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After Jeremy London gave all of us the laughs for claiming that he was forced to smoke crack and pass out booze in the gang areas of Palm Springs by evil kidnappers, his ventriloquist dummy of a wife spit out the same story. Melissa Cunningham went for the laughs herself by saying that the kidnappers drove her home after she cried about being scared. That joke never gets old and should really be inducted into the comedy hall of fame. There's no gongs involved when Melissa and Jeremy open up their mouths.

Well, Melissa is now saying that she believes the kidnapping thing was really a drug deal gone wrong. Fuck me in the ass with a DUH! You don't say?

Melissa and Jeremy are both shooting Celebrity Rehab right now, and she took a break from getting high on Dr. Drew's glare to talk to Radar Online. Melissa admits that they were both messed up on Ambien before the "kidnapping." Melissa says she told them to drive her ass home, because she overheard Jeremy asking them for Vicodin and she didn't want any part of that.

Melissa said, “I did overhear him... he said something about Vicodin. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but that is what got me pissed and I asked to be driven home. I thought, ‘Get me out of this car, something shady is going to go on’, but Jeremy was like, ‘Oh, no problem, no problem’ and I said no, take me home, right now. I think they wanted me to leave, so they could go party with Jeremy or whatever they had planned.”

When asked if she thinks Jeremy made up the whole kidnapping thing, Melissa said, “I can’t answer that question with a clear conscious... because I don’t know what went on when I was out of the car."

Meanwhile, 26-year-old Brandon Adams is still sitting in a jail cell on kidnapping charges.

It was nice of Melissa to clear up the obvious for us, but there's still a million more questions that need answering. 1) Is it true that Jeremy London came up with that crackamaney scheme while watching a Six Feet Under rerun on a TV in a Super 8? 2) Is it true that Melissa is actually a discount blow-up doll version of Brittany from Daria? 3) In her expert opinion, does she believe that Ambien is having the BEST YEAR EVER? 4) More importantly, why am I still posting about Jeremy Fucking London?

Brit Brit is in the fetal position on the kitchen floor this morning, because one of the men who gave her the meaning of life has gone off to heaven, where everything you touch leaves your hands looking like you just gave a hand job to a Cheez puff. Morrie Yohai, who helped to create the Cheez Doodle, died of cancer on July 27th at the age of 90.

Brit Brit usually starts her day with a bowl of Cheetos Puffs, Velveeta cheese and a sprinkling of Easy Mac dust, but this morning she'll use Cheez Doodles in honor of Morrie. If it wasn't for Morrie, she'd never have Cheetos Puffs, which means she wouldn't have ANYTHING!

Morrie was born into a snack food dynasty, but he didn't take over the family company until he graduated from Wharton and served some time in World War II. Back in 2005, Morrie talked to Newsday (via The State) about how they came up with the puffy dingle of deliciousness that melts in your mouth and sticks to your bowels forever.

"We were looking for another snack item," he said. "We were fooling around and found out that there was a machine that extruded cornmeal and it almost popped like popcorn."

Yohai and his partners thought of chopping the cornmeal product into pieces and coating it with cheese. "We wanted to make it as healthy as possible," he said, "so it was baked, not fried."

And, he said, the name Doodle occurred to him as they sat around a table tasting different kinds of cheese on the snacks.

Rest in peace, Morrie. We will all remember today as we stick a Cheez Doodle in our mouths and suck on it until it disintegrates all over our teeth. Just like a Cheez Doodle, life is a precious gift that only lasts a short time. Or is it that just like a Cheez Doodle, life is filled with a bunch of shit that not even a piece of floss can get out.

And I know Morrie died of cancer, but the police should still question Chester Cheetah.

Every bar, club, restaurant and crack house with a liquor license will be throwing Lindsay Lohan a welcome home party today since she's been released back into the wild! But unfortunately for their asses, the guest of honor will not attend, because she's already in rehab.

After serving 13 days out of her 90-day sentence, LiLo was freed from Lynwood at around 1:35am (which ironically is last call in L.A.) this morning. Amnesty International can call off the fake tanning strike, because LiLo's jailhouse suffering has come to an end.

A rep for the Sheriff's Department released this statement after her release:

"She was released at 1:35 a.m. She has been sent directly to her next destination, which is a treatment center. And she will now be under the supervision of the L.A. County probation department. This concludes her custody."

TMZ says that contrary to their reports, LiLo will be treated at UCLA Medical Center instead of Morningside in Newport Beach. Their sources say that although LiLo won't be thrown in the psych ward, she will still receive treatment for a bipolar disorder as well her addictions to the bad shit.

LiLo snuck out the back, so there's no pictures of her tearfully embracing White Oprah or dropping to her knees to kiss the outside ground (aka trying to sniff up any mind-altering substances that have been marinating in the concrete). But the paps did manage to get a picture of LiLo's #1 fan! Yeah, that looks about right.

Nobody puts Paris Hilton's vaginal wart in the corner. - MonkeyGlock

Runners-up:

That's what you get for walking into White Oprah's bedroom before she's had time to put on her make-up. Next time you'll knock. - starvis

Don't tell me The Blair Witch Project 3 ends this way too. - CindyC

When jailers in New Jersey removed Snooki's bump-it, they were in for a surprise. - Aphid

Russell "Cashman" Oliver, a Toronto legend (or so I'm told) who was at the top of the Cash 4 Gold game long before MC Hammer came along.

That face up there looks like it will siphon your soul out of your mouth in the middle of the night, but that's not what The Cashman wants to do! The Cashman just wants to buy all your gold (even teefs) for cash. The Cashman is not only a one trick pimp either. He's also known as The Loan Arranger (I can't with that one).

For over 10 years, The Cashman has been entertaining Toronto audiences with his broke down, fucked up commercials where dignity takes a back seat to foolery. He has his own YouTube channel which features his greatest hits including a commercial starring a fake Princess Diana (which aired right before her death) and another one with The Cashman as Supercashman (DC Comics sued his ass for that one).

Below is just a taste of The Cashman's fuckery. I really feel like I should be watching this on public TV at 3am after the drunks have taken me over:

(For Holly)

Apollonia (51)
Hallie Eisenberg (18)
Edward Furlong (33)
Sam Worthington (34)
Jacinda Barrett (38)
Kevin Smith (40)
Mary-Louise Parker (46)
Cynthia Stevenson (48)
Victoria Jackson (51)
Anthony Crivello (55)
Butch Patrick (57)
Joanna Cassidy (65)
Wes Craven (71)
Peter O'Toole (78)