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You know it's going to be a special kind of weekend when it starts with the blessed image of the technicolor unicorn horn who goes by the name of Angelyne. Since my ass doesn't live in L.A., I feel like it's such a rare moment whenever I get a glimpse of this exquisite raver angel who fell off the face of a Garbage Pail Kid card a million years ago during a meteor shower. Here she is practically flashing her start fruit while shopping for toiletries at a drug store in Malibu today.

This is what it looks like when you chew on a glow stick while watching Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? shortly after washing down an acid tab with Dimetapp. Take it all in!

Inception's Tom Hardy admitted in an interview to licking on a few pairs of peen lips back in the day, and now he's telling Men's Health UK about his days as a drunked up whorey mess of all messes. Tom really knows to crawl into my heart with words. Tom plumped up his lips and cooed:

"I thought I'd have a little bit of a party, and I'd end up high and frightened, in places that scared me. In a blackout I could end up anywhere. I might wake up somewhere the other side of London, or in another country. Or in bed with someone I didn't know, not knowing how I got there. Bleeding. This was on a daily basis. And I was going to work. I didn't want to appear rock 'n' roll. I didn't want anyone to know I was out of control, but I couldn't hide it. Eventually, the body gives up. My body told me. I was completely kaput. I was lucky I didn't get hepatitis or AIDS."

Frightened? Scared? Blacking out? Bleeding? Waking up in a different country? Was Tom partying with Amy Wino? Or maybe he went out with Gerard Butler, because when you go out with that bitch you will end up nekkid on the floor of a jail cell somewhere surrounded by a bunch of foreign police officers spraying you down with funny smelling liquid. It's guaranteed!

via HuffPo

This actor, whose big break came from an HBO series thought it would be a good idea to expand his repertoire three weekends or so ago. We’re not talking so much about his acting career, we’re talking about his sinful behavior. He told sources later he was investigating for a role, but he decided to cruising in a local park. Instead of finding a partner, he found someone who offered him loads of drugs. He took them, but only for his ‘acting role’ of course. Not Jonathan Rhys Meyers. (BuzzFoto)

ASKARS? ASKARS?! ASKARS!?! There needs to be an App for that right now.

Two reality show people. One married. One not. They’ve been carrying on behind the scenes for months. The married one is leaving their spouse and coming out to be with the other one. Publicly. The production company has plenty of changes to deal with at this point and doesn’t know yet how they are going to handle this bombshell. (Blind Gossip)

Jill Zarin and Countess LuMann from The Real Housewives of NYC? Sheree and Kim Zolciak from The Real Housewives of Atlanta? Juicy Delicious and Albie Manzo from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? Teresa Giudice and Prostitution Whore-ah from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? OR all of the above. Yeah, definitely all of the above.

This C list movie actress who used to be right on the verge of A list at one time has been in this space before. After a short break she has restarted her S&M service for the discerning celebrities. One of her new employees is a favorite of this A list celebutard who is married to a B+/A- list movie actress. The reason she is a favorite? Looks like his wife, but does things his wife does not. (CDAN)

This is probably as far away from correct as possible, but I'll go with Gretchen Mol, Brian Austin Green and Megan Fox?

This B- movie actor is a very good looking guy. Well most people think he is. I think he looks like he takes steroids. Anyway. His celebutante wife is usually stuck to his side like glue. One day she wasn't though and he came home with the gift that keeps on giving. She will never ever leave him though because she worked and worked to get him to marry her after a string of other celebrity relationships did not quite get her to the altar. (CDAN)

The gift that keeps on giving? Like a Fry Daddy, a waffle maker or a butt vibrator? Why would that piss her off? Those are all beautiful things! But seriously, my guesses are: Matthew McConaughey, Josh Duhamel or Cam Gigandet?

Brit Brit's poak chops are on display. Don't ask her where the apple sauce is! - Hollywood Tuna

The watermelon-eating kitty should've taught Katy Perry how you really eat a watermelon -Egotastic!

Justin Timberlake will voice a singing ball of nose shit on The Cleveland Show. So basically he's playing himself - Towleroad

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - Lainey Gossip

Haitian citizen Sean Penn is definitely not going to vote for Wyclef Jean as his new president! Oh wait... - The Superficial

This is what Young Jenny from Forrest Gump has been up to (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

The clearance bin Patrick Bateman is in rehab - Celebitchy

Amy Poehler had another BABY!!! and gave him a name which sounds like a popular malt liquor beverage enjoyed by college students with fancier tastes - Just Jared

Robbie Williams is becoming someone's husband tomorrow - I'm Not Obsessed

That poor helicopter pilot - Popsugar

JLo for Cavalli - ICYDK

This is what Tommy Girl and John Travolta do when they're in the pool together - Cityrag

Russell Brand half-nekkid and bleeding in the mouth. This is just a regular day in the life. - SOW

John Travolta's got moves! - Hollywood Rag

Miles from Work of Art has nalgas and here they are - OMG Blog

In case you want to spend the next 12-minutes of your Friday watching the official Lost epilogue, here it is. Millions of questions are answered (not really)! Unfortunately, the Smoke Monster doesn't pop up at the end and wink at the camera (Do smoke monsters wink or is that too obvious for their asses?). But there is an appearance by the Dharma Van and zero mention of Kate, so that's sort of a winning equation!!!

If the video above has been snatched away, click here.

via Dark UFO (Thanks Ken)

Whoever is in charge of holidays needs to officially declare it Celebrity Yearbook Photo Week, because we've already seen Christina Hendricks and Jakey G before they were famous. And now here's Megan Fox's middle school yearbook picture courtesy of ONTD!!

Long before Megan switched faces with a mannequin, she was just a regular 7th grader at John Hopkins Middle School. A regular 7th grader who obviously just learned the power of a pair of tweezers. Megan probably spent the entire hour in homeroom slowly plucking the ends of her brows. I know her ass! There was this one girl my 7th grade class who was so damn trigger happy with a pair of tweezers that it made me weep inside! My brow-loving soul would curl up as I watched brow follicle after brow follicle slowly fall on her book cover made from a grocery store paper bag. Brow abuse! By the end of the school year, bitch had two half brows. Two half brows definitely make a one big wrong! Thankfully, it doesn't look like Megan Fox went that far.

And now, you should celebrate Yearbook Photo Week by sharing your 7th grade picture. I would go first, but I threw that shit in the trash a long time ago. My ass looked like a SANS FARDS Tootsie with braces and a mushroom head haircut.

Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husband, because reindeers are stealing errybody around here!

via Jezebel

And here's something I never thought would grace my inbox, but it has! One of Siegfried & Roy's former employees has gone off to The National Enquirer to pass them a video of Roy Horn allegedly groping on his genitals (among other things) without asking for permission. The major twist is that the former employee is not a tiger or any member of the cat family. CUT TO DRAMA CAT!

Even though Roy was left disabled after getting attacked by a tiger 7 years ago, the assistant says that didn't stop him from doing illegal sex shit on several male employees. The assistant, who started working for Siegfried & Roy in May 2008, says the harassment went on for 2 years. He has already reported it, and is planning on throwing a civil suit at Roy Horn.

The assistant smartly took a page out of OctoSana's playbook and secretly recorded Roy in the act. He told the Enquirer, "Roy Horn's sexual advances became unbearable, and began to take on the shape of unprovoked sexual attacks. He ordered me to touch his genitals and groped me repeatedly, both inside and outside my pants. He also threatened to fire me if I didn't comply."

This changes my pristine image of Roy! Here I was thinking that Siegfried & Roy don't partake in sexual pleasures, because they get off on lounging on their waterbed with wind from a fan softly blowing their freshly waxed chests. With their white tigers surrounding them, they gently feed each other fresh grapes. I thought that was sex to them. Everything is shattered now!

Anyways, BoyCulture has a grainy shot from the video. I'm mad that Roy Horn looks like Kim Jong-il without his glasses in that picture. Not only do I have the image of Roy Horn possibly forcing a dude on his crotch, but now I also have the image of Kim Jon-il forcing a dude on his crotch.

via Gawker

St. Angie Jo is still getting asked why 4-year-old Shiloh looks like she's starring in an adorable playground version of Miami Vice as Det. James Crockett. Grazia (via HuffPo) published a quote from St. Angie where she explains why Shiloh has Sandy Duncan hair. St. Angie put it like this:

"It's not my choice. I have a very strong-willed four-year-old girl, who tells me what she wants to wear and I let her be who she is. I think people think kids should be a certain way, but I feel they should wear what they feel like wearing and they should express themselves. Shiloh cried one night and said, 'Please cut my hair off. I don't want to have long hair.' I'm not going to leave it long because somebody thinks I should."

So basically, St. Angie blasted "Invincible" from the boombox and cut Shiloh's hair in front of the mirror while they raised their fists up against the man ala Legend of Billie Jean.

From now on, when nosy bitches ask about Shiloh's look, St. Angie should simply just say, "It's Montenegro style! Google it, you dumb fuck!" It will save a lot of time.

And this just in, UsWeekly posted a picture of Shiloh in board shorts at the pool. Here we go! Let's just tell the dumb hos that will freak out about this that it's Montenegro RESORT style and move along....

Right after the latest episode of the Italian renaissance performance art piece that is Jersey Shore aired last night, MTV hung up another work of HIGH!!!AR!!!!T when they premiered the 142-second long for Kanye West's video for "Power" directed by artist Marco Brambilla. Let me pull off my CAPS LOCK key and shove it up my culo as punishment (wink wink) for calling this a video. As Kanye says, it's a moving painting! It's like egotry in motion!

My abuelita used to have this lit painting thing of a Jesus near a waterfall hanging in her bedroom. When you plugged it in, it would light up and the waterfall would start flowing. It was the classiest thing I had ever seen (I didn't know about velvet paintings back then). I actually like this mess from Kanye, because it reminds me of that elegant flowing waterfall. I also like Kanye's moving painting, because he's wearing one of Kelly Bensimon's owl necklaces.

Fun fact: 142 is also the number of times Kanye jizzed into his silk Versace chonies while watching this for the first time.