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Charlie Sheen won't spend one second in a jail cell for celebrating the holiday season by beating on his wife Brooke Mueller in Aspen, Colorado on Christmas Day. Lady Justice better change her e-mail address right now, because White Oprah just popped a Dexedrine and is about to go off on her in 1,000 words or more!

TMZ reports that as part of a plea deal with the Pitkin County D.A., Charlie pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge and was sentenced to 30 days in rehab instead of the clink. And since Charlie already spent time at Promises in Malibu earlier this year, he will receive credit for time served. That means Charlie simply has to sashay into Promises, sign in, tell the receptionist that she has nice tits, sign out and then stroll back out to his Mercedes where a call girl with an 8-ball on her lap is waiting for him.

Charlie was also ordered to 3 months probation and 36 hours of anger management (which he's already completed).

So Charlie tried to shank his wife in the neck and his punishment is a day trip to Malibu? The moral of this story is that if you ever want to do bad shit just make sure you have at least 10 IMDB credits to your name and a parking spot at Warner Bros so you don't have to do any real time!! YAY!

This Mutual Savings Bank commercial from 1995 starring Tina Fey makes me remember the magical time when every lady comic on TV wore tapestry vests over white button-down shirts and EVERYTHING (I mean, EVERYTHING) was filmed in an empty loft. This is as if Lisa Loeb's "Stay" video crashed into Jenny Jones' wardrobe closet. Tapestry vests and empty lofts really need to make a comeback.

via Buzzfeed

16-year-old Justin Bieber barely learned his ABC's last month, but he's still going to sit down at the little table in the classroom and write his riveting memoirs using big crayons and construction paper.

The Lesbeaver's illustrated autobiography titled Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever: My Story (aka The Double Colon Book) will come out this October. Don't expect full chapters on the moment Justin learned that poop floats in the water sometimes. No, Justin has a mind and he's not afraid to use it. Here's a few examples of how deep Justin gets:

"It's kind of hard to balance school and work sometimes. But sometimes, like, if I'm going to the White House and I'm in there doing a tour and stuff, that's like school."

"I'm just a regular 16 year old kid. I make good grilled cheese and I like girls."

“People write to me and say, ‘I’m giving up, you’re not talking to me.’ I just write them a simple message like, ‘Never give up,’ you know? And it changes their life.”

Okay, okay, Justin's autobiography is basically going to be like flipping through your friend's "My Baby's First Time" book.

Michael Lohan allegedly kicked one of his girlfriends in the bagina and he recently busted another one in the head, so I don't know why this LiLo-ish trick right here is kissing up on him in public. Okay, I do know why. We all know why.Whoring for camera clicks. But she really needs to look deep into the mirror the next time she's re-applying her Wet 'N Wild frosted pink lipstick and ask herself if she really thinks boning Michael Lohan is going to take her places. SPOILER ALERT: It isn't.

Dating that queef bag will only get you a 2-minute interview with Radar after he allegedly karate chops you in the clit and/or allegedly leaks pictures of your snatch onto the internet. Homegirl needs to aim higher (which isn't hard since The Situation is higher than Michael Lohan). But if she insists, then she might as well fill out a restraining order right now to save her some time later.

And on top of all that, she's mouth humping that roadkill parrot while he's got his cell phone clipped to his waistband! That's the worst part. Us sluts have got to do better.

Here's more of Michael Lohan at some event in the Hamptons this past weekend with his new piece and Alex and Simon from The Real Housewives of NYC.

That poor peensicle has chlamydia now - The Superficial

Things I could've gone my whole life without seeing: Avril Lavigne's nipple - Egotastic!

George Clooney and Brad Pitt are M&M wasters - Lainey Gossip

Gay Fish's former fin fluffer is in a bikini - Hollywood Tuna

People are still taking Ashlee Simpson's picture (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Boner killer: Tom Hardy's "I've done dudes in the past" comment might have been taken out of context - Towleroad

Mel Gibson has always been a monster. Allegedly. - Celebitchy

How much Ecstasy was involved in the making of this video? - The Chive

Kate Beckinsale must love the feeling of doggy mocos on her nose - Popoholic

Why am I not getting the tingles from the sight of Johnny Depp's nipples? Should I see a doctor? - Popsugar

Dawson got married! - Just Jared

Dennis Rodman came out of a serious car crash with no injuries. No, this is not referring to those pictures of Dennis with Tara Reid last week. He was in a for real car crash - ICYDK

Kate Gosselin's old possum is now living a life of pampered luxury - OMG Blog

Cheryl Cole and Derek Hough are still doing it - Holy Moly!

No jail time for Charlie Sheen. Maybe. - I'm Not Obsessed

Kelly Ripa eats - Hollywood Rag

(Image via INFDaily.com)

Violent JJ, the 5-year-old son of Insane Clown Posse's Violent J, has joined the family business and put out a video for his debut song "Bad Bad Bad (featuring DANCING RUBY!!!!)".

The junior Juggalo leaves his sippy cup filled with Faygo on the sidelines and slaps trick after trick after trick! It's a shame that this song wasn't around during Latarian Milton's glory days, because it would've been the perfect hood rat stuff anthem for him to blast in his grandmother's SUV.

via Vulture

If you're a mother who does not breastfeed her newborn baby, Gisele Buttchin thinks you should be imprisoned immediately and forced to hand over your kid to Salma Hayek. Or something along those lines.

Gisele, who has been a mother for all of 8-months, thinks there should be a law on the books that states all mothers should squirt chichi leche into their babies' mouths NO MATTER WHAT! Gisele tells Harper's Bazaar (via Press Associated):

"I think breastfeeding really helped me keep my figure. Some people here (in the US) think they don't have to breastfeed, and I think 'Are you going to give chemical food to your child when they are so little?' I think there should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months."

The highly important committee that is in charge of passing worldwide laws will get on that as soon as they pass a law stating that Gisele Bundchen needs to keep her pie hole shut in public. No, but seriously...

I don't know how easy breastfeeding is, but I'm sure if every mother could do it she would. I mean, why waste your money on formula when you can spend it on painkillers and other substances that will ease your nerves when baby is screeching in the middle of the night. Right?

And what about Barbie? If Barbie was a real-life human being she wouldn't physically be able to breastfeed, because bitch doesn't have any damn nipples*! Baby can polish its gums on her titties, but that's about it! Gis needs to think about Barbie before she speaks!

*Barbie doesn't have a vagina either, but that little fact doesn't work with my point!

Before the world embraced Christina Hendricks as a ginger goddess with 8th World Wonder chichis, she was just an average student at Fairfax High School in Virginia. I take that back. I should not use the word "average" to describe a girl who obviously used two kinds of gel, half a can of White Rain hairspray and a pick to get her bangs looking like that.

Even though this picture is in black and white, I can tell that Christina spent most of her sophomore year perfecting that burgundy lip color using black lipstick from the Halloween store and every shade of red liner in her mother's make-up shoe box. This kind of glamour is anything but average. And do you think Christina's Starter Jacket had the Redskins or the Nationals on the back?

via Best Week Ever

In September's Vanity Fair, Lady Caca not only admits to sometimes lining her nostrils with Lohan powder, but she says that she hardly lifts up her peen and lets a dick poke her in the snatch, because she's afraid it will steal all her creative powers. Isn't that how the porn version of Drag Me To Hell starts? Lady Caca said:

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

This explains why she's always seen looking for bloody tampons, used diaphragms and crusty condoms in the trash cans outside of the homes of Grace Jones, Vadge, Dale Bozzio and Roisin Murphy. Creativity must go in the same way it goes out, right?

It's a cheeseburger's horrific nightmare come to life! And a bottle of Jack Daniels' beautiful dream come to life! The Hoff was roasted (smelled like overmicrowaved Kraft singles, the urinal in a truck stop in Germany, burnt hair plugs and a bar back's bus tub) on Comedy Central last night, and they started things off outside by scaring the booze buzz out of everyone with this giant tribute to him made from one of Khloe Kardashian's suppositories.

Thankfully, that dark-sideness disappeared by the end of the night so it's no longer around to haunt us. It's not known what happened to it, but Pamela Anderson was seen giving it the eye. I mean, it does have the face of a dildo, so you can't blame her.

Here's pictures of everyone who came out to light a flame under The Hoff's asshole last night. In order: The Hoff, the always naturally fresh Pamela Anderson, Traci Bingham, Nicole Eggert, Hayley Hasselhoff, four anuses in a row, Jeremy Jackson and George Hamilton.