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Every time I see someone wearing CROCS (this is an illegal offense) or hear someone blasting a Ke$hit song from their car, I want to throw on a bobby hat and declare a CITIZEN'S ARREST! CITIZEN'S ARREST! So I'm totally jealous of the paparazzo who straight up dropped a citizen's arrest on Russell Brand's ass at LAX today. This is according to TMZ who has tape of that mess.

Russell and Katy Perry were going through LAX this afternoon when a pap did something to put fire on his taint. The pap must've told Russell that his hair doesn't look as silky smooth as a unicorn's mane in person, because he conjured up the glittery powers of Glamberace and went after that fucker. Russell threw fists and whooped that trick! But the pap had the most fun when he got pull a citizen's arrest Russell.

The cops at LAX eventually took over and officially arrested Russell. They took him into custody and booked him for battery.

Here's EXCLUSIVE video of Russell's arrest:

I so have to do that at least once this weekend.

UPDATE: And now with pictures!

UPDATE II: Katy Perry Tweeted that Russell Brand was defending her honor: "If you cross the line & try an put a lens up my dress, my fiancé will do his job & protect me. #standbyyourman #don'tfuckwiththeBrands."

When OctoMom first burst onto the ho stroll after bursting out 8 BABIES!!!, Vivid Entertainment offered her $1 million to spread her C-section scar in a porn movie. Octo clutched her rosary, made the sign of the cross and was so offended by Vivid's offer that she almost fainted into a puddle of offensiveness.

Well, it's 7-months later and Octo couldn't even pop 8 dollars out of her pussy if she tried. Octo is about to move her child army into the Super 8 down the street and she's putting on her chanklas right now to pay a visit to the WIC office. Octo's home is facing foreclosure and she might go on welfare.

Vivid heard Octo's woes and so they are circling around her once again. This time they are offering to give her $500,000 for just one hour of boning. This is the open sore letter they released today:

In a letter to Nadya, Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch says "We have an easy and ready solution for you to relieve yourself of this financial problem. We are offering you the opportunity to perform in one scene, for one hour in one of our movies and we will pay you up to $500,000.

"We can arrange for this to happen quickly so that you will get paid in advance of your October deadline.

"We urge you to give our offer serious consideration. We will work closely with you in planning your scene to make this an enjoyable experience for you," he added.

Gossip sites have reported that Nadya is close to going on welfare in order to support her 14 children. If she accepts the offer from Vivid, she will be able to avoid both foreclosure and welfare.

"I hope to hear from her very quickly," says Hirsch. "It appears she has no time to waste and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the results of her shoot with us."

There's no way Octo is going to take this offer. That crazy bitch would rather figuratively fuck taxpayers in the ass than get fucked literally on screen. If I was her, I'd Crisco up my coochie and ask Vivid for the time and place. Screeching babies, clouds of baby diarrhea, toddler vomit everywhere.... You'd have to suck on a crack pipe or suck on a peen just to deal.

That's how you know Octo is on the other side of sane, because she claims nothing makes her happier than hearing all ten million of her kids crying in the morning. Forget 69, 5150 that crazy.

This Reality Star wants out of her marriage. She realizes being married to a sports player is not all it’s cracked up to be. She wants to leave, but her mom, who is also her manager, is making her stay so they can continue to get money. (Downfront2 via Blind Gossip)

Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom? But why isn't her mom Kris Jenner telling her to pop out a Sasquatch baby so she can get even more money out of Lamar? Kris really sucks at pimping.

This couple with the male being a C List celebrity, just announced that they are expecting a baby. After drinking a little too much wine at a recent PR dinner, the male told everyone that the baby isn’t his, he’s convinced that his gardener is the father. (BuzzFoto)

Not Orlando Bloom. Not Javier Bardem. Maybe Vince Vaughn? Or David Blaine?

In the case of a couple where there is a considerable age difference, the older half usually controls the younger half. That’s not the case with this couple. The older half is getting a little desperate about maintaining their career, and has started taking advice from the younger half about everything, from wardrobe to roles to public relations. However, this couple’s strategy is backfiring on them. Magazines, talk shows, and producers are starting to balk at featuring the older one. Why? Because the younger one is so obnoxiously vocal and litigious, they fear that any wrong move they make will result in the young one blaming them and creating a very public spectacle. (Blind Gossip)

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are a mess, so I'll guess them?

The judge in Lindsay Lohan's case made it clear that if she fucks up again she will go back to her private jail room at Lynwood for 30 days. "Fucking up" includes getting an F on a drug test. Well, LiLo must've used the wrong baby's piss during a drug test, because TMZ says that she failed one last week. This is why you have to always drug test the baby you're going to take piss from for your drug test. That crackhed, I swear.

LiLo barely got out of rehab, but according to test results she's back on the shit that put her there in the first place. Even though LiLo swears she didn't fail a test, TMZ is standing by their story. A rep for the D.A. says they have yet to receive the results from her test.

Hmmm. I wonder which excuse LiLo is going to pull out of her ass this time? Maybe Michael Lohan broke into her apartment while she was asleep, drugged her, threw her into a bath tub full of ice and surgically replaced her bladder with a bladder tainted with druggy piss. LiLo regularly wakes up in a bath tub full of ice, so she didn't think anything of it. Or maybe Michael Lohan broke into the drug testing facility and switched her piss with White Oprah's piss. White Oprah's piss is made of pure opiates. This is true.

Who knows which excuse LiLo will use, but I'm sure it will involve Michael Lohan doing some kind of ninja-like shit.

UPDATE: TMZ says that LiLo's drug test came up positive for cocaine. DUMB BITCH! She thought she was snorting up aspirin! She had no idea it was the bad shit even though it came in a plastic baggie and her dealer laid it out for her on her usual mirror. She thought it was aspirin!

UPDATE II: TMZ now says that this dumb fuck got an F on more than one drug tests. Their source said that she flunked a second test, but it wasn't for cocaine. They wouldn't say what it was for. BLOHAN IS BACK!!!!

Brit Brit's wearing chonies! "It's a good day." - Daddy Spears and the world - The Superficial

One time at The Abbey I witnessed some old queen pull a bitch's hair for taking his drink. Sandra Bullock wasn't there though - Lainey Gossip

Monica Cruz reminds me of a Hawaiian Tropic bottle for some reason - Hollywood Tuna

Why did I keep waiting for the "tornado" to rip their shirts off, duuuuude? - Towleroad

But where's Angelyne or Shauna Sand on this list?! - The Berry

Stepford Katie looking better, still zombified - Popoholic

Megan Fox with Brad Pitt's old beard on her crotch (No, it's Sasha Grey) (NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

LeAnn Rimes needs to shut her fingers already - Celebitchy

Kate Walsh's sushi dress is giving me so many "eat fish" jokes - Just Jared

Orlando Bloom was born to wear ruffles and couch fabric - Popsugar

Keeley Hazell's nipples are back - Egotastic!

Lindsay Lohan will host SNL in December - ICYDK

Jeremy Renner making constipatedface in GQ - Cityrag

Farewell, As the World Turns - SOW

Shiloh vs. Miloh - Cityrag

And now a bunch of white powder is on Marilyn Manson's phone - Hollywood Rag

Well, at least T.I. already has a few built-in friends in prison - Crunk + Disorderly

Need an afternoonmare? Oprah-fy yourself! - OMG Blog

Paris Hilton just loves animals. She loves animals so much that she only buys dogs if they match her outfit. And then when she's done with them, she throws the poor bitch into a closet with the others where they survive on eating each other's fleas and drinking each other's saliva.

Since Wonks is a regular St. Francis of Assisi it's no surprise that she took pity on 20 mega bunnies that were about to be fed to snakes at a pet store. Yeah, don't ask me how big those snakes were, because even Kim Kardashian's ass couldn't swallow up those gigantic bunnies.

This is what the Elmyra Duff of whores had to say about her bunny rescue mission:

@_erick_a The bunnies were meant to be feeders. I saw them at the petstore & they told me they were for snake food and I had to save them.
Wed Sep 15 04:02:28 2010 via ÜberTwitter in reply to _erick_a

@shamprei - I rescued 20 of them. They are now happy living in my backyard. They are all so happy, so nice to have changed their fate.
Wed Sep 15 04:08:21 2010 via ÜberTwitter in reply to shamprei

Please tell me that Wonks doesn't know that bunnies pop out babies faster than Michelle Duggar on IVF. The only good that can come of this is if those bunnies multiply into the thousands and eat her, or bury her house in bunny shit.

via UsWeekly

The man who could make your bowel movements seem interesting by narrating them is no longer wearing a wedding band and is officially single. A judge in Mississippi stamped a DIVORCED label in red on Morgan Freeman's marriage of 26 years to Myrna Colley-Lee. Morgan and Myrna actually quit each other in 2007, but she didn't file for divorce until a year later, just days after he got into a car accident with a lady friend of the family. Yup, even God experiences car head gone wrong.

The details of Morgan and Myrna's divorce have been sealed by the court, but Morgan's lawyer tells E! that settlement negotiations went smoothly. Oh, I bet the last Strawberry Shortcake Bar in my freezer that it went smoothly. Myrna sashayed into the office of Morgan's lawyer in her favorite red suit and demanded that he keep her burgundy Cadillac shiny or she'll start singing about his Woody Allen ways to the media.

If you have no idea what I'm going on about, then maybe it's better that way. I don't want to ruin The Bucket List for you. Oh, okay. Let's go over this again even though it's as pleasant as pissing when you've got a boner.

The National Enquirer ran a story last year claiming that then 72-year-old Morgan has been secretly getting it on with his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines for 10 years. There were even rumors that Morgan and E'Dena were planning on getting married. This has always been filed under the "rumor" category since Morgan or E'Dena have never admitted it. It's just something we whisper and laugh about whenever they walk by. But now that he's no longer a married pepaw, I wouldn't be surprised to see him and E'Dena browsing the bridal section at Justice.

Dear Paz de la Huerta, this is how you REALLY perform for the cameras. Even though most of the photographers are focused on getting pictures of some extra from One Tree Hill instead of you, you still POSE for your life in front of the two cameras that are on you. You pose as though you are on the catwalk at your graduation from Barbizon! You pose as though you're Diana Ross in front of a million screaming fans! You pose as though you're Gay Al Reynolds in a pair of gold sequined hot pants!

When they start to get bored, knock those hos out with the "I'm so excited to be screwing in a light bulb" pose (see above). If that doesn't get them, give them the "I'm airing my pits out in front of an imaginary hand dryer ala Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan" pose (see thumbnail #5). And if they still aren't on the floor, go for the kill with the "I can't be held responsible for the casualties this pose will cause" pose (see thumbnail #8).

Leave it to Detective La Toya to give us a master class in posing at some Macy's event in Los Angeles last night. Aubrey O'Day and Macy Gray are still speechless.

Paz de la Huerta's one goal at the Boardwalk Empire premiere in Atlantic City, NJ last night was to make sure that every camera and every set of eyes got a peek at the stupid snake tattoo crawling up her ankle. It's not like it's a Mt. Golden Girls tattoo drawn by the hand of Michelangelo. It's just an ugly ass snake. Shit ain't even hissing. And Paz tried so hard to show off the snake on her ankle that she almost flashed her shaved baby mongoose.

I could think of better uses for Paz's hand instead of holding up the slit in her dress. Namely, using that hand to wipe that cacaliscious lipstick (in shade: diarrhea latte) off her face.

But you know, Paz did complete her goal in the end because here I am staring at that shitty snake on her ankle. You win this time, Paz.

Here's more pictures of Paz mugging and whoring at the cameras with her Boardwalk Empire co-stars: Michael Stuhlbarg, Michael K. Williams, Kelly Macdonald, Aleksa Palladino, Vincent Piazza and Michael Pitt.

The days of OctoMom getting a stack of cash for tabloid covers and interviews with foreign TV stations are long gone. Octo wrote a book, but publishers won't even use its pages to pick the dingles out of their ass cracks. Octo tried to get a reality show, but she's even too trashy for TLC and that's saying EVERYTHING. Octo tried to merchandise the Octo name, but that isn't going to work out either.

Because of all of this, Octo's checking account is as bruised and battered as her uterus. So what's an Octo to do? STRETCH MARK PORN! But before she goes there, Radar says that Octo is going to go on welfare first. A source close to her says, ""Nadya has nannies and huge expenses raising 14 children. She needs a lot of money just to keep up with the basics. And now the income has dried up and she didn't make enough in the past year and a half to live off of it. Nadya will never come out publicly and say she's going on welfare but everyone close to her and familiar with her situation knows that it's going to happen very, very soon. She needs the money. She has no choice at this point. And she's been on public assistance before. There's just no choice. She's running out of money and those kids need to eat."

And if that isn't bad enough, TMZ says that Octo and her 14-strong child army is in danger of getting kicked out of their home for not paying the mortgage.

I watch House Hunters every single night before I close my eyes and dream of Mah Boo feeding me blue cotton candy on a carousel, so I know for a real fact that Octo can buy a 10-bedroom MEGA MANSION in another state for the same price of a studio apartment in Southern California. So Octo needs to throw her litter into the back of a Greyhound bus and head towards (insert the name of a state you don't live in that has a low-cost of living). And if that crazy bitch doesn't want to do that, then there's only one other option: BABY YARD SALE! Maddox is already in line!