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It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don't try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc...). You can't break me!

Instead I'm going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she's 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I'd still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here's a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo's feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

And here you were thinking that the easiest way to get a topless Becks in front of you is to paste cholita brow stickers over your eyes and put a $10,000/a night price tag on your pussy. WRONG! Some asshole heckler at the L.A. Galaxy game showed us how it's really done. While Becks was strolling to the locker room to moisturize (or something like that), some dick bag poked at him by screaming at him to stop with the whores. Becks stopped, turned and got in the dude's face.

Becks' voice is as threatening as a baby bird's first chirp, but I still get the tingles seeing him with some fire in his hole. Look at him with his nipples puffed out and nostrils flaring like he's going to do some shit. It's true that if the heckler flinched at Becks, he would've ran off screaming out of fear that his purdy face would get a dent in it, but I'm trying not to think about that.

For once, Becks' mind is not wondering what kind of exfoliation treatment he's going to use on his skin that night (SPOILER ALERT: he used the ginger citrus sugar scrub).

via HuffPo

Don't mind George Clooney, he's just snorting up her dandruff - Lainey Gossip

Motorboat Me Elmo - The Superficial

Raggedy Ann's long-lost ads for control top Leggs - Hollywood Tuna

This is what it's come to: the "cleaning the pool" photo op (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kirstie Alley lost 50lbs of fat Thetans from her body thanks to a diet called Photoshop - Celebitchy

This teacher knows how to do it - The Chive

Snooki's family does everything together, including getting a massage - OMG Blog

The broken condom baby of Heidi and a Keebler elf - Popoholic

A giant cunt in a sea of gays - Towleroad

It took me a few blinks to realize this is not Detective La Toya - Just Jared

Kim Kardassian already can't feel her face, now she can't feel her nipples thanks to that tighter than tight dress - Egotastic!

Zahara's "You're not getting my good angle" side-eye - Popsugar

Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey stopped having fun - I'm Not Obsessed

But where's the Backinup Backinup Lady costume? - Buzzfeed

Roxy Baby should've tucked before the fight - Holy Moly!

Beyonce fucked my wallet and all I got was these House of Derriere tattoos - ICYDK

Rachel Bilson pulls the "Ooops, I dropped my purse" move - Hollywood Rag

Why is JLo posing with two plastic cats? - Cityrag

The owner of Segway dies after falling over a cliff...while riding a Segway - TDW

George Lopez and his wife of 17 years are no more. TMZ, the first stop for all celebrity divorce documents, says that George and Ann haven't been sharing the same bed for a while and they've secretly been working on a settlement. They have a 15-year-old daughter, so they hope to keep things clean.

What's there to discuss exactly? Ann just has to raise one of her perfectly painted brows (her originals brows were lost in her 5th chemical face peel) and demand the chonies off of George's nalgas AND MORE. When George starts to throw a "but" at her, all she has to say it, "But I gave yo a kidney, motherfucker!" If that still doesn't make George hand over the keys to his EVERYTHING, Ann can reload her gun and shoot, "And my kidney helped you fuck a leased whore! Allegedly."

All other arguments are invalid. Ann wins.

You know where the best place is to pick out a juicy moco and nibble on it like it came from a bag of Rold Golds? Why in the middle of a TV news room during a live broadcast, of course! Actually, let me correct myself. That's the second best place. The best place is in your car in the middle of a traffic jam with the windows rolled down. But my guess is that homegirl couldn't wait that long to get a piece.

Grab your heart of the ocean rosary (I know you have one) and put on the instrumental version of "My Heart Will Go On", because Oscar-nominated actress Gloria Stuart has sailed off to the first class cabin in the sky at the golden age of 100.

The Washington Post brings the sad news that Gloria passed away at her home in West L.A. yesterday. Gloria's daughter Sylvia Thompson said that her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer three years ago.

Gloria is best known for making us all scream "THAT'S RENT MONEY!!!" when she threw the diamond necklace into the ocean in Titanic, but she has starred in over 40 movies since the 1930s including my favorite title Gold Diggers of 1935.

Rest in peace, Gloria...... We all can forgive you now for turning that multi-million dollar necklace into a wee wee pad for fishes.

The next time one of Parasite Hilton's victims puts his tongue one of her crotch craters and screams "That's HOT!", she can slip a lawsuit in between his ass cheeks because she owns that phrase.

In 2007, Wonky and her team of lawyers sued Hallmark for using her trademark phrase and likeness on the stupid card above. Hallmark argued that the card is parody so it's protected by fair-use laws. The case went all the way Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals who ruled in favor of Wonks. They then sent the case back to a lower court and a trial was supposed to start in December. But that's not going to happen, because E! News reports that Hallmark has settled with Wonks for an undisclosed amount of cash.

More money for coke gum! Or for fluffy purse dogs who will eventually be banished to the basement closet to feed on wall mold and paint chips. :(

Wonks and "fair use" go together like vodka and my froat, but Hallmark is still in the wrong for using that nasty whore's face to make money without permission. It really hurts to admit that. I already have hate for Hallmark for mating with Satan to birth the minions of pure evil known as hoops&yoyo. But now I really hate HATE hate Hallmark for making me side with Wonky. No amount of talking cat birthday cards can cure that pain.

This is some Photoshop of Love shit and the overachiever who airbrushed this mess gets the final backstage pass. I'm not saying that Bret Michaels doesn't naturally have a body like a video game version of Jackie Warner, but that cover looks more like a ceiling fresco from John Travolta's personal sauna.

via 411mania

Nothing says "WE'RE ONLY DOING EACH OTHER" like Tweeting a picture of you and your alleged peen passing husband snuggling in bed on your fifth anniversary. Or maybe it's nothing says "DESPERATE" like Tweeting a picture of you and your alleged peen passing husband snuggling in bed on your fifth anniversary. I guess I was truant the day of that lesson. I'll cheat off your paper later.

As your ass already knows, Star Magazine has accused Ashton Kutcher of stepping out on Demi Moore by stepping into into crotches (you know he's into foot fucking) that don't belong to his wife. MooreKutchie has continued to slap the cheating rumors in the face by trying to look like a happy couple who only slurps on each other's genitals...and nobody else's! And on their fifth anniversary, Demi posted this picture on her Twatter with the note:

Thank you for all the anniversary wishes!! Enjoying a day lounging around watching "Breaking Bad" Great show!

I have to hand it to Demi. She's really keeping her composure in that picture even though her nostrils are filling with the musty scent of egg burritos and random cooch cream wafting off of that comforter. And she even kept that smile going when her toes touched a slimy condom at the foot of the bed. Good job, Demi!

I sit corrected! There is a person on this planet who doesn't spit up phlegm balls and roll their eyes into the next room whenever Katherine Hagel comes by. Case in point: this Hagel superfan who tried to suck the object of her obsession into her bowels in NYC the other night. This is actually a living thing who most likely cried tears of sadness on her custom made "High 4 Heigl" bedspread when Izzy left Grey's Anatomy instead of crying tears of sheerfuckinghappiness (with the rest of us).

Wait. Or maybe that lady is a former chain smoker who just quit the cigs and sniffed out the pure nicotine flowing from the tips of Hagel's hair to the tips of her toe nails. That's why the crazy is trying to eat Hagel's hair. Bitch is trying to get her favorite fix! Yeah, that's a more reasonable explanation for this picture. I sit NOT corrected!

Here's Hagel having dinner with Josh Duhamel before getting attacked by a raging nicotine monster.