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Betty Ford is currently the place where Lindsay Lohan is trying to kill her nostril's hunger for the bad shit dust and her throat's craving for orange Creamsicle pills, but her ex-father tells UsWeekly that she's wasting her time and money. The sundried turtle says that LiLo might as well have checked into Hedonism for treatment, because Betty Ford is nothing more an overpriced spa. Apparently, Michael should know since his stupid ass spent some time there.

Michael spat this mess out, "Look at the 'short' list of people who went to Betty Ford -- most, if not all, have relapsed. I went there myself, and I will tell you, Betty Ford is a country club. They administer prescription meds and even put their patients on prescription meds. Once more, they don't have family therapy at all. The root of her problems is her family. his will not work -- mark my words! If Betty Ford gives her any prescription drugs, they become another enabler. Back to square one!"

"Skidmark my words" is more like it. Okay, 99% of what comes out of Michael Lohan's mouth belongs at the bottom of an out of service Port-A-Potty off the Garden State Parkway, but he's actually making sense here. Round up all the Lohans from Nana to 45-year-old Ali and throw them all into a room. Instead of giving all of us aches in our heads, eyes and ears, they can slowly destroy each other.

SPOILER ALERT: The only bitch that would come out of that room alive is Nana Lohan. She'll have a piece of White Oprah's ratty weave in one hand and Michael Lohan's soul-killing cell phone case in the other.

On the left we have Tom Hardy making those arm veins bulge like Kirstie Alley's colon after feeding time while carrying grocery bags home in Vancouver. And on the right we have Ryan Gosling eating the fuck out of an apple on the set of his movie in Los Angeles. It really is the simple things in life that give you a reason to take your pants off during a work day.

The only way these pictures could be better is if Ryan Gosling was biting into Tom Hardy's succulent nalgas instead of that apple.......

Actually, the image of Ryan Gosling Cape Fear-ing Tom Hardy's ass cheek isn't one that makes me want to close the drapes. Why do I have to ruin everything?!

The glorious mess that is Paz de la Huerta flashes her chocha bush in Purple - Celebslam

Heidi Klum quit Victoria's Secret, which means they're going to need another Angel, which means it's finally Phoebe Price's chance! - The Superficial

The sound of hip-hop crying - Lainey Gossip

I don't really like Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene together. Mostly because he seems to lose his "kill those hos" strut when he's with her ass (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Rachel Bilson is absolutely...shinyfaced - Hollywood Tuna

50 Cent has incredible timing - Towleroad

Emma Stone in Nylon - The Berry

Yup, Miranda Kerr's got a baby in there - Popoholic

Basement Baby brings the Baduizm to her head - Necole Bitchie

The closest you will get to a Seal and Heidi Klum porn - Celebitchy

What in the hell kind of GD outfit is Katherine Hagel wearing? - Just Jared

Kelly Rowland in her panties for Complex - Egotastic!

Since when did a tutu become a nipple hider? - Popsugar

Where Beyonce's weaves go to die - ICYDK

Tony Curtis loved flowers and pussy - Cityrag

See, this is what happens when you let Papa Joe pick your next leased piece - I'm Not Obsessed

Tony Dovolani and Maksim Chewmoskyorwhatever, I still would - SOW

The new American Idol judges have barely started filming and there's already the beginnings of a bitch fight brewing between JLo and tiny little Gaycrest. This isn't really much of a bitch fight since JLo's turds are bigger than Gaycrest. Gaycrest can easily disappear with just one quick suck from JLo's b-hole. Yup, where do you think most of the Fly Girls ended up? They effed with JLo.

A source tells InTouch Weekly that Gaycrest is actually the one who suggested JLo to the judges and he doesn't like how she's turning on the diva bitch switch around him. The source says that they are scrappin' over stupid crap like who should get top billing and who should get the better dressing room, etc... The source went on to say, “Ryan was the one who first suggested Jennifer, but now he’s starting to regret it, because she’s acting like she’s a much bigger star than he is. Ryan knows the diva behavior is likely to get worse before it gets better. Producers are trying to get them to make peace, but their egos are both pretty big.”

Both of these two cuntfarts need to get over themselves. JLo shouldn't even be allowed to host a dog howling contest let alone American Idol, so she should just collect her check with a smile and shut the hell up. And if it wasn't for American Idol, Gaycrest would never have enough cash to hire a full-time house boy whose one job is to get on all fours in the kitchen so that he can use his nekkid back to get to the cabinets.

And JLo should watch herself, because Joel McHale is not going to like this. He's supposed to be Gaycrest's arch rival and nobody else!

What's lazier than this kitten? NOTHING! This tiny pussy is so damn lazy that it's trying to turn a teacup into its own personal lounging pod. Hey, lazy puss, that's for drinking, not for sleeping!

But where there's a will to take a damn nap, there's a way....

I guess laziness always prevails (as is evident by this post my ass just wrote).

via Buzzfeed

I didn't get to watch "The Kiss" episode of Modern Family last night, because I had to watch She's Got The Look, America's Next Top Model, Survivor, Top Chef: Just Desserts and Ma's Roadhouse instead. Before you ask yourself how my brain cells can function after eating all of that crap-covered crap, ask yourself if I had any brain cells to begin with. Good point, I know.

So after months of Modern Family fans complaining about Cam and Mitch staying away from each other's lips all last season, the two finally shared a small kiss at the end of last night's episode. Queerty says that the kiss came after we find out that Mitch isn't really comfortable with PDA, because his father didn't show him any affection as a kid. When Cam and Mitch did kiss at a PDA intervention staged by Gloria, the moment was so short and kind of easy to miss. That was probably the producers way of saying "two dudes kissing isn't a big deal" or "PDA doesn't always mean sticking your tongue down each other's throat." Or maybe that's all ABC would allow. Who knows!

The one thing that did bother me about the clips that I watched was when Cam says that gays don't high-five. SINCE WHEN?! I'll have the writers know that I high-five myself after sex whenever the condom comes out clean. No poop noodles today. Thankyouveryfuckingmuch!

Click here if you can't see the clip above.

Sort of. Kind of. OctoSana and Mel Gibson are still slapping each other in the pussies in their neverending custody battle for their little baby girl Lucia. In her ongoing campaign to paint (not even one coat is needed) Mad Mel as a shit dad who shouldn't even be left take care of a broken Tamagotchi, OctoSana testified in front of the lawyers that he once "dropped their baby while smoking a cigarette outside." Brit Brit taught him well.

Radar reports that OctoSana said in her deposition that she left Lucia (who was 2-months old at the time) with Mad Mel while she went off to do some crap upstairs. When she came downstairs, Mel told her that he did something stupid. Mel wasn't talking about What Women Want, he was talking about leaving Lucia on a table without supervision. Mel eventually told OctoSana that before he went out to smoke a cig, he put Lucia on a cushion on top of a table. Needless to say, that wasn't a good idea, because she slide off that shit and busted her ass.

OctoSana said, "I asked him how it happened, and what had happened and how he found her, and he explained everything to me. Showed where she fell from and I analyzed her and looked at her eyes. I looked at her bruises - not bruises but the bump on her front and the bump on her back, back of the head and the front of the head and analyzed that - but she looked focused. After initial shock of crying and, of course, I consoled her and she stopped crying eventually."

OctoSana said she had to take Lucia to a baby chiropractor for treatment, "Her head was very conehead like and he helped with that."

What in the sweet fuck is wrong with Mel? Everybody knows that if you're going to put a baby on a table, you put the cushions AROUND them in case they go tumbling down while you're outside snorting lines or jacking off into the rose garden. Or whatever. If there's not enough cushions around for you to do that, just put the baby in the dryer (DON'T TURN IT ON) or throw her into a dog carrier bag and bring her with you. I swear. Do I have to teach a parenting class to these fuckheads?

But to play devil's advocate, if you were a 2-month old baby and Mel was taking care of you, wouldn't you throw yourself off the table so you could crawl to the nearest exit? Yeah, you would. Mel can use that defense in court.

Dust a cell off in death row and fire up the electric chair, because Parasite Hilton took part in a vicious pap smear in L.A. last night!!!!!! PAP KILLER! Okay, okay, Wonks didn't exactly "partake" in this accident and she didn't try to brutally murder a paparazzo, but I really needed that headline this morning so give me that.

Wonk's boyfriend Cy Waits was trying to drive away from Boa in West Hollywood last night, but he had some trouble because of the mob of paps that surrounded the car. Cy gave the international noise for MOVETHEFUCKOUTTATHEWAY at those hos to scatter, but they didn't. He eventually hit the gas, which caused him to hit Chunk from Goonies a lady pap.

When one of my friends got her foot ran over by a taxi, she said that her biggest regret was that she didn't fall to the ground in a cloud of OW OW OW OWs and beg somebody to get her a priest to read her last rites. That would've looked better for her case. Well, the lady pap isn't going to have that regret, because she made it loud and clear that she got hurt. Cy and Wonks stayed in the car for a quick minute before driving away.

Radar says that the pap called the police shortly after the accident. Cy Waits came back to Boa so the police could give him a DUI test. Cy was given a citation and will have to show up to court next month.

On a positive note, this Wonky pap smear didn't result in a team of doctors and nurses running from the room in terror and the CDC having to quarantine an entire hospital. It was not a scene out of The Host, so that's good.

Ever since Phil Donahue went off the air, daytime television has been aching for a sexy something with hair made out of the rainbow blessed tears of a unicorn virgin princess. And Anderson Cooper is going to fill that void. Not-so-fun-fact: "Anderson Cooper is going to fill that void" is embroidered into the ass of all my chonies. We're all friends here whether you like it or not. You had to know.

The Livefeed reports that Mah Boo is in serious serious SERIOUS serious talks with Warner Bros. about bringing his signature giggle to daytime television five days a week. That means we (and by "we" I mean mean me) will get it good from Mah Boo during the day and at night. Because apparently, Mah Boo will stay on CNN where he has an exclusive contract. Warner Bros. and CNN are trying to work that minuscule detail out. If everything goes according to plan, Mah Boo's show will debut on a major network next fall.

The show will be a mix of serious news stories and pop culture shit. It will also feature a daily cameo by a crazed and foaming at the mouth gay who will storm the set in a bridal tuxedo

I first knew Mah Boo when he hosted a low-budget news show that played during junior high school home room and here he is becoming the new Oprah. Let's all toast to Mah Boo's new show, which I hope will be called AfterCOOP Delight. Or Give It To Me In The Cooper. Yeah, let's go with the latter.

UPDATE: It's happening!

Eddie Fisher now has somebody to skip with him all the way up to heaven. Hollywood legend Tony Curtis passed away at his home in Las Vegas late last night at the age of 85. Tony died of cardiac arrest. A rep for his daughter Jamie Lee Curtis confirmed that Tony is no longer with us.

When I was reading about Tony at The L.A. Times, I couldn't believe it when I read the sentence "nominated for one Oscar". And Tony never won! Tony was nominated for The Defiant Ones, but not for Some Like It Hot, Houdini, Sweet Smell of Success or Spartacus. I mean, that bath scene with Laurence Olivier in Spartacus deserves something besides a mention in AFI's Gayest Moments in Cinema.

Rest in peace, Tony Curtis... You will live on forever thanks to this:

And also thanks to the mural of you on the 101 Freeway in Hollywood. That mural is my favorite. No tagger better even think of touching that mural with paint. Ever.

(Image via Flickr)