John Mayer's David Duke dick has been quiet for a while, but now it has risen from the ashes left by Sexual Napalm and is shaking its rage at the Huffington Post for posting some shit about its reunion with Jennifer Aniston's vagina instead of important news!
It all started when HuffPo ran some story earlier today about how John and Jen might be back together, because of some crap he said at one of his shows. Anytime anybody writes anything about John Mayer on the internet a special vibration goes off on his cock ring letting him know to check his Google Alerts immediately. After John read HuffPo's piece, he queefed out a response on his Tumblr that is filled with his usual brand of hilarious doucheatry and a few phrases that pay:
Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.
From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:
Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.
“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ - no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”
Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.
The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.
I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.
JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”
Damn. John Mayer is going raw (smells like open sores and melting Summer's Eve bottles). I have a feeling that there's something else behind this, because dude is taking shit way too seriously. Maybe a farsighted stripper with a scar in the shape of the C-Span logo once refused to give John a hand job in a club and he's never gotten over it? So he's throwing up his hurt all over HuffPo. Yeah, that must be it.
P.S. - Bitch said SILLY BANDZ!
To help her prepare for an upcoming awards presentation, this actress has solicited the help of someone her husband absolutely despises. The comedy star will be writing jokes about the actor husband and an organization with which he is affiliated. Our actress has made it clear to the comedy star that she is giving her permission to be as vicious as possible. Why so harsh? The sooner the actress can get the husband to see red, the sooner she can get far away from him. (Blind Gossip)
This blind item is GLIB, so all signs point to Tommy Girl & Stepford Katie? As for the comedy star, I'll go with Chelsea Handler (for the VMAs?), Kathy Griffin (for the Emmys?) or Sarah Silverman (for whatever?)? And if Katie actually makes a Scientology joke, I will tattoo XENU RULES on what's left of my ass lips.
You know what is sad? That we have lists for reality stars. They should all be D. Unfortunately they are not though. This B-/C+ reality star and sometime actress has always thought she was better than the reality world. At this point she would probably settle for a steady paycheck from a reality show. What she should not be doing is making the one company that is paying her a decent wage to endorse their products mad. Our reality star shows up late, bad mouths the company, gets drunk at meetings, has no showed for corporate events and will never go anywhere for them unless she is paid. When they don't renew her contract she will be sorry. (CDAN)
Not Wonks. Not a Kardashian. Kristin Calamariorwhatever from The Hills?
This one is kind of sad. Hopefully there are some cheery ones for tomorrow. Back in the day this tweener singer/actress was pretty big. Not like Miley Cyrus big, but in the world of tween music and acting was probably like the equivalent of 98 Degrees in the boy band archives. Last to the party, but still had a couple of hits with her group. Anyway, she was making a decent wage had a boyfriend who was famous enough that the pair would get in the tabloids. Then one day it was gone. Everything. She is in the middle of a very long drought and is not a tween anymore. She needs to support herself but basically just gets handed from one guy to the next. She allows it though because they give her a place to stay, a couple of scraps of work, and drugs when she needs them. This girl who used to be innocent has been photographed naked, has sex tapes and so much more. She had a lot of promise and if this continues you won't even remember her name in another year. You might not now. (CDAN)
Well, I probably still know who they are since I regularly troll the Angelfire fan pages of every damn girl group ever created. My guess is that the down-on-her-luck (and everything else) trick is a former member of one of these groups: Dream, Danity Kane, The Cheetah Girls, Cleopatra (Coooomin atcha!) or 3LW?
He’s talented, he’s handsome, and everyone wants him in their films because this B list Actor is fast on his way to the top. He seems to have everything- a gorgeous wife and children and an amazing career, but we hear behind the scenes things are completely different. When the cameras are off he’s stubborn, verbally abusive, reckless with his spending and habits (including porn and alcohol) and he’s self righteous about politics and religion. His poor wife struggles with depression which he writes off as ‘character weakness’ and blames his son’s ADHD on his wife’s ‘poor parenting.’ He’s definitely not the man everyone thinks he is. (BuzzFoto)
Maybe this bitch is simply preparing for the title role in the Mel Gibson story?
Jared Leto must have gotten sick of bitches throwing bird seed cut with Pop Rocks at the hot pink mohawk slowly sucking out his hotness from the pores on his scalp, because he finally bathed it in glue remover and put it to bed! Yes, Jared's hair is very "SamRo going to a Mad Men-themed rave", but at least it doesn't give me the urge to slip on my Super Mario overalls and jump on top of it. Although, that's not really a bad urge to have.
Now that Jared's hair is looking like it walks amongst us in this dimension, he needs to stop taking fashion advice from a color blind raver who has ingested way too much glow stick juice and only buys accessories from the candy section at Toys "R" Us.
Here's more of Jared with his 30 Seconds to Mars bandmates Shannen Leto and Mars Tomo at a press conference in Mexico City.
You are not a camel toe aficionado unless you can spot which one is CoCo's - Cityrag
Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry might be boning again, because it's absolutely scientifically impossible for two exes to get along like this. Impossible! - Lainey Gossip
Frapps and Daddy Spears' Velveeta grits do a body good - The Superficial
Tila Tequila is totally trying to bring Nelly's signature look back (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Ginger Spice gets to second base with herself - Hollywood Tuna
Because posing for the paparazzi on the stroll is hard ass work, Sophie Monk is on vacation in Hawaii - Egotastic!
The Blue Power Ranger has come out as a proud peen lover. And I'm still waiting for Rita Repulsa to come out as a big lez - Towleroad
Look what spat out of Hell's asshole - The Berry
And my guess is that Naya Rivera sang "Bust Your Windows" while egging Mark Salling's car - Celebitchy
Will Forte has taken two beers out of SNL's cabin before sliding down the evacuation slide - Just Jared
MiserAlba wearing wallpaper from my auntie's 70s themed game room to the Machete premiere - Popoholic
The American Eagle as soon through the eyes of Tommy Girl - OMG Blog
I'd hide my face too if I was wearing a trucker hat - Popsugar
Sookeh Soookeh Soooookeh joins the cast of Scream 4 - ICYDK
Serena Williams' better stop before she goes to far and someone pisses on her - Crunk + Disorderly
Jeremy Renner will play Tommy Girl's main butt plug holder in Mission Impossible 4 - I'm Not Obsessed
If Drew Barrymore really wanted to destroy that bitch reporter, she should've just made them watch Music & Lyrics and they'd rip their own face off - SOW
Katy Perry is trying to bring hair mascara back - Holy Moly!
Crocodile Dunfuckeduponhistaxes - Hollywood Rag
Bristol Palin, The Hoff, Mop Head, The Situation and Ceiling Eyes all sitting in a room together wearing enough sequins to make Johnny Weir's sparkly fart bubbles feel inadequate. No, I did not just to describe a scene to you from the mind of M. Night Shyamalan. This horrific scene might happen in real life...and on live television!
E! News and UsWeekly are both reporting that the next cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases includes Alaska's most famous teen mom, the Tri-State area's largest supplier of crotch crabs and The Hoff.
Bristol Palin reportedly dumped Levi because he would rather hump on the spotlight than on her, so she's really showing his ass who can hump it harder. E! says that Bristol's deal is already done. Anybody who has seen Bristol's acting debut on The Secret Life of an American Teenager knows that she's more wooden than The Situation's head, so this shit is going to be entertaining.
It's been reported that The Situation, Brandy, The Hoff, Florence Henderson, Troy Aikman Jennifer Grey, Ceiling Eyes and Michael Bolton are all in talks. ABC will announce the full cast on August 30th. This mess of all messes premieres on September 20th, so mark that day on your calendar as the world comes to a crashing end. Yes, it ends on a dancefloor and under a disco ball.
Seriously, I'm not going to lie. The thought of having Alabama's own legendary hero inked onto my body forever has crawled into my mind a few times, but I didn't want my Steven Slater crotch bone tattoo to get jealous. So I'm happy to see that someone immortalized Antoine the right way.
Yes, this tattoo looks like it will easily come off with a drop of saliva, a semi-new Magic Erase and a few cunt glares from Antoine himself, but I'm going to choose to believe it's real! There are millions of crazy drunks bitches out there who get all their inspiration from viral videos! I mean, why do you think I Velcro a fork to my hand before I eat spaghetti?
But whoever got this mess slapped onto their arm should've waited a few days, because Antoine's already got a new look and he debuted it on Today this morning:
Antoine's hair is so silky that you just want to rip off all your panties and go skinny dipping it. Every time Antonie flips his hair, a criminal in Mobile falls down. Keep flippin' your beauty, Antoine!
The Toronto Star reports that Khuram Sher, a 28-year-old Canadian doctor, was arrested early this morning as part of a terrorism investigation by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service. And as soon as the news about Khuram's arrest hit, this clip of him auditioning on Canadian Idol two years ago started making the rounds. Khuram sings out his rendition of Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" and moonwalks across the floor. While Khuram sits in a jail cell, Avril Lavigne is still making music. What part of the game is this?
(Thanks to all who sent this in)
Finally, here's some news that will make you want to kiss Gary Busey's jumbo mouth Chiclets and let him chew on your favorite sweater. When Gary Busey isn't fluttering over California and spreading his sparkly lunatic dust, he's saving lives! I always knew that beneath all those layers of crazy were more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then more layers of crazy and then a hero's heart!
TMZ says that earlier this week, Gary came upon a major car wreck in Malibu and he immediately jumped into action. Police sources say that Gary called 911 and then stopped traffic by blinding drivers with his smile. Who needs orange cones, right?
Gary even stayed with one of the injured until the ambulance pulled up. The injured man's mother says that her son is doing fine and what Gary did was "very sweet and caring." Yes, the man freaked out when he woke up and thought the jaws of life were coming at him, but other than that he's thankful for Gary's good samaritan ways!
Gary has yet to comment because admitting that he's a true hero might fuck with his reputation as the craziest crazy in Hollyweird.
Where was Bobby Brown's expert doody bubble poppin' finger when Wino really needed him, because last night in London she was sticking her elbow-ey ass out like she was trying to woo a jar of Fleet.
After watching The Libertines reunion show, Wino gave the paparazzi an entire photo spread for Playboy's Constipated Beauties of London issue (don't put it past Hef) in the doorway of a hotel. I might be high from the 100 proof fumes jumping off these pictures, but I actually think she looks good here. But then again, the ass poppin' (replace the first "p" with an "o" if you want to go all the way) and "I Can Haz BM?" poses might be distracting me.
Since you get all your medical and nutritional advice from Elizabeth Hurley, you should immediately dump that bowl of Fruity Pebbles with Strawberry Quik into the recycle bin and throw that Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick out the window, because you're not supposed to eat breakfists! Speaking from the bottom of the verbal barf bucket that is Twitter, Dr. Hurley told her grown-up followers that they should ignore their abuelitas' advice by skipping breakfast. Liz wrote:
"Btw my diet survived the onslaught of phenomenal vacation food. doctors disagree, but I swear by almost nothing for breakfast for adults. Mugs of hot water first thing, maybe an espresso and a few oat cakes mid morning."
Even though Dr. Hurley is the world's foremost nutritionist (next to Colonel Sanders, anyways), I'm going to have to politely disagree with her stupid ass. Nothing makes me up open my eyes in the morning like the scent of liquid caffeine from my coffee maker/alarm clock filling my nostrils and giving me a reason to live. Elizabeth needs to put a Secret Cami over it, because she's really letting her Fishsticks Paltrow show. I mean, "mugs of hot water"? BITCH STOP! You know she's really drinking vodka off the kettle or microwaved mugs of Crystal Pepsi. You only need hot water in the morning to wipe last night's debauchery (or tears of loneliness) from your face.
via The Sun