All back alley pharmacists are lining the streets of Hollywood and the coke dealers can quit the part-time jobs they were forced to take at 7-Elven when Lindsay Lohan went into rehab, because she's baaaaaack! And she is fully recharged! Radar reports that LiLo was released from the UCLA Neuropsychiatric Hospital tonight after serving just 22 days out of her 90 day sentence.
LiLo's doctors suggested to the judge that she be released from rehab early, because they don't think her issues are that serious (aka they are sick of dealing with her ass). Judge Elden Fox agreed and he opened LiLo's cage door. Justice fucking served on the rocks with a sprinkling of crushed Dilaudid on top!
Cut to White Oprah dancing all night, because now that her main ho is out on the stroll she no longer has to pay for her pills with freezer burned Fudgie the Whales:
LiLo will get outpatient treatment indefinitely and a hearing is schedule for tomorrow.
Speaking of getting fucked up like a Lohan out of rehab, we should all pour anything mind-altering into our kombucha tea to deal with all the interviews that will follow. Every single Lohan is going to spill their delusions to any bitch who waves a cashiers check in their face. Seriously, I heard that Nana Lohan has already given a tell-all interview to the LI PennySaver.
Above is a bitchy ass cat in a tie sitting on a toddler's armchair while a bunch of kids sing "Happy Birfday!" to him. And below is an english bull dog sitting on his ass while watching the Family Guy. T
he mad pussy gets points for keeping his claws to himself even though he's scratching the nostrils off of every person in the room with his eyes. However, the bulldog gets a million bonus points, because I'm pretty sure he actually enjoys sitting like Al Bundy with his pants off. If he didn't have to lick his own asshole, he'd sit there all day and night. If his asshole was on one paw and his balls were on the other, he would be in heaven! Yeah, the dog does it better.
via Gawker TV
When you’re a famous performer, it helps to have back up. In this case of this singer, it’s her sister, who has a similar singing style… and whose voice is actually used in place of the singer’s on more than one recording. Although one sister is clearly more famous than the other, the other one has been assured multiple times that her turn at stardom is coming. The parents, who are very closely involved in their daughter’s’ careers, know that the second sister’s star will likely always orbit the world of her sister’s fame. Whoever you are thinking of, think younger. (Blind Gossip)
Of course, my first guess was Beyonce and Basement Baby, but then I wiped the wig glue off and my eyes followed the blind item writer's instructions which led me to Miley and Noah Cyrus. Miley's vocals sound like they were done by a robot chipmunk with a low battery life, so I'm not sure this is the winning guess. Besides Miley's songs would have a lot more curse words and shit if Noah sang them.
This very attractive former B list movie and television actress is now probably a C and is hanging onto her fame by her good looks and a long past hit network show on which she starred. She would probably be very surprised to find out that her part-time assistant has been sleeping with the married father of our actress. (CDAN)
Rachel Bilson? MiserAlba? Audrey Landers?
Which D List star who used to be B/C list because of his network sitcom has been selling his children’s toys on ebay to get drug money? (BuzzFoto)
What kind of dumb stupid piece of shit trash sells their kids' toys for drug money?! You have to be an idiotic bitch to do that. I mean, selling toys on eBay isn't going to get you enough money to buy half a whippit! Push your kid into show business and use their pay checks to buy your bad shit like a normal person does! Some people.
Apparently, Miss Philippines was one of the favorites to take home the crown (made from Donald Trump's taint dingles) at last night's Miss Universe pageant, but then she pretty much fucked her chances in the ass during the Q&A part of the competition.
Mister Chyna Phillips himself Billy Baldwin asked Maria Venus Raj (FYI: That's a really hot name) what one of her biggest mistakes in life was and how she fixed it. If Billy asked her that question again today, she'd probably say that the biggest mistake in her life is the answer she gave last night. Because last night, Maria Venus said that she's never had any major problems and then she babbled on like me in front of a McDonald's menu at 3am.
To be fair, if I was standing up there with my hair so tight that it was making my nipples sore (I don't know what that means either!) and enough make-up on my face to cover a Kardashian for a week, I'd probably give some shit answer to. It also doesn't help when Billy Baldwin is staring at you like you're doing yourself in the bath tub while a UB40 song plays in the background.
AND how was Maria Venus supposed to hear anything when the screech of a thousand gays from her home country filled her ear holes with glitter and made her nerves tingle! This is what I'm talking about (skip to the 2:25 mark):
DAMN! Now I finally know what the inside of my head looks like whenever I see a peen in the flesh instead of on a computer screen. Give us all a Q-tip!
via Boy Culture
The Annual Nudist Pudding Fight: Bill Cosby most certainly does not fucking approve! - Cityrag
Little Sally Draper's hair got attacked by a gang of taser guns on her way to a premiere - Lainey Gossip
Rachel Bilson's camel toe says aloha - Egotastic!
Miss Mehico is Miss Universe! - The Superficial
5 million reasons why we have failed as a people - Celebitchy
Melissa Rivers is looking AWFUL! - Hollywood Tuna
Glee's Kurt is going to get some from the quarterback - Towleroad
Drew Barrymore's hair color was inspired by a calico cat, right? - The Berry
I thought Hayden Panatroll was best friends with dolphins? So what is up with the bootleg slaughtered dolphin cake she's posing with? - Just Jared
Irina Shayk needs to stop sexing up the camera lens and give Crispy some powder to dab to the grease out - Popoholic
ScarJo and Ryan Reynolds are in Austria - Popsugar
Kim Kardassian hides her wet fart stain while going to the gym (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Keep telling yourself that, Eli Roth - Holy Moly!
Is Fantasia auditioning for Mortal Kombat with that hair? - ICYDK
How did they get these pictures of me at my night job (I wish)?! - OMG Blog
Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck are a match made in Kohl's discount bin heaven - Hollywood Rag
Beyonce praying to the wig gods to be with her during her ride down the French Rivera - Necole Bitchie
Here's former hongray meth head Jeremy Jackson (better known as Hobie from Baywatch) flexing his bulge and giving a "Yes, I just dropped a roofie in your drink" smirk at a biathlon in Hawaii over the weekend. Jeremy was joined by Bachelor Jake (in the pictures below) who was sad to find out that a "biathlon" isn't an all you can eat poon and peen orgy. Poor Jake had to leave the lube and double-sided-dildos in the trunk of his rental car.
And even though Jeremy most likely suffers from a case of chronic meth dick, I still would. It takes a patient no-no, but meth dick can work for you. When it passes out mid-thrust, just slap it against your nalgas a few times to wake it up again. You might have to do this several times. Meth dick is like the Rusty of penises.
The Real Housewives of New Jersey's Danielle Staub (or the always classic "Prostitution Whore-Ah" if you look like you should be drawing pictures of deers on your cave wall) continued to try to wig snatch Kim Zolciak's illustrious poop star career by performing a 90s club version of her song "Close to You" on WPIX11 this morning. Danielle was joined by three sexy papi chulo dancers and her partner in foolery Lori Michaels. Torturous hilarity ensued.
This takes me back to a day in the 90s when my best friend at the time wanted me to watch a "run-through" of the dance she was going to do for the talent show with four other chicks. They did that shit to Crystal Waters' 100% Pure Love and it was a 100% PURE MESS. They "performed" that shit for me on the driveway of her parents' house and they kept bumping into the Nissan Maxima (that car was classy shit at the time) her mom refused to move. Those little bitches even wore matching torn t-shirts like Danielle! The only thing that made my friend's dance bearable was the car that kept fucking with her moves.
So the next time Danielle performs her half-time donkey show, she should do it in front of a Nissan Maxima on someone's driveway. It will save the show!
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
Madge's 13-year-old daughter Lourdes was out in London the other day wearing a rasta cuff with a marijuana leaf on it, and it's got some people asking if this means she's the unofficial spokestween for the good shit. Well, honestly the thing that concerns me most about this entire look is that for a hot second I mistook Lourdes for MILEY CYRUS! Madge should address this issue first before she sends Baby Jesus into Lourdes room to check her rosary drawer for joints!
You know, I think it's safe to say that Lourdes is most like not messing with the herb. She's only wearing that cuff to distract our preying eyes from the piece of Orbitz Adderallmint gum she's chewing on. Taylor Momsen taught her well.
Paris Hilton, seen here with Mugsy the newest addition to her dog closet, jumped out of bed early this morning after some dude with two large objects banged on her front door. No, it wasn't the gardener. It also wasn't her pedicurist holding two giant nail files. Apparently, it was some stranger dude with two large knives in each hand.
The Los Angeles Times reports that Wonks saw the dude on her security camera and immediately called 911. While her latest boyfriend went to confront the knife wielder, she jumped on her Twitter. Naturally:
So Scary, just got woken up to a guy trying to break into my house holding 2 big knifes. Cops are here arresting h http://twitpic.com/2hrfnm
about 2 hours ago via Twitpic
The LAPD arrested a 40-something man from Redlands and took him down to the nearest jail house. The police aren't sure how he managed to get past the security of Paris' gated community.
While Paris and her piece were dealing with the police, Mugsy managed to slip out of the dog closet undetected and he carefully put a stuffed toy pug in his place. Then he tip toed past the front lawn, crawled under the police car and held on to the bottom for dear life as it drove away. So if you happen to see Paris petting a stuffed toy pug for the paparazzi, don't say anything!
This is some "old school Courtney Love as seen through the eyes of Mimi" shit.
Japanese artist Takashi Murakami gave Brit Brit a manga makeover for Pop Magazine and here's a couple of pictures from the shoot. The frosty mess below is supposed to be a picture of Brit Brit in a wedding dress. But to me this looks more like Brit Brit begging Daddy Spears for forgiveness after she got so fucked up on strawberry-flavored acid that she ran out of her own first communion ceremony (where she was to receive the sacrament of Cheetochrist) and collapsed in a bed of daisies outside of St. Frito-Lay's Church. It works for me!