Earlier I posted a few pictures of the former Crackie of Camden Amy Wino looking like she just rolled herself out of the sewer after unsuccessfully wrassling a gang of drunk rats for the last drop of sweet nectar in a Jim Beam bottle. Even the homeless crackheads were passing her a few dollars from their daily earnings.
But it's a new damn night in London, because here's Wino standing upright and showing off her rent-to-own titty balls at the opening of a new bar with her boyfriend Reg Traviss. Yeah, at the opening of a bar.... I guess officials in the area should let every park bench know to brace themselves just in case.
I interrupt our regularly scheduled fuckery to bring you the news that California's Prop 8, which doesn't let the gays and gayelles ruin their lives by getting married, has been overturned by U.S District Judge Vaugh Walker. I am celebrating by posting this picture of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper holding the beautiful furry bouquet he will carry down the aisle at our California wedding, which will be held in the parking lot of an In-N-Out. Visit Queerty to get all the details (on the ruling, not my delusional wedding).
And now let's get back to talking about important shit like what LiLo bought from the rehab vending machine today.
DanRad's got a new girl to run her fingers through the luscious overgrown field of follicles over his eyes and to pick him up by the waist to give him a precious peck on the lips. Apparently, the girl who is sitting next to DanRad in that picture above is his new nighttime tickle partner. The Daily Mail says that DanRad met her while filming Harry Potter. No, she's not Hagrid's long lost secret love child with Rumer Willis. Her name is Olive Uniacke and she's the 19-year-old stepdaughter of one of the producers, so she's not trying to snatch a few gold coins from DanRad's pot.
A source-type tells the Daily Mail that Olive has known DanRad BP (before pubes). They started hanging out during the filming of the first Harry Potter movie a million years ago, but the source claims they've been spending more time together recently. The source also let it be known that Olive usually doesn't go for dudes like DanRad, "She has usually gone for bad boys and Dan is quite preppy. Olive is renowned for holding some of the best house parties, really great bashes. She can be quite wild. She loves to drink champagne, particularly Moet, and she chain-smokes Camel cigarettes. She also loves to go nightclubbing.’"
This source must be a virgin pilgrim nun who marinates her ears in holy water every time she hears the word "damn," because I wouldn't use the wild label to describe a 19-year-old girl who smokes and drinks champagne. A lot of 19-year-old girls smoke and drink champagne. Shit, nowadays a lot of 9-year-olds smoke and drink champagne.
But at least the police know who to arrest when DanRad is caught drinking Andre and sucking on fags. Olive Uniacke is corrupting Harry Potter!
(Image via Splash)
So now we know what Lindsay Lohan was really doing in jail. She was writing songs for the Queen of the Lesbians (Rojo Caliente will let that one pass for now). By clicking play, you are acknowledging that the lyric "girls come and see my vagina" will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day.
FYI: Homegirl here made up this song in response to this.
InTouch Weekly must really love getting the word "LOOSERZ" spray-painted on their front office door by a rabid Brangeloonie, because they just won't stop waving their shank at St. Angie Jolie. This week they might get an extra "LOOSERZ" on their door for claiming that all the members of the child army barely know who St. Angie is. And Lucifer's work of fiction award goes to....
A source tells InTouch that the holy family is staying at the Claremont Hotel in Oakland, CA while Brad Pitt shoots Moneyball in the Bay Area. The source was in the club area of the hotel on July 30th when they witnessed a little scene between, Maddox, Pax and their nanny. St. Angie was not around. The source went on to say, "At one point, Maddox and Pax got into a brotherly spat over some ketchup. The nanny firmly said, ‘Mad, let Paxie have some ketchup.’ Maddox said, ‘Mom, do I have to?’ and Pax was whining, ‘Mom, make him give me some.’”
PAXIE AND MAD?!!!!! What in the coochie napkin hell?! Isn't that what a dyslexic reads when they look at a box of Stayfree? You know, I'm just going to stop right here, because that's all I needed to see. We can all shut it down now.
But before you do that, here's Angie showing her true horrible mother colors by taking her kids toy shopping in Oakland yesterday.
Obviously, Pax is saying to her, "Who are you? Why are you holding my hand? Where's mom? Why are you telling me to smile at the cameras?" Or maybe he's saying, "Why did you do this to my hair? And you can tell the nanny to stop calling me PAXIE!" Yeah, that's probably what he said.
This is the poster from the mockumentary about Joaquin Phoenix retiring from acting to pursue a life as a scabies-infested dirty ball of hair coughed into an alley way by a mangy cat with bad allergies.
Joaquin snorted up half the title, so you might not be able to read it. This mess is called "I'm Still Here". It really should've been called "Casey Affleck Sexually Harassed EVERYONE While Making This Shit". Or "Why Didn't James Franco Think Of This?".
Eddie Cibrian's soon-to-be ex-wife Brandi Glanville is biting back at LeAnn Rimes for fucking on him while they were together. Specifically, Brandi is biting into a pillow (Brandi calls that particular pillow "LeAnn") while getting dicked from behind by Eddie!
According to Star Magazine, Eddie cheated on LeAnn with Brandi whom he dropped for LeAnn. Brandi is straight up pulling some "What Goes Around Cums On My Titties" shit! It's a good thing that none of these sluts have dignity or self-respect, because it makes for a hot Star Magazine cover.
A source says that Eddie just can't keep his wandering wang in check even though he has moved in with LeAnn. The source adds that long after Eddie got with LeAnn full-time, he started bumping genitals with his wife Brandi.
Brandi didn't even to try to deny it when Star asked her about it. Brandi said, "LeAnn is getting a bitter taste of her own medicine. Eddie will keep cheating, because that’s just what he does.” And that bitterness LeAnn is tasting is actually Brandi's pussy juices on Eddie's peen.
LeAnn would get revenge on Eddie by boning her ex, but his face is currently occupied by a few pairs of musty nutsacks and she doesn't want to be rude by asking them to leave.
"eHarmony, can you heeeeeeaaar me?" Jennifer Aniston took a break from organizing her Cabbage Patch Dolls in order of personality type to Streisand-ize herself for the pages of Harper's Bizarre! If you fill your eye sockets with lonely tears, hug your boyfriend pillow, flare your nostrils and bite on a stick of butter while humming the lyrics to "People," she sort of looks like Barbra Streisand. But these would probably still look better with Jen's birth nose.
I can see why Jen chose to channel Streisand! They have the exact same talents! Barbra can sing, act, direct and wear the fuck out of velvet! And Jen....well....she's the master at hiding her nips in photo shoots! TWINS!
Here's what Jen had to say about Barbra and other things:
Aniston on what she's learned from Barbra: “You don’t have to stop at one thing. You can do it all if you want to.”
Aniston on being in the spotlight: “[Barbra and I] are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and you just keep riding, and you keep overcoming.”
Aniston on why she looks up to Barbra: “Barbra inspires me because there isn’t anything she hasn’t done that she wanted to do, especially as a female in the time when her generation was prime. She’s a true renaissance woman. . . I had a long conversation with Barbra about directing because I directed a short a couple years ago, and if I don’t do it again soon, I’m going to burst out of my skin. And we also love interior design."
Aniston on why complete strangers stop to point and laugh at her while she's buying bibs for her cats at Babies "R" Us: “People laugh at me. Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don’t. But I can pretty much find humor in anything. That is a necessary part of life. I don’t want to say laughter is healing, because it sounds corny, but it’s a release.”
And somewhere there's a wheezy old queen in Palm Springs sitting in his Streisand-themed office and writing the hate letter of all hate letters to Jennifer Aniston. Maddox will hand deliver it to Jen if the wheezy old queen needs him to.
If you look outside your window you might see Brit Brit Spears attacking inanimate objects with an umbrella and Parasite Hilton crying whore tears of injustice while being dragged away by the police, because apparently it's 2007 all over again! Case in point: The Sun published a picture of Amy Wino broke off and dozed off on a park bench in London at 9:30 yesterday morning. Wino is sprawled out like she's about to give birth to a liver that reeks of a bar back's dish rag. Or maybe Wino is just sunning her whiskey bloat.
The Sun says that Wino collapsed on top of the park bench after a tour of drunkery which spanned several neighborhoods, lasted 16 hours and included appearances by Mischa Barton and Russell Brand's dad Ron. A source said that Wino's booze binge started because she had a fight with her boyfriend Reg Traviss.
Wino tried to keep the foolery going past 9am, but a cab driver said she eventually passed out. The cabbie said, "She was totally gone. She'd no idea what she was doing. She said her boyfriend had no respect for her and was blubbing away - I gave her a tissue. A car nearly hit her as she walked in the road. It had to brake really hard."
When Wino peeled herself off the bench, she did the drunk walk to her house, where she sat on the steps and brought the raw drunk emotion during a phone call.
I put all the blame on those ballet slippers! They are like the Red Shoes, but instead of making Wino bust out the dance steps, they make her bust the booze into her froat! I bet those slippers were a gift to Wino from the alcohol industry. I see their tricks.
And you might not even be reading this since you're probably broke off and dozed off on top of your office desk right now.
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