In case you missed it, here's the clusterfuck opening number from the Emmys tonight starring Jimmy Fallon, Tina Fey, Jon Hamm, Betty White and pretty much everybody from Glee. Your boner might refuse to come out to play when it sees Kate Gosselin in her terrifying DWTS costume, but tell it to be patient and wait for Jon Hamm to shake his nipples and back up his nalgas into Betty White. That's the money shot.
And if award show musical numbers always make your eyes itch, just watch this chick from Top Chef almost eat carpet (not in a sexy way) as she made her way up to the stage. Pack up your knives and HAHAHAHAHA:
Hopefully, Tom Colicchio consoled her backstage by letting her rub his bald head.
A black cloud (powered by Bea Arthur) might appear above my head for blogging this out loud, but I think January Jones might have outdone Betty White at the Emmys tonight. January was caught in a tornado of coffee filters, Madge's vintage cone tits, Pepsi cans and cocktail umbrellas and she still made it to the Emmys tonight!
Seriously, January looks like she was in the middle of some hair-pulling sexy times with a married dude when his wife came home and so she had to jump out of the window fully nekkid! Then she was forced to make a dress with shit found in the recycle bin and a bottle of blue spray paint from the garage. The freshly fucked hair just pulls the whole beautiful mess together.
If fuckery was a country, this would be its national dress at the Miss Universe pageant.
If you've ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly "WHY ME?" cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White's dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.
All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it's confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it's not a party until you're wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!
And here's some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.
Before St. Angie kept her forehead vein fresh and full by suckling on the testicle veins of her victims, she apparently tried a blood-free diet and it almost caused her to shrivel up and explode (think True Blood-style). At a press conference for Salt, St. Angie reportedly told a bunch of reporters without recording devices (because I couldn't find a clip of this shit):
"I joke that a big juicy steak is my beauty secret. But seriously, I love red meat. I was a vegan for a long time, and it nearly killed me. I found I was not getting enough nutrition."
Maddox better round up the army, because Peta is probably aiming their red paint canons at the Holy Church of Brangelina right now.
It feels like the entire cast of HUGE is Riverdancing in my head and I think I just developed a 1-pack from constricting my stomach so much to keep the drunk barfs from rising to the top, but these pictures of ASkars at LAX yesterday are slowly soothing the edges of my hangover. I don't know if it's because he's dressed like a general in the gay army, but this is definitely better than a cup of blended menudo with a splash of vodka.
And if you prefer your pieces darker and meatier, here's ASkars True Blood co-star Joe Manganiello looking like a former 90s boy bander turned Affliction stock boy at an event for Virgin Airlines the other day and at the Art of Elysium benefit last night.
SPOILER ALERT: The curling iron won! RiRi is still dying her hair with packets found in the bottom of a Happy Meal and recently added longer locks made from Ronald McDonald's pit follicles. Before performing Syracuse, NY last night, RiRi tried to curl her thirsty tomato mop (smells like over-microwaved Ragu), but the prism to Mars on her head got in the way! RiRi Twatted a picture of her injuries with a little joke:
New hair....new curling iron BURN......damn 5head always in the way
RiRi needs to stop being modest and embrace that she's hung on the head. If she had a measly 5head, she would not be the main wet dream girl of every size queen with a forehead fetish. Not today. Not ever.
Here's RiRi running around on stage last night looking like Ronald McDonald's cracked out second cousin who fucks for McFlurries under the golden arches.
God has finally chosen a messenger to deliver the meaning of everything to the world and his name is Mark Zable. And the official meaning of life is DEEP FRIED BEER! Preachers better adjust their sermons accordingly! Evolution has finally paid off.
Try to drown out the sound of your bowels and liver weeping in unison to read exactly what makes up the most delicious creation ever to grace this planet (next to Rojo Caliente, of course). Mark takes a ravioli, fills it up with Guinness, seals it and then throws it into the deep fryer until it's as golden as an angel's halo. Mark says that the first bite will send a wave of beer shooting into your mouth. This is definitely Paula Deen's idea of oral sex and you know she swallows.
Deep Fried Beer will of course make its debut at the Texas State Fair where it will compete in the Big Tex Choice Awards on Labor Day. But the other competitors shouldn't even bother crawling out of their deep fryers to take the stage, because Deep Fried Beer has pretty much already won. I mean, not only does it feel like you're staring into Home Simpson's soul when you look at Deep Fried Beer, but it also feels like you're staring into the portal to heaven.
Michael Jackson (1958-2009) with his Birthday Slut escort Bubbles
Lea Michele (24)
John Hensley (33)
Carla Gugino (39)
Meshell Ndegeocello (42)
Frances Ruffelle (45)
Rebecca De Mornay (48)
Todd English (50)
Mark Morris (53)
Deborah Van Valkenburgh (58)
Robin Leach (69)
Joel Schumacher (71)
Elliot Gould (72)
William Friedkin (75)
Richard Attenborough (87)