctoSana would've painted a very different picture.

"Smile and blow me" would have taken on a whole knew meaning. Instead of picturing Mel Gibson pulling his wrinkled peen out of his pant hole, we would've pictured a dandelion flirting with the wind. Delilah has that gift! Here's just a taste of her work (made of 100% sucrose):

Jackée Harry (54)
Mila Kunis (27)
Spencer Twatt (27)
Ana Matronic (36)
Christopher Gorham (36)
Jay Manuel (38)
Jennifer Flavin (42)
Catherine Bell (42)
Adrian Lester (42)
Halle Berry (44)
Susan Olsen (49)
Sarah Brightman (50)
Marcia Gay Harden (51)
Magic Johnson (51)
James Horner (57)
Carl Lumbly (59)
Danielle Steel (63)
Susan Saint James (64)
Wim Wenders (65)
Steve Martin (65)
David Crosby (69)